He continued to gently rub her belly.
Chana looked at the ceiling, deep in thought.
"What are you thinking about?" Uri asked.
"I'm thinking about how miserable I was during those first few months in Bala Cynwyd, after you left for Israel. I felt like an imposter. I was paranoid that your mother secretly hated me, even though I know she's always accepted me.
“I remember how much I loved the neighborhood there. The houses were so close together, and there was so much intimacy. Families were close. The community was close. And I was jealous. Because the truth is, I never felt close with my family. My sister is five years older than me and I was her annoying tag-along. And my mom and my dad were so focused on my dad's health. I never really felt a closeness to either of them, though my dad has always been a lot more open with his emotions than my mom. But I guess that comes with the territory when you are dying."
Chana turned to face Uri, looking him in the eyes. She put her hand on top of his hand, so they were both touching her belly.
"One day I was having this terrible day. It was raining and I missed the bus to class. I felt people staring at me like I didn't belong there. And then my mom called me. My dad was having a bad day and she was panicky and weepy."
Chana stopped talking.
"And then what happened?" Uri prompted her along as he traced her fingers and nails with his forefinger. Her hands were small and delicate.
"Well," she began. "I thought about giving up and going home. I thought at least I would be with my parents, even though I knew we would drive each other crazy. I thought about moving in with Faith."
"Chana, you never told me this!" Uri interjected. "I am sorry you were so miserable."
"Shh," Chana quieted him and put her fingers over his lips.
"But then that night I had Torah class. I was going to skip and say that I had a headache, but then I remembered what we were studying. Shmuel I."
"The story of Hannah and Samuel," said Uri.
"Right. And after we studied it in class, I returned to my room and I read the story at least three or four more times. And I realized something."
"What?"
"Hannah pitied herself because she couldn't conceive. And she took a lot of crap from Penninah and some of the other women because she couldn't have a baby. And Hannah was jealous of them. But she was jealous of them for the wrong reasons."
"Go on," Uri said.
"She was jealous of the women who could have babies because they had what she couldn't. But she was missing the whole point and she finally realized that when she went to pray next to Eli."
Uri listened intently, trying to remember the story.
"Hannah said an intense prayer to HaShem because she realizes that having a child isn't for her own selfish need, but having a child is to glorify HaShem, and to raise that child in a way that honors the Lord. And if you remember, she said the prayer silently while moving her lips, and Eli thought that that she was drunk.
“But when he realized her sincerity, he promised her that her wish would be fulfilled. And she conceived and birthed Samuel, and when he was weaned, she brought him to Eli at the temple, where he was raised by a prophet, and where he became a prophet."
"I remember the story," said Uri. "But what does it have to do with you?"
"I asked myself why I was doing what I was doing. Was I doing it for you? For love? Because I realized that if I was doing it for you, or doing it so that I could be like the other families in the neighborhood and experience what I never had growing up, that it be for the wrong reasons. I realized that I needed to do it because it was what HaShem wanted me to do.
“It took me a long time, but I finally realized that I was converting for myself and not for anyone else. I realized that I needed to live my life in a way that glorifies HaShem, like Hannah did. And it was the first time that I gave myself up to HaShem. I basically said, okay, I'm all yours. And then everything changed."
"How so?" Uri wanted to know.
"Everything became so much easier. I stopped being paranoid about what the other women in the neighborhood thought of me. I stopped worrying about what your mother thought of me. Hebrew came easier to me; prayer came easier to me. I was even less anxious in front of the Beit Din. It was as if they noticed a difference in me, too. Once I trusted HaShem, an entire new world opened up."
Chana smiled at Uri and traced his lips with her finger.
"You have to promise me something," she said.
"Anything," Uri replied in a whisper.
"Promise me that we will always raise our daughter observant. No matter what happens. If something happens to either of us, we will always raise her in the truth."
"Of course, I promise," Uri said. "Nothing is going to happen to us, Chana."
She gave him her all-knowing half smile and a feeling of dread came over him again—as if she had some sort of secret—some view into the future.
"I love you, Uri Geller," she said, kissing him on the lips and turning the other direction, prepared to sleep.
Unnerved, Uri laid still in the silence, listening to Chana’s soft breathing. A panic overtook him. He felt a desperate need to confide in his wife about his darkest secret. The thing that he swore he could never tell anyone, that he would take to his grave. He felt so intimate and invulnerable with Chana, it would be a betrayal not to tell her. He listened as her breathing pattern changed, on the verge of drifting off to sleep.
"Chana?" he whispered into her ear and gently rubbed her side.
He saw her eyes open, but she didn't turn to face him.
"Yes, my love?"
Uri felt a lump in his throat; tears suddenly rolled down his cheeks.
Sensing he was crying, Chana turned her head.
"What is it Uri?"
"Chana, I. . .”
“You what? What is it, Uri?” she gently asked him again.
“I killed someone."
Chana showed no sign of shock or surprise.
"Was he someone committing evil?" she asked him.
"Yes," Uri said quietly.
"Then HaShem will judge you as righteous," she said, gently wiping the tears from his face. "Oh, Uri. You are a good man. I am so sorry that you've been suffering with this."
She slowly and carefully kissed his damp cheeks, his ears, and his neck. She laid her head on his chest and listened to his heart.
Several minutes passed as they held each other in silence. Chana sensed Uri was holding back more tears.
"You can cry, Uri. HaShem knows your pain."
He let out a deep sob. Chana clung to him as he wept. When he was done, she sat up and dried his face with her hands.
He felt such love for her at that moment; he kissed her gently. Their lovemaking seemed to transcend physical boundaries. They transmitted their deepest secrets; what was hers became his, and what was his became hers.
They whispered "I love you" over and over, both shedding tears.
Out of breath, their hearts racing, they didn't dare move. Uri softly hummed "Eshet Chayil" in Chana’s ear. Drained and exhausted, Chana fell asleep as he held her.
36
Three months later in February 2001, Uri and Chana called Avi and Devorah to share the news of Chana's pregnancy. They were ecstatic, especially Devorah, who did not hesitate to offer her advice.
"Be sure to give tzedakah," she told Chana, reminding her that it was vital that Chana do good deeds throughout her pregnancy.
When they ended the call, they said in unison “b’sha-ah tova!” Meaning, may your baby be born at the right time.
Chana also called Avigail and Mrs. Blum, and sent an email to Faith, Penina, and a few other close friends back home in the States.
Now fully in her second trimester, Chana relished in her pregnancy. She loved to watch her growing stomach, her face was radiant, and the morning sickness completely gone.
A few weeks prior, she was relaxing on the sofa with Uri on a Saturday Shabbat afterno
on when she felt the slightest twinge in her belly. It was different from the other sensations she felt, this was movement!
She held her breath and prayed that she would feel it again. She did! This time she put her hand on the area where she felt the movement, waited again but felt nothing. Trying again, he gently pressed on her belly and she felt the movement stronger than ever, so much that she felt it on the outside.
She quickly summoned Uri and placed his hand on the same spot of her stomach.
After waiting a few moments, he said, "I don't feel anything."
"Wait," Chana said as she took his hand and pressed it gently into her belly. Then it happened again. The baby pushed back.
"I felt that!" he said excitedly.
"Is she kicking?"
"Or punching," Chana smiled. "Especially if she takes after her father."
"That's our girl," Uri said, keeping his hand on Chana's belly.
"Should we practice making another one? Just in case we forget?" he grinned at her mischievously.
"I think we've practiced enough to make the Olympic team of baby making. But a nap sounds perfect."
Uri pulled Chana into him and spooned her, keeping his hand on her belly hoping to feel more movements of the tiny life they created together.
BY MID-FEBRUARY, FOUR more suicide bombers attacked within Israel. While the deaths were minimal, the psychological damage it had done to the country was palpable.
Much to Uri's protest, Chana continued to visit the hospital in East Jerusalem and paid visits to Amira at least twice a week. Her condition had deteriorated to the point where she was no longer eligible for another kidney transplant. Her body was too frail to survive the surgery. What was important now was keeping her comfortable.
Chana’s heart ached to see Amira suffering. Staff increased her oxygen intake and did additional procedures to take the fluid off her kidneys to make her more comfortable. Her color was more yellow every time that Chana saw her, but her sweet, toothless smile remained.
Amira loved small trinkets and bright things. Something that Chana picked up at the market like a tiny elephant figurine made Amira light up. Chana made it a point to visit the shuk on Sunday so that she could collect more trinkets for Amira. Amira especially loved poodles and rainbows, and one day Chana was lucky enough to find a small poodle charm bracelet and a tiny crystal poodle figurine with a silver pink bow. She also found a sparkly rainbow keychain. Soon Amira had a collection of trinkets lined up beside her hospital bed.
As the last week in February approached, Chana learned that Amira's seventh birthday was only days around the corner. When Chana asked Amira what she wanted, Amira's small brown eyes regained a bit of twinkle in them. "A tiara. I want a real princess tiara."
"I think that can be arranged," Chana replied, glancing over at Noor who looked physically and mentally drained. Chana couldn't imagine what it would be like watching your own child die.
Tired, her organs failing her, Amira slept more and more. The nurse informed Noor that soon they would be dispensing morphine to the small child.
Before she left for the day, Chana told Amira that she was such a special girl because every time people saw her, they became happy. "You are like a rainbow, Amira," she said. "You show us all of the beautiful colors in the world."
"But rainbows disappear," Amira said, seeming to understand what was soon to come.
"Ah," said Chana. "We might not always be able to see them, but those colors are always there. It's just the sun shining through the rain that allows us to see them. And you will be going to a beautiful place, Amira," Chana said, choking back tears. "And even though we might not be able to see you, we'll know that you're still with us, especially when we see a rainbow. "
"Chana," Amira asked in a frail voice. Chana noticed that even talking in short intervals made it difficult for Amira to breathe.
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"When I go will you take my shiny things? You can give them to your baby one day."
Trying her best not to cry in front of the dying child, Chana kept her composure.
"Of course, Amira. I would be honored to have them."
Remembering that she had her camera in her purse, Chana asked Noor if she would mind taking a picture of Amira and Chana together. Noor obliged, and Chana situated herself beside Amira on her small bed. Amira tried her best to give a good smile, but she lacked the energy to even show her endearing missing teeth.
Chana hugged and kissed her goodbye and promised she would see her on her birthday.
TWO DAYS LATER, ON Amira's seventh birthday, Chana and Uri had an appointment for an ultrasound. Chana stopped by a toy store the day before and found a beautiful tiara for Amira. she planned to bring it to her after her ultrasound appointment.
As Chana and Uri sat in the waiting room, she looked around at the many other pregnant women in awe at the size of their giant bellies. She couldn't imagine growing as large as some of the women and hoped to avoid the many swollen ankles she saw around the room.
This appointment was especially important because not only would it reveal the baby's gender, but a geneticist would be present to ensure that the baby was developing correctly.
Uri tested negative for the genetic conditions that afflicted Chana's father, but because Chana was a genetic carrier, her obstetrician thought it would be wise to ensure that the baby was developing normally.
As they continued to wait, Uri tapped his left foot, something he always did when he was anxious.
"Can you not do that?" Chana asked him, irritated. "I am worried enough, knowing that you are anxious doesn't help."
"I'm not worried at all," Uri assured her.
"What if she doesn't have a liver? What if she doesn't have a brain?" Chana thought it important to verbalize the worst-case scenarios.
"What is she is a he?" Uri asked, trying to distract her from her thoughts.
"Nope, it's a girl. I told you I had a dream about her."
"I have dreams about a lot of things," Uri replied. "And they don't always come true. . . unfortunately." He looked at her playfully.
"What kind of dreams?" she asked him, playing right into his hand.
Before he could answer, the nurse opened the door and called Chana's name.
She led them to the ultrasound room, the same room that they used for her twelve-week appointment when they first heard their baby's heartbeat. After weighing Chana and measuring her belly, they instructed her to lay on the reclining table.
A few moments later, the geneticist and ultrasound technician entered the room.
Almost immediately after the ultrasound wand was placed on Chana's belly, they heard the baby's heartbeat.
"That was quick," the technician remarked. "Usually I have to move it around a little more before we get such a strong beat."
"See," Uri said "Things are looking good already."
For the next thirty minutes the geneticist and the ultrasound tech pointed out the various parts of the baby, took measurements of the heart, the liver, the kidneys, and lungs. They took snapshots of the baby's facial profile and of her tiny hands and feet.
"Baby's development looks great. I see no abnormalities in any of the organs that leave me any reason for concern," the geneticist said confidently.
He congratulated Chana and Uri before exiting the room.
"Well there is only one thing left to do," said a technician. "Would you like to know the baby's sex?"
"Oh, I already know, but you are welcome to confirm it for my husband." Chana confidently and proudly smiled at Uri.
"Okay," the technician answered, seeming a little confused. "Mazel tov, you are having a baby girl."
Uri looked at Chana incredulously.
"You are something else, Chana Geller," he said as she wiped the warm gel off her belly.
"Did you doubt me?"
"Not for a second," he replied, helping her off the table.
They left the clinic thrilled and optimistic.
Chana looked at the printouts that the ultrasound tech gave them. "Look how pretty she is! Our sweet little girl."
Uri put his arm around her and kissed her cheek. "I am the happiest man in the world."
Chana asked him to drop her off at the hospital so that she could visit Amira.
"I won't be able to pick you up," he said with concern. "And you know how I feel about you taking the bus."
Chana rolled her eyes. "How about I take a cab home? I will call you as soon as I get there."
Uri agreed and dropped his wife off at the front entrance of the hospital, watching her carefully to ensure that she entered safely. She waved to him as she opened the door, giving him the okay that he could leave.
As Chana walked the hallway, her excitement grew. After she gave Amira her tiara, she could also show her pictures of her ultrasound. But as she walked closer to Amira's ward, she felt uneasy.
She entered the large room where patients were separated by curtains and partitions, but when she arrived in Amira's area, the bed lay empty. Fresh bedding had been applied as if they were expecting another patient. All of Amira's trinkets and belongings were gone.
One of the charge nurses walked by and stopped as soon as she saw Chana.
"I am so sorry," the nurse said. "She had a lot of fight in her."
Chana stared blankly ahead at the empty bed.
"What time did it happen?"
"Very early this morning, before I came on my shift. About 4:00am," the nurse replied.
"She got to her birthday," Chana said. "She made it to seven."
The nurse stood quietly beside Chana for a moment. "It is a hard profession you're choosing," she finally said. "But you served that little girl well. You made her feel special."
"She was special," Chana replied as tears rolled down her cheeks.
The nurse nodded. Before she left Chana's side, she asked her to stop by the nurse's station, as there was a bag waiting for her.
Chana approached the desk at the station and told the nurse her name. The nurse nodded and looked at her somberly. She handed her a small paper bag filled with all the shiny little things that Amira loved. Chana asked the nurse if she could have Noor's address and the nurse reluctantly obliged.
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