by Lilly Wilder
“There,” he tells me.
“You made it work?” I ask.
“Let’s see if I did,” he replies, proudly.
The look on his face tells me how much he enjoys doing these kinds of things. He gets the wire from the back and attaches it to a power source. His fingers find the button dial easily, turning it slowly. He looks like he knows exactly what he’s doing. At first, there is no sound. A few seconds pass, and I don’t have the heart to tell him the obvious. But, he keeps on twisting and turning, and I just wait for him to give up on his own.
Some more time passes, but he’s still immersed into it. I place my hand on his shoulder, but he pays no attention to it. He is too focused on the little radio. His lips purse in invisible effort, his eyebrows furrow.
Suddenly, we hear a crackle, soft, but it’s discernible.
“Ha!” he shouts victoriously once again. “What did I tell you?”
I smile at his fervor, and let him go on. The more he is twisting the dial, the more noise arises out of that little thing, as if it is doing its best to do what we expect of it. The first, inaudible words reach us, and the triumphant look on his face is even more prominent. Slowly, the words are substituted by melody. He manages to clear up the reception, and the room around us is filled with the sound of music.
“I can’t believe you did that!” I shout, enjoying the song, swaying my hips to the side.
“So, should I take it that you didn’t have faith in me?” he asks, teasingly. “For shame, Maddie. For. Shame.”
We both burst out into loud laughter at the same time.
“Come on,” he suddenly offers me his hand.
For a moment, I’m not sure what he wants me to do, but it becomes crystal clear. He wants us to dance. It’s no waltz or anything similar, where an old fashioned couple needs to follow a certain set of rules, luckily. It’s just a song. No big deal. Not like accepting this dance means I’m promising myself to him. So, I accept.
The moment I put my hand into his, he kicks his left leg forward, and swirls me with sharp precision. I can’t suppress a giggle. So, I don’t. My calf muscles flex, as the entirety of my being advances towards him, following the rhythm around us. His hands are holding mine. There is a certain control about it, his poised strike and movement are demanding, and yet giving at the same time.
I’ve never been a good follower of the rhythm, but with him, it’s easy. I’m just following the sequences of his body, realizing how much I’ve needed this, how much I needed his hands in mine, his presence so close to me. The feelings are almost crippling. But, instead of taking power away from me, it bestows more power onto me, and I can’t stop laughing, as he swirls me around the room, and all I see are his sparkling eyes.
We advance, move forward, and then move back. We pirouette, his arms around my waist, then both our arms high up above our heads. There are no rules. Just pure enjoyment. Our heads are swaying, I feel like I’m unburdened by my clothes, I feel as light as air.
Suddenly, the music stops, and we end up facing each other, so close that I can feel the warmth of his breath on the tips of my lips. His touch is electrifying. I feel like I’m standing a few inches up from the ground, almost floating, and it’s all because of him.
My lips are dry. I feel like I haven’t had a drink of water in days. I swallow heavily. His eyes are staring deeply into mine, relentless, not letting go. I’m not even sure I want him to let go. My mind has no idea what is right, and what is wrong. All I know is that his presence feels so good. It can only be right, no?
He leans a little closer to me, our lips almost touching. Our bodies follow suit. I’m trembling.
Just as he’s about to press his lips against mine, we hear the front door open.
“Anderson, are you - “
Fynn sees us standing like that, too close for comfort. I know what’s going through his mind. I know, because the same thoughts have been swarming my mind for days now, ever since this whole nightmare started. Only, I can’t even say that it’s a nightmare, because I met these two men.
“What’s going on here?” he asks, sternly, as if we are two students caught making out by the bleachers, and he’s the teacher responsible for keeping order among the students.
“Nothing,” Anderson replies first, taking a step back, and letting go of me.
“Doesn’t look like nothing,” Fynn snorts.
I feel his cold stare all the way down to my heels. I never thought someone’s icy stare would get to me this much. I want to start explaining everything that led to this awkward moment. I want to tell him that we didn’t expect any of this to happen. We were just dancing, nothing else. But, I can’t move. I can’t say a word. All I can do is feel guilty underneath his stare.
“We were just dancing, that’s all,” Anderson keeps on explaining, even though we all know full well what was about to happen.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know.
I almost feel like chuckling to myself, because this seems exactly like the kind of thing Anderson would say to lighten up the mood. But, I’m not laughing. I’m not even smiling. I feel like I’m torn between these two men, a constant fight between hot and cold, fire and ice, and I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
“A little too close then.”
“Well, you know, we got into the rhythm,” Anderson, being his usual joker self, has to try.
But, Fynn isn’t letting it go. His stare is still chilling me to my very bones, transferring a message. Why? Why, when I warned you once already?
I feel like I’ve somehow disappointed him, even though I didn’t do anything. Nothing happened. But, I can’t say that nothing was going to happen. That would be a lie. I still remember the heat of Anderson’s presence. I remember his gaze. He could light me up with just the touch of his hands. I wonder what would happen to me if we actually kissed. Would I go all weak in the knees? Would I melt like honey in his hands? Those all sound about right.
Not wanting to reveal any of this, I remain quiet, letting Anderson handle this delicate situation, even though he is also not doing it all that well. Feeling guilty, I just watch him squirm, not being able to offer much help.
“A word, outside?” Fynn growls at Anderson, and I feel a strange relief hoping I’m off the hook.
However, this isn’t all Anderson’s fault. I could have refused his hand. I could have refused the dance. I didn’t. And, there isn’t a parallel universe in existence where I did.
Chapter 17
Fynn
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?” I snarl at Anderson, the moment we’re outside.
The nature around us is in stark contrast to my mood right now, and I couldn’t care less about the freakin’ birds singing or the sun shining above us. All I want is to knock some sense into Anderson, since he obviously hasn’t got much left in him, to do what he was trying to do just now.
“Unwinding,” Anderson replies, scoffing at me. “You should try it sometimes. It won’t kill you.”
“Are you serious!?” I try to keep my voice down, but it’s damn near impossible. “You call that unwinding? After all the talking we had on the subject?”
“What talking?” he shrugs, staying irritatingly calm. I always hate him for that. “You talked. You always talk. I’m usually silent, and you don’t even check to see whether I agree or not.”
“I’m trying to keep us safe. What’s so wrong with that?”
I turn around and kick a wandering stone that happens to cross my path. It flies off somewhere into the bushes. No sound follows it. There are no woodland critters around here, and the thought calms me down a little. At least that. It’s just us.
“The problem is that we can’t be safe, if we’re going after what we need,” he explains, and I know exactly what he’s referring to. “Don’t tell me it didn’t occur to you,” I suddenly hear him say, and as if following the same instinct, we glance at the door.
It’s still closed.
She won’t be coming outside. She doesn’t want to be a part of this conversation. And, she’d better stay inside. I can’t shout at her like I can shout at Anderson, whom I’ve known for years.
I snort loudly. He doesn’t wait for me to say anything to that.
“Because I have,” he adds quickly.
“You think that’s not obvious?” I shake my head at him disapprovingly.
What the fuck is he thinking – fucking with someone we’re supposed to protect and keep safe? I’m so pissed I can’t think straight. I see red everywhere.
“No, what’s strange is that it isn’t obvious to you,” he shakes his head at me. “Have you seen her? Have you spoken to her?”
I don’t like the direction where this is going. I know what he’s going to say now. He’s going to say she’s perfect for us. She’s perfect for what we need. In a way, he’s right. He’s totally fucking right, but there is no way we can act on that. How the fuck does he not see that?
“What difference does that make?” I shout, lost in my own angry thoughts.
“There you go again,” Anderson clenches his jaw at me. “Your brain is wracking itself, never stopping, always on guard, but you don’t even see what it is you’re missing.”
“I see what I’m missing,” I sneer.
“Do you?” Anderson stares me down. We remain like that for a few moments, neither of us willing to look away first. So, neither of us does. “Do you really?”
“Your problem is that you think anyone is a good fit,” I speak, and I feel the heat in my tingling skin.
I know for a fact that this isn’t true. Finding a mate is damn right hard. We haven’t been able to find anyone in ages, and I think that we’ve both almost given up hope. Only neither of us has expressed that hopelessness yet.
“I told her about us,” his revelation hits me like a ton of bricks.
“You what!?”
“I did,” he shrugs, as if it was totally out of his hands, and all he could do was just sit there and watch. “You should have seen her. She accepted it. She accepted us. She never questioned it.”
“That means nothing,” I snort, shaking my head at him, at myself, at the possibility that has just opened itself for us.
“That means a lot, Fynn, and you know it.” Anderson’s head jerks backward. “If we don’t find someone, our clan will die out.”
“You don’t fucking need to remind me of that. Because, that’s exactly why we need to be careful.”
I feel that ancient calling of our ancestors deep in my bones. I know Anderson feels it, too. Like the calling of some long forgotten animal, or one that is in danger of becoming extinct. I guess, that’s exactly what we’ll become, if we don’t do something about it. And, soon.
“I know we can’t throw caution to the wind,” he’s talking more calmly now. I know he doesn’t want to argue, and neither do I. “But, we can’t wait any longer either. Fate just drops this girl into our lap, and she’s perfect. Fynn, she’s fucking perfect. Have you taken a good look at her? Jeez!”
I don’t even need to dignify that with a reply. Of course I took a fucking look at her. That’s all I’ve been doing since this whole thing started.
“I know it’s been hard since…”
“Don’t talk about her,” I growl. “This has nothing to do with her.”
“It does, and it doesn’t,” Anderson approaches me and places his hand on my shoulder. “I know. You don’t have to tell me anything. I’ve known you my whole life, and I can see through that mask you put on. You believe it was your fault.”
“It was my fault.”
We haven’t really talked much about this, even though he started a few times. But, this is something that is mine to deal with. Mine, and no one else’s.
“No, it was a tragic set of circumstances,” Anderson continues, even though I’m not buying a word of what he’s selling. “We lost her, but it’s not your fault.”
“How many goddamn times are you gonna repeat that?” I scoff at him.
“As many times as it’s necessary for you to believe it,” he grows back at me. “You usually don’t listen to me, but do so now. Maddie is… she’s the fucking answer to our prayers. You just need to make sure you don’t scare her away.”
I sigh, turning around, wetting my lips with my tongue. I could really use a drink right now. And, maybe a wall to punch really hard. That’d help calm me down. But, instead I just cross my arms across my upper abdomen.
“We’ll sort this shit out,” he assures me. “We always do, don’t we?”
“You’re way too optimistic, you know that.”
“And, that saved our asses more than once, didn’t it?” he grins, and I have to admit he’s right. We make a good team, partly because of our stark contrast personalities.
Anderson can still see a diamond in a damn pigsty, while I see shit even among the cleanest diamonds. Ying and fucking yang.
“Shit, Anderson,” I rake my fingers through my hair, “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
“From the beginning is always good.”
We both chuckle at this, even though I’m still not buying it. It’s too messy. There’s too much stuff that is preventing this from happening.
“We need to finish this first,” I tell him. “We can’t fuck up.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
“We can’t let her down,” I shake my head. “We need to do what we promised we would, and then, we can ask her…”
“There you go with the asking again,” Anderson is rolling in the aisles again. “That’s not how this works. You don’t just ask a girl, oh hey, you’re pretty good-looking and kinda sweet, how’s about you be the mother to our wolf shifter children?”
I’m listening to him laugh, and of course, when he puts it like that, it always sounds so ridiculous. I guess I’m just too old-fashioned sometimes. For fuck’s sake, I can’t even remember the last time I kissed a girl, let alone something else.
“You need to charm her, make her fall for you,” he explains.
“Sure, easy for you to do,” I snort.
Standing by his side, he makes me look like Victor Frankenstein’s hunchback assistant. Anderson’s got it all - looks and charm. Me - neither. If you like me, you like me for some really messed up reason probably you yourself aren’t even fully aware of. The thought makes me smile, however.
“So, you’ve calmed down a little?” he asks me.
“Mhm,” I nod. “It’s all good. But, we’re still not doing anything. And by we, I mean you.”
“Cross my heart,” he uses his index finger to actually make a cross over his heart. “You talked to the Chief?”
“Yeah,” I nod again. “Explained what happened. Didn’t tell him where we were though.”
“Did he ask?”
“Several times,” I nod. “But, I think we got a mole. No way they could have found us back there, unless someone at the station ratted us out.”
“That’s possible.”
“So, now we do it our way. The Chief can kiss my ass if he doesn’t like it, I don’t care. He can suspend me later on, if he wants to. But, I’m bringing this girl home safe and sound.”
“That’s the Fynn I know and love,” Anderson smiles, patting me on the shoulder.
“So, he eventually agreed to my plan, and just said to keep a low profile wherever we are.”
“The phone?”
“Used a burner,” I explain. “And, I got rid of it. I should be heading into town tomorrow, for some supplies, and to get another one.”
“Want me to go?” he offers.
“No,” I shake my head. “Stay with Maddie. She needs you. You can console her much better than I ever could.”
“That’s only because you never really tried.”
His words make me think. Feelings are not my strong suit. They never have been. I rely on my brains, never on a
gut feeling or whatever you wanna call it. And, girls are all feelings. Maddie obviously more so than others. No wonder she prefers Anderson’s presence to mine.
Not that it matters that much. I don’t question who I am, or how I act. I just am. You can’t change the nature of who you are. You can’t even soften it that much. If someone accepts you as you are, great. If not – well, then it was never meant to be.
I’m much too practical to dwell on such notions. I’ll just go do what needs to be done, and he can stay behind and be a shoulder to cry on. That’s what you call proper division of labor.
“But, you better keep your hands where I can see them. And, don’t let your guard down, even for a second,” I remind him.
We both remember Sven. It doesn’t take us much more than a few moments to remind ourselves of the carnage that animal leaves behind him. You never know what to expect of him. He sounds all nice and polite, then you turn your back to him and he’ll stab you before you can blink.
“Alright then,” Anderson breaks the silence first. “I’ll go back inside. Unless you want me to take over?”
“No,” I shake my head. “Go see how she’s doing. She’s probably confused by what just happened and how I reacted. Try to explain the situation again, just don’t mention anything about what we talked about. That’s a conversation for a whole other time.”
“Sure.”
His reply is brief, and he quickly disappears from my sight. I take a deep breath, wondering why I reacted like that in the first place. Slowly, a long forgotten green-face with deep, elongated claws shows itself. I didn’t even know it still existed inside of me. And yet, here is it. Brought to the surface.
“You like her…” the voice speaks into my ear.
The voice is my own, and yet, it’s not. It is the voice of my wise self, the voice that has been silent for such a long time, simply because there was nothing it could say. Now, I hear it, and it feels like a new dawn.