I want to do so many things with her, but baring my soul isn’t one of them. The minute I saw her at that event, I wanted to give in to the intense attraction we’d had as strangers in Maui. I wanted to pull her out of there and explore her body in ways I hadn’t yet. I wanted to disappear into that connection we have and leave behind all the bullshit I’m dealing with in my real world.
That instinct is probably why I’ve been drooling over her nonstop. Well, that, and because she’s undeniably beautiful and sexy. And I can practically still taste her. I want more of her. So much more.
“Well?”
I snap out of my daze and see the impatience on her face. Opening my mouth to speak, but still not sure what to say, I’m given a reprieve when the waiter brings my entrée. The plate is basically a deconstructed taco with all the ingredients beautifully spread out, including thinly sliced beef with tomatillo broth, beans, grilled red onions, crispy bacon, avocado, radishes and cilantro with tortillas and salsa on the side.
It makes the half order of shrimp tostadas Ava ate seem paltry in comparison and I push my plate to the middle of the table.
“Share it with me,” I say.
“Speak,” she insists.
“Eat, and I will.”
She eyes me warily before taking a tortilla and piling it full. Lust returns as I watch her take a bite and see a trickle of juice escape the corner of her mouth. I want to lean over the table and kiss and suck it off her. Just then, her eyes meet mine and she must recognize what’s going on in my head because for the briefest second, I see her own desire. That thing we found in Maui has definitely survived. It wasn’t a fluke. It wasn’t fleeting. If I get this along with the other real world stuff, then I’m all in.
And then she takes her napkin and slowly wipes her mouth, forcing me to snap out of it once more.
“Uh,” I start, knowing she’s still waiting for me to speak. “Okay, so the thing I told you about him not wanting to be there for me is true. He and my mom had a vacation fling. When she realized she was pregnant, she tracked him down, and he immediately said he’d give her some money but he had no desire to be a father. So, it’s true that I didn’t have one.”
There’s sympathy in her eyes. But that’s not what I want from her, especially because I wasn’t some kind of victim in all of this.
“But when I was twelve, that all changed. Senior, as some of us call him, had a change of heart and sent for me,” I tell her. “He insisted I visit him over here, and I went kicking and screaming. I was so full of anger over it all that I was a real jerk to him.”
“Sounds totally understandable to me,” she says softly.
“I don’t actually regret that. I regret what happened next.” In between eating, I proceed to tell her everything that happened after that first visit, including the way my dad blackmailed me into moving in with him and the way I eventually flipped and wanted to be just like him, if that meant that I’d finally earn his love.
“So, it’s pretty pathetic,” I say. “I became a complete asshole, just like him. I was ruthlessly ambitious just like him. I was materialistic just like him. And you know what the best part is?”
She shakes her head.
“It never mattered. None of it. Not me speeding through school, not my natural ability for the law, not any of the billable hours I brought in. In the end, he still wanted to push me aside. I overheard him speaking to someone on the phone about how he’d sideline me by using my ‘ever expanding ego’ against me. That’s when I realized nothing I could do would really matter to him, that everything I’d done was all in vain. The only thing I had really accomplished was to become a shell of myself.” I pause, thinking of that pivotal moment. Shaking my head, I laugh. “It was a cruel fucking epiphany, that’s for sure. But it made me completely change my life. That’s the day I walked out and went home to Maui.”
“You walked away from practicing completely?”
I nod. “Thing is, I may be a good lawyer, but it isn’t my passion. And now, it’s tied to all the ways that I compromised myself. I may have been young when I left Maui, but I had absorbed the lifestyle there. It may seem lazy to outsiders, but it’s about balance. It’s about knowing that work has its place, but so does the rest of your life and it shouldn’t be ignored all for the sake of materialism. I lost sight of that when I came here. Instead, I became ambitious and intensely focused on winning—cases, appeals, shares, a better car, more fucking materialistic things. Yeah, I got all that stuff, but I lost what is really important to me. I lost the aloha spirit.”
“Which is what, exactly?”
“It’s the alignment of the mind and the heart, the coordination of which brings each person to reflect on the basic life forces of kindness, unity, pleasantness, humility, and patience. In turn, each person is expected to think and express good feelings to others. That brings about a kind of mutual regard and caring without any obligation in return. And when you are surrounded with everyone living in this way, it’s, well, it’s the best kind of peace and freedom you could ask for. That’s the way of life in Hawai‘i.” I take a second to breathe because I’ve spit all this out so quickly.
“That’s beautiful,” she says softly.
“That’s what I’ve been working to regain since I went back. I just didn’t realize how much I needed it and how much it meant to me until I went without it for too long. So, even if I did want to practice again, I can’t see doing it at that level. It’s draining. It’s soul-sucking.”
Seeing the look on her face, I realize I’ve insulted her.
“I don’t mean that’s how it is for you,” I tell her. “I’m sure your motives and rewards are much higher than mine ever were. But I can’t separate it all anymore. Being a lawyer is the epitome of everything I don’t want. All I want is to have a life that is meaningful to me. I love living one wave at a time,” I say and she winces, obviously recognizing it as the way she had demeaned me when we first met. “I love seeing my mom every day. I love teaching music and being around those kids. I need to live the aloha spirit.”
She takes a moment to digest this before saying, “Okay, but you’re here now because …?”
“My leave of absence is up. I need to either resume my position at the firm or resign.”
“And you’re going to resign?”
“Yes.”
I see a flicker of disappointment in her eyes. Maybe the idea of me as a high-powered lawyer was more enticing to her than what I am now, just a surfer boy. That bothers me way more than it should given the fact that she and I were never meant to be. This reaction makes me realize I’ve been holding out hope for something more with her since before she ever left Maui. There’s no choice now but to shrug it off.
“Where did you go to school?” she asks, changing the topic.
I’m game to steer this into a getting-to-know-you session. “High school?”
“Sure, we’ll start there.”
“Brentwood Preparatory Academy.”
She nods. “That’s a fine private school. Where did you go for undergrad?”
“Yale. What about you?”
She laughs and shakes her head. “Cal State LA. What law school did you go to?”
“Yale again.”
“That’s quite a pedigree for a surfer boy.”
I laugh. “Where did you go to law school?”
“Southwestern.”
The universities she attended aren’t exactly on the same level as Ivy League Yale, but she shows no embarrassment in that. I bet she’s had a lot of experience at batting away condescending remarks about such things and rising to the occasion rather than letting anyone tell her she’s somehow inferior. Like she told me earlier, she has her JD just like I do. That is, we both have law degrees. It’s not necessarily a matter of where you earned it, but how well you absorbed the teachings. Seems to me she knows exactly what she’s doing with that degree. Especially because she’s currently in cross-examination mode.
“And you�
�ve only ever worked at your father’s firm?” she continues.
“Yes. What about you?”
“Yes, just the one firm. But I have the feeling you’ve parlayed your years there into something impressive.”
“Well, I do have shares,” I admit.
Her eyes go wide. I can see she understands the value in holding shares in a firm like McAvoy & Partners. And it’s a safe bet that she’s never had the opportunity for the same thing at her firm.
“So, you’re set, then,” she says.
“Not exactly.”
“What do you mean?”
“Per the bylaws of the firm, I’m required to sell them to Senior when I resign. Thing is, that will then give him a controlling interest in the firm.”
“And … you don’t want that?”
“Let’s just say, I’m not eager to give him that kind of power.”
“But the only way to avoid that is to stay and continue to practice, right?”
“That’s what I’m going to sort out. If there’s a way where I can resign and keep my shares out of his control, well, that’d be a fantastic fuck you on my way out the door.”
She bites her lip as she considers me. It’s a sexy move, but I’m about to find out that it was just a distraction from what she was really thinking.
“Counsel,” she says, “can we review your recent testimony where you claimed all you wanted was to live a life of aloha spirit? Where might petty retribution come into this?”
I smile in capitulation to her point. “Yeah, I know it seems petty. But I just need to see if I have any options. My father is a man who has lived his life getting everything he’s ever wanted. Keeping these shares out of his control is the only thing that will really make him … realize what he’s lost when I go.”
“I’m sure—”
“It’s fine,” I interrupt. I don’t want her to try to comfort me by saying she’s sure my father really does love me, that he just has a hard time showing it. I’ve tried that tact with myself many times, only to be disappointed by reality. There’s a point in life when a man has to let go of trying to win his father’s love and just accept that it’s a losing proposition.
Ava sits back and after a moment of watching me, nods slightly, apparently seeing that there’s no use in pursuing this. “So, where does this fake engagement thing come into all of this?” she asks.
“Well, I got sort of stuck with that,” I admit, “when your ex was there trying to suggest that I was full of shit. Then my dad played along—”
“Yeah, why did he do that?”
“My guess is that he didn’t know if it was true or not. In his mind, it easily could have been since we haven’t spoken in a year. So, rather than appear to be unaware that his beloved son was engaged, he just went with it.”
“Wow,” she says. “He really doesn’t know anything about you, does he? And he’d rather pretend he does just for appearances?”
I shrug. It’s nothing new to me. But Ava pegging my relationship with him so quickly is a reminder of just how perceptive she is.
“If your Bryce hadn’t been there trying to provoke the whole thing, this never would have had to happen,” I say, mostly to avoid telling her she’s dead on about my nonexistent connection with my father.
“He’s not my Bryce.”
“Yes, well, I’m just telling you how we got here.”
“Ford, we’re not going to let this go on,” she says. “You’re going to tell him that this isn’t real, right?”
“Uh, yeah,” I say, hesitating. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”
“Why wouldn’t you want that?”
“I just need to stay on his good side for a little while longer so I can research an idea I have on giving up my shares.”
“And us being ‘engaged’ keeps you on his good side?”
I shrug. “I think it would, especially as long as I don’t make him look like a fool for going along with this. He’s big on appearances. Since he’s already turned his dinner party into an engagement party, it would only piss him off to back out of it right now. If we go along with this—temporarily—he gets to play the gracious host to this event, to look like he’s so proud of me. Then he can pretend to be understanding of me wanting to officially leave the firm. He’ll twist it into this phony thing that it’s me striking out on my own.” I don’t add that this will also keep her on his good side. I still don’t want her worrying about that possibility.
She looks dubious. “You’re presuming a whole lot, aren’t you?”
“I’ve studied him more than I’ve studied any law book. I know him.”
“Okay, I get where you’re coming from,” she says. “I just can’t go along with it.”
My heart sinks. It’s all so ridiculous that I would have even thought to push through with this thing, that I have to admonish myself for being disappointed that she wouldn’t be game for it. Why should she put herself out for me, anyway? It seems like her affection for me has waned with this whole conversation. That fire we had has started to fade with the real world stuff coming to the forefront.
“I have my own career to think of, Ford,” she continues. “The older man who you met, Randall Miller? He’s my boss. But he’s not just my boss, he’s like family to me. He gave me a chance at a top-tier law firm when no one else would. He’s my mentor, my friend. And I won’t lie to him about all this. I also won’t keep this up at the expense of my professional reputation. From what Tyler told me, you coming back has the LA legal world talking. Now, I’m going to be part of that. I’m already at a double-disadvantage with being Latina. I won’t play along with your game and lose respect and credibility among my peers for it. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am to suddenly be dismissed because of my ‘frivolous’ love life.”
Jesus. She’s right. This “sudden engagement” could be interpreted as her being too easily prone to emotion. At least, I know that’s what a lot of her rivals would latch onto. I’m such an asshole. Just as selfish and callous as my father. I thought I’d shed that skin. Turns out it’s way too easy to put it back on.
“I don’t want that,” I tell her. “Really, I don’t want to pull you into something that will drag you down. I … I didn’t realize all the ramifications. I’m sorry.”
She watches me for a long moment before nodding.
“I’ll figure out some way to get out of this. You don’t need to do anything. It’s on me.”
After a moment of hesitation, she opens her mouth to reply but stops when someone approaches our table.
“So, it is true. My, have stranger things ever come to pass?” the man asks.
I recognize him as Manfred Kahn, partner along with Randall at Ava’s firm. He’s always rubbed me the wrong way and I can tell from the way that Ava recoils at his sudden presence and eager eyes that she feels the same way.
“Hi Manny,” she says stiffly. “Whatever do you mean?”
He waves his hand between me and Ava. “I heard the big news just as I was leaving the ABA event that you are engaged to Ford McAvoy’s Boy Wonder,” he says with a self-satisfied grin. “That’s one way to get a leg up, right?”
I’m about to leave my seat and flatten this guy when Ava speaks, “Really, Manny, how many times do you need to be talked to by HR before you realize you can’t say things like that to me?”
I laugh, enjoying the pinched look on his face.
“Anyway, I really couldn’t believe the news,” he says, his voice dripping with mock disbelief. “I mean, everyone knows you’re married to your job. You’re too busy climbing up that ladder in your high heels, pulling twelve-hour days, six days a week to have a love life.”
She smiles tightly. “I am dedicated to my job, that’s true. Even in heels.”
He ignores this, saying, “And I really couldn’t believe that Randall—your backer—was just as shocked by all this as everyone else. Who knew you were prone to such flights of fancy?”
Now I have a real sense of the uphill
battle for career respectability Ava had just described to me. One of the partners in her own firm has laid out all the reasons why this “engagement” is a bad idea. It will make her look shallow and not worthy of being taken seriously. At least by men like him. And he’s a pretty important one for her job.
Fuck. What have I done? Before I can sort out how to fix this, she puts up a defense I wasn’t expecting.
“You’re just angling for an invitation to our engagement party, aren’t you,” she says, cleverly changing the focus.
“Well, that’s the other thing, dear,” he says, “I had already been invited to Ford’s dinner party. It was never billed as an engagement party.”
“Can you fault us for wanting to keep the happy news to ourselves for a time?” she asks, batting her eyelashes in a way that I intuitively know is not who she really is.
This pretense she’s putting on gets ignored as Manny tells her, “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’ll be delighted to attend your engagement party. In fact, I’ll spread the word that Ava Ruiz is part of a new power couple. Good for you, really, since old Randall won’t be in his position forever. It’s smart that you have a backup plan, isn’t it?”
She levels a withering gaze at him. “Thanks so much for your congratulations, Manny. We really appreciate it.” The smile that comes to her face is so phony, it makes me laugh.
“Right. Sure,” he says. He nods at me before slinking away.
“What a creep,” I say, surely loud enough for him to hear before he’s gone too far.
Ava leans toward me across the table. “Okay, this engagement thing of ours is on. I’m in. We’ll pretend to be engaged at that party, tell everyone we’re going to have a long engagement and then go our separate ways. After a while, we’ll quietly let it be known it didn’t work out. But in the meantime, you and I can both use this to get what we want.”
I laugh at the wonderful absurdity of all of this. On impulse, I slide my hand into the hair at the nape of her neck and seal her words with a lingering kiss.
I’m relieved when she kisses me back with the same level of passion.
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