by Shona Widdry
Valentine’s Day. Gifts and messages from admirers who half heartedly want a slice of your attention. I should have been flattered but was more amused at the triviality of it all. Oh dear, I am so hard on people and always think the worse.
What is the point of saying to someone you like them, but never finishing the sentence off by giving your name?
Like weddings that contain shopping lists, now that is so irritating. You are effectively paying for your own meal without having the choice of what to order. Sorry – another bitchy remark but today is another bad one, too many thoughts in my head, too many memories to contend with.
And the error I mentioned? Well I guess you could call it artistic license.
The book clearly describes the use of a Cartier pencil – but in actual fact it was a Cartier pen (picture).
S.
Family Trivia
Posted December 2nd, 2012
The shallowness of some families and their interaction with each other with trivial talk always seems to take place on a Sunday when they gather round the table for lunch. I wonder how many people really like this family gathering, but like so many things it is a ritual.
For me, one occasion, on a seemingly innocuous Tuesday afternoon, I suddenly realised that the family I had didn’t really know me – never mind understand me. They all liked me, of that I am sure, but sometimes ‘like’ is a lukewarm word that engenders absolutely nothing.
Even today, and all the years that have passed since that family meal, I can still remember the expression on one of my grandmas faces when I allowed some of my inner thoughts to rise to the surface.
Shock, amusement or despair? Only one of those words accurately described the expression, but to find out which it was, well, the book will tell you.
Does the book convey all that happened? Well, as much as I can remember. Would other members of my family have written the same book? I guess not. They should have done, for they all had their stories to tell.
Oh, I have another grandmother, but more of that comes later.
S.
A Futile Waste of Time
Posted January 20th, 2013
A belated Happy New Year.
Just returned from a very invigorating walk over the hills with the dogs on this Sunday afternoon – absolute bliss!
Ever had a day that you don’t wish to participate in or have anything to do with? Does anyone else dislike weddings? All that forced happiness and inane smiling. And what are weddings? A five minute commitment and a five thousand pound cost – in other words utterly meaningless.
Well, one particular wedding I went to with my parents, many years ago, was just that. It was trashy, showy and vulgar. Why my parents had to drag me with them, only they knew.
The incident on the dance floor, if you read the book you will know what I am referring to, was just another in a long line of individuals who thought they could help themselves without asking first. Why are some people so presumptuous? Just because I looked the way I did, does NOT mean I can be treated with so little respect. That really irked me, and I guess it still does. I said once, people just see the attractive wrapper without knowing the contents, that’s how I felt.
And what about me? Would I marry? Well, once you read all of my story you will perhaps understand why it does not figure that high on my list of things I wish to do before I die.
S.
Envy - not a girl's best friend
Posted February 27th, 2013
Never in my wildest dreams, or would a more fitting description be nightmares, did I think I would envy someone. Perhaps I would envy someone for their peace of mind – for it must be wonderful to amble through life without any worries or concerns – but I wouldn’t know.
Perhaps I was fortunate, in an odd sort of way, because I never needed to feel envy when I read all the glossy women’s magazines, not one flicker of resentment passed through my mind when I looked at all the beautiful slim models and expensive clothes. What does that tell you of me? That I am an extremely messed up person!
But I did become jealous of something that, at the time, became out with my control. I guess inadvertently that was the cause of the horrendous problems that followed. Jealousy is such a soul destroying emotion that warps your outlook and totally alters your judgement. To my utter shame I allowed this emotion to encompass me, and even today, I regret that I permitted it to consume so much of my energy.
It engulfed me and when I didn’t get my own way, I crumbled and instinctively lashed out. I caused a lot of hurt.
God, I must have been a real cow to live with at times.
S.
Don't Be Your Own Critic
Posted March 30th, 2013
Are you wondering what I thought of the book when it was released? Well, it is difficult to see your life laid out before your eyes, or in my case, see it all in print. Do I regret it and how did it all come about?
Some years ago I was persuaded to write down a few details of what happened and over time this expanded into the story the book reveals. It was hard to talk into a tape machine and reveal my inner most thoughts. But that was the result of some master persuasion from the author. Am I glad I was persuaded to convey all that happened?
I am sitting here thinking for a minute.
Now I am nodding my head – slowly.
Persuasion is merely pushing someone in the direction they wish to go in and I always believed I could get anything I wanted either by persuasion or cajoling and it infuriated me to think that, this time, I was making no headway at all. What am I talking about? Well, it is all there in those pages …
Next time I will show you something that was the actual start ‘key’ to this whole avalanche of misery.
Until then, I will give you a little insider tip: If I had known how the outcome of my request would turn out would I have waited? Would I have been patient and trusting instead of impetuous and selfish?
In retrospect yes.
At the time, no.
Have a happy Easter.
S.
Life on Credit? No. You have to pay.
Posted April 30th, 2013
The above picture is the actual key supplied with that infamous car. I kept it as a reminder of how much it all cost. My grandmother used to say to me, “the shelves of life are full, take what you want and pay for it …”
But it didn’t really apply in my circumstances. I just wanted PAYBACK. That’s such a good and satisfying word! But what did I want? I was not sure. Today, I still don’t know.
Does the book make for unpleasant reading? I hope so because it was unpleasant, no, let me use a better description, it was horrifically brutal to actually live through.
The title of the book asks, “did I say it an hour too soon?” or to put it another way, what would have happened if I had waited an hour later before saying something? If you read the book, you will realise how significant that seemingly insignificant little hour is.
Yes, I often think about this. It was one of those strange moments that completely define the rest of your life. Like a missed penalty kick in a cup final, something that niggles away in your mind over and over again.
So, how do I answer that question?
Well, it was a debt that had to repaid.
I can live with it on those terms.
S.
A Page to Change Your Life
Posted May 27th, 2013
I have just stood by the window staring across at the mist silhouetted mountains. A thin drizzle of rain and the approaching night just adds to the sombreness of my mood.
The most important chapter in the book, and my life, comes on page104. Strange how certain dates stick with you – like birthdays or when you passed your driving test, - but Tuesday afternoon on the 24th May, 1994 is engraved in my mind. And it will be till the day I leave this earth. One would not believe that mere words would have the power to decimate a group of people, but what I said, on tha
t afternoon, had the same effect of taking a gun and shooting them. In one sentence I destroyed their lives – and mine.
I come back to the title on the book’s cover. I guess an answer should be forthcoming. If you’ve read this much of my ramblings – you deserve that. As I look back on that afternoon and the subsequent events that immediately followed – what is the answer?
Did I say it an hour too soon?
Let’s be clear about this, no author, reader, critic or publisher is qualified to answer that question.
Only I can do that.
To answer truthfully is that, tonight, I don’t know! Yes I am sitting on the fence but sometimes I wish I had never said it, other times I am glad.
As I look up and see the rain coming in from the mountains on Cumbria, an overwhelming sense of isolation sweeps over me – I feel I have a deep frown on my forehead.
Did the end really justify the means?
In this case – yes.
S.
In the Silence that Followed
Posted June 16th, 2013
What seems like never ending rain is lashing my windows here in Cumbria.
In the last blog, I briefly touched on the isolation I feel today, I can add to that the words, guilt, self-loathing (at times) and an overwhelming sense of the futility regarding it all.
Why futility?
Back then, everything seemed so purposeful, starting with the determination to get something materialistic, something to show off with. I guess it was all about pride.
Then what happened! Did I say it all without thought – or understanding the consequences? Let me replay that scene leading up to the accusation again.
Page 105 (paperback) –
Wearily Cindy arrived at the cul-de-sac. She wanted only to undress and soak in the