by Danes, Ellie
I inched closer to Dad, hanging on his every word. “And you took her and you left?”
“No. She didn’t want to leave. She told me she was fine, that it was just too hot in the house and she needed some fresh air. She told me to go back to the party, if she needed anything she would find me.” Dad rubbed his chin, and then the rest of his face, as if he were trying to erase the memories. “I came back twenty minutes later and found her passed out. I brought her around; she was drifting in and out of consciousness. I yelled for help, I picked her up and carried her inside. It was a house full of rich, prominent people, but there wasn’t a single doctor anywhere. I reacted. I got her to the car and we sped to the hospital.”
Tears filled one of his eyes as he replayed the story to me. “Dad, you couldn’t have known she was sick like that. I mean, she didn’t tell you.” I did my best to comfort him.
“You know how the rest played out, Jennifer.” Dad wiped away the tears and continued. “There’s more. Your mother and I had a great marriage, but I wasn’t always there for her like I should have been. I threw myself into my work. I wanted to be the best at what I did. I put in long hours. I thought that if I had enough money, your mother and I could retire together and enjoy life.”
I reached for his hand and held it. His love for my mother was a shining light in the room. “It’s ok, Dad, you couldn’t have known.” I didn’t know what else to say to him. I wanted him to go on, but seeing him like this was painful.
“When I wasn’t at work, your mother and I would spend our time with the Harritans. At first it was something we did for fun, my escape from work. Dean understood. Louise understood. Our families were the same. He and I both worked hard.” Dad swallowed hard and continued. “…But then, there were a few times when I couldn’t get away. I had to prepare for a trial or something. I encouraged your mother to go without me. Eventually she found her own escape, with Dean Harritan. I drove her to him.”
The room began to spin and I felt my face flush. The enormity of the information Dad had just shared sent shockwaves through my body. I felt my own eyes fill with tears as I fumbled for the right words. “Mom had an affair? No, that can’t be true.” I shook my head in denial.
“I’m sorry, Jennifer. It was my fault. I had talked to her about it. I wanted to work through it with her. I knew my friendship with Dean was over, but I was committed to making things right with your mother. I told her she needed to break things off with him or else I would talk to him about it. I was going to confront him that night.”
“Did Mom talk to him? Did she tell Mr. Harritan you knew?”
“She talked to him. She broke it off, that night. When I couldn’t find her, she was talking to him.” Dad held his head in his hands and sobbed. “If I had just taken care of it myself, she might still be here.”
“How do you know, when did she tell you?”
“She didn’t. I confronted Dean. He and Louise showed up at her funeral. I told him I knew. We argued and I made him leave. He told me that the night of the benefit, he and your mother talked. He told her he understood. He apologized to me. I think he was sincere, I think he truly cared about her. I was already hurting, I didn’t want to make it worse.”
I swallowed hard and wiped my face. I squeezed Dad’s hand. “Are you sure that he wouldn’t have hurt Mom? That he couldn’t have done this?”
“No, I don’t think so, he wasn’t that kind of person.” Dad let out a few more sobs and became quiet. He looked me directly in the eyes with a solemn stare as he gained his composure. “Jennifer, I’m sorry. I wish you hadn’t pushed. This was something you didn’t need to know about, but you’re an adult. If you had to know, this was the way.” Dad stood and helped me up from the couch.
“I need some time to understand all of this, Dad. It’s a lot to take in.” My head spun from the news and ached like I had been pummeled with a baseball bat.
“Ok, whatever you need, or whenever you want to talk, but Jen, please, keep this to yourself. No one else knows about this, and I’d like to keep it that way.” Dad kissed my head and left, quietly shutting the door and leaving me to my thoughts.
I found my way back my desk and sat in the silence. I wasn’t sure what to do next. I stared at the computer screen, clicking randomly, going through the motions of looking at my emails without actually reading a word. Nothing made sense anymore.
Brice’s email filled the screen. I glossed over the text until the words snapped me back to reality.
I spoke with John Doll. He and Macie met her ex-boyfriend at the bar that night. His name is Jacob Harritan.
My heart sank into my stomach.
Chapter Twenty
A maze of boxes lined the hallways and rooms of my once elegantly decorated apartment. I felt claustrophobic in the now cramped space. My head still spun from the conversation with my dad, and the news he had delivered just hours ago. I desperately needed to escape, but I could barely drag myself out of my cozy bed. A glass of red wine sat just an arm’s reach away amongst the crumbs of the red velvet Pop Tart I had forced down earlier.
Just as I felt life was going to get back on track, it was quickly derailed faster than I could ever have imagined. Jennifer, you have no one to blame but yourself. You had to know. You wanted to know. You created this. I shook my head in disbelief and at the thought of blaming myself. I knew deep down that I could have prevented the way I felt, had I just not dug into this. I could have easily just remembered my mother the way I had before. Instead, I had tainted her memory and my feelings and relationship toward my father.
I squinted through the darkness with one eye and reached for the wine glass. One more swig to drown the pain. I fished through the sheets for my phone and called Cain. I wasn’t sure what I was going to tell him, or what I needed from him, but I knew I couldn’t continue to be alone.
“Hey, gorgeous! I was just thinking about you. Up for dinner tonight?”
I opened my mouth to speak and sobs immediately poured out, as if from nowhere. I hadn’t expected what was happening. “Cain, can you come get me?”
Cain’s rushed and panicked voice echoed through the phone. “Jen, what’s going on? Are you all right? Where are you?”
“Home…no…yes. I’m Ok. I just need you, right now. It’s been a terrible day. I don’t want to be alone right now.” I exhaled and felt my lip quivering as tears streamed down my face. The alcohol had initially numbed the pain but now allowed the repressed feelings to gush out.
“I’m on my way. Are you sure you’re Ok? You’re not hurt? You’re alone?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m here—please, just come get me.” Another sob escaped.
“See you in a few minutes.”
“Ok.” I hung up the phone and felt an immediate release of tension throughout my body. Just knowing he was on his way helped. I slid the phone back under the sheets and let my head sink into the thick down pillow. I drifted off into the darkness.
The doorbell, followed by a knock and Cain’s voice, finally pulled me back to the present. I had given Cain a key after my apartment had been broken into, months ago, but this was probably the first time he’d ever had to use it. His long hurried strides echoed throughout the apartment. “Jen? Where are you?”
“Here…in the bedroom.”
Cain flipped on the light switch and revealed my disheveled bedroom, strewn with boxes and stacks of clothes ready for my move. The blinding light hurt my eyes and I pulled the comforter over my head to block out the harsh glare as he moved closer. “What’s going on? Are you Ok?”
“Please, turn off the light. I’m fine.” I heard the click of the switch and emerged from my comfortable shelter, barely exposing my eyes.
“Jen, talk to me. You had me worried on the phone. What’s going on?” Cain sat on the edge of the bed and gently stroked my arm.
I sat up and wrapped my arms around him. I needed to be held and wasn’t sure exactly where to start explaining everything. “I’m still trying to p
rocess it all. I’ve been pushing Dad to give me more details about my mother and how she died.” Cain’s strong arm held me close as he rubbed my back. “I guess I wasn’t prepared for everything that came with it.”
“What do you mean? Why would you want more details?”
“This case I’ve been working on, with Brice…it just made me think about my mother a lot. It made me want to know more. It made me miss her, and I guess I felt if I knew everything that happened I’d be able to accept it better…but it’s actually the opposite. It’s just brought up more questions…more bad news.” I pulled back and looked into Cain’s electric blue eyes. I could feel my eyes filling with tears as the words slowly left my lips. “My mother was having an affair and my father knew about it. Right before she died.”
A blank expression filled Cain’s face as he fumbled for the right words. “Oh, Jennifer, I’m sorry. I know this has to be tough. I don’t—”
“Please, Cain, don’t. I don’t really want to talk about it. Can we just go back to your place? I want to escape all of this right now. I just need to get away.” I nuzzled in close to him again and drew in a deep breath of his cologne as I rested my head on his shoulder.
“Sure, let’s pack a few things and get out of here.” Cain kissed the back of my head ever-so gently and held me a few minutes longer, until I was able to regain my composure. I packed a few things, grabbed my work bag, and we headed off to Cain’s home.
The soft satin sheets of Cain’s king-size bed provided little comfort from the images racing through my mind. I tossed and turned, more restless than ever, as I imagined all of the things I had just learned about my mother. My innocent, sweet memories began to fade and all I could do was blame my father and resent my mother for her decisions. Again I blamed myself for the position I was in. I forced this on my father. I forced this on myself. I should have known better, and I now I had to live outcome.
Faint light slipped through the draperies and a sliver of light illuminated Cain’s uncovered chest. I lay and stared at him and thought about us. I wondered how our lives might turn out if we kept along the path we were on. We both spent long hours at work. We both threw everything we had into our jobs. Somehow we found time for each other, but a part of me wondered if we might end up like my parents, driven into someone else’s arms.
I placed my head on Cain’s chest. The sound of his heart beating and gentle breathing brought a temporary calmness to my self-created insanity. I closed my eyes and just listened to the hypnotic rhythm. The sound of the man I wanted to love but was so scared to.
* * * * *
The weekend dragged on as I isolated myself in Cain’s house, moving from the bed to the shower, to the kitchen, to the bar and back to the bed. I turned my phone off and refused to check emails. I needed solitude while I processed everything. I barely spoke to Cain, not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I wanted to drown out the pain and only be held. It began to take its toll on Cain and I could tell that as much as he wanted to give me the space I needed, his frustration was growing.
“Jennifer, I think we need to talk about this. It’s Sunday and you haven’t said more than two sentences to anyone since Friday. Tomorrow you’re going to have to face your father and the rest of your life. You can’t continue like this.” Cain leaned against the doorway of the master bath as I lay on the bed, my head covered.
“I know. I’ve done nothing but think about this all weekend.”
“Are you ready to talk about it now?” Cain didn’t wait for my answer. He shook his head and continued. “I understand how difficult it is, losing a parent and then finding out everything you believed wasn’t true. Trust me, the things I learned about my father after his death hurt me. But it didn’t make me miss him any less. Your mother had her reasons, as did your father, but Jennifer, if you keep pushing with this, you’re going to drive your father away. You’re going to lose the only living connection you have to your mother.”
“I understand that, Cain.” I pushed away the heavy down comforter and met his gaze. “But this is my choice. I know what I have to do, and until then things may be difficult for my father and I. He needs to take responsibility for what he did, and I’m going to make sure that happens.”
“I think that’s a very bad idea. You’re only going to—”
“Cain, it’s my decision. I appreciate your concern but you have no idea what I’m going through right now. I need your support, not a lecture.” I pulled myself out of the bed and grabbed the clothes I had left on the floor. “I think it’s best that I head back to my apartment tonight. I have a lot going on tomorrow and I really don’t want to argue with you tonight. Can you take me home or should I call a cab?”
“No, I’ll take you.” Cain slowly walked over and hugged me as he gently kissed my forehead. “I will support you. I just don’t want you to regret what I think you’re about to do.”
“I won’t.”
Chapter Twenty-One
I’d grown accustomed to the new office smell and missed it desperately. The feel of newness had worn off and now work was beginning to feel more like work. The night alone without Cain gave me some additional time to really reflect on my plan and decide my next steps. I knew this was hitting close to home and I couldn’t do it all myself. I sat in my new empty office and stared out the window. The sunrise colored the white clouds a brilliant orange and reflected brightly off of the mirrored buildings that towered next door. The faint click of the lobby door, followed by Reese’s recognizable clearing of his throat, slowly brought me back to the office and what I knew needed to be done.
I grabbed my cup of coffee and made my way to Reese’s office, adjacent to mine. Reese still hadn’t decorated and his huge mahogany desk and red leather chair looked like a barren island sitting in the middle of the light blue office carpeting.
I gathered myself and attempted to be calm, cool and collected. “Good morning, Reese, I hope you had a good weekend?” I smiled as I cupped the warm coffee mug with my chilled hands.
“Aw, you know, Jennifer, when you get to be my age just having another weekend is nice, but I hate this damn cold weather.” Reese peered at me over his glasses and smiled back at me. “I hope you weren’t working this weekend, as usual?”
“No, the opposite. I…I actually did a lot of thinking about things. Remember I asked you about my mother?”
Reese nodded. “And remember the advice I gave you?”
“I do…but it’s too late for that.” I slowly sipped from my coffee mug as I contemplated my decision. “Reese, I need your help. I talked to my father on Friday, and…well…I learned some things.”
“Jennifer, I warned you about this. I told you that it might be better to just let things go.” Reese shook his head and folded his arms across his chest. “So now what? What did you find out?”
“It’s best if I don’t go into all of the details quite yet, but I found out that Mom and Dad were at a benefit that night, at the Harritans, apparently—”
“Oh sure, I remember that name. Your dad used to talk about them. It’s been a while.”
“Yes, well, apparently they haven’t really spoken since then.” I noticed myself swaying back and forth and tried to steady myself. I hoped Reese hadn’t noticed my nervousness, but I didn’t want to give away just how on edge I really was. “I found out this weekend that their son, Jacob, is somehow involved in this case we’re working on for Brice.”
“Well, that’s got to be awkward for your father. What did he say?”
“I haven’t told him yet. But we need to get some information on the family and Jacob, and based on my conversation with Dad the other day I don’t think it would be good for him to know about this or be involved. Do you think you can get some info and keep it quiet?”
Reese leaned back in his chair and tugged at his ear as he contemplated my question. “Well, I don’t like hiding things from him, but since this is our case, and he’s not really involved…Ok.” Reese leaned
forward and placed his elbows on the desk and stared me hard in the eyes. “Jennifer, don’t let this come back to bite me…and eventually I’m going to need to know the entire story, because I can tell you are leaving out some pretty important details.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Jennifer, I’ve been doing this for a long time. I don’t need to be a professional psychologist or body language expert to know when someone is leaving out some critical details or hiding something from me. Not to mention they’re asking me not to tell their father.” Reese smiled. “Just say ‘Ok, thank you, Reese.’ ”
I smiled back meekly. “Ok, thank you, Reese.” I paused for a moment as we exchanged uncomfortable smiles and then slinked back to my office to dive into the day’s work. I knew I could trust Reese, but I didn’t want to keep him in the dark too long.
Now that we were settled into our new office things had quieted down a little bit. We had a temp receptionist manning the phones and helping with some basic filing, a few interns on loan from Dunning, Durst and Chandler, Aimee, Reese and myself. We mostly kept out of each other’s way and were busy with running down leads and making phones calls. I had laid out a training plan for Aimee; she was going to shadow Reese or I for the next few weeks, but her primary responsibility was as my assistant. It was a tough job and I knew I could be a complete bitch when I was stressed.
I flopped onto the sofa in my office with a stack of files from potential clients. I realized that Brice’s case was the only real paying case we had at the moment, but there was a ton of low hanging fruit—easy cases that we could likely turn over quickly. I flipped through the files, one by one, and scribbled some notes on each.
“Hey! Morning, Jen! Did you have a good weekend?” Aimee hung in the doorway for just a moment before slipping into my office.