“How’ve you been?” he asked, finally speaking.
“Good,” I said, without further comment.
“And…how’ve things been at the label?”
“Busy.”
“Bloodborne still moving albums?”
“Yup.”
More silence. I forced down a few bites and washed them down with some soda.
I knew I should’ve been doing a better job at making Johnny feel welcome, but it was all too much. It was as though the stress I’d been going through over the last few months was finally breaking through the dam. All I could do was sit in silence and hope that I didn’t have an outburst.
And the worst part was that I was truly happy to see him. Johnny being here with me while I was pregnant is the exact thing I’d been dreaming about over the last few months. But with what Rick had said and what was at stake, it was more like a nightmare.
“You want to…watch whatever it was that you were watching?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said.
I glanced down at the half-eaten piece of pizza and knew I couldn’t force any more down. Even the ice cream that I’d been looking forward to all evening didn’t sound good. I brought my plate and Johnny’s into the kitchen while he killed the music and turned the TV back on.
Soon after I was seated next to him, a few feet of space between us as the TV droned on.
Finally, after a few minutes of this, Johnny reached over and tried to slip his arm around my shoulder. The idea of him touching me freaked me out—touching meant he might accidentally reach down and feel my bump. I let out a yelp as I quickly moved away from him.
That was the last straw for Johnny. He reached forward, hit mute on the TV, and turned back to me.
“Okay,” he said, his tone sharp. “Something’s going on here. I could tell from the moment I saw you that you weren’t happy to see me. And if that’s the way you feel, fine, but at least come out and say it.”
I said nothing, and he shook his head.
“Sorry for snapping,” he said. “But I think I should go. I can tell you don’t want me here. I know dropping by without saying anything was a bad idea, and I put you in an awkward position. And I should’ve taken the hint with you always being too busy when I’d invite you to come see me on tour.”
I chewed my lip nervously, not sure what to say. The idea of Johnny leaving and thinking that I didn’t want to be around him pained me to even consider.
“It’s not that,” I said. “It’s not that at all.”
He cocked his head to the side, now totally confused.
“I’m happy to see you,” I said. “I’ve been missing you like crazy these last few weeks.”
He laughed mirthlessly. “You’ve got a strange way of showing it,” he said. “You want to tell me what’s going on, Kendra? Because you’re acting totally weird.”
I glanced down at my belly and closed my eyes. I had a choice—tell Johnny a lie and hope he bought it, or tell him the truth. Telling him a lie would only kick the can down the road. He’d soon realize there was something weird going on no matter what I did—which meant I’d have to ask him to leave. And maybe this time he wouldn’t come back.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
“There is something going on,” I said. “Something you need to know about. Something you’ve needed to know about for a long time.”
“What is it?” he asked.
It was now or never. I either had to tell the truth or send him packing.
So I did it. I stood up, took off my cardigan, and pulled my shirt up to my chest. The air of the apartment was cool on my full, round belly.
“Is that…” he said, trailing off.
I nodded.
“It is,” I said, my eyes flicking to Johnny’s expression of total shock. “It’s exactly what it looks like.”
I took another breath.
“And it’s yours.”
Boom. There it was.
Johnny said nothing for several long moments. Then he clenched his jaw and stood up and started toward the door.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
But it was too late. Before I could finish the sentence, he was gone, the door slamming shut behind him.
And all I could do was try to wrap my head around the fact that I’d just blown up everything I’d been trying to protect.
Chapter 29
Johnny
Storming out of the apartment like that hadn’t been the most mature move in the world, but it was all I could do. Seeing Kendra standing there, her flannel shirt pulled up to her chest, her pregnant belly on full display—it was too much to handle.
What was I supposed to do? Say “awesome,” give her a thumbs-up, and go grab a slice of pizza? She’d dropped the single largest bombshell of my life onto me, and she’d done it like she was throwing me into the deep end of a freezing cold pool—no warning, no lead-up, no chance to brace for it.
Just bam—a pregnant woman, right there in front of me.
My mind was still reeling from it all. I’d come over thinking we’d hang out, maybe listen to some music, maybe even kiss if she was still into me like that. Never in a million years did I expect to learn that she was having my baby.
When I’d left the apartment, I hadn’t even paid attention to where I was going. I’d simply taken off down the street, my thoughts in a daze and my eyes fixed on the sidewalk. But now that I’d had a chance to work off some of the nervous energy, the reality of what was happening began to dawn on me.
Kendra was pregnant, and the baby was mine. I was going to be a father.
A father.
I stopped in my tracks, mouthing the word. I’d been a rock star for so long that I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of being something else, let alone a parent. I hadn’t even thought about whether or not I’d wanted it.
But right now, that didn’t matter; it was going to happen whether I wanted it or not.
I plopped down onto a nearby bench, letting my head hang down. Part of me was mad. No, beyond mad—furious. Based on the months that had passed since we slept together, that meant she had to be more than halfway along. And this meant that she’d kept it from me this whole time. I’d been traveling around the world totally oblivious to the fact that there was a woman carrying my child.
Then again, what would I even have done if I’d known? Canceled the tour and flown back to her? It sounded crazy, but maybe it would’ve been the right thing to do, to be by her side while she went through all of this.
She didn’t give me the choice, however. For God knows what reason, she hid this from me.
Another thought occurred to me: she likely only told me because I was there and she was getting to the point where it’d be totally impossible to hide her pregnancy from me. What if I hadn’t shown up? Would she have kept it hidden from me until the baby was born? And then what? Would she have hidden it from me then too?
I’d learned something that I wasn’t supposed to, something that had been hidden from me. I was mad and overwhelmed and stressed and scared all at the same time.
When I raised my head, I cast my gaze across the street at the familiar neon lights of a cheap dive bar.
I hadn’t drunk in forever, and right at that moment, a whiskey sounded like the best thing imaginable. I needed something to take the edge off.
Hell, make it a double.
I heaved myself off the bench and hurried across the street. Moments later I was in the bar, the dim lights, stale air, and grungy music comforting in a strange way. I glanced around the space, seeing no one there other than a hulking bartender in a sleeveless shirt and a handful of drinkers who looked like they’d been at it since the first half of the day.
I bellied up to the bar and eagerly scanned over the booze available. Sure, I wanted whiskey. But what kind? They all seemed so good, so equally capable of plunging me into the mental oblivion that I needed.
The bartender approached me and grunted—his way
of asking me what I wanted.
“Give me a double Morganford,” I said. “Neat.”
The bartender let out another grunt in response before turning around and grabbing the bottle from the shelf. He poured me a tall glass and pushed it in front of me. The amber liquid was rich and fragrant, and all I could think about was how good it’d be to throw it down the hatch.
I paid and put my hands around the glass. I closed my eyes and took in a long, slow sniff. I’d have this one, then one more, and see where the night took me. Maybe I could swing into a nearby club and check out some local bands, maybe even get a good lead on a party. After all, I had some hell-raising to catch up on.
That’s what I told myself, at least.
I raised the glass of bourbon and prepared to drink. But right as I opened my mouth, I thought of Kendra. I thought about her standing in front of me, her belly big and round. I thought about how confused and conflicted and scared she looked, how she had no idea how I was going to take what she was going to tell me.
She was alone and soon to be a mother. And here I was, ready to get plastered and black-out, sloppy drunk. Was this the type of man I wanted to be? The type of father? I knew I’d remember this day for the rest of my life. Was acting like some stupid kid and getting drunk off my ass really what I wanted to think about?
I let out a long sigh and set the glass back down onto the bar. Leaning over, I got the attention of an older guy a few seats down, one who was sitting with an empty glass in front of him.
“Hey, pal,” I said.
He looked up as if unsure that I was talking to him.
“Yeah, you,” I said.
Now he pointed to his chest.
“You like bourbon?”
“You kidding?” he said, his previously sleepy eyes lighting up. “Love the stuff.”
I slid the drink down in his direction. “All yours,” I said. “On me.”
He thanked me, and didn’t waste any time getting it down the hatch.
As for me, I pushed myself away from the bar and got up.
I didn’t have another second to waste. The mother of my child was waiting for me.
Chapter 30
Kendra
I’d spent the last hour since Johnny left chastising myself for being so damn stupid. What the hell was I thinking? Of all the ways I could’ve broken the news to him, I had to do it by standing up and showing him my pregnant belly like I was at a doctor’s office showing him some exotic new rash.
I could’ve taken him by the hand, looked into his eyes, and told him that his life was about to change forever and in the best way possible. Then I could’ve taken his hand and placed in on my belly, letting him feel what I was talking about.
Yeah, that would’ve been nice. Instead, I dropped the news like a sack of potatoes and let him figure out how to deal with it.
At first, I was mad that he’d chosen to react by storming out of the apartment. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there really wasn’t any other way for him to react. I’d given him the most major news of his life—of course he needed some time to think.
I stepped over to the pizza on the counter, picked up a slice, and sank my teeth into it.
At least, I hoped he’d only left because he needed some time to think. There was the definite possibility that he hadn’t just gone out to clear his head, but that he’d gone out for good. Maybe he was on his way to the airport right at that moment, preparing to get on a plane and go right back to Tokyo.
Maybe the fear that had been dwelling in the back of my mind about raising this baby on my own was about to come true.
I hated that I was in the kitchen eating like a pig at a time like this, but I was so hungry from the baby that I couldn’t help it. The baby didn’t care what else was going on—it needed food, and that was that. I knew I needed to get used to the idea of putting someone else’s needs before my own. Now was as good of a time to start as ever.
The doorknob turned as I popped the last bit of pizza into my mouth. My heart skipped a beat as the door opened.
Johnny stepped in and shut the door behind him before turning his blue eyes onto me. There was a strange look on his face, one that was apologetic and worried and excited all at the same time. I had no idea what was going on in that head of his.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” I said right back.
I looked up him and down, wondering if he’d taken the last hour to head to the nearest bar and get good and hammered. But if he was drunk, he sure didn’t show it.
“Mind if we talk?” he asked.
I closed the pizza box.
“Sure,” I said.
Johnny sat down at the kitchen table and clasped his hands together. I slid into the seat next to him and waited for him to speak. My stomach was absolutely boiling with stress—part of me was convinced that he was going to say “thanks but no thanks” and head right back out the door.
“First of all,” he said. “I want to say I’m sorry.”
“‘You’re sorry’?” I asked. “For what? I’m the one who kept this from you.”
“I’m sorry for leaving like that,” he said. “It was just…a hell of a shock. I had no idea how to react.”
I allowed myself a small smile. “I could’ve been a little more delicate in dropping the news.”
“It’s fine,” he said, matching my smile. “Better that you got it out there like that.”
“Where’d you go?” I asked.
“Just for a walk,” he said. “Went around the block, almost got a drink, then didn’t.”
“Really?” I asked. “What changed your mind?”
“The fact that I’m about to be a dad,” he said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Doesn’t really say much about me if I react to the news by getting trashed.”
“Good point,” I said. I was happy to hear it.
“But…just to put it out there, I’m here for you. I want to be the dad that this baby needs, and I’m going to do right by the both of you. Don’t even worry about it for a second.”
It felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. It was the best news I could’ve hoped for.
“You look relieved,” he said with a small smile. “And surprised.”
“More relieved than surprised,” I admitted.
“What, you thought I was going to ditch you or something?”
“Not that I thought you, Johnny Maxton, were going to leave me,” I said. “But more that I was worried about the idea of it. Having to do all this alone. If that makes sense.”
“It does,” he said. “But you don’t need to worry about that. I’m here, and I’m going to help.”
He reached across the table and took my hand. God, his touch felt good. It was just what I needed.
“Now,” he said. “You’re going to have to indulge me.”
“How do you mean?” I asked.
“Tell me why you kept this from me,” he said. “You’ve been walking around for what, five months? Knowing that I was the dad and keeping this from me. Why?”
“It’s complicated,” I said, thinking about what Rick had told me.
“Then do your best to un-complicate it.”
I took a breath and glanced down, trying to put together my thoughts. “It’s Rick.”
“Huh?” Johnny blurted out. “My manager? What the hell does he have to do with this?”
“When I found out the news, I tried to get in touch with you. It was the first thing I wanted to do. But I realized that I didn’t have your number or any way to get a hold of you.”
“Uh-huh,” he said.
“So, I reached out to Rick, figuring that he’d be able to link me up with you. I tried to make up a lie about why I needed to talk to you, but he saw right through it.”
“Then what?”
I could tell that Johnny was getting more agitated by the second.
“I told him the truth—that I was pregnan
t.”
“And what’d he say?”
“He said…that I couldn’t tell you.”
“What?” The word exploded out of Johnny’s mouth.
“Right,” I said. “He told me that things had been dicey with you and the band, that you were close to quitting, and learning you were going to be a dad might be the last straw. He flew here and sat down with me face to face and told me I couldn’t tell you.”
“Go on,” said Johnny through clenched teeth.
“He said that if I told you and you broke your contract as a result, he’d sue me for lost revenue and take everything I had. Then he’d sue you for breach of contract and make sure you didn’t walk away with a dime.”
“Are you—are you fucking kidding me?”
Johnny was pissed—no doubt about that. I knew that he was angry at Rick, and that he had more than enough reason to be, but his temper was putting me on edge.
He must’ve sensed this because he took a few deep breaths and loosened up.
“We can deal with that asshole later,” he said. “Right now all I care about is you.”
He stood up and gestured for me to do the same. When I did, he pulled me into a tight, close hug. This time our hips actually touched.
But there was still something between us, something that Johnny must’ve picked up on.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Just thinking about how Rick said that you wouldn’t even want anything to do with me even if I told you. That you were more into your life of booze and groupies and drugs.”
He let out a snort and shook his head.
“And you really think that?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Well, part of me was sure that you’d do the right thing. But another part of me realized that as close as I feel to you, I don’t really know you all that well. It feels like there’s still a lot of Johnny Maxton that’s hidden away from me.”
He appeared to think the matter over.
“What’re you doing for the next few days?” he asked.
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