We sit quietly, for a few minutes, him stroking my hair, me trying to nestle closer into his chest. His arms tighten around me and one hand slides down to rest on my stomach.
“You’ve gotten bigger,” he says quietly.
“Have I?” I thought I had, but there’s been no one to confirm it. Hearing him say it makes it all real in a way it hasn’t been. “The baby’s only about as big as a seed right now. According to my book, I mean.”
“Your book?”
I point it out, on the table by the TV. “I’ve been reading up.”
“Can I have a look?” he asks. “I’d like to know what’s going on with the baby too.”
“Later,” I tell him. “You’re in the middle of something right now.”
“Am I? What’s that?”
“Hugging.” I pull his arms tighter around me. “And you never finished your story, either. What happened when you told Parliament they had to make a decision? I’m guessing it didn’t go the way you’d hoped, or you wouldn’t be here right now.”
“Actually, the whole thing was kind of a mess after that,” Alex says. “The prime minister called for a vote, but they need a strong majority to force abdication, and they just didn’t have it. But since just slightly more than half of the ministers did want me to step aside, I couldn’t just ignore them either. The preliminary vote was fifty-two percent in favor of my giving up the throne and forty-eight arguing that I should keep it.”
“What percentage do they need to force you off the throne?” I ask.
“Sixty-six.”
“Well, that’s good then,” I say. “They’re not anywhere near that.”
“No, but that was just the preliminary vote. Then they went into debates about the issue. And any time there’s a debate in Parliament, it’s an opportunity for the members to haul out pieces of legislation they’ve wanted to get passed that haven’t had a chance to make it through. One man was very dedicated to the preservation of national parks, for example, and pledged that if the budget found a certain amount of money for that endeavor, he would switch sides.”
I’m aghast. “That’s terrible! He’s selling you out!”
“That’s politics, I’m afraid,” Alex says. “People will figure out ways to get what they want.”
I don’t like it, but I know he’s right. That’s how things work here in the U.S., after all. I had hoped that a monarchy like Avaran might be a little more…genteel.
“All right,” I say. “So they started debating. Then what?”
“Well, then it turned into a bit of a fight, to be honest,” Alex says, sounding embarrassed. “It seems that while some people were willing to use the question of my rule as political capital, others felt more like you do. There was talk on both sides of the others being traitors to the crown. Amid all that, someone leaked the story to the press, and headlines started showing up online.”
I stiffen in his arms, and he kisses the crown of my head.
“They don’t know it’s you,” he says. “But now public opinion is part of the conversation, and it’s bound to have an impact on Parliament’s eventual decision.”
“Bound to? You mean they haven’t made a decision yet? What are they waiting for?”
“I don’t actually know what happened,” Alex admits. “I left before it was resolved. I got your text message, you see, and I knew that I had to put my money where my mouth was. I’d been telling Parliament for hours that I was willing to put family before my title, to give up the throne for the sake of love. And yet here I was, arguing with them, while you so clearly needed me. I left for the airport right then and there.”
“So you could have answered my text!” I swat gently at his hand.
He presses his face to the top of my head. “I couldn’t have said that to you in a text.”
“Said what to me?”
He doesn’t answer, just rests his chin on my head.
And then his words catch up with me.
“You said love. You said you’d give up your throne for the sake of love.”
He still doesn’t answer, but his arms tighten around me in response.
“You love me?” I ask, my voice a whisper, barely believing.
“You didn’t know?” he asks.
“I knew there was…something. You flew all the way here for me when your government was in total upheaval over what to do with your title and your crown. I knew I wasn’t nothing to you. But I’m carrying your child. I didn’t know how much of it was me and how much was the baby.”
He shakes his head. “But how could you not have known?” he asks. “The time we spent together in Avaran…nothing else in my life has ever been like it. We connected in a way that was profound. Surreal, almost.”
“That’s just it,” I say, unsure why I’m pushing back at him, why I can’t just accept the words I’ve wanted to hear. “It was surreal. It felt like…like something that doesn’t happen to people. Nobody just meets and feels a connection like that. So I convinced myself I was imagining it, or believing in it because I so badly wanted it to be there. It couldn’t have really been as powerful as I thought it was.”
“But it was,” Alex insists. “I felt it too.”
To my embarrassment, I’m shivering a little in his arms. I’m just so overcome by all this. After all the waiting and wondering, after having convinced myself that I was truly alone in my feelings, he shows up at my door and tells me he was right there with me all along? It’s too much.
Alex crushes me against his chest. “Erica, what is it?”
I swallow hard. I don’t want to cry when I speak.
“It’s just that I’ve been waiting here,” I tell him. “I’ve been waiting for you to…I didn’t even know what. To call me. To come for me. To tell me what’s going on. And it was so jarring, Alex, because one day I was in Avaran with you and everything felt so divine and perfect, and then as soon as we were out of each other’s sight, it was like you’d forgotten all about me. I expected to hear from you as soon as I landed, and that didn’t happen. And every time I reached out to you, it was like you were too busy for me.”
He turns me in his arms and pulls me against him. To my utter embarrassment, I find that I’m crying. He strokes my hair.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’ve been emotional lately.”
“It’s understandable.”
“It’s annoying.”
“I don’t find it annoying.” He slides a hand down my back, rubbing slow circles along my spine. “It comes with the territory. Your body is dealing with a lot right now. And…you’re also right. I have been distant. I was busy.”
I nod against him. “I don’t want to be needy.”
“You’re allowed to be a little needy. You’re pregnant. And I never told you that I loved you, did I?”
“Not…not in so many words.” I swallow. “I know I should have trusted the way it felt when we were together. I shouldn’t have needed it spelled out for me. I felt all the same things you did. I don’t know why I couldn’t just have faith in that.”
“You’re having to cope with a lot of unusual things in your life right now,” he says.
“So are you,” I point out. “You’re the one who’s standing up to his father and Parliament. You’re the one who’s being maligned by his people and who might lose his throne.”
“I’m the one who’s falling in love,” he counters.
I close my eyes. “You’re not the only one who’s doing that.”
He sighs, but for the first time since our conversation began, his sigh doesn’t sound frustrated or overwhelmed. It’s almost a laugh.
“We’ve done this all out of order, haven’t we? We’ve mixed everything up,” he says.
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve hardly even been on a date. Oh, I know we had drinks at the hotel on the night we first met, and we walked on the beach in Avaran, but if I was courting you properly, I would have taken you out for a nice dinner. That would have been o
ur first date. And I would have dropped you off back at your home and asked if I could see you again, and if I was very lucky, there might have been a kiss.”
“I don’t wish it had been like that,” I say. “I wouldn’t trade those nights we spent together for anything.”
“No,” he says. “Neither would I. I wouldn’t trade any of it. Even though you got pregnant before you knew I loved you. Maybe even before I truly knew I loved you. We did everything the way we needed to do it, and it brought us here, and I couldn’t be happier.”
His hands move to my belly, and his lips brush away my tears. “It doesn’t matter what Parliament thinks,” he says. “It doesn’t matter what my family thinks. All that matters is that I love you.”
I lean into him. “I love you too,” I say and catch his lips with mine.
Our kiss is long and luxurious. Only now do I realize how much I worried, both times we were together before, about our time together coming to an end. Both times, I knew we would have to say goodbye, and it lingered over everything good we shared between us like a storm about to break. But now that fear is gone.
Even though I don’t know all the answers yet, his love is answer enough for me. Wherever we go from here, we’ll go together. If Alex has to return to Avaran, I’ll go with him. If he can stay in LA for now, maybe we’ll do that. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except the man I love and the child we made together. Nothing matters except the future of our little family.
He scoops me into his arms and carries me to the bedroom. In a few months I know I’ll be too big to be carried around like this, so I need to enjoy it while I can.
There’s a part of me that wants to be thrown down on the bed and taken roughly, but I know he doesn’t dare toss me around while I’m pregnant. He’s gentle instead, settling me onto the pillows, standing at my feet to remove his clothes.
He pulls open the tie of my bathrobe and lays me bare, kissing his way from my ankle all the way up one side of my body and down the other. He’s deliciously patient, taking his time, leaving me squirming and begging for more.
“God,” he says, his voice husky with want. “I could watch you all day. I should. I should do this all day.”
“You’d better not.” I reach for him, but he pulls back, smiling.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” he says. “I’m a prince, remember? I outrank you.”
“You do not. I’m Princess Aeryn Redfall, and I command you to get over here and finish what you started.”
He laughs. “As you command, your highness.”
When we’re finished, he pulls the blankets up over both of us and wraps an arm around me.
“I could use a nap,” he says. “It’s been a long day already.”
“Mmm, a nap sounds nice,” I say softly. “Will you be here when I wake up?”
“What?” he asks. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“One of us is always leaving the morning after,” I say. “That’s how it’s been so far.”
He kisses the back of my neck. “I’m not leaving,” he says, and I hear the promise in his words. “Rest now, Erica. I’ll be here.”
Chapter 18
At first I’m not sure what woke me, because my nap hasn’t been that long and I’m still feeling tired. I’m anxious and uneasy, but I don’t know why. Alex. Is he gone?
No. No, he’s still here, a big warm presence in the bed beside me. Even as I think it, his hand wraps around my hip and subconsciously pulls me closer.
I’m worried about nothing. Everything’s fine. I allow my eyes to drift closed again…
And then I feel it—an intense pressure, bordering on painful. And I know immediately that this is what woke me up, that I felt this once before because it’s familiar. It feels like my insides are in a vice. My hands move to my stomach, cradle it, and I wish I could reach in to my little one and reassure myself that he or she is okay.
The pain fades, leaving me gasping. What was that? And should I be worried? I know better than to ignore any pain when I’m pregnant, but I feel fine now. I’m sure I just ate something funny. It was just a little cramp, right?
The tightness hits again. This time it’s so intense that I can’t help myself—I cry out. Just a little, but he shifts beside me, and I know he’s awake immediately.
“Erica? What is it?”
I want to say “I’m fine, go back to sleep,” but the words won’t come. To my astonishment, I find myself crying, overcome by fear.
“Something’s wrong,” I whisper. “I think something’s wrong, Alex…” Another wave of pain hits and I gasp and double over.
He’s on his feet. “Okay,” he says. “I’ve got you. Look at me. Hey, focus on me. I’m sure this is nothing to worry about. How long has it been going on?”
“Just a few minutes, I think…” I’m breathing heavily, trying to recover. The pain has receded, but I’m sure now that it will be back.
He slides out of bed and dresses quickly before helping me to my feet. From somewhere, he produces jeans and a sweater.
“Here we go, put these on.”
“Why…?”
“We’re going to head over to your doctor’s office and make sure everything is okay. I’ll call on the way if you give me the number.”
I nod. “On the fridge—no, don’t leave me,” I beg as he pulls away to retrieve it.
I feel pathetic, but I also feel like I’ll fall to pieces if I don’t have him to hold on to. This is terrifying. What if something is wrong with our baby?
Alex nods. “All right,” he says, and he stays with me while I dress.
Together, the two of us go to the kitchen and retrieve the info for my OB/GYN from the fridge before Alex leads me outside to a small blue rental car that waits in my driveway. He opens the passenger door and helps me inside just as another cramp hits.
It’s not until he has trouble extricating his arm from my grip that I realize how hard I’ve been squeezing him. I hope I haven’t hurt him. I add that to the list of wishes that are running desperately through my head right now.
As we make our way to the doctor’s office, Alex showing his usual disregard for speed limits, I’m vaguely aware of the sound of him talking on the phone. I hear a few words that I know pertain to my symptoms, “cramping” and “woke up with it.” I wrap my hands around my stomach and try to imagine I’m giving comfort to my child.
It’s all right, I think desperately. Hang in there. You’re going to be fine. I love you, and your father loves you, and we’re going to get you the best care there is. Everything’s going to be okay.
I wish I believed it. I wish I could feel as calm and confident as Alex seems to, because I know the baby can pick up on changes in my body, and the rush of anxiety I’m bringing to the table right now isn’t doing anyone any good.
I take deep breaths, trying to steady myself, trying to keep my body at peace. I can’t hold my distressed child. The only thing I can do to take care of him or her right now is to keep calm.
Chapter 19
It worries me not to be walking into the doctor’s office under my own steam, but Alex has me in his arms almost the moment the car stops. He carries me so easily. And, in truth, there’s a bit of relief to relaxing and letting someone else handle things right now. He places me in a chair and speaks to the receptionist in low, urgent tones, and I stare at the paintings on the wall across from me and try not to think about what might be happening.
Pain during pregnancy isn’t good. I know that. It’s not supposed to feel like this.
Is it my fault? I’ve been so stressed out. I know I have. Maybe it’s wrong that I’ve allowed my personal worries, my fears about my own life, to get into my head. All the time I’ve spent wondering what’s going to happen between me and Alex—has that been harmful to our child? I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I only wanted to help. I wanted my baby to have a father. I never wanted to cause any harm. Am I a terrible mother?
“Hey.” An arm settles around my
shoulders. His lips are at my temple. “Hey. Calm down. Everything’s all right.”
“No, something’s wrong…”
“I told that receptionist about your symptoms, and she said everything was probably okay but that the doctor would take a look for us,” Alex says. His hand rubs slow circles on my back. “He’ll be right out, okay?”
“It’s my fault.”
“Shh, no, it’s not.”
“I wasn’t careful enough. Alex, if something happens to the baby…”
“Nothing’s going to happen,” he says firmly. “Everything’s going to be fine.”
“Erica?” a voice calls.
I look up. There’s Dr. McGill, waiting in the doorway and smiling that easygoing smile of his. I get to my feet before Alex can pick me up again.
“I understand you’re having a little pain?” the doctor asks as he walks me back to an exam room.
I stop and double over in the hall as another spasm hits. Alex catches me with an arm around the chest and supports me until I can stand again.
“How long has this been going on?” the doctor asks.
“Not long,” Alex says. “Less than an hour.”
“Okay. Let’s have a look.”
Dr. McGill guides me into the exam room and indicates that I should undress and get up on the table. I do so, letting Alex help me into my gown.
Ordinarily I’d feel shy about this exam happening right in front of him like this—he might be the father of my child, we might be in love, but we’re still very new to each other—but I’m so anxious about the results that the last thing I want is to be alone.
The doctor runs several scans I don’t really understand and examines me up and down. Finally, he seems to have all the information he wants.
“Why don’t you go ahead and get dressed, Erica, and I’ll have a nurse bring you a cup of juice,” he suggests. “I’m sending your tests to the lab for a quick turnaround, and when they’re back we’ll discuss the results.”
“Thank you,” I say.
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