by Emma Evans
Not Mine
Emma Evans
Copyright © Emma Evans 2019
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, copied, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior written consent of the copyright holder.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
CONTENTS
Copyright
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Other Stories by Emma Evans
Extract from The Other Woman
About the author
Prologue
I will not look over. I really will not look over. It’s not going to do any good. It will inevitably lead to my downfall. I deserve my downfall. I know I asked for everything which will be thrown at me but it doesn’t make it any easier. I accept my fate. I accept whatever the consequences of my actions will be but it’s not going to stop the pounding of my heart which seems to be louder than this incessant, tireless place.
I keep my eyes firmly to the ground; the action is futile. I know I will not get through the next few seconds let alone hours this way. I hear people calling for my attention but I want to ignore them. I want to pretend none of this is happening but I can’t. This has happened. The day I had been hoping for and dreading has finally arrived. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel anything at all. I fear the outcome. I’m terrified of the ending. Most would judge my story. Most people would be disgusted and revolt at my actions. I am ashamed. I have turned into a person I do not recognise but I don’t know if I had my time again whether I would have done anything differently.
I cannot look over. My eyes want to betray me and I know they will soon. I have to pull myself together. I look up and I purposefully turn to the person standing before me. I put on a somewhat smile and go about my business. I know his order before he even tells me but I feel the need to be over attentive. I need to focus on this rather than where my attention really wants to go. I set about my task and once it’s complete I move onto the other. My heart will still not give me a reprieve. I’m dying inside and there’s not a single thing I can do other than to continue serving drinks and pretend like my world isn’t about to implode.
I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t pretend like nothing is going on. I often think about how I ended up here. I’ve made choices which aren’t me. I would have judged others for the actions I have taken. I don’t recognise myself but I’m not a bad person. I’m really not a bad person. I’ve made questionable choices but they’ve all been for him. Some would call me foolish; others would call me a slut.
My eyes wander almost involuntarily into the direction I really don’t want to look. He’s there, with her. The picture makes me feel nauseous which is insane. I feel like I am losing my mind. I’m lost; just like that. His sea blue eyes flaw me with one look. Why did he have to look at me? I cannot decipher anything from his look. He covers his emotions so well. I gulp and try and fail to continue whatever task I had started. I have no idea what I was doing. I still don’t know what I am doing but I love him. His attention is broken as he turns to his companion; his wife. I feel my heart breaking. I’ve caused my misery but I’ve also caused his and potentially hers. I don’t know how I can possibly win in this situation. He smiles. It’s ever so brief but he smiles at something she’s said.
I deserve my misery. I deserve all the pain in the world but it doesn’t change the fact I still want something that is not mine. He has me. I’m lost and I am making all the wrong decisions but I don’t care. He will be mine and I don’t care if that changes everything I believe to be right or wrong. She turns and I know this is it. Who will he choose or was there never really a choice? I realise I am about to find out but I’m not sure whether I want to hear the answers to my questions. That little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me he is not mine but the voice disintegrates as soon as they both stand. This is it.
Chapter 1
I zone out. It happens at times and I swear it is not on purpose. I like to think of myself as an attentive listener but every now and again I find my mind drifting off to different places; any places which escapes my very real reality. I’m not unhappy but I’m not happy either. I should feel content and I do feel more content than I did the year before but something still feels like its missing. I feel restless and the last time I felt restless I ended up enrolling at University. It’s by far the best move I have made in my twenty-seven years of life. I’m not being melodramatic; I’m being honest. I’ve worked at Grey Shadows for the last five years. The job has been good to me but it isn’t enough. I don’t know whether studying business management is going to get me far but at least I’m trying. I’ve coasted all my life and I’m proud I have finally started to take action.
I look around the bar and it’s still relatively quiet. It’s only half past six and the dinner crowd have not started to make their way in yet. I rock back and forth on my feet. I’m restless. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today but I cannot settle. I feel anxious; almost like I am waiting for something to happen. I will be waiting a very long time because nothing exciting ever happens in my life. I look around again. The row of stools which are the opposite end of the bar to where I am standing are empty. I know they won’t stay empty for long. It feels dim today. The lamps which are placed above the bar are doing their job well but something doesn’t seem right. I look around the room to see if I can find any significant difference but there’s none. The bar looks almost too perfect; unused which contrasts with the trade we have taken today. I’ve worked all day and I’ve not stopped but there’s something amiss. I know I’m not imagining it.
I drum my nails along the marble bar top. There will be a customer to serve any second; I’m sure of it. I scan the room again not knowing exactly what I am looking for. There are one or two diners in the restaurant. Maybe I should go over and offer to help. I know it’s not needed and I don’t particularly like serving in the restaurant but anything is better than this. The bar seems to suit it’s name today. I have no idea why it’s called Grey Shadows as there is nothing grey or gloomy about the place. I have asked around and no one seems to know. I guess it will be one of life’s little mysteries. The bar is made up of mainly pine and marble. There’s normally a light and homely feel to the place but not today. The deco is modern and chic which suits the clientele we seem to attract. I’m not saying they’re snobby... they’re just generally snobby. I do love working here and I take the cold and almost indifferent attitude I get from certain customers with a pinch of salt. I don’t particularly care if they think they’re better than me; I smile and get on with my job. It doesn’t happen with everyone of course but it transpires a lot more often than it should.
I let out a deep breath. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I cannot wait to finish today if only to rid me of this feeling. I push my long, auburn hair over my shoulders and cross my arms. I need something to concentrate on but my mind will not focus. I could go to the gym when I finish work. Yes, I think that’s exactly what I will do. A work out always clears my head. I used to train every so often but since I started university I’ve taken it a bit more seriously. It costs hal
f of what I was paying in my last gym and I am making the most of it. I look down at my small frame. I’m five foot four but if it wasn’t for my exercise routine I wouldn’t be the size I am. I’m not one of those naturally thin people. I work hard to look this way. I’m not tiny but I’m fit. I exhale. Well that passed a minute or two anyway. I clean the optics. It’s a pointless task as I already did it this morning and they are already gleaming but it’s something to do. If I go to the gym then I might as well go to the library after and finish my assignment. I might actually be ahead for once then. I’m not finding the course too difficult but I’m struggling to find the right work and University balance. I seem to be working the same amount of shifts I was before I enrolled into full time education. I don’t want to complain because I don’t want too many shifts taken off me; I still need to pay bills.
I crouch down and check whether anything needs replenishing in the fridges; I know there isn’t. I look at my watch that Darius bought me for my last birthday. I don’t have long left and I can make my escape. I’ll have to go home first to get my gym gear but it won’t take me long. I study my watch thinking there is something fundamental I have forgotten but I can’t seem to remember. I shake my head as I steady myself on my feet. I’m sure it will come back to me if it’s important.
I feel elated when I see Bob, one of our regulars walk in. I finally have a purpose. I smile and say hello as I make his drink. I ask him how he is and we make small talk for a few minutes. He seems nervous today. Maybe I am reading too much into it. Bob is in his fifties. He’s twice divorced and has one child from his second marriage. I know a lot about Bob. I even know his favourite colour is purple. He comes here a lot. I get the impression he is lonely. He always comes in on his own but there are a few regulars who come in and tend to band together. I look at my watch again. He’s a little earlier than normal but I’m not going to complain.
Bob looks nervously to the door and then back at me as he continues to talk about nothing at all. I’m not being mean but he seems to be on edge. I’m kind of glad it’s not just me feeling that way today. I nod my head and mumble a couple of words in reply. I don’t think he’s really listening and I know I’ve already started to shut off. Bob pulls at his top as if he is uncomfortable in his own skin when I notice he’s not in his normal attire. He’s wearing a white dress shirt and plain black trousers. Bob is a jeans and jumper kind of guy. He wears jumpers all year round even when it’s hot. His hair is slicked back into a nice style and the unusual behaviour is starting to make sense. He looks like he’s been to a funeral.
‘Are you okay Bob?’ I find myself asking out of genuine concern.
I’ve gotten to know all of the regulars really well over the years and I hate to see any of them upset.
‘Um yeah. I’m fine thanks Avery,’ he replies with a weak smile. He pulls his pint to his lips as though he is dying of thirst. He looks back to the door again.
I won’t pry. If he says he’s fine then I’ll accept it. He knows he can talk if he wants to and I’m sure he will once he’s supped a few more pints. I won’t be here to lend an ear but Ted will do the same. Ted should be here any minute to relieve me. I can’t wait. I’m not normally like this. I love my job. I’ll feel differently after I’ve been to the gym. It’s been an odd day; well an odd few hours anyway.
Bob looks to the door again but this time someone enters; a someone I haven’t seen before. The lady looks to be in her late forties, possibly early fifties. She’s wearing a long floral dress with a white transparent cardigan. She must be freezing. It’s my first thought because I know she must be. It’s spring but unlike the stereotypical weather from back in the day; it is nowhere near warm. We actually had some snow last week. The temperature has increased the last few days but not enough to brace summer dresses and sandals. I’m still firmly wearing my boots and coat until the sun is beaming in the sky. That day is not today.
The lady smiles in our direction and makes her way over. I smile back and wait eagerly to serve her. As I go to ask her what she would like I notice her attention is not on me but very much on Bob. Bob has gone a slight shade of red. I have never seen Bob blush before. She smiles warmly at him before saying hello. He mutters something back that I can barely make out. My brain finally starts to catch up. Bob hasn’t been to a funeral; he’s dressed up for a date. I’m speechless. I’ve listened to Bob rant many times about how love is a myth and the best thing anyone can do is to stay single. I always thought the statement was sad. Ted agreed with him wholeheartedly. I did think Ted was only trying to placate him but Ted will say things now and again which has me thinking he’s lonely too.
I feel like I’m interrupting a moment so I take a step back. There’s a whole bar between the three of us but I feel like they need a private moment. Bob seems almost shy but he compliments her and says all the right things. Who knew there was a hidden romantic in him? Well I guess he has been married twice; maybe this will be third time lucky. I’m getting way ahead of myself but who cares? I’m bored and I want to see him happy.
I scan the room. A few more diners have arrived. Stacey should be over soon with their drink order. Bob finally summons me and asks if he can have a glass of merlot. I pour the drink and they leave me for the comfort of a table. Bob smiles at me sheepishly before he walks off. I smile widely back at him. He has nothing to be embarrassed about. If he had wanted to keep it a secret then he wouldn’t have brought her here. The other regulars should be arriving here soon. They’ll be as surprised as I am.
‘Hey gorgeous.’ Ted sneaks up on me. I don’t really know if he’s snuck up on me but I didn’t know he was there so I’m going with it.
Where do I start with Ted? Well what can I say? Ted is Ted. I love him but not at all in that way. At the age of twenty-three he thinks he knows everything. Actually that’s probably not a fair statement. Ted doesn’t think he knows everything but he does know his own mind and he’s not afraid to express those opinions. He’s worked in the bar for the last two years and he’s happy as he is. I know that feeling. I was happy to plod along until one day everything seemed to change and that’s how drastic it felt.
I was nearing my late twenties with no real idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I get the impression that Ted isn’t lost. He doesn’t want to do any more than he is doing. He has a carefree and laidback attitude I would kill for. He’s one of those people you can’t help but like. Ted is an outrageous flirt and I don’t think I’ve seen him on a date with the same girl more than once. He likes it that way even though he makes jokes that he’s looking for the right one. If there’s one thing I know about Ted it is that he won’t settle. He will not settle down in any aspect of his life and I am fully expecting to come into work one day to discover he is moving half way across the world. He’s unpredictable but I love him. I love him like a brother and even though he chooses to flatter and compliment me I know he loves me like a sister.
Ted has become one of my closest friends. I think he might be my only male friend. It causes some friction between Darius and I but on the whole Darius is not a jealous person and he sees the way Ted and I are together and can see it is all innocent.
‘I am so glad to see you,’ I state unable to hide my delight.
‘It’s so heart-warming to know that you’ve missed me,’ he replies clutching his heart a little dramatically.
I giggle. I can’t help it. ‘Of course I have but I also can’t wait to get out of here today,’ I add.
‘That’s not like you,’ he says seriously all of a sudden.
I shrug my shoulders. ‘The last few hours have dragged,’ I admit.
Ted pulls his slightly too long light brown hair back into a pony-tail. At first I thought it was a fashion statement but I think he’s too lazy to go have it cut. He has great hair. His hair is pulled back tightly now but as soon as his shift ends the masses of waves will be let loose. Ted scans the room and a smile breaks out across his face. I don’t need to follow his gaze to
see what has made his day.
‘Be nice. Don’t embarrass him,’ I warn him.
‘Of course I won’t,’ he replies a little offended. Ted shakes his head as if he can’t quite believe it. ‘Who would have though it?’ he asks more to himself.
I go to answer him any way when another punter comes in. I serve the couple before I turn my attention back to Ted. His six foot tall frame towers over me but there is no way I could be intimidated by him.
‘Can I get two glasses of coke, one pint of bitter, two pints of peroni and a vodka tonic?’ Stacey almost stutters through her words and she’s in no way a shy person.
She directs the question at Ted. Of course she’s directed the question at Ted. It’s painfully obvious she still has a crush on him. I have no idea if something has happened between them because Ted is not the type to kiss and tell but the lingering looks Stacey has given Ted the last few weeks suggests that more has transpired than some harmless flirting.
‘Sure thing Stac,’ Ted replies with his easy smile. His smile causes her to reciprocate as if he has agreed to a lot more than to fulfil a drinks order.
‘That’s okay. I’ll get it,’ I say as I start to pull a pint. The way I see it is that the customer’s were in here before Ted so they’re my customers.
Stacey scowls at me fleetingly before she realises she’ll get to speak to Ted for longer. Her attention is no longer with me. I make the order as I watch them both. Stacey couldn’t make it more obvious how she feels and Ted is either oblivious or doesn’t care. She’s twisting a piece of her peroxide blonde hair around her finger and is giggling away at whatever Ted is telling her. She’s leaning into him and does not look professional at all. I scan the room and no one is paying any attention; no one except for me anyway. I put all of the drinks on a tray and head over to them.
‘I was just wondering if you were free...’