by Emma Evans
I never expected to make any friends at University. It’s not because I’m a loner and want to keep to myself but the age gap was constantly weighing heavy on my mind. What would I have in common with eighteen year olds other than our shared desire to learn? I have friends. I have many friends but they did all of this years ago. The majority of them are settled and are either married, getting married or have kids. It’s hard not to feel old when you compare.
Hannah won me over immediately. She wasn’t eighteen but she was only nineteen. She deferred her first year as she was unsure what she wanted to do. She was lucky it only took her a year to decide. It took me nearly ten. I try not to dwell on it but I think I am failing miserably. Hannah finally decided upon doing a joint honours course studying English with a minor in Business studies. It’s not the stereotypical mix but she’d said she wanted to be an English teacher but also wanted to keep her options open by studying Business. At the time I wasn’t really bothered what her motivations were but I was ecstatic I would see a familiar face in a couple of my lectures. We’d chosen a couple of the same modules.
I knew we were going to be friends after spending five minutes in the extensive queue with her. Hannah has an old soul. She’s sweet but reserved. She has an innocence about her that you don’t see about a lot these days. Hannah is modest and kind and I could go on about all the reasons why Hannah is such a super, awesome person but I’m going to move it along.
‘We’re about to grab some food if you want to join us?’ Hannah asks as she re-adjusts her rucksack on her back.
I contemplate the question. I hadn’t considered I might be hungry until she’d mentioned it. I am hungry. I only ate a banana for breakfast and now my stomach is growling like I haven’t eaten for days. I’m hungry but I also want to work out. I could get something light. Yes! That’s exactly what I’ll do and if I eat now then it means I won’t have to rush around before I go to work.
‘Yeah, great,’ I reply and involuntarily put my hand to my belly to illustrate the fact that I’m hungry or that before long food will be going there. I guess it’s all down to interpretation.
I hear Jess and Leah giggle behind me as we start to walk and I try to shake off the feeling they’re laughing at my idiocy. Actually I don’t really care if they think I’m an idiot. They probably think I’m an old idiot who needs to get with the times. How old do I actually think I am again? I shake my head. I’m letting my mind wander too much today and it’s not producing anything good. I do have the odd exception where I think of something monumental but then I forget it two minutes later. I’m definitely writing it all down next time I have the next revolutionary idea. They do happen from time to time... honest.
We head to the cafeteria. The food is divine. I am yet to try anything I haven’t immediately liked. Student food is the best and so unbelievably cheap. I could quite happily eat here every day. We’ve missed the busyness of the lunch time trade so there are plenty of tables for us to choose from. I don’t care where we sit. My toughest choice will be deciding what to eat. I know what I want to eat but I know I’ll likely go into a food coma after it and the gym will be out of the window for another day. I sigh as I pick up my tuna salad. The tuna salad is excellent here but it’s no lasagne and chips. I sit down almost glumly as I salivate over the girls choices.
‘I could murder a burger right now,’ I state to no one in particular.
‘Why don’t you have one then?’ Jess enquires as she pushes her streaked blonde hair behind her back.
‘Because I’m going to the gym soon and I don’t want to train on a full stomach,’ I retort still feeling sorry for myself.
Both Jess and Leah have a bemused look on their face like they can’t quite make me out. I feel like telling them to join the club.
‘I wish I had the motivation to go to the gym but I don’t,’ Hannah states as she stabs her fork into one of her chips.
‘You can come with me if you’d like?’ I offer. I don’t generally like to train with people but I’d be willing to try.
Hannah looks down at her meal. ‘Thanks for the offer but as you can see, I like food too much and even my fat thighs are not willpower enough to get me through the gym doors,’ she says in a tone which insinuates she’s joking but I get the impression that she’s not.
I look at Hannah for a second but I don’t know what to say. She is nowhere near what you would call over-weight. She has curves and she’s not stick thin like Jess, Leah or even Nadine but she’s not even close to fat. The resigned look on her face tells me she’s not going to think otherwise.
‘Hannah there’s nothing there of you,’ I reply and the sceptical look on her face tells me she doesn’t believe me. I could have chosen my words a bit more carefully.
‘If I had that salad I’d be starving an hour later,’ she adds as she finishes her meal and plays nervously with a couple of strands of her sandy blonde hair. The shade is natural unlike the majority of the people sitting in this room. Jess has her streaks and Leah has an intense red which has most definitely come straight out of the bottle.
I sit back in my chair. ‘I’ll be starving in an hour,’ I admit. I think I’ll grab some fruit on my way into work although I have no idea when I’ll have time to eat any as it’s always so busy. ‘But honestly any time you feel the inkling to go the gym, give me a call.’
Hannah takes off her glasses and starts to wipe them in her top. ‘Okay,’ she replies but we both know she is not going to take me up on my offer. Hannah returns the glasses to their rightful place once she is done.
The subject moves swiftly on from the gym to when they are going to go out next. I politely decline all the invites. I know I should make the effort to socialise but I can’t face it. I’ll be the oldest by far and as much as it shouldn’t bother me it still does. I remember Hannah trying to convince me to go out fresher’s week. She pleaded with me to go out even if it was only one night but I wouldn’t budge. There were fancy dress evenings and various other themes but I feel like I’ve outgrown that side of things. If I go out, I want to be able to sit in a nice quiet bar with a drink I don’t have to queue twenty minutes to get and be able to hear my friends when they speak to me. Is that so bad? I bet if I asked Jess or Leah it would be. Hannah is quite reserved and doesn’t go out anywhere near as much as her friends but I can see her coming out of her shell a bit more. She’s enjoying the social aspect of University a lot more than she was at the beginning.
We sit there and chat and I totally lose track of time until I glance at my watch some time later. I am definitely going to have to do a quick, intense workout if I am going to make it to work on time.
I hate rushing. I hate having to move at a speed I’m really not comfortable with just to ensure I am on time. I’ll readily move at fast speeds when it’s for fun. I wish my brain would switch off for a second, especially when I am trying to focus on getting to work. I’ll make it on time but I’m not going to be able to stop off to buy some fruit like I had wanted.
As I park up in the bars car park I search around the glove compartment for what I am looking for. I pull out the snickers. I always keep emergency chocolate in my car. You never know when you might need some. I’ll have to swap the chocolate for something a bit healthier and most importantly not likely to melt when the weather breaks. I’m still waiting for it. The winter has been brutal and never ending. The snow last week had been treacherous. I pull my coat tighter around myself at the thought. Where the hell is spring? The delayed appearance is getting to me a little. I hate being cold. I can’t wait for the summer months to break free.
I jump out of my car when I remember I’m actually still on the verge of running late and after I lock the door I open the chocolate wrapper and take a big bite. The chocolate feels heavenly in my mouth and I can’t get it all in there fast enough.
I push through the door as I eat the last quarter. One chocolate bar wasn’t enough and I am in half a mind to go back and get another. I’m always starvin
g after I’ve been to the gym and I should have been better prepared for that. I can’t believe I sat around chatting for so long. I need to get my focus back. It’s there when I train but I get so easily distracted with anything else I seem to do. As I think the words I go clattering into something hard; someone hard and if I didn’t have a mouth full of food I would certainly be swearing right now. I feel a tingling sensation and I don’t want to look. I really don’t want to look who I have inflicted myself upon because I know. I don’t need to look to see it’s Lawson. The melted chocolate in my mouth doesn’t want to move and I feel like I am choking; this cannot be happening now.
‘Excuse me,’ his deep voice resonates with me and he reaches out to steady me on my feet.
I could save this. I could apologise for bumping into him and make my escape if the remainder of the chocolate would dissipate but it doesn’t want to. I start to cough. Okay, I know I am pathetic but I’m pathetic and also likely to choke. First I need to get out of his arms; no first I need to stop choking. I don’t know what I need but my brain has decided to give up. He taps my back with some force. I will never be able to look him in the eye again if I cough up the chocolate all over him. I can barely look him in the eye as it is. My body is instinctively heaving and his tapping is very successfully making me want to throw up. I can’t throw up.
The chocolate slides down my throat; just like that. I can breathe again. The tears stream down my eyes which are firmly focused on the ground. I can’t look up. It’s not even the fact I can’t face Lawson but the whole place has gone silent so I know my little situation has not gone unnoticed. I have the strong desire to get out of here and not look back. This is too much.
‘Av, are you okay?’ I look up instinctively as Ted’s voice resonates.
He reaches out to touch me and that’s when I realise Lawson’s hand is still resting on my back. I focus on Ted. It seems easier that way.
‘I’m fine,’ I croak with tears streaming from my eyes.
Who knew you could choke on chocolate? It was already melting. I decide to push that thought to one side for now. I wipe my eyes and try to smile. I manage the task but I don’t know whether it is convincing or not. I’ve found a perfect spot on the ground I would like to open up and swallow me whole. That’s the only thing which is going to save me in this situation. For once I do not think I am being overly dramatic.
‘Are you sure?’ he asks with genuine concern. There’s no hint of amusement in his voice. It is quite a funny situation.
I look around nervously and as suspected everyone is watching. Jeez! This isn’t the movies. Can we move it along now? I guess I need to pull myself into action. No one is going to get me through this but me.
‘Course. Who could possibly nearly choke on chocolate except for me?’ I ask rhetorically.
I manage a better smile this time. At least I think I managed to anyway.
Ted looks uncertain. He looks from me to Lawson and then back again. He shakes his head a little as if he’s made his decision and moves back towards the bar. Chatter has started ever so quietly. It’s better than it was seconds before so I’m calling that a win.
I take a deep breath and then I turn to face him; my saviour. Is her really my saviour? I’m not really sure whether he did anything. I know he tapped my back but I think I stopped chocking because the chocolate finally melted. I don’t think this is really the time to be pondering this anyway.
I hate myself for doing it but I can’t seem to stop myself either. I do the whole looking down from his nicely shiny black shoes, slowly up to his delectable shines and calves, up to his broad chest which is unfairly covered by a navy suit until I get his enticing neck and finally rest upon that devastating face. Okay, so I know I’m not very good with words but he is just wow. He really is just wow and I’m staring at him. I am openly staring, right in front of him with those stunning eyes piercing right through me. I can’t look away. It’s like I’m possessed. I think I’ll go with that one. I am not accountable at all for my actions as I am possessed; well my lack of action is the real problem. He’s yet another person who most likely thinks I am an idiot. I’m starting to agree with them.
His face goes from concerned to something else; something I can’t decipher. It’s not surprising really seems as my body has decided to give up and not do a single thing I want it to do.
Lawson breaks the spell by looking down. I follow his gaze. His hand is still resting on my back. I think he’s only just realised that himself. He moves it swiftly before those eyes bestow themselves on me again. He never makes eye contact with me. I’ve never experienced the splendour of those captivating eyes before. I feel like I’ve seriously missed out up until now.
‘Avery you gave me such a freight,’ he says as he folds his hands across my chest.
How does he know my name? We’ve never conversed. I think I’ve only ever served him once before. Maybe he’s heard somebody call me. I shake my head. I can’t let it wander when I need to concentrate on formulating coherent words. I fear they may not come.
‘I’m so sorry I... um bumped into you... I um... wasn’t... I was um... rushing... I don’t know...’ I don’t know where the hell I’m going with this. It could go on for some time. I need to shut up and get myself behind the bar.
I look behind me and Ted is staring at us intently. I look back at Lawson. I open my mouth but no words emerge. I don’t know if no words are better than incoherent ones or not.
‘I meant the choking,’ he states as his lips twitch to keep from smiling. He really does think I’m an idiot; everyone here must think I am.
Something snaps in my brain and it’s as if the fog has been lifted.
‘I’m fine. Thank you for your concern though,’ I manage politely and sound nothing like myself; almost formal.
Lawson frowns for a second before he regains his composure. ‘Okay. I’ll see you around Avery Potter.’ He ends me with his smile before he turns and walks back towards the restaurant.
My rational has gone again. I don’t think I am going to get it back again this evening. He smiled. He smiled at me. I know I need to get a grip but it’s not every day that a male sex god smiles at you. I know I must be wearing a goofy grin on my face now but I don’t care. I think I’ll probably care in precisely a minute. I’m not even going to think about how he knows my full name. I know I’ve technically contemplated it now but I’m not going to obsess over it.
I have no idea how long I stand there on the spot. I’m praying it’s not long but I can’t be sure. I finally put my feet into motion and take myself to the other side of the bar. Ted is still staring at me. It should unnerve me but it doesn’t. My emotions are too all over the place to even consider which is the most potent of them all.
I give Ted a quick smile before I turn to the customer in front of me. I know there are going to be so many taunts from the regulars but I’ll have to suck it up. I have the urge to look over to the restaurant but I’m categorically not going to; not yet anyway.
‘I’ll serve a minute. You might want to go check your face.’ Ted instructs as he comes up beside me.
I frown not really catching his meaning but I do as he says. I’m really glad I did. I have chocolate dribbling down from my mouth to my chin. I thought the embarrassment couldn’t get any worse but there you have it. I don’t think I have it in me to feel any worse. I laugh at myself for a whole minute while in the bathroom. I know it would probably freak people out if they see me but that thought only makes me laugh harder. My logic is that if I don’t laugh, I’ll only cry and laughing seems like a much more fun option.
‘I wish you would look at me that way,’ Ted says some time later after the rush has died down a little. I can’t quite figure out his tone. He sounds as though he is teasing but his face is giving me a whole different impression.
I have not successfully managed to go the whole time without looking over at Lawson but I think I’ve at least been subtle. His attention has been entirely
focused on the companions he is with for the evening. I’ve seen them a couple of times before. He seems to relax a bit more with them than he does with the others.
I involuntarily look over to that table again before I turn to face Ted. ‘What way?’ I decide I’m going to plead innocence.
Ted cocks his head to one side as if he is trying to figure me out. He knows me so I have no idea what this is all about. ‘Like you want to devour him,’ he replies simply.
His look is unwavering and for some reason it makes me blush. It’s not his words. Ted teases me all of the time but this feels different.
My face is aflame and I open my mouth to issue my denial but then change my mind. I’d suspected that Ted had cottoned on to my little crush. Actually I wouldn’t call it a crush. A crush would imply I converse and I know Lawson; I don’t. The most we have ever spoken was earlier and that was brief. I find him attractive. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with appreciating that someone is attractive. It’s not like I’m ever going to act upon it. I feel Teds gaze intensify and I remember I have not actually answered him yet.
‘He’s hot,’ I reply simply and shrug my shoulders. That’s all there is to it really.
I serve a customer who has approached the bar and hope this will be the end of it.
‘And I’m not?’ he asks once I’ve finished what I’m doing.
‘Not what?’ I ask momentarily forgetting or choosing to forget what we had been discussing.
‘Hot,’ he answers as chestnut brown eyes fixate themselves on me. I don’t think they’d even left me. This feels a little intense and I don’t know why.