by Emma Evans
I feel like I’m under some kind of spell. I am very well aware that I am staring but I can’t stop. I really can’t stop. Why do I have this reaction to him? It’s irrational and dangerous. Actually I’ll take that back; it’s not dangerous. It’s not dangerous because I’m only looking. There’s no harm in looking. I’m lusting after another woman’s husband but the shame is not washing over me. I’m lusting after another man who isn’t my boyfriend; that point does hit the desired spot. I can’t seem to help it. It’s a poor excuse and Darius deserves better. I wonder whether this is normal. Do other people lust after someone who is not their partner? I don’t know.
My heart is pounding. My chest is rising and falling rapidly and I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I’m hurdling towards something I might live to regret. The reaction is too intense and I’m ashamed to say I’ve never felt this way about any other guy before. I’ve had boyfriends but I’ve never felt a pull like this before. I feel powerless and I feel like my rational is about to disappear.
Everything seems to be happening in slow motion; like one of those scenes in a love movie. I try to shake that thought away but it’s already there now.
Lawson is wearing jeans. I’ve never seen him in jeans before. He is always wearing a suit. He’s wearing a white dress shirt and the sleeves are folded up slightly over his arms. He must be cold. I shiver. I don’t know whether it’s that thought or the sight of him. I don’t feel cold so I think it is the latter.
I wonder where he’s been and why he’s here. I’m glad he’s here. I can stand and watch him from a safe distance for the rest of the night or for however long he stays here and appreciate the sight. My evening has improved drastically.
Lawson looks directly at me. He’s not giving anything away. His face is blank and almost as though he doesn’t even know me. I don’t dwell on it. I don’t have time to dwell on it. He’s already in front of me.
His face breaks out into a smile as he stands across from me at the bar. I love that smile. I want to see it more often.
‘Avery good evening,’ he says cordially. I smile back at him not quite trusting my words.
I have to do better than last time. I cannot mindlessly stare at him when I’m expected to converse.
‘Could I have a pint of peroni please?’ he adds ever so politely.
‘Sure,’ I manage to get the word out.
He never drinks a pint. He always orders in the restaurant but I’ve been attentive and I know he always orders a whiskey or a soft drink. This is a first. This is another first. I better make his drink.
I turn to grab a pint glass when I notice Ted standing behind me with a face like thunder. His arms are crossed defensively. An odd thought occurs to me and his stance almost seems as though he is trying to protect me.
‘Good evening Ted,’ I hear Lawson greet him.
Ted doesn’t look like he is going to reply. I wonder where all of the hostility has come from. It’s so not like Ted.
‘Good evening,’ he utters like he really doesn’t want to. The anger radiating off him is palpable.
I pour and hand over the drink. Lawson gives me the necessary money and I put it in the till. I’m focusing on all the small details. I need to focus on all the small details to ensure I don’t make a fool of myself.
‘Would you like a drink?’ Lawson asks.
I’m not sure whether I am more startled that he’s asked me if I want a drink or the fact that he’s sat down on one of the bar stools in front of us. I’m most certainly not going to be ogling at a safe distance. My heart is still stammering away.
‘No thank you.’ I’m pleased I’ve managed to get a full sentence out without tripping up. ‘Probably shouldn’t while working,’ I add not wanting to sound ungrateful.
‘Ted?’ Lawson looks to Ted and I find myself doing the same. His stance has not changed one bit.
‘No,’ he replies simply as if he cannot put up with the pleasantries any longer.
I frown at Ted. What is his problem? Do they know one another? I know obviously they do from the bar but I feel as though there is something vital I am missing. I think I’m going to ask Ted when we’re on our own next. I feel awkward. I feel almost as if I am walking on eggshells. Ted seems to be ready to explode and I don’t know how to diffuse the situation.
Lawson sits back on his stool and takes a pull from his pint. He doesn’t seem to pick up on the tension. If anything Lawson seems to be totally at ease. I look from Lawson to Ted and back again. I don’t know what to do with myself. I fold my arms nervously across my chest. I thought Lawson arriving would be the highlight of my evening but this feels too intense.
‘Avery I’m going,’ Ted states still not taking his eyes off Lawson.
‘Sorry?’ I ask even though I heard him clearly.
‘I said I’m going. It’s quiet and I have a date so I’m going to take off early,’ he adds and finally looks at me. He still looks furious.
‘Okay,’ I reply cautiously. This is another first. Ted has never taken off early before.
‘Sam’s in the restaurant if you need any help.’ His eyes flicker to Lawson’s momentarily. ‘But I can’t see it getting any busier,’ he adds as he returns his attention to me.
‘Okay... have a good evening I guess.’ I don’t know what else to say.
Ted gives me a small smile which doesn’t reach his eyes before he leaves. I’ve been left alone with Lawson and the thought thrills me. I don’t ponder Ted’s motivations any further as he disappears. I realise I have to converse and appear somewhat normal to Lawson now. What the hell am I going to do?
I form a defence stance. I notice and understand this but I don’t want to change it. I need to act cool and as if I am totally unaffected by him. I stand further away from the bar than I normally would and I turn so I’m not really facing him. This is not what I’d wanted. I wanted to ogle at a safe distance but it’s not going to work.
I ponder what to do next. There’s not a lot to do. How do I look busy when I am not? I contemplate whether I should clean the optics or the bar top. The fridges are already full. I frown as I concentrate. Why couldn’t he have sat in the restaurant like normal? I guess we will stop serving food soon. I wonder why he is here so late. He always arrives around the same time and he is never alone. This feels like it is a social call rather than the other times when it feels work orientated.
‘Are you okay?’ Lawson pulls me out of my thoughts and I turn to face him. He looks amused. What the hell have I done so funny? I don’t want to contemplate it.
‘Yeah, why?’ I ask brightly; too brightly. I sound fake.
‘You seem a little... tense,’ he replies as places his pint glass towards his lips. I watch mesmerised as he takes a sip. I’m such a fool.
‘Long night,’ I eventually manage to get out.
‘Is it normally this quiet in the evening?’ he asks as he glances around.
‘No... Herbert is having a surprise birthday party at Landels,’ I reply awkwardly.
‘Who’s Herbert?’ he asks curiously.
‘A regular,’ I reply. ‘His wife thought he might cotton on to something going on if it was held here,’ I find myself explaining.
I don’t know why but I feel more relaxed. We spend the next hour chatting but I feel more at ease the more I talk to him. It feels normal. He is normal. What a revelation. I don’t know what I had expected up until now. We don’t chat about anything deep and meaningful but then again why would we?
It’s not like we have swapped life stories or anything but I do know a bit more about him. He’s in advertising and it is his clients he brings in here on occasion. He doesn’t elaborate but I get the impression he is good at what he does.
The part I found hard to stomach but also got some comfort from is the fact that he adores his wife. I kind of tensed up when he first mentioned her but it was stupid. It was unnecessary and if anything it’s helped to push Lawson into the friend zone; not that we had bee
n heading anywhere else. My mind would wander involuntarily at the fantasy of him. I’m glad the fantasy and reality are different.
Lawson and his wife have been married for six years. Every time he mentioned her name there was a smile on his face I wished was reserved for me. He’s a good guy. He’s a great guy and I’m glad I got to know him a little better. I feel like the next time he comes in I won’t feel all flustered and unsure of myself. He’s Lawson. He’s married Lawson who is devoted to his wife.
The knot in the pit of my stomach is telling me I’m jealous but it’s fine. I’m jealous of the idea of him. I’m sure the more I get to know him the more boring he will become. I actually don’t want to speak to him again because of that. The sooner I can get over the little crush the better and that’s all it really is; a stupid crush.
Lawson is hot and commands attention even when he isn’t trying. I’m drawn to him but he’s not to me. It’s a good thing. It’s an extremely good thing. He’s become a real person in my eyes. I know that might sound stupid but it’s not; not for me anyway.
The evening disappears. After his first pint Lawson switched to soft drinks. I wonder briefly why he lingers here if he has such a perfect wife at home. I try to rid myself of the catty thought. There could be any number of reasons why he is here. She might not even be at home. She could be away and he didn’t want to sit in the house on his own. I think it’s the most likely reason.
I’d like to think I held my own this evening. I don’t think I have done anything stupid and I don’t feel like I’ve been tripping over my words. It’s been nice getting to know him. I don’t want to admit that the reality is actually far better than the fantasy but that’s okay because he is married and so far out of bounds. I’m sure I won’t even notice how extremely sexy he is before long.
As we close Lawson asks whether he should wait to see me to my car. I melt a little at the gesture even though I know he only offered to make sure I got to my car safe at this time of night. I know he probably would have done the same for anyone else. Now I know him a little better I feel like I am safe making that kind of judgement about him.
I decline his offer. Sam has been hovering about in the kitchen even though he could have finished about an hour ago. I assume he’s lingering to make sure I lock up and everything is okay. He wishes me a goodnight before he leaves. He doesn’t linger and he doesn’t look back. Of course he wouldn’t. He came in for a drink and I think some company. I am totally guessing but I don’t think his wife was at home this evening. The way he smiled every time he mentioned her made me swoon. I wish someone loved me like that.
I think about Darius. He loves me. I know he loves me but he doesn’t love me like that and if I’m being honest with myself I don’t love him like that either.
I clean up the bar extra fast. I don’t want to hover around here any longer than I have to. Sam offers to help and I accept. It’s not that I can’t do it on my own but we are both well aware that if two of us do it then we will be out of here quicker. I am so grateful Sam did stick around.
I think back to Ted. His behaviour was so odd. He’s never left work before the end of a shift. I’m really struggling to believe he would leave for a date. He goes out with women all of the time but they are never a priority. I know that might sound harsh but he would be the first to agree. Maybe he really likes this one. I contemplate this as I make my way to my car and say my goodbyes to Sam. I’m going to grill him the next time I see him. This girl must be pretty special and I want to know everything about the woman who has captured his attention.
I have a bath when I get in. I hate having the bar smell cling to me. It wasn’t particularly busy this evening but I do it out of force of habit. My mind wanders back to Darius. I don’t feel like I am being fair to him. I don’t see us with a future and even though I was prepared to wait and see if that would change, I don’t think I can any more. The very fact that I am lusting after another man should have been enough to make me realise. I’ve been lying to myself. I love Darius but not enough. I shouldn’t feel like there is something missing from our relationship and I shouldn’t feel content to plod along.
I sink deeper into the bath. I will not think of Lawson. I will not think about the way he makes me feel and how different it is with Darius. It’s crazy to compare because he’s unattainable. He’s off the market. I know it’s a stupid crush and I know I will get over it but it doesn’t change the fact that my relationship with Darius has come to a natural end. Lawson has nothing to do with the decision; not directly any way.
As I climb into bed the ever so familiar knot forms in my belly; all I have to do now is tell Darius. I hate this part but I know Darius won’t be heartbroken. We fell into a relationship because it was convenient. Half of the time I don’t even feel like he’s bothered. I go to sleep thinking everything is going to be okay. All my anxiety and stress will dissipate as soon as I’ve spoken to Darius.
Chapter 5
I had a restless evening. I knew what I had to do. I had made the decision but the decision weighed heavy on me. I don’t think Darius will take it badly. I think we’ve falling into a routine but I don’t think he’ll be happy the routine has been disrupted. I don’t want to play down how he feels but our relationship has changed and I know I’m not the only one who must feel this way. We used to be affectionate with each other; we couldn’t wait to see each other. I don’t think that should disappear over the course of a year.
I think after the initial shock he will be fine. I don’t think he’s going to be heartbroken. The perfect woman for him is out there somewhere and I’m not her. While we’re together we are never going to find it.
I know I’ve made the right decision but I hate the next part. Call me a coward if you like but I hate breaking up with people. I feel confident that Darius won’t be devastated but there’s that small part of me telling me what if. I’m trying my best not to listen but it keeps persisting.
I called Darius first thing. I don’t normally. He sounded surprised when I called but he didn’t say anything. I arranged to see him after he’s finished work. I’m not working this evening so it seemed like the right time to do it. I don’t see the point in prolonging it when I have made my decision. We agree to meet over his. It’s not unusual. The majority of the time we meet it is over at his place. His place is bigger and nicer so it makes sense.
I feel uneasy and on edge for the entire day. My concentration wavers in my lectures and I feel marginally better that at least I will be able to focus more with my assignments when I don’t also have to fit in a boyfriend. It sounds harsh but I have to keep focusing on the positives.
As the day draws on I start to second guess whether I am making the right decision. This is the reason why I wanted to do it straight away. I don’t want to second guess because it could very well be a mistake but my gut is telling me it’s not. I shouldn’t have any type of feelings for anyone else when I’m in a relationship. I know I’m only lusting after Lawson but it doesn’t feel right. The way I feel around Lawson is telling me something is missing with Darius. I can’t ignore this feeling; it wouldn’t be fair on either of us.
I feel the trepidation build as I near the end of the day. I had one thing to do all day and I won’t be at ease until I have accomplished it. I could have done it over the phone this morning but I’m not that low. Darius deserves a proper conversation. This needs to be done right.
I knock on the door. My palms are sweaty. Why am I so nervous? It’s a stupid question and needs no answer. I’m nervous because I feel guilty. I feel guilty I’m ending it. We haven’t argued. Nothing has happened but I’m ending our relationship. I really am hoping he’s going to take this well.
Darius opens the door with a beaming smile. I swallow nervously. This is going to be every bit as difficult as I thought it was going to be.
‘Next time you can use your key,’ he tells me as he opens the door wide for me to enter.
I don’t have the intention of com
ing back Darius. The words are on the tip of my tongue but don’t make it out. I have to choose my words carefully.
‘Glass of wine?’ he asks when we move into his living room.
‘No thanks,’ I reply hesitantly.
I sit down on his sofa. I love his sofa. It’s big and it’s comfortable and I always feel as though I could fall straight asleep on it. I do not want to fall asleep right now. I’m sitting but now I don’t know whether I should be standing. I don’t want to make myself comfortable. You’d think by now I would have this down but I hate breaking up with people. It feels so awkward which in turn makes me feel awkward. How do you say to someone you once loved that you don’t want to see them again? It feels harsh. It can be brutal and I’m freaking myself out before I do the deed. This will not help.
‘Are you okay Av? You’re really quiet...’ Darius trails off as he scrutinises me.
This is my opportunity to start the dreaded conversation. ‘I’m fine,’ I croak out totally making this harder than it needs to be.
I notice Darius is wearing his faded blue jeans he more or less lives in when he’s not at work and a black t-shirt I bought him some time ago. He pushes his mousy brown hair out of his eyes and I muse that something seems different. It takes me a minute but I notice his phone is not in his hand. I glance around the room and its resting on his coffee table. I also notice what is replacing the phone which is normally in his hand; a key. He’s giving me his front door key like only a few days ago we agreed to do.
Darius walks over to me. His frown has disappeared and he’s holding his hand out with the key. I don’t want it. I really don’t want it. I have the feeling I might take it. I don’t know why but I feel like I might bottle out of the whole break up.
Lawson enters my brain. I shouldn’t be thinking about him right now. I shouldn’t be thinking about him full stop but maybe that’s what I need to get through this. This is why I’m doing it. I’m attracted to someone else. I’m feeling things for someone I shouldn’t be and I’m doing Darius a disservice by staying with him. He deserves better than that.