by Emma Evans
I try to reassure Hannah but in all honestly I don’t know Jess all that well and she could do it. It would be breaking girl code but that’s not to say it won’t happen. Jess does actually look a little cosy there. Actually she looks like she’s flirting her ass off but if that’s who Luke wants to go for then it will be his loss.
Hannah looks at me sceptically. Before I contemplate what I am doing I am grabbing Hannah by the hand and in a direction I think is going to cause trouble. I’m not trying to cause trouble but we have to let them know we are leaving anyway. I know what Hannah said but I think I am the only reason she is standing up straight.
‘Where are we going?’ Hannah asks although she knows the answer to her question.
As we reach the group I notice Nadine is nowhere to be seen. Everyone says their hellos but I am firmly with the goodbyes. Luke’s attention is on Hannah as soon as we arrive. He’s at her side talking to her and I see the disappointment all over Jess’s face. She was totally going to break girl code.
Hannah and Luke chat but I can’t hear what they are saying. I’m surprised they can hear what the other is saying. It seems to be louder down this end.
‘I’m going to take Hannah home,’ Luke tells me which almost frightens me to death. I wasn’t expecting it.
I shake my head. ‘No need. I’m going to take her,’ I reassure him.
‘She seems pretty out of it. I couldn’t get a proper sentence out of her. I’d like to make sure she gets home okay,’ he persists.
‘I’ll make sure she gets home okay,’ I reply. I know he wants to make a good impression and he can come with us if he really wants to but I am not leaving her alone.
Luke looks like he wants to protest further and I am about to tell him that he has plenty of time to play the knight in shining armour but he backs down. He doesn’t look happy about it but he has backed down. I’m not sure why I was so insistent. He clearly looks a lot more sober than me or Hannah so maybe I should have let him come.
‘You can come if you want but I want to make sure she gets home safe too,’ I relent.
Luke seems to think about it for a minute. ‘Will you see her through the door?’ he asks.
‘I’ll make sure she’s in bed before I leave with plenty of fluids.’ In a glass of course I think as an afterthought. I really need to get home now.
Luke eventually lets us leave and our goodbyes with the girls are a lot briefer. They don’t actually seem to care. I wonder succinctly what they would have done if I hadn’t been here tonight. Would they have left Hannah to make her own way home? It doesn’t seem right. They’re meant to be friends but I’m starting to see that they clearly care about having a good time over everything else. I don’t see Nadine so I type her a message to let her know we have gone. She might have left herself but I think it’s only the polite thing to do.
The easy part was getting Hannah out of the bar. As soon as the cold air hits her she loses her balance. She hits the ground before I can do anything about it. Hannah is dead weight and I don’t know whether the knock to the ground did something to her because she is back on her feet before I can blink.
‘How embarrassing... Do you think anyone saw?’ she asks as she tries to look around. I say try because she sways again but this time I’m ready and I manage to steady her.
‘No, of course not,’ I try to reassure her.
I have no idea whether there are many people about or not but I’m not about to advertise that fact. I have one goal and that’s to get us home as soon as possible.
‘We need chips and curry and a kebab...’ Hannah trails off.
‘Why don’t we get a taxi?’ I suggest. I know there’s a taxi rank around the corner.
‘I want food,’ she persists.
Hannah sways again but this time grips a hold of me. I don’t think food is going to help. I think food is going to make matters a lot worse but I refrain from saying so. It’s pretty clear Hannah has made her mind up. I really hope she is not sick in the taxi. The taxi drivers generally refuse to take you home after that. I’m not speaking from experience of course.
I glance around and there are a few fast food places around here. I don’t ask Hannah which one she would prefer. I direct us to the closest one. When we get inside she reels off a food order which could easily feed three. She’s barely going to touch the food.
Hannah tucks into her curry and chips while we wait for the rest of her food order. I’ve sat her down at a table and she looks too comfortable; like there is no way I am going to be able to get her to move again. As long as she doesn’t fall asleep on me we’ll be okay.
I feel exhausted and I feel a little foolish. I’m pretending like I’m okay but I only seem okay next to Hannah. I feel guilty she’s in such a mess. I wonder whether this is a normal night out for her. I hope not. Her so called friends really didn’t seem bothered.
I’m shocked that Hannah finishes her first course and seems okay. The rest of her food order is put in a bag and we are on our way.
‘How are you feeling?’ I ask as we get outside without incident.
‘Better,’ she replies. ‘I don’t think I’m going to make it into Uni tomorrow though. At least I have enough junk food to get me through the day,’ she adds as she sways the bag of food.
So all of the food isn’t for tonight; that makes sense.
‘That’s if I can stomach food... I think I might be a little drunk.’
I have to agree with her but I am certainly in no state to judge. I’m freezing. My feet are killing and my head is thumping. I’ve got that stupid ringing in my ears from the loud music in the bar. I should enjoy the buzz but I feel like I’ve over-indulged slightly. I know I’ve indulged slightly because I have the urge to make a stop on my way home to see how Darius is which is a highly preposterous thing to do but the thought is still there.
We take our time to the taxi rank. I don’t want us to fall. Hannah is clutching onto me for dear life so if one of us go down, we are both going down. I really don’t want us both to fall down.
‘Not much further now,’ I tell Hannah. I don’t know out of the two of us who I am trying to reassure.
The taxi rank is further than I remember. I know I am going the right way. It’s actually kind of dangerous. It’s dark. We’re both hammered, walking on our own along a dark street. What could happen? I shudder at the thought. We’re nearly there.
‘Avery.’
The words send goose bumps through me, although I could just be cold. I am cold but the shiver seemed to come from another place. I turn carefully so Hannah and I move in unison. I know the voice. Even through my drunken haze I know who it is and I’m so excited I might end up dropping Hannah. I need to regain my composure and whatever I do, I cannot say anything stupid. My stomach drops. I feel excited and nervous and I can’t wait to see his stunning face.
Oh my... Lawson looks hot, so unbelievably hot I don’t know where to start. He has a white t-shirt on which is fitted snugly and shows off defined muscles I imagined but never knew he had. The t-shirt is paired with some black shorts which seem to hang off his hips. He must be freezing. He can’t be freezing because he is so damn hot. There’s sweat dripping from him and I have the urge to go across and lick each and every drop. It’s gross but the thought is there none the less. I want to run and jump into his arms. I blame my drunkenness for this. My thoughts are purely innocent when I am sober; well almost innocent anyway. A girl can look or in my case a girl can stare and admire the view. It’s such a fine view. I feel like I’ve missed him which is stupid because I hardly know him really but I do. I feel at ease. I continue to gawk at him and realise I haven’t said a word.
‘Wow,’ Hannah mutters under her breath. She’s admiring the view too.
We can’t just stare at him. I need to say something, anything right now would be better than nothing.
‘Lawson,’ I say to him and I’m aware my voice has come out all husky.
‘You know him?’ Hannah utter
s under her breath again.
‘Don’t you have coats? You’re going to get soaked,’ he tells us with a frown as he looks us up and down. He’s not doing it in a leachy way; it’s almost in disapproval.
I take in his words and I take a better look at him. He’s not dripping in sweat but droplets of rain. I don’t feel foolish because the look on him is hot. Every look on him is hot. My hormones are racing and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. I need to make our excuses to leave before I make a idiot of myself. It’s not a possibility; it’s a certainty.
‘No,’ I reply simply.
I need to do better than this. I need to leave. I only have to say goodnight and be on my merry way. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay and chat but the sensible part of my brain is telling me to move. I know I should listen to this part. I know I should and I will as soon as my feet start to work again. They don’t seem to want to go anywhere.
Lawson is still frowning. I want to kiss away the frown. His gaze feels intense. I know this is imaginary all on my part. He’s probably thinking how pathetic it is a woman of my age getting into such a mess. I need to get out of here.
‘What are you doing here?’ I find myself asking.
I shouldn’t be asking questions. I should be making my exit. Lawson folds his arms across his chest which flexes his muscles; muscles I have yet to discover. He’s so defined and fit and lives perfectly up to the expectations I had in my head. Damn!
‘I couldn’t sleep so I had a late workout,’ he explains. ‘Look, I don’t like the thought of you both standing around here in the dark. I’ll give you a lift home.’
The air leaves me. I should say no. There’s no way I can sit in such close proximity to him. My hormones have gone into over-drive between the alcohol and his attire. I’m about to utter my refusal when he cuts me off.
‘I’m not taking no for answer. It’s not safe.’ He sounds resolute and I seriously doubt I will get my way.
‘Where’s your car?’ I ask instead. If we have to walk far then we might as well jump in a taxi because the taxi rank is literally around the corner. I will fight him on this.
Lawson points to the car right beside us. Damn! I’m not going to make my escape. I think furiously for a few seconds. I’m drawing a blank. Maybe that’s what I should do in the car; remain quiet. It’s not a long drive home.
‘My feet are killing me,’ Hannah moans as she slumps over me further. She’s starting to feel like dead weight.
Lawson holds the car door open before he helps me put Hannah in the back seat. I guess I’m sitting up front. I’m about to politely tell him he has a nice car but then remember myself. I’m not meant to be talking. It would have been a guess anyway. I can tell the car is black and it’s sleek but that’s about it. It’s too dark and I am too drunk to take in the make and model.
Lawson drives to Hannah’s after I have given him the address and I feel like I have won a little victory. We have remained in silence. Well almost silence as Hannah has been snoring softy for the last ten minutes.
As we pull up to her house and try to take her inside I am sincerely grateful Lawson did stumble upon us. I don’t think I would have gotten Hannah out of the taxi let alone into her house. We stand outside for forever trying to locate her keys and I almost jump out of my skin when the front door opens all by itself.
I jump back in shock. Lawson’s reflexes are good as he holds onto Hannah.
‘What are you like Han?’ Hannah’s housemate rolls her eyes as she takes in the scene. She doesn’t look surprised which is telling me this is a regular occurrence.
I remember Hannah telling me when we first started university that she was tired of living at home but it was too late to move into the halls of residence. She ended up moving in with some third year students. I can’t remember how many people live here and for the life of me I can’t remember the name of the girl standing in front of us. Have I met her? I’m finding it difficult to recollect.
‘I’ve got it from here,’ she adds as she untangles Hannah from Lawson.
She handles Hannah with ease so I’m guessing it’s not the first time she has had to help her. I still feel so guilty she’s in this mess. Maybe she wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t drunk the wine.
‘Thanks,’ she adds before she closes the door. I was about to utter an apology which is now stuck on my tongue.
I can feel Lawson looking at me as we make our way back to the car but I remain silent. Now Hannah has left I feel a little unsteady myself. I’d been concentrating so much on making sure Hannah was okay I had forgotten what a state I had gotten myself in.
I take extra care as we walk to the car so I don’t fall. I’m trying to do it subtly so Lawson doesn’t realise what I am doing.
‘Are we going to sit in silence for the whole journey?’ Lawson asks a few minutes into our drive.
I shrug my shoulders rather childishly. ‘Conversation is a two way thing.’ I find myself saying.
Why did I say that? I should have said I was tired and he would have left me alone. I’ve more or less invited a conversation. I’ll just have to keep to one worded answers. I can feel Lawson’s gaze on me again and it’s making me feel entirely uncomfortable.
‘Did you have a good evening?’ he asks.
‘It was fine,’ I reply. It’s not really a one worded answer but it was still pretty closed off.
I try to peer outside to see how far we have left but it’s too dark. We can’t be much further.
‘Why haven’t you been at the bar?’ I ask.
Why the hell did I ask that? I want to know. I want to know all about him but it’s not my place to ask. I’m just a waitress he’s spoken to a few times. We’re practically strangers. The thought leaves me feeling hollow. It’s safer than the other feeling I have around him.
‘I’ve been busy,’ Lawson eventually answers.
I don’t know why but I get the feeling he is lying but I’m not going to push it any further. It feels tense in the car and I don’t know why. Well I know why I feel tense; maybe he’s reacting to the way I’m behaving.
We sit in silence and then we eventually pull up outside my flat. Our time is up. I know I wanted away from him but I also don’t want to get out of this car either. I feel totally irrational around him, my thoughts cloud and it’s not from the alcohol. At least I don’t think it’s from the alcohol. I’ve missed him. I’ve missed our chats and now we’re going to part ways and go back to being relative strangers again. I’ll watch the door in work and wonder each time whether it will be him. I’m pathetic.
Lawson is staring at me. Why is he staring at me? He’s looking at me as though he has heard every word I’ve said. I most definitely did not say that out loud. I didn’t. It was all in my head. Why is he looking at me like that then? He looks almost awkward; like he doesn’t know what to say.
I feel the colour draining from my face. I’m sick and tired of making an idiot of myself in front of this man. I unbuckle my seatbelt as my temper flares.
‘Look I was doing just fine watching you from afar. You were a fantasy. You weren’t real and I was perfectly happy in my own little world admiring the view... But you had to start talking to me didn’t you? You had to be charming and funny and you became real. I really wish you hadn’t become real Lawson. You’re in my head. I can’t get you out and it’s driving me crazy.’
I get all the words out in a rush. I give him a second, only a second but I get nothing back. I’m raging. I’m sick of it all. I don’t know what it all is but I’m sick of it.
I jump out of his car and he has the good sense not to follow me. He does however sit and wait for me to get into my flat. I go straight to my window after I get in and watch as he eventually leaves.
My blood feels like it is pumping violently around my body. I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or the alcohol. I don’t care either way. I’m livid. I’m angry I keep pining after something I can’t have. I want him. I want him so much. I kn
ow there’s no possibility, my brain knows this but my body refuses to catch up.
I flop down on my bed still fully dressed. I feel like a teenager with a stupid crush. I’m so, so stupid. I close my eyes and he is there. He’s everywhere. Lawson Ace is not mine. It’s the last thought I have before I slip into a dreamless sleep.
Chapter 7
I can’t describe the feeling. It feels too damn good. His kisses are setting my skin alight with each and every touch. I want more; I want far more and I know he is going to give it to me. I don’t think. I don’t want to think. This is physical and I can’t get enough of him. His lips brush across my neck. It’s only a whisper of a kiss but it has the desired effect. I can’t get enough of him. There’s a feeling I’m trying to push back. It has no place here. This is about us alone and finally being able to touch one another.
How I’ve longed to touch him. I’m clinging onto him as though he might disappear at any second. He’s not getting away now. I won’t let him. The need I have for him is so intense. I can’t make sense of it. I don’t want to make sense of it. I need to give into the way he is making me feel entirely. I’ve waited so long; too long. He has me right where he wants me. It should scare the hell out of me but the feeling only intensifies. He kisses my shoulder. Those kisses are so addictive. I don’t know how I ever did without them. I know without doubt I have never experienced passion like this before. My need for him is overwhelming.
I feel like one of those bad metaphors. I’m like a moth to the flame. I’m very well aware of what I am doing but I will not stop. He is danger; I knew it from the moment I first laid eyes on him. He’s different. The way I feel about him is different. His kisses stop abruptly. I want to protest but the words are lost on me when he fixes those deep blue eyes on me. I’m lost. I’m so out of my depth.
It hits me then. I can’t keep the feeling back any longer. Guilt engulfs me as my eyes make their way down to his hand as if the ring I know is going to be there will magically disappear. Of course it doesn’t disappear. I can’t tear my eyes away from the offending item. The feeling almost chokes me. This isn’t right. What we are doing is so not right. I hesitate. The world stands still. I know what I have to do. I lean forward and bring his lips back to mine. He is mine.