by Emma Evans
Chloe sits back on the sofa as she assesses me. It’s unnerving. ‘Hasina wanted to come over later. We were going to come together but I couldn’t wait and she’s working until this evening,’ she tells me.
I feel loads better knowing how much worse it could have been tag teamed. They never understand. I feel the resentment building. I know they are only doing it because they care but sometimes it would be nice to have some moral support.
‘I guess I dodged a bullet then,’ I say a little sarcastically. I couldn’t help it.
Chloe’s face softens as her frustration disappears. ‘We’re only concerned about you Av. It’s like you’re holding out for this perfect happy ever after and you end things with a guy when they don’t live up to those expectations. No life and no relationship is perfect,’ she says gently.
The words might have been said gently but they hurt. Is that what they really think of me?
‘I’m not holding out for the perfect life... but I’m also not going to settle down just because I’ve hit a certain age and I’m expected to settle down. I want to be with someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I don’t think that’s too much to expect,’ I reply feeling a little tired of the whole conversation.
‘Okay,’ Chloe replies with a smile which isn’t quite her normal standard. She wants to say more but knows she shouldn’t. I bet she does wish she waited for Hasina now.
‘What is it?’ I ask. I can clearly see she’s itching to say something else.
‘Well... I think maybe you should talk to Darius...’
‘I don’t think...’
‘I don’t mean to work things out; not if you don’t want to anyway but he seemed upset. He was hiding it well but after a while you could see it. Maybe you both need another conversation,’ she explains.
I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He text me today and it’s clear it was the result of bumping into Chloe yesterday but what would I say?
‘I’ll think about it.’ I don’t say the words to get her off my back. I will think about it. My brain is still too cloudy to think things through properly right now.
The rest of my time with Chloe is a lot less intense. She drops the subject of my love life and I listen intently as she regales the latest saga with her mother-in-law. Chloe is frustrated period. She’s frustrated with life and itching for the baby to arrive. She only has a few weeks left but I don’t think Chloe knows how to sit around idle. I tell her again that she can come over any time she wants. It wasn’t long ago when that would have been a given and I wouldn’t have needed to reiterate my point but our lives have gone in different directions for the last few years. I hope she takes me up on my offer. I love her dearly and I miss her and Hasina more than I would like to admit.
Before Chloe leaves she warns me that Hasina might still call over as she was as pissed as Chloe was. I had contemplated calling in sick from work tonight but this little bit of knowledge has me sold on the idea of going in. I don’t need two lectures in one day; although saying that maybe it would be easier to get it all out of the way. I should call around to see Hasina and my mother on the same day and be done with it. The thought doesn’t appeal to me like putting it off as long as possible does.
I want the day to be over with. I very reluctantly get myself ready for work and I make sure I am out of the flat by the time Hasina finishes work. I suspect that Hasina will contact Chloe to find out what happened but I am not taking any chances that she won’t still call around.
Against my better judgement I text Darius once I pull up in the car park at work. I tell him I’m fine and ask politely how he is. I’m not sure whether it was the best question to ask or not but it is too late now anyway. I hope he is okay and Chloe has completely mis-read the situation. He seemed fine when we broke up. It really didn’t seem as though he was putting on a front for me. I put him to the back of my mind as I enter the premises. I really don’t want to be here tonight.
I step through the doors with trepidation. Why do I feel this way? I discard my handbag and as I reach the bar it hits me. I wish I could go back a moment in time and have never remembered. I guess if I am making a wish then I wish I had never said those words to Lawson. What was I thinking? I told him he was in my head and I couldn’t get him out. Colour floods my face. What the fuck have I done? I crossed a line. I more or less told him how I felt. I should quit my job. I should walk into the office and do it now because there is no way I can face him again. I remember the look on his face. He looked horrified. What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m on edge for the entire evening and I watch the door each and every time someone comes in. I remember I used to watch the door for an entirely different reason. I don’t want him to walk through the door now. I can’t face the shame. I want to use the excuses that I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was saying but it doesn’t make a difference as I was stating how I was feeling. I don’t feel anything but relief when he doesn’t come in. I want this all to be forgotten.
A few days have passed and whereas I was relieved Lawson had not made an appearance before, now I have a totally different attitude. I miss him. I sound so pathetic. I’m very well aware of how pathetic I sound but I’m still unable to help it. He’s spared me my embarrassment by staying away but I feel far from lucky.
I want to see him but I don’t want to see him. I spend hours thinking of him and how it will go when we see one another. I need to snap out of this. I’m attracted to him and we’ve spoken a few times. That’s it. He hasn’t shown even the slightest hint at anything more. I don’t want anything more. I know where my morals lie. He’s unattainable. I only want to go back to what we had before. If I want to be blunt I can call it a professional relationship. Lawson came into the bar and I served him and we would chat. There’s this other part of me which wants to believe it was more than that and we were connecting. I’m ignoring that part. It’s illogical and stupid and he was clearly only being polite.
The days drag on. The longer he leaves it to come into the bar the more my apprehension grows. The weight of it is too heavy. I guess if he never comes in again I will get over it but there’s this small part of me telling me this isn’t it. He will be back. I guess only time will tell.
Ted is telling me about some gig he has been to. I’m only half paying attention. I can’t seem to focus. I seem to be nodding and muttering in all the right places which is a relief. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. I hope so.
I serve a customer. It’s been pretty busy so far but the last half an hour has slowed down somewhat. Ted calls my name after I have served the customer but something stops me from looking; someone stops me from looking. I hadn’t noticed him come in and he is already at the bar. He looks delicious. He’s wearing a grey pinstriped suit and a light blue shirt. The colour of his shirt brings out the shade in his eyes even more than normal. I lick my lips. My mind draws a complete blank as he stands in front of me.
I look at Ted out of nervousness. What if Lawson wants to mention what had happened in front of him? It’s no better than I deserve but I think I might die of embarrassment. Ted is giving Lawson that look again. I don’t have time to ponder it further as Lawson finally utters some words.
‘Can we have a word?’
His head moves to indicate he would like to talk the opposite side of the bar close to where the dishwasher resides. I readily agree mainly because I want to get this over with.
‘Look I’ve been going over and over this in my head for days and it doesn’t matter which way I put it the outcome is going to be the same,’ he starts.
Lawson trails off as if he is making sure I am listening. Of course I am listening. I know where this is going because I too have replayed this over and over in my head and each and every time it goes the way Lawson is about to describe.
I decide to stay silent. I could try to rush him and apologise and stop my humiliation from going any further but I decide to let him get his words out. He needs to say them and I need to lis
ten.
‘I like you...’ he blurts out.
Lawson fixes those eyes on me and for a second I ignore the tone in which the words were uttered and go into fantasy land. I shake my head minutely. Don’t go there.
‘... I like you as a friend Avery. I feel like we bonded over the last few weeks... and I thought you understood it was friendship...’
Lawson runs one of his hands through his hair out of frustration. He’s finding it difficult to say the words and I am certainly finding it difficult to listen to them. Lawson looks down to the ground before he looks back at me. He’s about to deliver the killer blow.
‘I’m married Avery and you need to respect that,’ he adds with almost regret in his voice. I’m not being delusional. His regret is not from wanting any more with me; it’s regret he’s had to have this conversation with me in the first place.
I seem to come back to life. He’s trailed off again but this time I think it means he is done.
‘I am so, so sorry,’ I start.
I shift nervously on my feet as I too look down to the ground. I realise he needs the apology face to face. I’m so mortified but I need to do this right.
‘I don’t even have any words to describe how inappropriate I had been that night. I was drunk... but I know it’s no excuse. If you don’t ever want to talk to me then I will totally understand that. I don’t know where it all came from. I would love it if we could forget it ever happened.’ I say the words with meaning.
I’d been so foolish and know I would never have uttered anything like that if I hadn’t been intoxicated. It’s an excuse but I know I wouldn’t have said anything. It was a stupid crush on my part.
Lawson studies me as if he is trying to decipher whether to believe my words or not. I really hope he does. I look at Ted out of the corner of my eye and he is gaze is fixed intently on us. I’m making a scene for Lawson when he has done nothing wrong. This needs to end now.
‘I think that’s for the best,’ he says without any emotion.
I don’t know what he’s saying is for the best. Does he not want to speak to me ever again or did he mean forgetting the whole thing happened? He could have meant both. The thought crushes me a little but it would be for the best. Life was so much easier when I used to admire him from afar.
‘Great,’ I reply with as much enthusiasm as I can manage.
I won’t ask him to clarify what he meant; it would be pointless. I give him a small smile and return to the other end of the bar without looking back. He doesn’t stay for a drink which I immensely appreciate. I wonder when he walks out of the door whether it will be the last time I ever see him. The sensible part of me is telling me it’s for the best and fortunately I think the sensible part of me is going to win. I need to push Lawson Ace from my mind. He’s made his feelings perfectly clear and I respect his decision. I can go on with life as I had before I knew him. It’s easier said than done but I have to try. I have to do more than try. He was my silly crush and the words were vocalised. I can move on now. I have to.
Chapter 8
A few weeks have passed. A few very long and tedious weeks have passed. I’m irritable. Chloe has reached her due date and she is irritable. She calls me incessantly to complain about her in-laws, about Arnie, her next door neighbours. I’m verging on hourly calls and they all tell similar sorts of stories about different people and mainly how they are pissing her off. I sympathise the best I can and in all honesty the distraction has been helpful. I hope the baby makes an appearance soon as I think she is ready to explode at someone. I will endeavour to do everything I can to ensure I am not on the receiving end.
I feel hollow. I feel like I am going through the motions in my life but that’s about it. I’m not going to mention him. I’m not even going to think about him. It would be fruitless and my obsessing is what got me in trouble in the first place.
Life has resumed its normal, mundane self. I have my pattern and it suits me fine. I go to my lectures and I go to work. I repeat the same thing the following day. My routine is boring but it’s safe. I like safe.
He who shall not be named came into the bar a few days after our little chat with some clients. He took a seat in the restaurant and was waited on as usual. He did not make his way over to the bar after the meeting and he certainly did not attempt to converse with me in any way. Our lives have gone back to the way they were before; before the drunken night and before we’d spoken to one another. We’re strangers. We act like we don’t know one another. Actually that’s not really accurate. Saying we acted like we didn’t know one another would imply there was any type of interaction at all which there isn’t. We act as though the other doesn’t exist. It’s easier that way.
I felt apprehensive the first day he came back in and I decided to follow his lead. If he wanted to act like I didn’t exist then I could deal with it. I’m a grown woman and he’s married. He’s made his feelings perfectly clear and I can’t be angry with him for that. He has morals and he is a good person. He’s doing right by his wife and for that I respect him.
I reciprocate like a pro. There are no more longing glances or ogling in his direction. It’s as if there is an invisible wall between us and I have perfected the act down thoroughly. I don’t want to see him so I don’t. I don’t want to relive my blunder over and over so I keep my distance and respect his actions.
I push him out of my thoughts. I rarely think of him at all anymore. I don’t allow any emotions to seep through. They are futile and pointless. My days are long and boring but I have regained my focus. My studies have improved. I’ve done exceptionally well in my last assignment. This is what I need to be doing. I’m focused on creating a better life for myself. I know I can do it.
I get messages every now and again from Darius. He took a while to reply back to my message and I didn’t quite know how to handle it when he did. Darius has been polite and the messages are quite vague. I always reply because I think it would be rude not to. I know Chloe seemed to think he was upset about the whole break-up but that doesn’t seem to be the impression I am getting. He tells me about the different things he is doing; things we never used to do together. He seems happy. I can only make this judgement from the messages he’s sent but he never pushes. He never indicates he’s feeling bad or even to meet. I think we might be getting to the point where we could be friends. I’ve never been friends with any of my ex’s before but I have missed chatting to Darius. It could work. I won’t suggest it. I reply back when he messages and I’ll go from there.
I’ve been in work an hour and I am bored; extremely bored. We haven’t hit any kind of rush as of yet and I’m not sure if we are going to. I prefer it when I am busy and I need something to focus on. I think about pulling the bar apart to clean but it’s too early and I know the boss won’t be pleased if he catches me. I haven’t seen him yet today but that’s not to say he won’t be in. I practically pounce on each and every customer who comes in.
I serve Bob who orders his usual and notice his lady friend is not with him today. He congregates around the other regulars once he has his purchase. A few of the regulars had something to say when they found out he had a girlfriend but on the whole they have been supportive. He’s found someone and deep down that is what he really wanted regardless of how much he used to protest. I’m glad. He seems so much happier now. If Bob can find love then I’m sure there is hope for the rest of us. I shake the thought off. I don’t want to fall in love. I am officially off the market. I am not in the right mind frame for a relationship. I need to stay single and remain focused on my bigger picture. I’m happy with my choice; at least I think I am anyway.
‘Any chance I can serve a customer this evening?’ Ted asks which pulls me away from my thoughts.
I look away from Bob and directly at Ted. His chestnut eyes are dancing with amusement. I feel instantly at ease. I need to ask Ted how he manages to do it. He can literally make anyone smile with the smallest of gestures. I think it is a special talen
t he has. I wish I possessed some of what he has got.
I pretend to think about my answer hard which causes Ted to smile. He has a little dimple on the side of cheek when he smiles. It’s adorable.
‘Well my sole purpose of the evening is to make sure you don’t get to serve anyone, so I would say no,’ I reply deadpan.
Ted’s smile widens. I know what he is thinking; I haven’t been able to laugh and joke in a while. I had become so self absorbed in my own world and I am determined to put that right.
‘I’d say you are doing a good job then.’ He nods his head to agree.
‘Why thank you. I still have to do my very best not to be distracted by your charms,’ I add. I like how easy it is with Ted. We could go on like this all night and we probably will.
‘You find me charming? I may blush,’ he says as he fakes embarrassment.
I shake my head to convey I think he is an idiot as I think of a response. ‘You know you are charming. Stop trying to feign modesty,’ I reply seriously although we both know I am not.
‘Would I dare?’ he asks as though it is a ridiculous notion.
We spend the evening that way. It doesn’t get very busy but I’m glad I have got my partner in crime to get me through it. We bounce off one another and it turns out to be one of the most fun nights I’ve had in a while.
I know when he enters. I always know when he enters even though I will not look his way. I can’t explain it. I get this strange sensation which comes over me and I know he is here. I’m subtle and you’d never guess his entrance had affected me. I look totally oblivious to any bystander. I am glad I have been able to perfect my stance.
I carry on as if nothing has happened. My sentence doesn’t falter and it’s as though the moment has never occurred. I like it this way. Only I know the truth. I shake the feeling away as quickly as it arrives. It’s a distant memory and I don’t think any more of it.