by Jae
Anja wrestled with her pride for a while and then finally nodded. She touched the pen, sliding her fingertips over the silver engravings. She had always admired the simple beauty of this pen, but now she knew it would forever hold a special place in her heart—not just because it was an exquisite writing instrument but also because Susanne had given it to her. “It’s beautiful, and it means the world to me that you remembered our conversation.”
The tension on Susanne’s face eased into a broad smile. “So you like your gift?”
“I love it!” I love you, Anja mentally added but bit back the words, even though she knew they were true. This wasn’t the right time or place. Maybe there would never be a right time for them. “Thank you, Susanne. I…I’m still speechless.”
Susanne leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Thank you for accepting it.”
Anja softly kissed her lips.
“Hey, lovebirds,” Miri called from the other end of the table. “Your food is getting cold.”
Susanne unhurriedly kissed Anja a second time and then heaped rice onto her plate. “You can test out how bendable the pen is as soon as we get home. Just to make sure this one isn’t as stiff as a nail too.”
“I would do that, but…” Anja leaned to the side to whisper in her ear, “Once we get home, I’ll be too busy testing out how bendable you are.”
Susanne stared at her, then went for her water glass as if her mouth had gone dry.
Franzi reached over with her fork and tried a bit of her sister’s food. “It’s not that hot,” she said once she’d chewed and swallowed.
“You have no idea just how hot it is,” Susanne mumbled.
Anja struggled to not burst out laughing.
“All right, people!” Nobby said. “Let’s toast the birthday girl. To Anja!”
Everyone raised their glasses. “To Anja!”
“And to Paper Love.” Anja clinked glasses with Susanne first, looking deeply into her eyes. She knew she would remember this moment, this birthday for the rest of her life.
Chapter 21
Anja arched her hips against Susanne’s mouth and bit onto her fisted hand to hold back a scream as a surge of pleasure ricocheted through her. She collapsed back on the bed, breathing hard, and tried to focus so she could watch Susanne slide up along her body.
“Hey there.” Susanne’s eyes held a deep satisfaction as if she, not Anja, had been the one to come twice in a row. “You okay?”
Anja nodded, still a little dazed. “Ecstatic.”
Susanne chuckled. “Good. Come here.” She spooned against Anja, her front pressed to Anja’s back, their legs tangled intimately. Her hot breath fanned over Anja’s sensitized skin, prolonging the pleasure still rippling through her.
Anja lay with her eyes open, even after Susanne had switched off the light, throwing the bedroom into darkness. The alarm clock clicked over to 00:01. She sent the damn thing a resentful glare. Another day with Susanne had ended, and only nine more were left.
They both seemed to be very aware that their time together would soon be coming to an end. They made love for hours every night, both insatiable, and even at work they searched each other out for a smile, a soft touch, a quick kiss, as if trying to create enough memories to sustain them for a lifetime.
Anja knew it wasn’t working. She would never get enough of her. She didn’t want things between them to end; she just didn’t know how to move forward. Would they be able to make it work long-distance? Would Susanne even want to try?
Susanne always made it clear that she would be leaving right before Easter, but she never talked about her plans for the time afterward in detail. She hadn’t even mentioned any specific job offers, which, now that she thought about it, was a little weird. Anja hadn’t asked about her plans either, preferring to enjoy life on cloud nine for a while longer. The thought of Susanne leaving hurt too much, but Anja knew she couldn’t postpone it any longer. She needed to face it. Just because they would no longer live in the same city didn’t mean they had to break up, right? They had options.
Maybe I should move to Berlin. The thought surprised her. Freiburg was her home, deeply ingrained in her heart. But so was Susanne. They fit in ways that Anja had never expected.
But even if she was willing to move all the way across the country, how could she leave Nobby and the store after they had fought so hard to save it?
Anja suppressed a sigh. They needed to talk. “Susanne?”
“Mmm?” Susanne sounded as if she was close to falling asleep already.
Anja sighed. This wasn’t a conversation to have at midnight. If they started to talk about the future now, they’d be up all night, and they had to work tomorrow. She would suggest doing something nice for just the two of them this weekend—maybe a picnic at the lake or in the Japanese garden—and then broach the subject, when they were both more awake and had time to talk for hours.
“Good night,” she said.
Susanne mumbled something against her skin that sounded like, “Sweet dreams.” Her breathing eased into the quiet rhythm of sleep.
Anja settled Susanne’s arm more tightly around herself, covered Susanne’s fingers against her breast with her own, and closed her eyes, willing herself to go to sleep too.
The weather in Freiburg had turned springlike, and the farmers market around the cathedral was bustling on Saturday morning. Susanne squeezed through the crowd, trying not to drop the cell phone pressed to her ear or her basket full of vegetables, cheeses, and fresh bread.
“Has Miriam made it to Berlin yet?” Susanne asked as she strolled through one of the narrow alleys back toward the streetcar stop. Most of the time when she headed to the city center, she took the streetcar now, like a true local, instead of taking the car.
“Would I be on the phone with you if she had?” Franzi shot back, and they both chuckled. “She’s still en route. But she took the first train this morning, so she should be here in about two hours and twenty-three minutes.”
“Not that you’re counting or anything.” It still amazed Susanne to see her sister like this. Franzi had been much more casual in her relationships so far, never this eager to see her previous lovers. But she could definitely understand. In a week or two, she would be the one to count the seconds until Anja’s train arrived.
“What about you?” Franzi asked. “Are you eager to get back to Berlin?”
Was she? Not really, she admitted to herself. “It’s going to be strange. I’ve gotten pretty involved with things at Paper Love.”
“Yeah, right. Paper Love. That’s what you got involved with.” Her sister snorted. “Speaking of work, any idea what you’ll do once you’re back? Knowing you, you probably have a bunch of job interviews lined up already, right?”
Susanne paused at the end of the alley, not yet ready to join the bustle of people on the main shopping street. “Actually, no. I haven’t even been looking.”
“What? That’s so not like you, Susi.”
Susanne gripped the handle of her basket more tightly. “I didn’t have the time, okay?”
“Hey, no need to get defensive. This is me—your womb mate. I’m not judging, just trying to understand what’s going on.”
Susanne still struggled to understand it too. She had always carefully planned out the next step in her career ahead of time. “Don’t tell Mama, okay? I don’t want her to think I’m like—”
“Oh Christ, Susi! Is that the only reason you’re coming back? Because you don’t want Mama to think you’re changing your mind and your career at the drop of a hat, like Papa did?”
“No! Of course not.” But her tone lacked conviction, and even Susanne could hear it.
Susanne pushed through the crowd of shoppers and crossed the street to head to the streetcar stop on the other side. Then she paused and turned back around.
Behind her, a Bächle gurgled pleasantly, the sun glinting off its clean water. She had stepped over the narrow stream without giving it any thought, the way Anja did. Like a local.
“Shit,” she breathed into the phone.
“What?” Franzi’s voice rose in alarm. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re right. Maybe the reason I haven’t started looking for a new job is that I don’t want it—any of it. I don’t care about a great career with a fat salary or about my nice apartment in Berlin. I like Freiburg. And I…I love Anja. I want to stay.”
Franzi laughed. “And you just now figured that out?”
Susanne thought about it. Deep down, she must have known for a while, or she would have looked for a new job, but she had stubbornly clung to the thought of returning to Berlin because she’d been afraid. For the first time in her life, someone meant more to her than her career, and that was scary as hell.
“Yeah, well,” she said, her voice thick with emotion, “looks like I’m a little slow when it comes to love.”
Saying that word out loud, admitting that she loved Anja—was in love with her—sent a warm thrill through her. “Wow. I can’t wait to tell her.” She lengthened her steps.
“Tell whom?” Franzi asked. “Mama? Well, you can. She’s in the kitchen, making a cake for Miri. Here.” A door creaked open, and then the sounds of the phone being handed over filled Susanne’s ears.
“What? No, Franzi, wait! I—”
“Susanne?”
“Mama? What are you doing at Franzi’s? Um, I mean, I didn’t know you were at her place.”
“I want to meet that new girlfriend of hers. And if I wait for Franziska to bring her around, I’ll be ninety by the time I finally get to meet her, so I just dropped by unannounced.”
For once, Susanne was glad she wasn’t in Franzi’s shoes, but then she remembered that at some point, she would be if things continued to go well between her and Anja. “I met someone too.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful. What is it about the women in Freiburg?” Her mother chuckled. “I assume that’s where you met her?”
“Yes, I did. We—”
“Then make sure you bring her over for coffee when she visits you. I’d love to meet her too.”
“She won’t be coming for a visit.” Susanne cursed her sister for getting her into this mess long before she was prepared for it. She gave herself a mental nudge. “I won’t be coming back. I’ve decided to stay in Freiburg.”
For a while, only her mother’s harsh breathing filtered through the phone.
“Mama? Did you hear what I just—?”
“I heard you loud and clear. Do you really think that’s a good idea? Why rush into things? That’s not like you at all.”
Susanne braced herself, prepared to defend herself should her mother compare her to her father.
“Franziska isn’t moving all the way to Freiburg to be with her new girlfriend,” her mother said instead.
“That’s different, Mama. All Franzi and Miri had were a few weekends, but I’ve spent every day of the past two and a half months with Anja, and I can’t imagine not seeing her for a week or two or even longer when I travel for work.”
“But…but…if you stay in Freiburg, what will you do about a job?”
“I have no idea. I guess I’ll figure it out.”
Her mother gasped. “I never thought I’d hear something like that from you. That’s something your—”
“Don’t say it. I’m not Papa, and even if I do something he might have done, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I need to make my own decisions without worrying about whether it might make me like him.” She realized that she’d let herself be guided by her need to be different from her father for much too long. She had defined herself by what she didn’t want to be instead of thinking about what she wanted.
But that would stop right here, right now. She wanted a life with Anja.
“That’s not what I…” Her mother sighed. “I never meant to make you feel that way, Susanne. I just… It’s just so unexpected.”
“I know. I didn’t plan on it either. But I’m not sorry at all. In fact, I’m pretty happy about it.”
Her mother took several steadying breaths. “Then I’m happy about it too. But I still want you to bring her by to meet me, do you hear me?”
“Yes, Mama. I will. I have to go now. I’m meeting Anja for a picnic in less than two hours, and I have a lot to do before then. Tell Franzi bye for me.” Not giving her mother a chance to say anything else, she ended the call and stared at the black screen.
For a moment, she felt dizzy. Her life had changed so fast. But then again, it had taken almost three months for her to end up where she was now.
As she stepped into the streetcar and stamped her ticket, an idea occurred to her. In the past, she would have immediately dismissed it as foolish, but now she decided to just go with it—that was, if she could remember how to make a paper boat.
Ten minutes later, she hurried toward her apartment building.
Muesli sat on the low wall encircling the lawn, and when he saw her, he immediately jumped down and greeted her by rubbing against her legs.
“I see he’s still enamored with you,” Katrin, his owner, called from the mailbox.
Susanne bent to pet him and was about to walk past Katrin with a smile and a “hello,” but then she paused. “I admit I’m pretty enamored with him too. Were you serious about giving him up for adoption?”
Katrin clapped her hands, dropping her mail in the process. “Seriously? You want to keep him?”
“I think it’s the other way around.” Susanne smiled. “He’s keeping me. I haven’t talked to our landlord yet, but yes, I want to stay…and I’d like to give Muesli a home too.”
“I’d love that. At least that way, we could visit him whenever we want…right?”
“Of course. Drop by any time you want to see him.”
Katrin beamed. “God, that’s such a relief. I love knowing he’ll be happy and nearby. I’ll bring over his litter box, his cat bed, and the rest of his stuff later.”
And just like that, Susanne found herself the new owner of a cat.
She only hoped Anja would be as happy about her staying.
“This is beautiful.” Susanne stretched out her long legs in front of the bench.
“Very beautiful,” Anja said, but her gaze was on Susanne, not on the Japanese garden.
Spring was in the air today. The rays of the sun shone through the branches of the blooming tree they sat under, and the scent of cherry blossoms trailed on the light breeze. Every now and then, one of the soft pink petals rained down on them. Birds were singing, and an artificial waterfall pattered over large boulders and ran beneath a small wooden bridge.
The Japanese garden was only a few steps away from the popular Seepark—the park surrounding the artificial lake near Anja’s apartment—but it was tucked away at the edge and most people didn’t seem to know it existed, so they had this part of the garden all to themselves.
This spot was almost ridiculously romantic, and under different circumstances, Anja would have really enjoyed sitting here with Susanne. But right now, she was too nervous to fully relax and appreciate it.
Today was the day. She would finally take the leap, put herself out there, and tell Susanne how she felt.
Susanne opened the picnic basket she had brought and started piling fruit, veggie sticks, olives, cheese, and bread onto the red-and-white-checkered cloth she had spread on the bench between them.
Anja nibbled on a strawberry and a piece of cheese. Both were delicious, but she didn’t have much of an appetite.
Either Susanne had snacked while preparing the picnic, or she wasn’t hungry either. She didn’t touch any of the offerings she had brought. Instead, she peeked into the basket, closed it, opened it again, and stared inside.
Anja decided to forge ahead despite Susanne’s strange distraction. If she waited any longer, she’d go insane. “Susanne, can we talk?”
“Of course. In fact, there’s something I wanted to tell you too. Or maybe rather show you.” Susanne held out the basket.
Anja wa
ved away the offer. “No, thanks. I’m not hungry. There’s something I have to—”
“It’s not edible.”
Anja threw a fleeting glance at the one remaining item in the basket. It was a bottle of some kind. “I’m not thirsty either.” She took a deep breath and then just blurted it out. “I know this is really unfair of me since we said no promises and all, but… God, I can’t stand the thought of you leaving. Susanne, I…” She swallowed and forced herself to hold Susanne’s gaze. “I love you.”
For a moment, even the birds seemed to fall silent.
Quickly, Anja added, “I’m not saying that to manipulate you into staying, and it doesn’t mean you have to say it back or that I expect you to—”
“Anja.” Susanne interrupted her babbling with the biggest grin Anja had ever seen on her. “Take the bottle and open the ship, please.”
Bottle? Ship? She was in the middle of putting her heart on the line, and Susanne was talking about some strange nautical stuff? Thoroughly confused, she reached into the basket and pulled out a plastic bottle.
The bottom had been cut out, and inside was a red, slightly crooked paper boat. The name written on the side of the boat was Anja. A toothpick stuck out of the sail, and a tiny paper flag attached to it said, Unfold me.
“W-what’s this?” Anja asked. This wasn’t a goodbye present, was it?
No. If it were, Susanne would look much more sober instead of grinning from ear to ear.
“Open it,” Susanne said hoarsely.
With trembling fingers, Anja pulled out the boat and carefully unfolded it. As she smoothed out the paper, she realized there was something written on the inside.
I love you.
The paper fell from her fingers, and she stared at Susanne, who gave an embarrassed shrug.
“I’m not usually one for romantic gestures, but I guess you bring it out in—”
Anja threw her arms around her, ignoring the strawberries that rolled off the bench, and interrupted Susanne with a heartfelt kiss.
Unknown minutes later, they drew back a little and gazed into each other’s eyes.