by Matt Rogers
Chapter 34
As usual they were watching television when he entered.
“Hello, everybody!”
“Nat!”
The voluptuous Vamp leapt in his arms and the Alien from Heaven once again found himself marveling in the delight of Superior contact.
“Hey, Nat” George said by way of greeting.
“How you dong, Nat?” Phillip said between bites of succulent sirloin.
Nat thought the question over a bit longer than he normally would because he wasn’t exactly sure of the answer. Things had been progressing, definitely so, but the progression wasn’t exactly as he’d thought. Texas and Mexico were still maintaining their distances across the border but the situation had taken on a more serious note. He’d received the information first-hand from the man in charge, the big honcho, Governor Austin Travis. As was their custom the meeting took place over lunch.
“Hello, Governor.”
“Hello, Nat.”
The diner they had frequented took delight in menu overloading. Behind the waitress who took their order was a blackboard and on it were an incredible number of options. So incredible Nat found himself in the awkward situation of not having an answer to the question of food preference because his mind was taking numerous positions on the subject. What type of bread? What type of cheese? Which dressing? Which meat? The whole smorgasbord of deli deliciousness was at his disposal but because some adventurous soul had decided to assail his senses with every option available he was short circuiting through neural overload. Thank goodness for him the Governor was not one to let his brain do the deciding on the matter.
“Get the roast beef, Nat, it’s the best around.”
Nat thanked the Governor for his help, took his advice and waited in anticipation of roast goodness. When it arrived it did so with a side of fries and the sweet tea of Texas which again rained confusion down on the Monitor. How could people invent such mouth-watering dishes and not follow simple manipulation?
“What have you heard from Mexico?” the Governor asked and Nat chose his words wisely.
“They believe they are going to win, Governor. They think the Court of World Opinion is on their side.”
The Mexican President had told him the facts. The World Court was not only siding with Mexico they were beginning to delve a little deeper into waters most thought unfathomable. The process was one of originality. If peoples could make a claim to original habitation then the World Court was open to hear their side of the story. It was causing a whole bunch of otherwise happy landowners to look upon their fields of grain with great consternation. It essentially involved three continents; North America, South America and Australia.
“The World Court does know we will never accept their verdict, don’t they?”
Nat knew it to be true and it was causing his confusion to mount. The lands in question were of such obvious original inhabitation the Court was having difficulty finding a way out of their predicament. In North America alone there were hundreds of claims, all backed by historical recordings and verified through the occupying forces themselves, no less. Native Americans, Mexicans, Aleuts and even Scandinavian raiders were making legal claims to the territories and were providing such confounding logical proofs to the deeds the Court was in a flummox on how to proceed. The problem was logical legal thought. There was no way the United States could claim anything other than possession through use of overwhelming force. Furthermore, the country in question was also one which professed to be based on the rule of law. The rule of law stated possession through force was an illegal act.
“What will you do if the verdict goes against you?” Nat asked.
The Governor, not a man known to take a long time in thought responded without so much as a pause.
“We will go to war.”
Nat believed him. The problem he had was determining the type of war the Governor was willing to contemplate. The United States had her back against the wall, facing legal conviction and expulsion from the very lands which made her relevant. She was the superpower, the one force all others had to contend with when contemplating their actions. She was known to be good to her friends and benevolent to her vanquished foes but was now facing something she was ill-prepared to meet; the legality of herself. Was she even legal? Can a nation based on the rule of law exist if it became so through illegal means?
“What does the President think?” Nat asked already knowing the answer but wishing to hear it from another’s point of view.
“He’s acting like he always does, talking out both sides of his mouth.”
The Governor had a long-running feud with his President which was another thing Nat found confounding because he knew for a fact the two men actually liked each other. He knew the reasoning behind the public face of the disagreements because he’d asked.
“Why do you always oppose the President?”
“Because the news only reports the negative, Nat, never the positive. If I oppose then I will always be in the right.”
Nat couldn’t find fault with the reasoning because the man had won every election and done so without ever proposing an idea. He merely mentioned his opposition to the ruling party of the north and when his southern brethren thought it over they were satisfied he’d done the job they had elected him for and reelected him to obstruct some more.
“Will you attack Mexico, Governor?”
The Governor took a little time to answer, not because he was considering his words wisely but because he had a full mouth of beefy nutrients to swallow.
“Not unless she tries to enforced the Court’s ruling if it goes in her favor.”
The delicate balancing act was hard for him to follow because the ruling had to have legitimacy. It was one thing to deliver a verdict, it was quite another to enforce the thing. If the Court ruled the United States to be an illegitimate entity then what was it willing to do about it? Nat decided to change topics but stay in the same realm of subjectivity.
“What is the President going to do about Cuba?”
“He’s thinking about a blockade.”
To Nat the blockade idea was not one he wished to see enforced. It would prove difficult to navigate if the Wolves of First chose the tiny communist island as their staging base for their assault on Third.
“He’s not thinking about invading?”
“Not just yet. He’s got his advisors going over the plans but as of right now the thought is the infrastructure is so weakened a blockade will do the job just as well.”
“Huh?”
“Cuba is nothing more than a vacation location waiting for the rich and wonderful to visit her sunny beaches. The only problem it’s got is the population. There’s too many of them Cubans and they’ve really let the place go. The thought is the blockade will allow two things to happen. First, them Cubans will begin tearing up their inadequate houses to provide themselves with the goods we’ll be denying them and second, after a little bit of time and starvation those same Cubans will get the heck off our vacation getaway. I’m not sure about the exact numbers but the thought is if we blockade them for a couple of years then one part of the development process, the demolition part, will get done by those illegal communists and the blockade will actually pay for itself.”
Nat began to wonder if maybe Vampire plans for Human warfare were not proceeding as they wished.
“What about Canada?”
“What about it?”
“Is the President going to do anything about the Canadalaskan Pipeline or the Statue of Liberty bombings?”
“Oh, yeah, those. Well, he’s running into a slight problem there.”
“What problem?”
“Well, we don’t really know what to ask for in return. I mean, it’s not like we want to replace old Lady Liberty because, well, quite frankly most people think the idea of advertising for more tenants is kind of an outdated philosophy. We’re actually looking to downsize the population instead. Now, the pipeline is another matter enti
rely. We definitely want a little help in subsidizing the repair process but…”
“But what?”
“Well, it’s kind of on their land, after all. I mean, we can’t go and start complaining about the cost of terrorism when the act wasn’t done on our property. Besides, the oil industry is actually coming out ahead in this deal.”
“They are?”
“Yep, they’ve never seen profits so high and have the best excuse in the world for why they’re charging those outlandish prices.”
“The price of security?”
“Yep, every inch of those pipelines is now being monitored by security cameras and the cost along with a slight profit for the endeavor is being passed on to the consumer. Now, I think in a little bit of time, a couple of days actually, we might see a shift of policy toward those Canucks because the people tend to get a bit edgy when it comes to their price for petroleum.”
Nat’s ears perked up with the Governor’s statement for it was finally something he wished to hear.
“You think America will go to war with Canada?”
“I don’t see why not? It’s not like it’d be a tough one to win. Shoot, all we’d need to do is tell the American audience Canada was open for expansion and I bet before you knew it we’d have a million beaver-hunters scouring their frozen turf in search of the American dream.”
Nat decided he’d heard enough, thanked the Governor for his meal and left to tell the LeTorque the news.
“I had lunch with the Governor and I’ve got some exciting things to pass along.”
The two Wolves looked away from the television they’d been monitoring, Vivian sat down and was soon followed by Trudy who’d come down the stairs when she heard Nat arrive.
“What’s that?” George asked.
“It looks like Canada is in play.”
The two Vampires looked pleasantly pleased and the Wolves demeanor took on the shade of eagerness.
“Really? Canada?” Trudy asked.
“Yep. It appears the price of war is waged at the pumps.”
Trudy and Vivian shared smiles with each other for a plan well executed while George and Phillip did what they always did when war was anticipated.
“You want to throw a lasagna in the oven?”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Ooh, you know what would be good with that?”
“What?”
“Fried chicken.”
“Excellent idea!”
So the two Wolves of Third left to prepare their mid-afternoon snack while the lovely ladies of LeTorque redefined their plans for Canadian conquest leaving the molecular Monitor in the unusual position of having nothing to do. Since he normally disliked leisure activities he turned his attention to the television.
“Hello, folks, this is Nick Price with the award winning Channel Five After Noon News. Up first, a United Nation divided. We now go live to our award winning reporter, Tim Tidbit. Tim, are you there?”
“Yes, I’m right here, Nick.”
The visage of the worldly reporter remained on screen.
“Tim, what can you tell us about the proceedings in the United Nations?”
The reporter who was gaining acclaim for his investigative prose stared into the camera and women a time zone away waited with wonder at what he would reveal.
“We’ve had some trouble today, Nick. It appears the United Nations is no more. There are now two distinctly separate factions and both are laying claim to their territories.”
The viewing public were granted a reprieve from the reporter with an eye for detail and the image of the anchorman briefly held their interest.
“What factions are those, Tim?”
The control booth went wild with high-fives for seamlessly transitioning from one talking head to another and when it became clear only one question was to be asked someone pushed a button and the young reporter reappeared.
“Those for America and those against, Nick. The world is now in two camps and the undecided are being heckled by the decided.”
The image of the anchorman reappeared and sighs of female frustration could be heard throughout the viewing audience. The control room wasn’t exactly sure how to proceed. No one had ever thought of the proper solution to reporter rise and anchorman apathy. It was decided to go with the flow of public support. Nick Price, anchorman to the stars was to learn there was only one star in the Lone Star State and the border reporter with eyes of Texas upon him would stake his claim to fame in the hearts of lonely women everywhere. It didn’t happen overnight and Nick would enjoy free meals at local pizza palaces for some time but the writing was on the wall, the vote was tallied and women would get their nightly fix of Tim Tidbit for a decade to come.
“They’re being heckled?”
“Yes, Nick, heckled. Those nations opting not to take sides are being called some pretty vile things.”
“Like what, Tim?”
“Well, they’re kind of vile, Nick, so I’m not sure I can say them on the air but they seem to involve a lot of Swiss cheese references.”
“Swiss cheese?”
“Uh-huh, Swiss cheese. You know, things like cheese-eaters and holes in their blocks, stuff like that.”
The screen shifted so fast it was later argued the control booth violated the contract of the anchorman to the greater Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex but the station came out ahead in the end for nowhere did it state the amount of time his face would appear only the amount it could not be absent.
“Holes in their blocks?”
“Uh-huh, holes in their blocks. I wasn’t exactly sure of the reference myself so I asked one of our sister station reporters for an interpretation. It appears the world has been viewing America through a somewhat differing lens.”
“What lens is that, Tim?”
“A ‘Peanuts’ lens, Nick. Apparently the old comic strip of Charles Schwartz fame has taken hold throughout most of the world and since his main character was always called a block-head the descriptive moniker was shortened and what we consider a square the rest of the world sees as a circular shape.”
The screen shifted and the anchorman with a vanity contract appeared.
“So, you say there are two factions?”
The control booth was in such a stage of confusion that someone pushed a button in mid-sentence of the anchorman’s question.
“Yes.”
The one word answer was almost too much for the men and women in charge of informational news-viewing. They were pushing buttons at an alarming rate and it was decided later at the union board meeting button-pushing would be limited so carpal tunnel syndrome would not take effect.
“Which countries are involved, Tim?”
“Well, it’s the United Nations, Nick, so pretty much every country is involved. Well, everyone except Switzerland, that is.”
“Switzerland is not part of the United Nations?”
“Not any more, Nick. It was decided they were sort of an unnecessary cost. It appears the other nations were a little fed up with the whole ‘neutrality’ thing and since voting is kind of a central part of their job description the Swiss were fired for incompetence.”
“They were fired?”
“Yep, they were told to yodel their way out the door and not to let the handle hit their ample backsides on the way out.”
“The Swiss have ample backsides?”
“Apparently so, Nick. It would appear cheese consumption is not the best diet where the posterior is concerned.”
Absolutely no one in the control booth had any idea of who to keep on screen. Everyone was up in arms over the amount of work needed to keep buttons pushed for audience pleasure. It took a wise hand to keep the situation under control.
“Push a button!”
“Which one?”
“Any button! Just push a button for God’s sake!”
Nat decided he’d had enough of Human confusion and returned his attention to the more pleasing aspect of his job; the viewing of adult Vampires.
“Yes, Nat?”
“When will the battle begin?”
He was eager with anticipation. He’d informed every one of the progress being made and was anticipating victory with great relish. He’d been at it a long time, after all, and believed the end was finally at hand. What they’d been waiting for, the accumulation of all their hard work and monitoring was finally to culminate in the promise given at the beginning. The Apocalypse was fast approaching and his side was looking pretty good to the odds-makers.
“It will begin immediately, Nat. I will pass word to Merri Li that the northern corridor will be open in a couple of days and we will meet her Wolves on the plains of America’s highest terrain.”
Nat’s feelings of righteous vindication were almost too much for him to bear.