by Lucy Rains
His smirk disappeared and his eyes softened.
“Are you upset with me?” I asked. “Are you angry with me, or something?”
Sadness filled both his mind and his eyes at my questions. Kissing was the last thing I wanted to do with him, but his mouth was on mine in a flash. Firm, desperate.
“No,” he said as he pulled away.
I took a step back to steady myself, the back of my hand going to my mouth. “Then why does it feel like you’re punishing me?”
“I just…” he took his own step back and looked towards the beach. I could tell his heart was beating fast, his mind spinning. He looked back at me with narrowed eyes. “Tell me I didn’t damage you.”
My head jerked back, “Damage me?”
“Tell me I didn’t scar you? At the lab?”
“I don’t understand.”
“I feel all of your pain, Jade. I feel your post stress, and I know I caused it.” At these words, it was like a curtain opened in his mind, allowing all of his regret and shame to pour over me. “I pushed you too hard. Made you see things you shouldn’t.”
“I don’t see it like that,” I argued softly.
He shook his head, kicking a pebble with his shoes. “It’s true. Chloe? The fire? The blood on the floor in the basement?”
“We had a job though, a mission. You did what needed to be done.” I was baffled, so taken aback by his admissions.
“It should have been different,” he shook his head again. “I could have dealt with things differently.”
“You’re allowed to make mistakes!” I argued.
“Not with you!”
I threw my hands up and took another step back. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep running away from me everyday. Let me help you. You need to forgive yourself and stop making your life harder than it needs to be.”
Gavin stepped forward and kissed me again. My eyes stayed open and I looked over his lashes, eyebrows, and forehead.
When he pulled back, he leaned his head on mine. “I’m trying to keep you out of it. I’m trying to heal and work through it.”
“That’s B.S.,” I whispered. “If it was me, you wouldn’t leave my side. You know you’re happier with me.” Wasn’t he? I realized after I said that, being in my presence probably made him feel the guilt and pain even more.
“Remember what happened last night?”
My shoulders slumped. “The glass?”
He nodded.
Pierce had accidentally shattered a glass cup on the kitchen floor while loading the dishes. The sound had sent me running into my room, curled up in a ball, with memories of broken vials covering the floor rushing into my mind. Blood intermixed with the solutions. Blood. Then Chloe again, and then a gunshot, and her head…
“I did that,” he whispered.
I shook my head hard, “No,” I growled. “You have to stop leaving me.”
“You are not responsible for healing me, Jade.”
He was being stubborn, as normal for Gavin. But his stubbornness was hurting me.
A tear escaped from my eye and I wiped at it angrily.
He reached out to my cheek, “But I will, Jade, I will heal. And you do help.”
I looked up.
“With your support and patience,” he said quickly. “With your affection, with your touch.”
My hand covered his, grasped it, wishing I could do more.
He dropped his hand from my face but held onto to my own. “Come on,” he said eagerly.
“Where are we going now?” I asked.
“This isn’t the only place I go to.”
I held in my questions as Gavin led me back to the truck, and unlocked my door. I would never complain about Gavin taking me anywhere with him.
Ten minutes later, he pulled up to a long, one story, white cinderblock building, and put the truck into park. I could smell the dogs before I could hear them.
The local humane society. Another animal shelter.
I let out a sigh of relief that nothing physical was involved with this stop.
The sound of incessant barking filled the air. My nose wrinkled at the stench of animal urine. I looked at Gavin, frowning, “How do you manage to go in there? I can barely breathe already.”
“It’s definitely not as well maintained as the one back in D.C. But they have just as many dogs.”
“Do you walk them and help out?” Two women walked by with shaggy mixed breeds on leashes as we open our truck doors. The dog’s tongues hung out the sides of their mouths and they pulled the women with excited anticipation.
“No,” Gavin slammed his door shut. “That takes paperwork and background checks. I just hang out. Spend time in the kennels.”
We walked around the side of the main facility to a different building that had the word ‘KENNELS-DOGS’ printed on a large sign. I followed Gavin down the sidewalks and in through the large metal entrance door.
The building was empty of people at the moment. No staff members, no one looking at the dogs, just Gavin and I. The dogs danced in circles, jumped at the wire doors, and some howled at the chaos. I saw nothing peaceful about the situation.
But I stood back and let Gavin have his time with each one. He would squat down, ignore the ‘Please do not stick hands in cages’ sign, and tickle their noses, scratch behind their ears, and even slip in a small beef treat that he pulled from his pocket. His emotions smoothed into a peaceful calm, the sadness melting away. The tension in Gavin’s shoulders seemed to lessen and the beautiful smile I rarely saw, came out with a few of the dogs.
After about twenty minutes the kennel area had quieted down, the dogs that Gavin spent time with would sit quietly by their gates, watching him interact with other dogs.
While Gavin was sneaking a treat to a husky mix, I finally spoke up, “So, this is why you always shower right when you come home? You stink like sweat and dirty dogs?”
He smiled but did not turn to look up at me.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me about this place? That you come here?”
Gavin stood up, shoving his hands into his pockets. He continued looking down at the dog, his mouth closed. That familiar taste of insecure fear emerged from him and I frowned.
Insecure? Embarrassed? Why?
My confused emotions must have hit him because he finally looked at me.
I reached out and put a hand on his arm. “You are never weak in my eyes,” I whispered.
He turned away from me, tilting his head back and closing his eyes, releasing a long breath.
My heart swelled with emotion at the insecurity he felt. That he would be hesitant to share this with me. Didn’t he trust me? “I would never judge you,” I vowed.
His head came down and he nodded silently. “I’ve never talked about my personal shit. I just do my thing, the guys leave me alone, and I deal. If I talk, they listen. That’s how it's always been.” His chest raised as he took a deep breath, shoving his hands into his denim pockets. “You came into my life, and shook up my world, expecting things from me I’ve never had to give.”
I thought about his words, understanding his solitude. Gavin was not a social creature. And the few weeks we had been together was not going to change that.
“I understand. I’m sorry I forced myself to come along.”
He nodded, not responding.
“But you could have just told me.”
“You would have wanted to come,” he said, moving on to another kennel. “I don’t like having to say ‘no’ to you.”
He was right, he knew I would have demanded to accompany him. And in that way, I was not respecting his need for privacy like I had demanded for myself in the house from everyone. My cheeks burned with shame.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized again. “If you can manage to be a little more open, it might help all of us.”
He stood up, wrapped a single arm around my waist and pulled me into him. “I know I need to do better, Pierce tells me all the time.”
The moment was tainted with a dark emotion coming from him. Hopeless, sadness. He released me and without another word, continued on with visiting with the dogs.
Gavin was still broken. And once again, I didn't know how to fix him.
Chapter 8
The phone call came the next day at precisely 8 a.m.
I was sitting in my wooden kitchen chair, slumped on one elbow and pushing cereal around my plastic bowl with a worn spoon. Pierce was leaning back against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, scowling at my lack of eating. My appetite had been low if not nonexistent over the past 24 hours. Pierce stewed unhappily, and I knew he wished he could shovel every little, round Cheerio down my throat.
The sound of the cell phone ringing through the house was alien. Like an intruder in our hideout. The guys never had their phone volume on, and everyone was home.
My eyes went wide as it found the source of the noise, coming from a drawer two rows down from Pierce’s hip.
Who was calling us?
I watched Pierce look down, pull open the drawer and retrieve the black device. Every muscle in my body went rigid in anticipation. My body sat up straight, my shoulders back, my head up.
He put the phone to his ear. “Charles.”
My body leaned forward, trying to hear everything from Charles. I could pick up a few words from the other side of the conversation.
“...you alright…Jade...”
“We’re fine,” Pierce stated simply.
“Where...Paris...” Charles was speaking quickly. In his proper manner but with an edge.
“We took a detour. Decided to lay low for a while.”
“You need to come.”
Pierce looked at me, holding the phone up to his ear. His mouth pinched into a thin line.
My head shifted, shaking once.
“We will.”
“Where…”
“We’re safe.”
“Sources...Jade...ill...”
Now Pierce tensed, standing up straight. His blue eyes locked on mine. He took a step forward and came closer to where I was sittinging. “What do you mean?” His voice low, laced with fear. Another step forward.
“She’s going to get worse. You need to come as soon as you can. You need the information we have.”
“What information? Can you help her?”
“No. But you need to hear what we have to say.”
“Tell me now, damn it!” Pierce bellowed, slamming a fist on top of table and making me jump in my chair. Milk splattered onto the table and I recoiled in my seat.
“I can’t,” Charles said.
Pierce jerked back and wiped a hand of frustration through his short hair as he pivoted away from me.
“There’s...too much. We...show you. Maps, pictures. Too much information...”
Pierce chewed his bottom lip, thinking. He turned back to look at me, concern radiated from his whole body.
I shook my head again.
“Give us a week,” he said into the phone. “I’ll be in touch.” Pierce pulled the phone away from his ear and tossed it back into the drawer.
My fingers came up to my lips and traced the outline. I stared at the droplets of milk around my bowl, not seeing anything as I thought about Charles's words.
Information.
Sources.
Get worse.
“What the hell was that?”
I turned to see Alex standing in the doorway, staring at Pierce. His light grey sweatpants hung low on his hips, his bare chest pulling at my attention. Kyson came up behind him, while Gavin came in through the backdoor. Everybody’s eyes were wide with curiosity, a jumble of emotions began pouring into the room.
My hands went to my head, grasping at my hair. I inhaled a deep breath to clear my mind and keep my own emotions in check. It was going to be four against me. I wouldn’t win this.
“What did he say?” Kyson asked, pushing passed Alex to come into the kitchen.
Pierce looked to the ground, studied his feet for a second. “He said Jade is only going to get worse.”
“What?!” Gavin hissed.
“How does he know this?” Kyson asked.
Pierce rubbed at the back of his neck, pulling at the skin. “He says he has a source.”
“Bull shit,” Alex laughed.
“He knew that Jade was already having health problems. He said his source had told him she would be.”
All four guys turned to look at me. The weight of their stares pulled me down and I had to lean my elbows on the table for support. “I’m fine.”
“Thats also bull shit,” Alex said, this time with no laughter.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Being tired from time to time is normal, right?”
“Define normal,” Alex argued.
“Well, I definitely wouldn’t trust your definition,” I shot back.
“What else did he say?” Gavin asked.
I turned to look at Pierce, “Maps? What does he mean?”
“He couldn’t tell me how to help Jade, because we need to go to Paris to hear and see for ourselves.”
“Well, I’m going to pack,” Alex announced and disappeared from the kitchen.
“Maps?” Kyson asked. “What is she talking about?”
“He said something about maps and pictures,” I answered.
Pierce shook his head, grabbing my bowl of soggy Cheerios from in front of me and putting it in the sink. “I don’t know. He said we needed to go as soon as possible.”
I looked to Kyson, watching his response. His own eyes lost focus as he digested the information. When he met my gaze he frowned. “We need to go, Jade,” he said softly.
I nodded, there was no point in arguing. It wasn’t about avoiding what Charles had to tell us anymore. That had become irrelevant. Now it was about me and my weakening state. If it was any of the guys I would be pushing for the same thing.
“A few days,” I looked to Pierce. “Right? We can wait a few days?”
Pierce leaned his hands against the counter, his head dropping. The lines of his back showed through his thin white tank that was one size too small. His skin had browned from time in the sun and it only emphasized his beautiful body. “Fine.”
Gavin scowled at me. “What if it was a matter between life and death? Are you willing to take that risk?”
I huffed a surprised laugh, “I am not dying!”
Gavin’s eyes flicked up to Kyson for a brief second and then back down to me. “You’re not well.”
I looked to Kyson, “I get it, things are...not like they were. We’ll go, okay? Just a few more days is all I ask.” Pierce turned around to look at me and I tilted my head. “Compromise, okay? Last I checked, there’s no beach in Paris. So who knows when we’ll be in ocean water again.”
“Right now, ocean water is the last thing any of us care about, Jade.” Kyson’s eyes burned into me with fervent emotion in his words and my chest warmed. Unspoken affection, compassion washed over me from more than one angle and I shivered.
I sighed, and nodded. “We’ll start packing. I’ll take it easy, I’ll try to eat better,” I shot Pierce a look. “And I won’t use my energy. Okay?”
Gavin shook his head and went back outside. Kyson went back to the living room. Piece dumped my soggy cereal down the drain, then proceeded to refill it with fresh Cheerios and milk. When he set it down in front of me with a raised eyebrow, I forced back my grimace of displeasure.
I took a heaping spoonful, shoved it into my mouth, and raised my own eyebrow back at him.
********************
I awoke with a start, wincing as I sat up.
A sob caught in my throat when I realized the skin on my hands was like ice. Pricks of pain and energy stabbed in my fingers, into my palms and up my wrists. I shook my hands, trying to work the blood flow back int
o my veins.
Panic coursed through my body and my breaths became shallow. I opened and closed my fists. A sense of lightheadedness was pulling at my head. My eyes closed as I focused on controlling my breathing before I was sent into a panic.
After a few minutes the pricks of pain dissipated and warmth returned to my hands. But the tears flowing from my eyes only increased. Anger, fear, frustration. All of it poured out in the dark of the night as I sat on the edge of my bed.
I was using my over sized tank to wipe my cheeks when there was a knock on my door as it slowly opened.
“Jade?” Kyson called out softly. Concern laced his emotions, and I knew he was worried about me.
“I’m okay,” I choked out.
My door opened wider and he stepped in, “I’m no Alex, but I call lie on that one.”
Kyson had seen me at my worst, but that didn't mean I wanted him to see me like this. Despite my efforts my sobs did not slow, and my tears did not stop. I couldn’t settle the fear inside of me.
Kyson settled himself onto the bed next to me and put a hand on my back. “Tell me, little jewel,” he said quietly.
I swallowed, cleared my throat. Admitting these fears outloud was harder than I could explain. Speaking them was like allowing them entrance into my life, making them a reality.
“What if…” I sniffed, “I’m like the others? Like Chloe?” I swallowed a sob, squeezed my hands together. “What if I’m no different? What if I deteriorate like they did?”
I finally looked up into Kyson’s eyes, wanting to know his thoughts. The corners pinched tight and his jaw clicked. I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “You’re different,” he said, more to himself than to me.
“How do you know?”
“Your organs are stable, theirs shut down. Your brain waves are clear, the chemicals in your blood are normal. All of these things were off the charts irregular in the test subjects. Your blood is pure, clean of abnormalities.”
“But I’m weakening, just like they did.”
“Their muscles began to atrophied, yours have stayed stable in their recovery process. There are other things, blood platelet counts, heart rate, your hair and nails are still strong. They had none of these things.”