by AJ Super
Nyx stared at the paintings on the wall. She’d have to leave orders to preserve the room, so that when she visited, at least she could find some comfort in the art—in the painting of the woman gruesomely taking her life into her own hands and the young man exacting vengeance. Even the beheaded goddess was powerful in her death, able to turn men who laid eyes on her to stone. The strong rise, even as they die. The strong rise.
She leaned over and untied her boots, then unzipped her navy jumpsuit and peeled everything off. Standing in the room in just her white under-tank and flowered underwear, she took a deep breath and turned to the bed. Why couldn’t he be laying there? Smiling at her. Teasing her.
Instead, the fluffy Lily-kitten glowed pale lavender on the bed, rolled into a ball in the folds of the black blanket. It was probably Sarama’s idea to transfer the kitten to her mine quarters for company while she mourned Malcam. She absently scratched the kitten behind an ear, and Lily let out a satisfied huff.
Nyx’s limbs were heavy as she trudged to the shower cube just off the closet. She ran her hand through her sable hair and clenched her jaw against the oncoming rush of tears. The black and red walls blurred. She couldn’t. It had been a couple days now. She had to get past this.
But all she could see was his bruised face from the energy shot that killed him.
Her breath rattled. She leaned on the surface of the drawer in the closet between the shower cube and the toilet room with her head between her hands.
How was she supposed to be the God of Gods if she couldn’t even get past one man’s death? But he wasn’t just one man and she knew it. Something had to change. In her. Around her. About her. She had to be stronger. Strong like the people in the paintings. She had to turn those around her to stone with one look. She had to have the stomach to kill the goliath. She had to have the courage to revenge the ones who hurt her.
She glanced at the toilet room to her right. A pull-out toilet was pushed into the wall and a small sink was recessed below a shining mirror.
She turned to the toilet room, stood in front of the mirror, and pulled open the cabinet nestled behind it. She touched the recessed sink and it popped from the wall, water trickling from the faucet. She reached for the razor sitting on the shelf and shut the mirrored cabinet. She passed the razor under the water, then slid it across her temple, shedding her bobbed hair. The shadowy tattoo that had grazed her cheek and reached up her head, had darkened to black. She knew something had changed by her siblings’ reactions in the shuttle during their escape from La Terre, and it had been startling to see her muddled reflection on random surfaces throughout the asteroid as the days passed so slowly. But to see it so close, so clearly, in the water closet mirror... The black tattoo trailed across her body. She razed her head. Goosebumps lifted across her arms.
The last time she shaved her head, Kai had done it for her. It had been special. He stood behind her, arms wrapped around her. He breathed in her ear as he pulled the razor across her balding head. It had been when she had first turned into the Star of Nyx. Before the tattoo started appearing on her skin.
Now she just wanted to be the Star. Be the weapon. Be the God.
The hair whispered down her back, catching on her white tank and flowery underwear. She wet the razor. Her life would be different after this. She would embrace what she was created to be. The God of Gods.
She would take over the Protectorate. Take over the universe. And make sure her family stayed safe. No matter how she had to do it. She yanked the mirror open again and set the razor on the shelf, closed it with a click, and shut the sink. Nyx ran her hand over her shaved head, then pulled her tank off and shook the hair from it. Stepping out of her underwear, she tiptoed across the cold metal floor, through the small closet, and to the shower.
She slid the metal and glass door open. The back of the small one-and-half square meter space had a shower head perched high above a drain. Below the showerhead was a small timer reading ten minutes in red digital numbers. So, her saved-up recycled-water gave her some time to soak, at least. Some time to think in the hot steam. To rinse away what was left of her hair on her shoulders. She was thankful that she wasn’t showering on the Thanatos. There wouldn’t have been that much water savings in her shower bank yet.
She hit the buttons below the timer. Hot water spilled across her bald head, washing the small bits of sable from the back of her neck and chest. She had ten minutes to wash everything away.
The door to the shower cubicle opened. Malcam walked in. He stared at the floor. Hair lay in tangled webs on the lightly corrugated grey metal. Nyx turned, heart stopped, water sluicing over her body. Her deep sepia eyes narrowed. She slowly caught her breath in the hot mist and allowed the light patter of the water to start her heart.
“You’re going to do this?” Malcam growled.
“You’re not real, Malcam. Get out.” Nyx stood facing him.
She stormed past Malcam, out of the shower cubicle. Nyx walked to the drawers in the closet and pulled out a clean white tank top and a pair of underwear with pink hearts. Lily’s furry grey head popped up as Nyx sat on the edge of the bed. She reached and absently pet the fluff-ball between the ears. The kitten purred softly. Nyx slipped her tank and underwear on, ignoring Malcam as he sat on the bed behind her.
She pivoted on the bed and yelped. It wasn’t Malcam sitting behind her on the bed. It was Kai. “How did you get in here?”
“Did you think I was him?” he whispered, sadly.
Nyx looked down at her hands.
“Did you love him?”
She shook her head slowly. “No. Yes. I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.” She stifled a sob. “Les Étoiles me préservent. I loved him, Kai. I loved Malcam.” The realization hit her in the stomach with the force of a meteor hitting a planet. An extinction level event. Her knees gelled and threatened to collapse. “I loved Malcam. What am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to say? I can’t tell him anymore. He’s gone. He’s dead.” Her breath choked in her throat. “I won’t ever be able to tell him. He’s supposed to be immortal. He’s supposed to heal. Why did he sacrifice himself for me? Why? Why me? He was supposed to be with me forever. Stand with me. By my side. I could have told him. If I would have known, I could have told him,” she wailed.
Kai stood and walked to the trembling Nyx. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest.
She sobbed. “Why him?”
Kai put his hand on her freshly shaven head and traced the jagged floral pattern of her tattoo down her cheek. “Yeah. Why him?” he whispered. He pulled Nyx closer. “You’re going to be fine, Nyxie. I’ll stay with you. You’re going to be alright.” He cupped her head and rocked back and forth. “You’re going to be alright,” he muttered with his lips to her head. “You’re going to be alright.”
Nyx pushed away. “I’m going to be all right? You’ll stay with me?”
Kai stood straight and reached for Nyx again. His sanguine blaze rolled towards her.
She swatted his hands away. “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me. What gives you the right?” She snorted. “You’ll stay with me? Until I make some choice you feel I need to be saved from. Your big damn hero complex is too much. You’re no white knight, Kai. I never wanted a knight in shining armor. I just wanted to be supported. Unconditionally. You can’t save me. I am not a damsel to be saved. I am not in distress.”
Kai huffed. “That’s not what it looks like from out here.” He nodded to her newly shaven head. “That begs the question of whether you still are even thinking like the Nyx I knew and loved.”
“She’s long gone. I’m the Star now. I’m the God. I’m the new ruler of the Protectorate.”
“Not yet, you aren’t.”
Nyx’s face flushed, furious. Her tendrils stretched and wove into Kai’s crimson fire. “It won’t be long.”
“Why exactly do you need to do this? Why take over the universe? Why not mourn the man you loved and just be a pira
te again? Move on with your life. Explain it to me so I understand. So, we all can understand. This vendetta is going to destroy so much…”
Nyx clenched her fists by her side and slowly pulled her energy from his. She needed Kai. She couldn’t hurt him right now. She had to have his support, but… She shook her head with lips thinned. It wasn’t his place to question a queen or a God. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
Kai backed away and nodded. “For now. Just for now. But you should at least come up with a better reason than revenge, or protecting your family, or whatever else you’ve told yourself. Be honest about what it is that you want from all this.” He gestured around the room.
“Honest?” she shot back. Honest? All she wanted was to protect her family like she couldn’t protect Malcam. The miners here were family. The people on the Thanatos were family. And if the twins were building her an army of followers, then they were building her a very large family indeed. “If I’m honest, then telling you what I want is for you to leave. For good. Never cross my sight again. That’s what I want!” She was losing patience with Kai very quickly.
Kai closed his eyes and sighed. “You need someone with you right now. At least have Erebus…”
“I don’t need you to tell me what to do! Just go!”
“Fine.” Kai shook his head. “But the Medusa and I are staying right here. I plan on being here with you when you need someone to pull you back again. If Malcam could do it, so can I.”
“Get. Out.” She barely contained her white wisps. They writhed around her, demanding to twine into Kai’s hot crimson energy and strangle the flame that connected him with her. The anger burned in her.
He turned on a toe and walked to the door. Looking over his shoulder, he smiled softly. “I’ll send one of your sisters. You really shouldn’t be alone.”
Nyx sank on the bed. “Fine. Just leave,” she mumbled. He may be a little right about her not being alone. She didn’t exactly want to mourn Malcam on her own, even if she had Lily with her.
And Kai was gone. The room was still. Nyx breathed out. Was Kai right? Did she need to be honest with herself? She was just barely honest about her feelings for Malcam. How could she be honest about what she really wanted with the power of the Protectorate? About why she wanted to rule the universe? Was there something more to what she wanted than to protect the people who wanted to protect her? Could there be something more? She sat on the edge of the bed.
The door slid open, and Erebus walked in quietly. “I overheard your fight with Kai. I wasn’t far away. Do you need company?”
Nyx jerked. Of course, Erebus heard her fight with Kai. Her emerald code flew through the network and connected hardware throughout the asteroid mine now. Nyx could even see it in the door pad. She nodded. “I could use some company.” She patted the bed beside her. “Sit.”
Erebus stepped to the bed and sat next to her sister. The silence stretched like a thin red string between them. Erebus cleared her throat, a mimicry of humanity. “I’m sorry about Malcam.”
Nyx sat stone still. If she moved, the tears would start again.
“You can cry if you need to.”
“I don’t need to.”
“What do you need?” Erebus looked over at Nyx.
“Do you trust me?” Nyx turned to Erebus and absently began petting Lily.
Erebus nodded once, slowly.
“You seem timid about that answer.” Nyx glanced at her lap then back into Erebus’ gold-ringed eyes.
“You make it hard.”
“How?”
“You said no one else would die. But you killed an entire ship of people.”
“I see.” Nyx paused and took a deep breath. “I meant no one else in our family would die. I plan on needing to kill a lot of new Protectorate branleurs while we’re at war.”
“But what about the innocent people on that ship?”
“No one is innocent in a war. Besides, how am I supposed to protect our family if I don’t take action?”
Erebus folded her hands and put them around her knees. “What if we don’t want to be protected?”
“I have the power to make this universe a place where you and the other Stars, as well as anyone else who joins our family, safe. I can protect you all. You can live in peace.”
“I can’t speak for those who believe in your Cult of Nyx… but I can speak for your real family. We don’t need saved. We are strong and can fight for ourselves. This goal you have, this narrative you’ve given yourself…” Erebus tightened her lips. “It’s all useless. It’s a savior complex.”
Nyx stiffened.
“Kai is right. Be honest with yourself. Is this the real reason you want to rule? Or is it something else? Is this really the path you want to choose?”
Ice traveled down Nyx’s spine. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words would form. Not Erebus, too. Everyone questioned her motives. Everyone questioned her choices. The only one who wouldn’t have done so was Malcam, and he was dead.
36
Nyx rolled sleepily into a pile of grey kitten. Lily mewed indignantly and hopped off the bed. Nyx didn’t remember crawling into the warm black covers, so she must have fallen asleep sometime after she ordered Erebus to leave. She had fought her tears for most of the night, intermittently screaming into her pillow and cursing Malcam for leaving her alone. Her breath fluttered, and she ran a hand over her freshly shaven head. For a moment, she had expected to run her fingers through a gnarly mess of sable strands from her fitful sleep. Her pillow was damp. She couldn’t stop the tears while she was sleeping.
She swung her feet off the bed and stretched. She had important things to do today. The least of which was to take control of her clone army. It meant having a conversation with Yoon Chung-Ae, one that she wasn’t looking forward to, since she’d overheard him say he wouldn’t let her have the army. She had to convince him, somehow… She needed the force not only to staff the Andraste but to form a boarding party to take the command deck of La Terre. And she wanted both groups under her control.
Given that Erebus still agreed to her plan to help take the city-ship, she needed the physical control of the clones to guarantee that the rebellion was going to work. If she didn’t have them, the miners would be assigned to the boarding party, and they could all die, because the small armada would be blown to bits without the protection of the Battle Station Andraste.
She looked down at her white tank and pink-hearted underwear. She must’ve looked ridiculous crying in her sleep. Like a helpless little girl. She glanced at the paintings around her. Did she sense disgust from them? They were strong. Last night, did she prove she wasn’t?
Nyx stood and straightened her shoulders. Malcam was gone. She couldn’t do anything about that anymore. But she could kill the salope who killed him. And she could take back the putain de Protectorate and make sure that the people who wanted her family dead never saw the light of another sun again.
She went to the closet and pulled her Thanatos uniform from its hangar. Might as well start by acting as the captain of her ship again—or better yet… admiral of an armada, and the God of Gods.
She slid the uniform on and zipped the zipper up the side of her chest. She sat on the bed and pulled her boots on, Lily-kitten rolling with the strings as she tied them up. Nyx picked up the grey fluff-ball gently glowing with lavender light and pet her, then set her down on the messed-up bed. “I’ll have someone come get you. I have to go talk with a couple people… least of whom is Yoon.”
She slapped the door pad and walked into the empty adjoining meeting room.
She sighed. It would have been too easy to just find him waiting for her. She walked over to the center console and narrow-waved the Thanatos. Sarama popped onto the view-screen, black curly hair set loose around her shoulders. She raised her eyebrow. “Captain?”
Nyx drew her mouth into a thin line. “Probably should ratchet that up to admiral.”
Sarama smiled. “Giving yourself
several promotions?”
“Necessity. We have a tiny armada now. I’m going to need you to take lead on the Thanatos. You’re captain now, Captain Grace Sarama.”
Sarama scrunched her face in disgust. “I don’t want it.”
“You have to. I have no one else. You’re First Officer, and the ExO is gone.”
Sarama’s jaw tightened. “I heard. But why can’t you come back to the Thanatos?”
Nyx cleared her throat. “Captain Grace Sarama, make sure you appoint an ExO and First Officer who suits you. Thanatos is your ship, now. I have other plans.”
“I’m sure you do, Nyx,” Phoebe whispered behind her.
Nyx jumped. She hadn’t even heard the door whisk open. Her ears still roared with waves of unshed tears, and it took all she had to concentrate on the conversation she was having with Sarama.
She nodded to Sarama, and the new Thanatos captain saluted her, then the view-screen went blank.
“You’re determined in this course of action?” The jet-black haired AI queen stared at Nyx’s new appearance. “I see that you’ve made a bit of a change.”
“I wanted to talk to you.” Nyx frowned, ignoring the comment. “I need someone to be the captain on the Andraste. I think that my lead tactician should be that person. In a perfect world, I would have Yoon…”
“But you don’t want him to have that much power over your army.” Phoebe crossed her arms and paused. “I agree that Yoon shouldn’t captain the Battle Station. The fact that he already has control of that many clones unchecked…” Phoebe hesitated. “He could turncoat and destroy what little you have at your disposal. It is a predictable possibility. But the percentage that he will…” She tipped her head. “I’m still unsure. There are too many unknown variables.”
“His control of the clones is nearly unchecked,” Nyx corrected her sister. “Remember, he’s bound to me. Just like you and Erebus.” She grit her teeth. “And he does have a history of siding with the enemies of our family. I don’t want that history to repeat itself.”