“Psychiatrist?” He lifts, his tired eyes scan my face as he hovers over me. His nose is only two inches from my own. If that.
“Do you think I can do it?”
“I think you can do anything you want to, Raven. I think you’ll be amazing at it.” He kisses my lips so softly and briefly, if it weren’t for the heat they left behind, I’d wonder if it happened.
I wonder what this means for us now.
I don’t want to lose him, and relationships and sex, they mess up everything. Travis is the only person who gets me and is willing to put in the effort. If I do this now, and I lose him, I’ll never forgive myself.
Like he said before, I’m a hurricane, and right now, this hurricane doesn’t know what she wants. Or she knows what she wants and she wants it more than she should.
“I’m sorry I kissed you today,” I murmur, hoping to put this right before anymore lines get blurred. “I was really upset.”
For a moment he doesn’t reply and I wonder if he’s fallen asleep. But finally, after a long, torturous pause he asks, “Is that the only reason you kissed me? Because you were upset?”
He asks the right questions at all the wrong times.
“It was an emotional moment,” I murmur. Hoping he doesn’t hate me after. “You’re practically my brother. You’re one of my best friends, if not the best friend I have. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
Another torturous pause elapses. And then he grumbles, “Go to sleep, Raven. You’ve had a tough day.”
“Are you angry with me?” I whisper and his body shifts, moving him onto his back so I’m tucked into his side with an arm on his chest. “Trav?”
“No, I’m not angry with you.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I’m just tired,” he replies.
I don’t press him, I just close my eyes as his fingers stroke my arm that’s on his chest.
School is as expected, people praise me as I walk past them in the hall. They ask me how I’m doing. Some suggest I’m an idiot for not using this as an excuse to get off school.
So naïve and dumb.
I feel like this experience has aged me ten years.
My dad pulled me to the side this morning to double-check that I’m okay. He wants me to attend some kind of victims’ support group. I don’t need it. Though walking through the halls of so many inconsiderate people has me wondering if it’d be smart.
Their laid-back attitude to the fact somebody we have known for years almost died yesterday is disgusting.
The principal holds a massive assembly for everyone, to talk about mental health and how Brett is doing. I pass around a card at lunch to my friends for them to sign too, ready to take to him later.
And Travis… Travis is being off with me. I can tell he’s trying to support me but really his presence is bringing me down. Something is bothering him, and when I ask, he lies and tells me nothing.
So fucking frustrating.
“I’m fine” has become his go-to reply when I ask. It’s a default response for people that either don’t know how they’re feeling or don’t want to talk about it.
Cella can’t get any more apologetic than she is for freaking out, but honestly, I tell them all I’m done talking about it now.
There’s nothing left to say, because like Travis, I’m fine too.
“Go and see Brett,” I command them. “He needs this attention more than I do.”
I stand from the table feeling nauseous and neglected by the one person whose attention I need more than I’d like to admit. Their eyes follow me, sympathetic and understanding but really what do they understand?
“Babe,” Cella calls after me, but I hear Travis say, “I’ll go.”
He catches up with me beyond the doors to the cafeteria. The corridor is near empty, save for a few students I don’t know and Lake and his buddies near one of the three exits.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
I look him dead in the eyes. “Away from you.”
He hesitates. “What did I do?”
“It’s just your vibe,” I mutter honestly. “It’s bringing me down.”
When I try to walk away, he grabs my arm and pulls me into the doorway of an empty classroom. “My vibe?” He looks perplexed.
Have I been reading him wrong? Have I been projecting my own insecurities onto him?
“You seem annoyed with me, distant,” I explain, twisting my hands together. I’m fidgeting, something I’m not known for. Why does being this close to Travis make me so nervous?
I spent a good four hours sleeping in his bed last night before sneaking back to my own. I didn’t want him to wake up and me be there. It would have been so awkward.
“I’m not annoyed with you, or distant. I just thought… after yesterday… and the kiss. I figured you needed a bit of breathing space.”
My breath catches. “Are you weirded out because we kissed?”
He wets his lips and I wonder if the memory of it affects him just as much as me. “Like you said, we’re friends. Right?”
“Right.”
Hazel eyes scan my face. “Then yeah, it’s a little bit weird. Friends don’t kiss friends like that. Do they?” His brows pull together as though gauging my reaction. Is he expecting something from me? He seems nervous and I’m usually pretty good at reading people. Not Travis though.
“It was an emotional moment.”
His frown deepens as he blows out a breath. He is definitely upset with me. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I almost fucked everything. Clearly he doesn’t like me like that. Why do I do this shit to myself? Travis would never want me like that. We’re too different. He probably kissed me back to be polite and not hurt my feelings.
Fuck.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I don’t want to ruin what we have. I promise I won’t kiss you again,” I hiss, looking around me just in case anybody is listening. Nobody is.
“So, that’s that then?” He still looks and sounds annoyed.
“Let’s never mention it again and just go back to how we were.”
“Fine.” He hikes his bag up his shoulder and then pushes his glasses up his nose. “It never happened.”
“Exactly.” I try to smile at him, but it falls short and vanishes entirely when Lake calls my name.
“Wait up!” he yells down the corridor and jogs over to me. He’s completely oblivious to the tension between Travis and me. It’s thick enough to cut through with a knife. “I tried calling you last night. I wanted to see if you were okay?”
Travis laughs once through his nose.
“I’m okay. I think. I will be.”
Lake leans closer, his shoulder on the corner of the wall by mine. “If you want to take your mind off it later, give me a call. I’ve got some super strong green that tastes like cotton candy.”
“Cotton candy?” I smile with disbelief. “No shit?”
Travis scoffs and pushes on his glasses again. His lips are set to a thin white line. What’s wrong with him?
“Sup, Stepdork?” Lake asks. “You want some?”
“Don’t smoke.”
Lake chuckles. “Forgot you were straight edge. Unlike your sister here.”
“She’s not my sister,” Travis snarls, sounding angrier than I’ve heard him in a long time. “I’m going to class. Text me if you need me.”
I watch him walk away, wondering what I did wrong this time. He should be happy?
“What’s his deal?”
“I think he has a problem with me doing drugs,” I reply as I try to work out if that’s the issue.
Lake steps into my space and tilts my head up by my chin. “You don’t. You game?”
“Yeah. I want some cotton candy green.”
“That’s my girl.”
His girl? He wishes.
I roll my eyes but don’t correct him. Today I’m using him for his green and I won’t feel guilty about it. He owes me after what he did to me.
When school end
s, it’s Lake who drives me to the hospital. I drop off Brett’s card, spend an hour, and then head to kissing hill to get high as a kite in Lake’s truck.
It’s twenty minutes past curfew when I’m home. Shonda is waiting up for me but she doesn’t look upset, just concerned. There’s a massive difference between upset and concerned.
“Sorry I’m late, it won’t happen again,” I murmur, hoping she can’t smell the weed on my clothes or see the redness of my eyes.
“You texted to let me know. That’s all I ask.” She hugs me tight and I know she can smell the green on me because I hear her sniff, but she doesn’t say anything. When she pulls back, she whispers, “Your dad fell asleep. He was working out with Travis for two hours, teaching him how to use your gym equipment. It wiped them both out.”
“Travis was working out?” My lips twitch. “I’d have paid to see that.”
“Me too, but they wouldn’t let me in,” she replies, giggling a little. “Go on up to bed.”
“Goodnight, Shonda.”
“Goodnight, sweetie.”
I shower, brush my teeth, and pull on a clean shirt and shorts that only just hug my rear. It’s a warm night and I’m not planning on sleeping in my bed so I need to keep my skin exposed.
I wait for Shonda to go to her room before I lock my door, climb out of my window, and tiptoe across the tiles to Travis’ before sliding in. He has passed out as Shonda predicted, so I lock his bedroom door quietly and hop over a part of his floor that I know creaks.
Then, without permission, I pull back the covers and slide in.
I probably shouldn’t. This is torture for me. But I can’t forget how warm and safe I felt last night and I need that now more than anything else.
“Trav?” I whisper waiting for permission to touch him as I settle onto the pillow.
He opens an eye and scowls at me. That stops me in my tracks and I pull the hand that was reaching out to him, back to my chest.
“Are you still mad at me?”
“How high are you?” he asks begrudgingly.
“Quite.”
He blows out a sharp, angry breath. “Did you have sex with him?”
I can’t believe he just asked me that. “Don’t be gross. Do you think I’d touch that after what he did to me?” There’s too much distance between us so I shift closer. “Are you still mad at me?”
“I was never mad at you, Raven. I’m mad at myself.”
At that I frown. “What? Why?”
There’s a heady pause between us as his eyes scan my face.
“Why?” I ask again.
“Because I should have stopped you and I didn’t.”
“From kissing you?”
He nods slightly. “I’m tired. Are we sleeping or are you going?”
I shift even closer and feel his knee against mine but he pulls it away. “What’s wrong?”
When he turns over, I feel more dejected than before as I stare at the back of his shoulders.
I should never have come.
“Sorry, Trav,” I breathe and start to climb from his bed.
The second my feet touch the rug he grabs the back of my shirt and pulls. When I look at him, he’s on his side facing me, resting on one bent arm as the other stretches to keep ahold of me. His hazel eyes are twinkling in the moonlight and his lips are sparkling with moisture.
“Come here,” he murmurs, releasing me and patting the space I just vacated.
His arm slides under my neck and wraps his other arm around me. Keeping our groins separated for obvious reasons.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s my issue,” he whispers, pressing his nose to mine. “Not yours.”
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is you smoking weed as a crutch to deal with your feelings.” His fingers drift up my side. “Don’t do that anymore. For your sake. For mine. Don’t do it. Do it because it’s fun, not because you need it to handle real problems and deep feelings.”
Peering up at him, I trace the sharp edge of his jaw with my fingertips and around the shell of his ear. He visibly shivers before clasping my hand tightly in his.
“I didn’t realize my habits upset you.”
“You didn’t?” He pulls my head into his chest. He’s so warm, my own personal heater. I want to kiss him again so badly, but I don’t want to upset him anymore than I have. “Promise me you’ll try?”
“I promise,” I murmur.
“I know it’s how you deal with stuff and have for a while but remember this moment. If you ever need to forget, even just for a little while, call me.” His hand threads through my hair. It’s so relaxing. “I am always here, I will always protect you. Just say when."
"When.” I bury my face beneath his chin and hold him tighter than he’s holding me.
Why did Dad have to fall in love with his mom? Why couldn’t it have been anybody else? It just makes everything so complicated. Maybe he’d want to kiss me if we weren’t about to become stepbrother and sister. Maybe I’d be good enough for him in that life.
I leave again before the sun rises, slipping through the open window and back into my own room.
Cella takes me to school this morning as Travis has an appointment that I didn’t know about. Nobody mentioned anything to me. Cella is recovering fine after the incident, she’s a lot better than I have been anyway. She won’t talk about it, but personality-wise she’s back to her old self.
With my new outlook on life and plans for the future, I’ve decided to cut out green for the most part. Travis is having a seriously positive effect on me.
Bris, Cella, Molly, and I are all sitting at a table in the cafeteria at lunchtime. We are poring over books about NYC. We’re putting our dreams into a plan of action.
Cella wants to move there with me, she’s always wanted to go to NYC, the Big Apple. Truth be told I’ve always wanted to see it too, but I know it’ll kill my dad when he finds out that’s where I’m moving if I get in. It’ll kill all of our parents but their parents can afford to fly them back and forth more than mine can. It’s a six-hour flight though so I’m not sure how often they’ll make it.
If I get through my finals, I’ll be okay. I know it.
“So, we’ll get student accommodation. If we apply now, we’re guaranteed to be at the top of the list, and more than likely will get a bigger apartment to share,” Molly explains. “We just need a deposit and everything. If y’all are serious, I’ll speak to my dad and see if he’ll pay it until we can pay it back.”
“We’re gonna need jobs too,” Bris murmurs. “I’ll tackle that part, see what’s available in the area.” She looks at me and we share excited smiles.
It’s all falling into place. My future as a psychiatrist is looking better and better. It’s definitely what I want to do, for now anyway. It’s just nice to have a goal.
It’s not like I can’t change my mind if I don’t connect with it.
I’m about to ask about Cella getting her car to the city when Molly, who is sitting opposite me, looks over my shoulder with a slack jaw and wide eyes.
“No fucking way,” Bris breathes and her look mirrors Molly’s.
“What?” Cella asks and we both turn in our seats.
My mouth goes dry.
“Holy shit,” Molly murmurs. “Is that Travis?”
I have to do a double take because surely it can’t be him.
His glasses are gone, his hair is so different, it’s now short and faded at the sides and a little bit longer on the top. It has been styled with wax or something that’s keeping it in place.
I’ve never seen his whole face like this in the light, shadowed by this kind of hair.
I’ve never really paid attention either until now.
“Fuck me,” Cella mutters. “Who knew he was so good looking under that disastrous hair?”
I can’t take my eyes off him, not even when his eyes meet mine. They look bigger now and more vibrant.
He’s wearing a white T-shirt and beige cargo shorts. His arms have muscles I’ve never noticed before, his biceps have toned grooves. I knew he was strong, but he usually always covers his arms and I’ve never scrutinized him in such a way.
Everything about him looks so different.
“Hey,” I say as he approaches.
“Hey,” he replies and walks straight past us and to Sierra who is sitting three tables behind ours with the same hungry look in her eyes that I’m feeling inside.
“Damn it, I should have tapped that when I had the chance,” Bris murmurs.
“Don’t talk about him like that,” I snarl at her, feeling my hackles rise.
Her eyebrows hit her hairline and Molly casts me a curious but amused look.
Travis sits beside Sierra and laughs at something she says. I can’t take my eyes off him, or her. I’m going to vomit.
When she leans forward to kiss him and he accepts, Cella puts her hand on my arm, bringing my attention back to the table.
“What the fuck is happening?” Bris asks quietly as Molly leans to the side to block my view of Travis and that bitch Sierra.
“I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, but our little Raven has a thing for her stepbrother.”
I glare at Cella. “He is not my brother in any kind of way.”
Molly throws her head back and laughs as though this is hilarious. I glare at her now too.
“When the fuck did that happen?” Cella asks, looking amused but also concerned.
I shrug. “I don’t know. It just did. But you can’t say anything. He’s not into me like that.”
“Want me to ruin her face?” Molly asks, looking over her shoulder at Sierra and Travis who are still going at it.
“No, she hasn’t done anything wrong,” I mutter and start piling up the books on the table. “Can we just go? I suddenly feel really fucking nauseous.”
I might take back what I said earlier about quitting green to handle my feelings. Right now, I need it more than ever.
And to think I turned down Lake last night.
Nah.
Lake is gross. There are plenty of better guys at this school who can help me get over my obsession.
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