by River Savage
“Jefferies?” I call again, but I know we’ve lost him. Where the fuck is everyone?
“Fucking get us out of here!” I shout again, but I know it’s too late.
I wake in a sweat, heart thumping, blood pumping, and hands shaking as I slowly come back to my room.
“Are you okay?” a soft voice asks next to me as I try to calm myself down. Jesus, I still have a bitch here?
“Yeah.” I shake my head, sitting up to get my bearings. It’s only been a couple of hours or so and I’ve woken up from a dream again. Fuck, it’s going to be a long night. “You should go.” I stand and pull my jeans on.
“Okay, but,” she mumbles, but I don’t want to hear what she has to say.
“Listen, I had a great time but it’s over. You know the score, out.” I don’t bother to face her. I don’t think I can face anyone right now. It’s still dark out and I know it’s a shitty move, but the bitch should have left when we finished our business.
“Great time?” she repeats.
“Fine, it was fucking awesome, okay? Great fuck. See you around.” I move toward the bathroom.
“But we didn’t—”
“Get the fuck out, now,” I roar, not in the mood. The dream fucked with me this time, and I’m hanging on by a thread. I don’t stick around waiting for her response. I move to the bathroom and slam the door shut, heading straight to the shower.
The truth is I don’t even remember coming back to bed. I remember arriving at the clubhouse after my physical therapy session. I remember Nix slurring his ass off and I remember meeting some blonde. After that, it’s black. I fucking knew I shouldn’t have taken my meds and drank.
Dropping my pants, I kick them off and step into the shower. I let the hot water wash over my pounding head and force myself to not go over the dream again. Instead, I try to remember how the small brunette ended up in my bed.
A smash followed by a crash pulls me out of my head.
“Jesus Christ, the bitch has gone stage-five clinger.” I step out of the shower, reach for my towel and wrap it around me. “I told you to fucking leave.” I push the bathroom door open and watch her trying to pick up the lamp she knocked over.
“I’m so sorry. I tripped.” She replaces the lamp and looks away from me.
“Just go,” I say and watch her stumble again. Fucking bitch is clumsy.
“Yes, okay.” She reaches the door and hightails it out.
“Close the fucking door,” I shout but she doesn’t stop. Turning back to the bathroom, I storm back into the shower and try to forget about the last twenty-four hours. I don’t know why I’m so pissed. Normally after a night of booze and women, I’m able to shove my dreams way back down, even go back for round two, but tonight, I can’t get a handle on it.
Finishing my shower I stay naked, close the door the bitch left open, then throw myself back into bed. My room smells like sex, my sheets in need of a fucking wash, but I block it all out and hope come morning, the fucking dream is out of my head.
* * *
“Morning, fuckers.” I walk out to the kitchen the next morning to start my day, flashing my happy-go-fucking-lucky smile.
“What the fuck is good about this morning?” Nix grumbles and I remember the shit he was slurring last night.
“Yeah, what the fuck are you so happy about?” Beau asks, pouring himself a coffee.
“I know.” Holly smiles around a mouthful of toast.
“What would you know?” I accuse, hoping she doesn’t see through my shit.
“I know that smile is extra wide because of who you had in your bed last night.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Holly?” I move toward the coffee not in the mood to play her guessing game.
“I saw Nurse Bell doing the walk of shame last night.”
What the fuck?
“Nurse Bell?” Sy asks, looking up at his woman.
“Fuck off.” I shake my head thinking she’s fucking with me. That shit didn’t happen.
“Don’t deny it, Jesse.”
“That wasn’t Bell. That was…” I search for her name. “Gretchen. No Grace,” I say finally, remembering the small clumsy woman’s name.
“Jesse, I spoke to her for a few minutes.” She smiles like someone who just showed her trump card. “It was Bell.”
“It wasn’t Bell,” I repeat, forcing myself to try to remember her face. Jesus, fuck, I’m such a fucker I can’t even remember her face.
“It was. She was here with some friends,” Holly argues while I desperately try to remember. “I thought she looked familiar when she walked in,” Holly keeps talking, unaware of my inner turmoil. “She looks so different dressed up,” she says and it clicks.
Holy fuck. It was her. Fuck me, Nurse Bell. I fucked Nurse Bell? The woman who has played hard to get since I met her, the same woman I just kicked out of my bed hours ago.
“Are you okay, Jesse?” Sy asks, picking up on my panic, but I don’t answer. What’s there to say? I don’t even remember fucking her.
Fuck. How could I fuck this up so bad?
Six
BELL
“You jerked him off?” Lissy gasps and I know I shouldn’t have done this over the phone. I should have told her last night on our way home from the Knights Rebels’ clubhouse, but I was feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to get home and shower. I refused to talk about what happened with any of the girls, and when I woke this morning, at Lissy’s house, I snuck home before they could drill me again.
“Ugh, yes.”
“Oh, my God, is he huge? Was it good? What else happened?” She keeps the questions coming, but I don’t answer. I’m too busy playing the night over and over in my head. I knew when Jesse walked up to the blonde I was losing my chance to talk to him. It was like watching him slip through my fingers. I thought my chance was gone, then Lissy managed to get the blonde away, and Jesse crashed into me. I wasn’t expecting him to come on to me. I knew he was drunk. I watched him throw back way too many drinks, but it didn’t stop me from letting him take me to his room. Didn’t stop me from turning back to watch him touch himself. And I definitely didn’t stop myself from touching him. It was as if my body was on autopilot and I had no control.
“Hello, Earth to Bell. What else happened then?” Lissy asks again, breaking my train of thought.
“Nothing.” I keep my answer vague, hoping Lissy will find it boring enough to keep to herself, because the last thing I need is for the others to find out what happened. “You’re no fun, so why didn’t you tell him it was you?” She keeps asking the questions I keep rolling around in my head.
“I don’t know. I thought it would be easier.”
“Did you ask him about Paige?”
“No.”
“Why not?” she pushes¸ and I know she has a point pushing me. Someone has to. I just did what I did, and for what?
“Because he was drunk. He passed out and when he woke up, he kicked me out. Can we not talk about it anymore?” I snap. “I don’t want to relive the moment of him kicking me out again. Once was enough.”
“Bell.”
“Listen, I have to go. My shift starts back in ten.” I look at the clock, wishing my break lasted longer than forty-five minutes.
“Dinner at my house tomorrow. Don’t be late. The Hundred is on,” she responds, letting it go and I’m thankful. I need more time to get my head around what happened last night.
“Yep, how could I forget,” I tease. I know how much she loves our dinner and TV show nights.
“Love you, Bell.”
“Yeah, me too,” I reply and hang up. Standing from my table, I put my trash in the bin and head back for the rest of my shift.
“Hey, Bell, there’s a guy out in reception looking for you,” Tracy, a fellow nurse says, walking past me.
“Okay, thanks.” I nod and make my way to the reception desk. I’ve been working at Rushford Hospital for the last two years. I love it here. The smaller town hospital mea
ns I get a little more hands on than what other nurses get at the hospitals in the city. We work on a rotating roster and so far, emergency is by far my favorite.
“What is this hospital run by beautiful women?” I hear a familiar voice ask before I even take the corner.
Jesse.
I roll my eyes but don’t stop walking. There’s no point in hiding. They have already told him I’m on tonight. And if I can guess, I know why he’s here.
“Can I help you, Mr. Carter?” I ask before Marla, the young blonde and extremely beautiful nurse, can reply.
“Nurse Bell,” Jesse turns his head my way and his smile slides off his face, “or should I say Grace?” His eyes narrow and my suspicions are correct. He knows. I square my shoulders ready for his anger.
“What are you doing here?” I ignore the twinge of guilt from lying to him.
“We need to talk.” He steps forward and his eyes find my bruised cheek. “Fuck, Bell.” His hand moves to my face.
“Don’t,” I punch out, not ready for his touch. His hand halts mid air; hurt flutters over his face before he quickly hides it. “Not here.” I pull back and motion to a spare exam room. He nods and follows close behind me in silence.
“What do you want, Jesse?” I ask when I close the door behind us. Jesse moves in, backing me against the door. He towers over me, and I have to tilt my head up to keep him in my sight.
“What sort of game are you playing?” he asks, his eyes piercing mine. Long gone is the fun, cheeky man I’m used to with his lame jokes.
“I’m not playing anything.” I swallow my unease, overwhelmed by his presence.
“Grace? What the fuck is that shit?” He waits for my answer but I don’t have one. Shit, he’s right. I was playing a game, a dangerous one.
“It’s my middle name,” I reply, hoping it excuses some of my bullshit, but I know it won’t. I messed up badly.
“Fucking hell, Bell. I fucked you and I didn’t know it was you. Do you know how fucked up this is?”
“Well, first of all, you didn’t fuck me.” I use his crass words back at him and cross my arms in front of me. “And second, it’s not my fault you didn’t recognize me.”
“We didn’t fuck?”
“NO!” I shout, louder than needed. As if my humiliation isn’t enough, I have to convince the man we didn’t have sex.
“Oh, thank God.” He steps back and takes a large breath.
“Geez, don’t sound so relieved,” I quip, the sting of his insult a whiplash, making me recoil.
“Not like that.” He smiles, stepping in closer, his eyes catching my bruised cheek again.
“I did this.” His fingers move to my chin, forcing my face to hit the light.
“No, it was an accident.” I pull out of his hold before I start to like it.
“Bullshit, I know I did it. I remember things.” He shakes his head as if parts of the night are still coming back to him.
“Forget it. It’s no big deal.” I brush the night off, hating how awkward this feels between us.
Jesse’s eyes narrow at my blatant dismissal of the night. “No, I wish I remembered everything, because I know we did something, and it’s a crime to forget whatever we did.” He rests his head to mine and for a moment, we share an intimacy deeper than what happened last night. I don’t respond; instead, I let myself have the moment. What ever is going on between Jesse and me is only a fleeting moment. I won’t let myself get too deep.
“You willing to re-enact it for me, wearing this cute nurse’s outfit?” He breaks the moment. Warmth heats my face, and knowing he can see it, pushes me deeper into a red blush.
“Please, the lines need to stop,” I tell him, secretly liking them more and more. “I have to go back to work.” I try to move, but his body stops me from pushing off the wall.
“Why did you come to the club last night? Dressed like you were?” It’s a chance to tell him all about my plan, about Paige and how he might be able to help, but standing here now, I second-guess everything.
“No reason.” Another lie.
“Don’t lie to me. I want the truth, Bell.”
“It’s stupid. It’s over so forget about it.” I wish it were true, but there is no way I can tell Jesse.
“No, it’s not over. You’re not leaving this room until you tell me.” We hold each other’s stare for what feels like minutes, but in reality, it’s only been seconds before I cave. What’s wrong with me? I’m weak.
“Fine,” I huff. “I wanted to see if I could hire you. I didn’t plan on tricking you. The girls dressed me up, and when you didn’t recognize me, I felt braver talking to you,” I rush out and cringe as confusion etches every inch of his beautiful face.
“Hire me?”
“Hire the Knights Rebels,” I elaborate.
“Sweetheart, you don’t have to hire me or any of my brothers.” His smirk is full of confidence and lust, completely not understanding what I meant.
“Not like that, you idiot. I want to hire you to help find my sister.”
“Your sister?” He looks more confused and I know I’m not explaining myself properly.
“Yeah, umm, she’s missing.” The lump, which lives permanently in my throat whenever I talk about Paige, restricts my breathing. “I thought you might be able to help me.”
“We don’t really do that sort of thing, Bell.” He crushes my hope with one sentence.
“It’s just Lissy told me your club helps out people who need it,” I rush out, hoping Lissy didn’t get it wrong.
“We do. We help a few groups, but this sounds a bit different. How long has she been missing?”
“Six years,” I whisper. “She didn’t come home from work one night. She just vanished.” It still seems so fresh, so new, and brings tears to my eyes remembering the night.
“It’s not really our deal,” he repeats, and the small amount of hope I was holding onto flies away.
“I understand.” I try to keep my disappointment hidden but he notices.
“My brother, he’s a detective. Maybe I can have a word with him,” he offers, and the glimmer of hope ignites again.
“You would?” I ask, more excited than I should be. The local sheriff’s department were great to begin with, but as the years have gone on, they seem to have lost interest. Maybe a fresh set of eyes will help.
“Yeah, we can put some feelers out as well. Ask if anyone knows anything,”
“Oh, God, Jesse, that would be amazing.”
“I can’t promise anything, but we can see if anyone knows something.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but to me it’s huge.
“Thank you.” I step into him and throw my arms around him. He takes my arms, breaking my embrace and steps back.
“On one condition,” he adds, halting my excitement.
I stop and look up. “One condition?” I repeat back to him.
“You give me a do over, one night.”
“A do over?” I know I’m repeating everything, but I’m trying to process it all. He might still be able to help, but on one condition. Is he propositioning me? “You want me to sleep with you?” I gather my assumption and put it back on him.
“Don’t sound so shocked. I‘ve made it clear how much fucking you would please me, Bell.”
“Please you?”
“One night. One night and I’ll help you find your sister,” he repeats, and I have to shove down the unease forming in my stomach.
“I won’t sleep with you, Jesse, if that’s what you’re asking.” I need to make myself clear. I can’t. There’s no way. Would I?
“Who said anything about sleeping, Bell?”
“A date?” I ask, unsure what he’s implying.
“I don’t date either.”
“Well, I don’t fuck, as you put it so charmingly,” I counter, not getting where he’s heading. He holds my stare before a broad smile crosses his face.
“Are you sure, Bell? In my dreams, you fuck real good.”
�
�Ugh, your lines are not impressive, Jesse,” I tell him, almost laughing at how lame he is. He shrugs, as if he doesn’t care and holds my stare. I don’t budge, knowing I’m not ready for what he’s suggesting. I might have walked way out of my comfort zone over the weekend, but it was a one-time deal. Nothing else.
“Fine, a date,” he finally agrees, conceding to my terms, but I know his game. Jesse Carter might say he doesn’t play games, but the man is the biggest player around.
“No sex,” I add, shutting it down before it it’s thrown on the table.
“Never say never, Bell,”
“I didn’t say never. I said no.” I keep my face straight and will any blushing away.
“You won’t be saying no by the time I’m done with you. That’s a promise.” I try not to think about his promise, but questions start to creep in. Would I let this man between my legs? My head says no but my body doesn’t know what to think about it right now. How far am I willing to go for Paige? Could I sacrifice this part of me? I shake my head clear of thoughts of Paige. This is more than Paige. This is on me. I might not be ready to admit it, but as much as I want to say it’s for her, I’d be lying.
I just need to remember the bigger picture here.
Paige.
I will do anything for her.
Anything.
Seven
Jesse
“So, do you think you can put the word out?” I ask Beau the next day after our weekly club meet. I left Bell at the hospital yesterday relieved I didn’t fuck her, but also disappointed. I don’t know what my hang up with her is about, but it’s like every time I get near her, my brain short circuits and I forget she is not my type at all.
“I’ll put the word out, but if I were you, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Six years is a long fucking time. Any info I get or Tiny gets, might not be accurate.” I nod, understanding what he’s saying, but I know Beau; he’ll do his best to get what he needs.
“Just see what you can find out,” I say, knowing it’s going to be a waste of time, but I would feel like an asshole for telling Bell I would help, to then not follow through.