My choice.
Ryder
As soon as Elizabeth’s tongue touches mine, I’m fucking done for. My desire for her overrides my conscience, and to repeat what she said to me earlier tonight, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this. Tired of always being the one to walk away. Tired of watching Jay take what should have been mine. Because she’s always been mine, even when she wasn’t. If this is my one opportunity to kiss her the way I have fantasized about, the way I crave to, I’m taking it. Consequences be damned. Jayson be damned.
I seize control of our kiss. Elizabeth needs to know what I’ve been holding back all these years. What could be hers if she takes the chance if she takes that leap with me. So I lay myself bare and exposed to her, giving her everything I have in me with this kiss.
I clasp her neck to angle her head, delving deeper into her warm, luscious mouth. She tastes like sunshine and sweet nectar, and I’m instantly addicted. I suck and nibble, devour and tease, each stroke of my tongue with hers causing an explosion of lust and desire. I want more and apparently so does she.
“Don’t stop, Ryder,” she pants breathlessly before we attack each other’s lips again. Her little mewling moans are driving me fucking crazy.
I stand up with her clinging to me, her mouth ravenous as it licks and kisses along my neck and face. She’s as hungry for me as I am for her. And I’m not going to stop. Our bodies slam up against the wall, pressing so intimately together, you wouldn’t be able to tell where she begins and I end.
“Yes,” she gasps and grabs at my shirt yanking at it. “Off. I need this off. Right now.”
With my weight pressing against her soft curves, I lift her higher with one arm, while reaching behind for my shirt collar with my other hand and pulling it over. Her light green eyes spark with desire. Once my torso is completely exposed and bare for her, she releases her grip from around my neck to explore. Her hands mold to every inch of my chest, mapping every muscle and dip she finds.
“I’ve always loved looking at you, but this is so much better,” she mumbles, a tinge of awe in her voice.
It makes me feel like a fucking god. She splays her hands over my upper torso and rubs her thumbs across my hardened nipples. My cock jumps and expands painfully behind my zipper, begging to be buried deep inside of her. Elizabeth reaches down and lifts the hem of her shirt up, eyes like wicked green fire lighting me up, daring me to touch her. A flash of red catches my attention, and like flames doused with cold water, my conscience rears its ugly head and tells me to stop.
“Elizabeth, we can’t.” God, that’s so painful to say. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
“What?”
Because I’m a bastard, I press one last kiss to the top of her half-covered breast before I release her. I guide her long legs that were wrapped around my waist slowly down until she’s able to stand. “We need to stop.”
“Why?” she sounds hurt.
I gently tug her shirt back down into place and carefully pull at the chain I know is dangling under her shirt between her breasts. I lift it out and pinch Jayson’s promise ring between my fingers making sure she sees it. The four red rubies mock me, reminding me Elizabeth is not mine to take.
“This is why.”
She looks down at it and covers my fingers with her own. “That’s bullshit. Jayson isn’t the only one I promised myself to. I gave my love freely to Julien and to you as well. You stole a piece of my heart the first day I met you. The day you sat beside me on the rug in class. The day you made me laugh in the library. My heart has been as much yours as Jayson’s since the day we met. And I’m done letting everyone make decisions for me. I won’t do it anymore. How do I know what I want if I’m never given a choice, never given a chance to decide for myself? Maria was right.” That takes me by surprise, but Elizabeth continues before I’m able to say anything. “She said I was selfish. That I wanted everything but was willing to give up nothing. In a way she’s right.”
Elizabeth clutches my shirt in her fists as if to beg. “I want you, Ryder. I want to be able to explore what this is between us. I don’t want to live in anymore what ifs. Watching Marshall try and run you off the track last night…something snapped inside me. The thought of losing you, of not having you in my life,” she chokes up, not able to continue.
My pulse is hammering so hard it shakes my body. The words my dad said to me a long time ago come back to the forefront of my memories once again. He told me that Elizabeth needed to be given time to figure out what she wanted. She needed to be allowed a chance to choose her future.
“What about Jayson?”
“I love Jayson. I love him so much. I need him.”
The dreams that were beginning to swirl and morph scatter at her words, but then re-form when she brings her lips up to mine and says, “But I love you too. I need you too. There is no future for me without all three of you. I need this Ryder. I need to know our what if. Things can’t continue the way they are now. Me with Jayson but wanting you too.”
“Jayson isn’t going to sit back and allow you to be with me and not him. You know that. And I’m not sneaking behind his or Julien’s backs.”
“I know, and I’m not asking you to. This is so fucked up.”
“What do you need, Elizabeth?”
“I honestly think I need some time. I need time to think about what I want and make a decision. A decision that I choose.”
“How much time do you think you’ll need to decide?” I’ve been waiting for Elizabeth for almost ten years. I can wait a little longer.
“I don’t know. It’s not fair to either of you for me to be in such limbo. Jayson wants me to live with him when we go to college. He’s making all these plans for our future and as much as I want it with him, it feels like I have no say in the matter and everything is out of my control.”
“You know I’ll wait for you. However long you need.” I open my arms to her and she slips inside the embrace, her head resting against my heart.
“Thank you, Ryder. I appreciate that with every fiber of my being. What happens with us if I do choose to stay with Jayson and not you?”
“If you haven’t noticed already, I’m not going anywhere. If we’re destined to be just friends, then we’ll be the best damn friends we can possibly be. Like you told me once, I’d rather live in a world with you in it than not. Do I want more with you? Fuck yes. But loving someone means you set them free to make their own choices and be around to support those choices. And I love you, Elizabeth.”
Her breath hitches and tears spring to her eyes. “That’s the first time you have ever said that out loud to me.”
Because I can’t resist any longer, I pull her face up to mine and kiss her. “I do love you. No matter what happens. No matter who you choose.”
We hold each other like that for a while, suspended in our own reality that not even time can penetrate. When four a.m. rolls around, I help Elizabeth into her car and promise to come by at six and see her in the morning before school. I only have to wait two hours. I can do that.
Chapter 24
Elizabeth
I’m so mentally exhausted by the time I get home. I had shut off my phone when I dashed inside the car and drove off last night. I turn it on to see it’s flooded with text messages and voice mails. I need some sleep before I try and tackle anything else today, but won't get any since I'll have to leave for school in a couple of hours. Perhaps I'll skip today and stay home.
Walking to the side of the house, I look up at Jayson and Julien’s window. It’s down and the drapes are closed. Their house is dark and quiet so everyone must be asleep. I hope everything went well with Freda and Mitch. I know their parents will accept Julien for who he is, just like Jayson did.
Jayson.
The boy I have loved since I was six. The boy I shared all my firsts with. The boy I gave myself to. I wouldn’t change one single thing. If the world was different and I was able to be with both Jayson and Ryder, that wo
uld solve all my problems, but that world doesn’t exist. I need time to decide if the future Jayson has already mapped out for us is the future I want, or if I want a new future with Ryder. No matter what I decide, at least it will be my decision and mine alone.
I stumble a bit up the porch steps, every muscle in my body tired. I get my key out of my purse and unlock the door, and then close and re-lock it once inside. The house is pitch black. I stop. The hairs on the back of my neck go up and a strange feeling like adrenaline being pumped directly into my bloodstream comes over me. Before I’m even able to register movement, I'm tackled hard to the ground, my arms and legs pinned down. I open my mouth to scream but a deep voice cuts me off.
“Welcome home, Elizabeth.”
A pain shoots across my head and everything goes black.
My head is throbbing as I try to open my eyes. It’s dark so my pupils don’t have to adjust much, but they still hurt when I get them to fully open. Why does my head hurt so bad? I try to reach up to touch my temple when I realize my hands won’t move. What the hell? I try to move my legs and arms and get nothing. Fear and panic overtake me. I yell out and move around but it’s no use. There’s something covering my mouth, duct tape, I think. And my arms and legs are bound to one of the dining room chairs. Even though I’m screaming, hardly a sound escapes the tape around my mouth. I buck and rock in the chair. It topples over sideways with me trapped in it. My side and head hit the floor and more pain explodes inside my body.
“Oh, good. You’re awake.” Black tennis shoes appear in front of my eyes before hands roughly lift me up, chair and all, so I’m upright again.
“I’m running out of time,” the voice speaks to me. Terror fills me as the sharp edge of a knife is dragged up my middle like a caress, sliding up between my breasts, and under my chin.
The man nicks the knife under my jaw and I jump in response. “Look what you made me do, Elizabeth.” I can already feel blood trickling down my neck, the small slice of skin stinging. “I said look!” he bellows. I don’t know what he wants me to look at. What is happening? Why is he doing this to me? Oh, god, where are my parents? Where’s Hailey? I try to capture images of his face, what he’s wearing, anything that I can give to the police if I’m able to make it out of here alive. He’s tall, about Ryder’s height. He’s wearing all black, a black face mask covering his hair and face. Even with the dim light, I’m able to see the color of his irises. His pupils are blown but the rims around each are visible. One light blue, one brown.
I whimper and try to tell him I don’t know what he’s talking about when he jerks my chin up and steps to the side. I try to look away from the utter horror I see, but he won’t allow me to turn my face. Across from where I sit tied to the chair, lying motionless on the living room floor, are my parents. There’s enough light coming in the room from the streetlamps outside for me to see the carpet is painted in a halo of dark crimson. My mother’s vacant, cloudy eyes are staring at me, my father next to her, his face I can’t see. I scream behind the duct tape, thrashing around wildly, desperate to get to them, to save them, even though I already know they’re both dead.
“Good. You now see, my sweet Elizabeth. But that’s not all I have to show you.” He releases my face and walks over to the pantry and opens it.
I hear a loud thump and then a noise like something’s being dragged across the floor. The man appears in front of me again, his hand fisted around Hailey’s hair as he tugs her limp, naked body in front of me and tosses her down on the floor. Her body is covered in cuts, bruises, and burn marks and if she didn’t make a tiny moaning sound when she hit the floor, I would have thought she was dead too. I vomit inside my mouth but there’s nowhere for it to go, so I'm forced to swallow it back down - the burning, acrid taste making me gag and wanting to vomit all over again.
The man starts talking frantically, his words a jumble my mind is having trouble processing. I ignore him and focus on Hailey. Get up! Get up Hailey! My muffled words plead to her. Get up!
The man bends down and flips Hailey over on her stomach. Her muscles twitch but she remains motionless, her skin sticky with dried blood. I’m watching my sister die right before my eyes and am helpless to do anything about it. Hot, overpowering rage rises up aimed at the man in front of me as he hovers over Hailey. If I can just get free, I will rip every bone from his body. A pinkish orange hue passes over Hailey’s pallid, blood-streaked skin. The early morning sun filters through the windows. Ryder said he would come by this morning. Ryder will save me. I just have to hold on until he gets here.
“Do you see now, Elizabeth? Your pathetic sister thinking she could take your place.”
He’s not making any sense. If I thought seeing my parents dead on the floor and my sister’s life draining out of her right in front me was enough to break me, what he does next obliterates me leaving nothing but a husk of myself remaining.
The man lowers his zipper and climbs on top of Hailey’s back as she lies prone on her stomach not moving. This is not happening, this is not happening. This can’t be happening. I watch helpless as he plunges the knife into Hailey’s side over and over as he rapes her right in front of me and my mind fractures. I scream so loud and so long and so hard that my vocal cords shatter. Tears pour down my face clouding my vision and mixing with the blood covering my neck.
The man grunts and then a minute or two pass by. I hear movement before the sound of water splashing and the smell of urine assail my senses. I realize in horror that he’s urinating on my sister. Next, I feel the knife slide across my leg bindings. A second of clarity hits me. This may be my only chance to escape.
“Don’t you see, Elizabeth? She wanted to be you. Stupid bitch.”
Once my legs are unbound, I rear my head back and smash it into the top of his head as hard as I can. Jesus, fuck! That hurt.
I hear him yowl in pain as dizziness swamps me. Using my legs, I push down with all my might in order to stand up and run but my arms are still tied to the chair. The man grabs my ankle and I careen into the dining room table, striking the side of my face against the wooden edge, the chair shattering.
“Why, Elizabeth! Why did you do that!” the man is spitting and screaming at me.
He tries to straddle me like he did Hailey and I lose it. I fight with everything in me, kicking, biting, thrashing. Voices from outside can be heard and I try to scream but no sound comes out. Just a gurgling noise like coffee percolating. My head lulls to the side in time to see the man pull the knife out from the side of my chest.
He croons to me in a soft voice. “Shh, Elizabeth. It will all be better soon.” He slides the knife into me again and kisses me softly. “My sweet Elizabeth.” He gets up off of me and I hear his footsteps running toward the back of the house.
My body is floating and I feel no pain. I try to take in a labored breath, but it’s too hard to pull in air, like my lungs aren’t working properly. My eyes track to the dining room window searching for Jayson’s window, but the old oak tree is in the way.
Jayson. I see my swing and remember the Valentine’s Day Jayson gave it to me. The night he made love to me for the very first time. My gorgeous silver-eyed boy. The love of my life. Memories of Jayson and all our next times float in rapid succession across my vision. I think of my jar of stars as I try to touch the chain around my neck wanting to feel my promise ring.
Daddy. I feel my dad’s arms wrap around me. I’m sitting in his lap. His hands cover mine as he helps me pluck the guitar strings. I hear his deep voice singing to me. I hear him call me puddin’. Mom. I can feel my mom’s love. She wraps it around my body just like she wrapped me in hugs every day. Her soft whispers telling me it’s going to be alright.
Hailey. Oh, God. Hailey. I try to slide my hand across the blood-slicked floor to reach her. My vision fades out, then back in. A gurgling cough erupts from my throat and I taste something thick and metallic.
I blink. Julien. So handsome and brave, his smiling face hanging upside down f
rom the tree branch in front of our old tree fort. Julien, in his grey tux as he dips me in front of the Eifel Tower. My best friend.
“Elizabeth! Are you in here?”
That’s my sweet Ryder’s voice. I picture us in his car, the wind in my hair, his golden amber eyes always filled with love when he looks at me. How free I feel when I am with him. How he kissed me and held me.
My beautiful, wonderful boys. My three princes. I’ve lived a lifetime of happiness with them by my side. My family.
Wait, no. Not all of my family. My parents. My sister. Gone. He killed them. Why did he kill them?
There’s a tug on my body and I hear Ryder’s voice, faint and far away, calling my name. My eyes are too heavy to open and my limbs won’t work. I hear Jayson’s voice. I need to tell them before the darkness takes me away. I need more time. I can’t leave them. I’m not ready.
Ryder’s frantic golden eyes swim in front my vision. With the last breath I can muster, I rasp out, “I love you.”
Chapter 25
Jayson
After a shitty night tossing and turning, I’m fucking tired and running on fumes. As I’ve said before, my parents are just plain awesome. Elijah and I sat with Julien as he told our parents about their relationship. Of course, both Mom and Dad welcomed Elijah into our family with open arms, and Mom insisted Elijah stay for dinner. It was good, real good, to see my brother happy and relaxed. Like finally, for the first time, he was able to dump the weight of the world from his shoulders and just be in the moment. After dinner, we all played a board game and then watched a movie. Elijah left around midnight and Julien and I stayed up for a couple more hours talking. We both conked out on the sofa. Not the most comfortable place to sleep, hence the restless night.
All Our Next Times: Fallen Brook Series: Book 1 Page 27