I followed little Toby again, watched him stumble and fall, and saw his bottom lip tremble when he realised he was lost. And as he reached his final resting place, I watched him think, take off his green hat, and lay it on the ground before he stepped inside, away from sight.
I almost curled up beside him again, but before I could get comfortable I stood by the now barely smouldering fire. Why did they let it go out? The darkness enclosed around me, and I rubbed my hands vigorously to get the blood rushing.
Crowds of people darted around, shouting words I couldn’t hear clearly through the commotion. The sounds of crying nearby squeezed my heart, their desperation evident. Was it still the same night? It had to be. This much panic could only mean one thing. Fear for the little lost boy, and a hope he’d be found quickly, but in that moment I realised, along with everyone else who had no clue where to find little Toby, I also had no idea where he’d ended up. The only advantage over anyone else was the knowledge that he’d left his hat out to be found, but that was it; I still didn’t know how to get to him.
My heart raced with dread. The thought of time ticking away bringing us closer to his eventual death made my stomach roll. I didn’t want this responsibility. What if this didn’t work? What if I couldn’t save him after all? Panic set in, my eyes shot around, frantic.
‘Do something!’ Come on, people. I darted from person to person, in the hope I’d find some sign of progress being made. Police officers and volunteers, some in uniform, some not, stood around, but no one was doing a damn thing.
‘Okay, everyone, if you can all gather round for a moment.’ Finally. ‘We’ve ascertained that Toby is somewhere in this vicinity.’ The police officer pointed to a large map spread over a makeshift table.
I tried to peer over a shoulder to get a closer look. ‘It’s been three hours since he wandered off, so we need to act quickly. The parents have already searched nearby, so we need to go further afield. We’ll split into three groups. Harrison, you take your team down toward the creek over here. Berson, you search here.’ He circled the map with a pen. ‘And I’ll take my men down into the gulley over here. This isn’t going to be easy. It’s dark out tonight and the rain is only gonna get heavier. Stay safe everyone.’
In my frenzy I hadn’t noticed; water rushed down my forehead onto my nose and into the corners of my mouth, I wished for the full weatherproof coveralls those around me wore.
People started to move away. I stepped toward the table to get a glimpse of the map, but it was useless. I had no idea where he’d gone, how far we’d walked, but then I remembered the creek. With no clue how far from there he’d travelled before he eventually stopped I likely had no more chance at sniffing him out than anyone else, but I still decided to follow Harrison and his team as they headed out.
The glow from the torches crisscrossed, and people called out desperately for Toby, myself included, even though I couldn’t be heard.
Rain fell all night; big, fat drops in an endless stream that soaked right through my thin layer of clothing within minutes. My hair hung wet in my eyes, and I struggled to keep my footing in the mud.
The temperature dropped further and brought with it a cold wind that pierced my sodden skin. My teeth chattered and my body shook hard. The wind grew fierce and whistled in my ears. I couldn’t hear anything other than the shrieking gusts around me. The trees bent and crackled. Branches and leaves whipped me in the face, stinging my eyes.
I groaned. I’d made a mistake. I should’ve stopped him from going out with his dad to begin with, not just put a hat out. This wasn’t Hansel and Gretel, it was real life. I cursed my stupidity. Tears mixed with the rain and mud on my face, and I fell once more.
Daylight arrived, and new people joined the search. I ached for some dry clothes and followed one of the new groups as they headed out. I counted ten people, each with fresh motivation. They moved fast, and my drenched self struggled to keep up with them. Although the thick mud slowed us down, we still covered more ground than we had during the night.
I climbed upon a huge, dead tree lying on the ground. The rain continued to fall, and my feet slipped on the log, but I managed to stand and take in a wider view. That’s when I saw it. The little green hat, drenched and almost entirely covered in mud, right beside the hole where Toby hid. They needed to look here, but the men were walking further away. I spun around. Maybe more volunteers would be coming from the other direction.
My feet slid and sent me sideways, and I plunged toward the ground. My shoulder hit the log with a jarring force, but I reached my arms out in front of me in time to stop my head from smashing into the ground. The side of my face squelched into the soft mud, followed by my body and legs, and I lay in a crumpled heap covered completely in the thick, brown sludge.
I craned my neck, lifted my heavy body out of the mud, and yelled with everything left in me.
‘Aaahhh!’ I screamed until my head hurt. ‘He’s over there!’ I pointed. Spinning round, I called in every direction, but it was useless, no one could hear me. I wasn’t really here. ‘Don’t go. He’s right here. Come back,’ I whimpered. I was Rose, they were the lifeboats. I wished I had a whistle.
My throat stung, my tears falling in an unrelenting stream.
It didn’t work. I’d failed him.
The rain drowned out the sound of a man, but as he walked past me, almost through me, and headed in the right direction, I collapsed again. Relief washed over me with the rain.
I lifted myself up and followed him, my eyes blurry. He stopped, picked up the hat, shot his eyes around, and began yanking at one of the branches.
He spotted Toby. ‘He’s here! I’ve found him.’ Then realising his useless attempt to be heard over the weather, snatched out his radio.
He returned to the boy, and in his desperation to reach him, became a madman as he pulled and pushed at the branches.
‘Toby. You’re safe, Toby.’
I stayed while Toby’s limp body was carried onto the stretcher and up into the sky away from harm. I watched from a distance, comforted by his safety even as my body shuddered and the lingering tears made tracks down my mud-stained face.
I shivered beneath my heavy blankets, no warmer than if I’d stayed rain-drenched in my dream, sniffing as the tears continued to roll down my cheeks onto my pillow. I whimpered into the air and carried with me the chills of the cold night as I tossed back the covers and stumbled to the bathroom. I turned on the hot tap in the shower, and contentment spilled over me as warm water ran over my body. I scrubbed at my muddy face, but the water ran clear.
It was almost six when I returned to my room. I flipped open my laptop and typed two words into the browser – ‘Toby McPherson’.
It had happened recent enough to be the top story. I clicked on the article from two days ago.
‘Missing six-year-old Toby McPherson has been found this afternoon after an almost twenty-four hour search. The boy had been missing in the Blue Mountains since late Saturday afternoon. Search and rescue teams have kept up a constant search since Saturday evening, fearing for his safety as temperatures dropped severely overnight and heavy rain fell. The boy has been airlifted to safety and remains in a stable condition at the Prince of Wales hospital in Sydney.’
I shuddered as I recalled the mud and bitter cold and my heightened doubt at my ability. The knowledge that I could change it had given me an intense pressure to truly make it happen. I visualised Toby’s sweet, round face, and smiled widely and triumphantly to myself – he was alive.
I’d saved him.
I punched the air. ‘I did it.’
*****
I rushed to catch up to Tyler. I wanted to talk to him before we had the others around. ‘I did it.’ I jumped in front of him and skipped backwards along the path. My smile from earlier still stretched across my face, the elation of saving Toby giving me a bigger high than a bag full of jelly beans.
Tyler laughed. ‘Did what?’ He crooked a hand under his bag strap,
and I fell into place beside him.
‘Saved him, the hat worked. They found him.’ I hopped a little in my step.
Tyler scrunched his brows, the lines around his eyes deepening. ‘What are you talking about?’
My stomach lurched. I sucked in a breath and stopped walking.
‘Woah.’ Tyler grabbed hold of my arms. ‘Are you all right? And don’t say perfectly fine.’
I pressed a hand to my forehead. ‘You don’t remember any of it, do you?’ Of course he didn’t. Why did I think he would?
‘If I knew what you were talking about, I might be able to answer that better.’
‘Toby,’ I said slowly, peering directly into his eyes, imploring him to remember. ‘The little boy lost in the wood. I’m Batman, you’re Robin. You helped me figure it out. He left his hat out?’
The confusion on Tyler’s face told me everything. ‘I have no idea why you’re Batman and not me, but sure.’ He let out a laugh, cutting it off abruptly, probably from my glare. ‘Are you talking about the kid from last weekend? The one who got lost?’
‘Yes!’ Finally. But he wasn’t remembering anything we’d discussed about it. He was only remembering the updated news headlines. ‘Aargh.’ I slapped my forehead. Where had all our conversations gone? And why couldn’t I remember the new pieces that filled these blanks?
I tugged on Tyler’s hand and dragged him around the corner to a bench attached to the orange brick building. I told him all the parts of the story I’d erased because of my dream, and watched his face go from concern and confusion to understanding and pride.
‘Incredible.’
‘It is. But damn frustrating too. How am I supposed to act in a conversation when I can’t remember half of what people are talking about? If this keeps happening I’m gonna have to seriously work on my poker face.’ I slid my hands through my hair and groaned.
He laughed. ‘You’ve mastered “perfectly fine”, I’m sure you’ll manage the “in the know” look just as well.’
‘I haven’t mastered “perfectly fine”.’ I nudged him in the side. ‘You had me figured out straight away.’
‘I’m just special.’
‘True.’ I shook my head, trying to figure it all out, straighten out the bumps and gain control of this new way forward. ‘Actually, you’re the only one who I talk to about this stuff, so you’ll be the only one who can’t remember the conversations.’
‘So in a lot of ways it’ll be just as hard for me.’
‘Um, yeah.’
‘All good. I am your sidekick after all.’ He wrapped his arm around me, and I leaned into him. ‘So who’s next? Who will you save now?’
‘I have to go back and save Granny Tess’s friend.’
‘The lady in the fire?’
‘Yeah. I know how to do it. I just have to do it again now that it’ll definitely come true.’
The bell sounded.
‘And I won’t have any memory of this tomorrow, will I?’
‘I don’t think so, no.’
‘And what about this?’ He pressed his lips to mine. ‘Will I remember this?
I laughed against his mouth. ‘I hope so.’
*****
‘These are for you.’ I held out a small bunch of white daisies for Sally. They weren’t much, nothing extravagant, a simple gesture. She lifted a hand to her mouth and the other clasped hold of the flowers.
Tears sprang to her eyes and she pressed them to her chest. ‘When we talked about moving here, we wanted to get a place with a little bit of land, pretend we were farming people.’ She let out a little laugh and sniffed. ‘I wanted a cottage garden. With paths and flowers, and Charles said he’d plant me a whole heap of white daisies, because that’s what you have in cottage gardens, right.’ Her lips lifted with a quiver, but no happiness flashed behind her smile. She wasn’t remembering a fond memory; she was grieving a lost one. One that would never be.
My heart tightened. I blinked back my own tears. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, please don’t be.’ She placed her hand on my arm. ‘These are perfect, truly perfect. Thank you.’
‘I’ll plant you some daisies,’ Tyler said.
‘You wouldn’t know how to garden to save your life.’ She swatted him on the arm and reached into a cupboard for a vase. ‘But thank you.’
Later that night, after we’d eaten dinner – burritos again – because I enjoyed them so much the other time apparently, we helped clean up and retreated to Tyler’s room.
I slumped into his desk chair. ‘She didn’t seem too bad today.’
‘There’s only so many bad days a person can put out. I think the flowers made her happy.’ Tyler propped himself against his headboard.
‘Really? I thought they upset her more.’
‘Nah, I reckon they gave her something nice to think about.’ His gaze drifted away and the room fell silent.
I lifted and wedged my foot under my knee, toying with the hem on my pants. ‘Why didn’t you get the house with the land? If that’s what they’d wanted, this is far from that.’
He rubbed his fists along his thighs. ‘Dunno. Maybe it was too hard, I’m not sure. I’m gonna plant those flowers though. Gotta be a video on Youtube. Shouldn’t be too hard. I can’t bring him back, but I can give her that at least.’ He looked away to the blackened window and the few bright stars visible through the glass.
My throat constricted. Did he think I could bring him back? I knew I couldn’t, not without knowing how the plane went down. And even then, could I – would I? I slid out of my seat and hopped onto the bed, the mattress sinking when I lowered myself beside him.
I opened one of his fisted hands and twined my fingers with his. ‘I wish I could bring him back for you.’
He sighed heavily. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.’ His thumb grazed the back of my fingers, and with tenderness in his eyes, he brushed the hair behind my ear. ‘I know you can’t.’
I rested my head on the soft spot under his shoulder, my ear pressing above the steady beat of his heart.
‘You know, I always thought I’d give anything to have my dad back, to see his face again, hear his laugh, see Mum laugh again. But I don’t think I could anymore. Not if having him back means I never met you.’ Tyler twisted to face me, his eyes glistening with tears. ‘I’m terrible for thinking it, and it makes me feel sick to say it, but I don’t think I could give you up.’
‘You don’t have to. You’re not going anywhere.’ I couldn’t bear to think of the alternative. I swallowed back the ball of unease in my throat and patted his leg. ‘Especially before we’ve got you on the slopes.’
*****
‘You’re gonna love it.’ I squeezed Tyler’s hand. We sat in the back of Jake’s van as we wound up the road toward heaven.
‘I know. Although I’m slightly worried you guys’ve given me a false sense of confidence by telling me I’ll be a natural.’
‘Nah, you’ll be fine. Besides, your teacher’s one of the best around.’ I grinned sideways at him, my legs jiggling from the cold and excitement at finally being able to share the mountain with him.
‘Really? You don’t think her good looks might be a bit of a distraction?’
‘It’s possible. But if you’re that easily distracted we might have to find you someone else.’
Sean leaned forward and talked across me. ‘Happy to be of assistance.’
‘Thanks, mate, but I’ll pass,’ Tyler said, and turned his attention back to me. ‘He doesn’t look half as good as you in ski pants.’ I couldn’t hold back my smile that escalated into laughter.
Tyler was a natural. His surfing skills translated almost perfectly onto the snowboard. The afternoon passed with the expected falls and frustrated curse words, and by the time Saturday rolled around and we returned for his second lesson, he managed to glide down the slopes with an ease most would take a lot longer to master.
Colourful tourists and locals dotted the side of the mountain, muc
h more than earlier in the week. I preferred the less obstacle-laden courses a little further afield, but this period would be temporary. I could tell from Tyler’s determination we wouldn’t be stuck on the packed learners slope for long.
We sat in the snow at the top of the slope, almost ready for another run.
‘Oh, hey, since you didn’t ask, because you don’t remember it, I cracked another one the other night,’ I said, tightening the clip on my boot. I’d called Granny Tess the moment I woke. I could hear the agitation in her voice as she tried to recall a fire at Beverly’s place, and then her ecstasy when the realisation hit her. And even though Tyler was clueless, I still wanted to tell him. ‘An old lady who died in a fire. Granny Tess’s friend actually. You helped me with that one.’
We were a seriously cool superhero team.
‘You’re welcome?’ He turned to me with a vacant look in his eyes before lighting up. ‘And since you didn’t ask…hang on. When did she die, I mean, not die?’
‘Oh God, I don’t know, maybe two months ago?’
‘Right, so you’ve missed out on a bit then, it’s a shame you missed it really.’ He had a straight face, serious eyes, and I gave him my rapt attention even though I hadn’t missed a thing. Nothing except the conversations involving the accidents or dreams ever changed. It didn’t stop Tyler’s charade though. ‘Everything was pretty ordinary until yesterday when I had a chopper come pick us up from school, take us to the top of that mountain over there and drop us off.’ He pointed into the distance, an adorable smirk on his face.
I tried to keep a straight face.
‘It was incredible,’ he said.
‘Of course it was.’
‘I beat you down the mountain…in case you’d forgotten.’
‘Okay, now I know you’re lying. Helicopters I’d believe, you beating me – never.’
‘Never say never.’
We hauled ourselves off the ground and carved our way down the small incline of the beginners run.
‘Speed up, Pops,’ I yelled as I curved my board around Tyler and stopped in front of him. He wobbled, arms flailing at his sides, before he grabbed hold of me and yanked us both to the ground. We threw our heads back, our cackles mingling with the chorus of yells and laughter on the mountain.
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