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There was a soft knock at the door.
I sat up, my heart pounding. I knew instantly that it was Seb, and I hated the relief that rushed through me; it seemed to validate every accusation Alex had flung at me. But I couldn’t help it – I really needed someone right then, and I should have known Seb would sense it, and that he’d be here. That nothing would keep him away.
I’d hardly even known I was crying, but there seemed to be streaks of dampness on my cheeks. I wiped my face and swung my feet off the bed; as I started across the dorm, I scraped my hair back with both hands. It was probably standing up in wild, burning spikes, like a bunch of lit matches.
When I opened the door, Seb stood in the hallway with his hands tight in his jeans pockets, his brown curls tousled. His gaze scanned me worriedly. “Can I come in?”
Oh god, I am so glad to see you. Please, can you just hold me for a while, and let me turn into a blubbering mess on your shoulder? With an effort, I didn’t say it. I nodded and opened the door wider. As he stepped inside I hesitated, then closed it behind him. Regardless of what anyone might think, I needed privacy right now; what was going on between me and Alex was nobody else’s business.
We sat on my bed; I leaned against the wall. For a few minutes neither of us spoke, and it was such a relief – to be with someone who understood me so totally without words.
“So, this pretty much sucks,” I said at last.
Seb grimaced. “It’s because of me that you fought, isn’t it? You don’t have to answer,” he added dryly. “Everyone heard. Half of them could hardly wait to tell me about it. ”
Great. I gripped my arms. “I can’t really blame him for being upset,” I said. “He’s just found out that—” I stopped. I’d never mentioned to Seb that I could sense him even when he wasn’t around. Heat swept my skin.
“Oh,” said Seb softly, picking up the thought from me. “That – can’t be easy for him, I guess. ” His tone was neutral; I knew he didn’t like Alex much more than Alex liked him.
“Is it the same for you?” I asked after a pause. I felt shy suddenly. “With me, I mean?”
Seb nodded slowly. He was sitting on the bed with one foot on the floor, the other leg bent at the knee in front of him. “Even when I’m not thinking about you, you’re always in my head somehow. ” He gave a small shrug. “With anyone else in the world, it would be too much. But with you, it just seems. . . natural. ”
It was exactly how I felt. Oh god, I could see why Alex was so upset. What if he had this with Kara?
“I don’t know if it’s because we’re both half-angel, or—” Seb shook his head. “Perhaps it’s a mix,” he said. Though he’d left out a thought, I knew what he meant. Some of this had to be from being half-angel and psychic, but maybe it was enhanced by just – who we were. The closeness we shared.
“How were things left between you and Alex?” asked Seb finally. “What was said at the end?”
I gave a short laugh, swiping at my eyes. They seemed to be leaking again. “A lot of things that hopefully weren’t meant. ” Because Alex couldn’t seriously expect me to shun Seb’s company, could he? The only other half-angel I knew?
Seb sat silently, studying my face. “Willow. . . would it be easier for you if I leave?”
I went very still. No – please, please, no. “Leave?” I echoed.
“It’s me being here in the house that’s making things so bad, yes?” He stroked a tear from my cheek with a finger that couldn’t have been gentler. “I don’t want you to cry any more, querida, you see?”
Even through my mental turbulence, I could sense Seb’s mixed emotions: how much he hated seeing me unhappy, versus what he hoped could happen between the two of us. Remembering Alex’s words, and the look that had been on Seb’s face just that afternoon, my chest clenched. Oh god, I didn’t want Seb to be in love with me. I didn’t want him to be unhappy because of me, ever, not in any way.
“It doesn’t matter what’s easiest for me,” I choked out. “What matters is – I don’t want to be unfair to you, Seb. I can’t ask you to stay just because I want you here. Not when I don’t. . . ” I trailed off. It was the first time I’d told him, however indirectly, that I knew how he felt about me. It was practically the first time I’d really admitted it to myself.
He knew what I meant. He always did. “You’re not being unfair,” he said, his voice level. “You’ve been honest with me from the start. I know that you’re in love with Alex. And I—” He touched my hair; I saw his throat move. “I love you in all the ways there are to love someone,” he said finally. “That includes as a friend and brother. If you want me here, then I’ll stay. I just don’t want to make things harder for you. ”
“I love you too,” I whispered. “As a friend, I—” My throat closed; I couldn’t finish. It all seemed so hopeless – Seb being in love with me when I only loved him as a friend; the argument with Alex that was still pounding at my skull. Oh god, what if we really had broken up?
As I started to crumple inside, Seb moved beside me on the bed and put his arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder gratefully; it felt strong against my cheek. “I shouldn’t – I shouldn’t let you do this,” I got out as I started to cry. “I can’t expect you to comfort me when I’m in love with someone else; it’s too much—”
“Be quiet and let me hold you,” he said firmly.
We sat like that without talking for a long time, Seb’s hand stroking my arm as I cried, his cheek against my hair. I concentrated only on externals: the comforting warmth of him as I pressed against him; the slight prickle of his stubble; his clean, woodsy smell. And I tried hard not to think of anything at all.
Finally he smoothed the hair away from my face and said, “The others will be coming upstairs soon. . . will you be all right?”
I nodded and sat up a little, wiping my eyes. “I’ll be fine. ”
His gaze scanned mine; he knew I wouldn’t be. Not really. “I wish I could stay here with you tonight,” he said.
“I know. I’ll be okay. ”
Seb’s mouth moved in something that tried to be a smile. His arm still around me, he leaned close and kissed my hair, his lips warm as they pressed briefly against my head. I could feel how much he cared – the depth of it embraced me, held me close. Something fluttered inside of me; I pushed it away and closed my eyes, letting Seb’s kiss comfort me.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered.
“Okay,” I said. “And Seb – thanks. ”
He rolled his eyes as he stood up. “You would have had to board up the door to keep me out, querida. ”
I hugged my knees to myself, watching as he started across the room – so different from Alex, with his loosely curling brown hair, but his back and shoulders just as firm. As he reached for the door, it swung open.
Kara stood there.
Her eyebrows shot up as she took in Seb, me, the empty room around us. She didn’t say anything, and neither did Seb – I saw him start to, and then I think he realized it was pointless; Kara was not going to be too interested in anything he had to say. Instead he glanced back at me. I knew he was saying I’ll see you tomorrow again with his eyes, and I nodded.
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