The World’s Worst Children
Page 10
With that, the professor leaped out of the window.
As his study was on the hundredth floor of the hospital, he fell for long enough to shout,
“OH, THAT’S MUCH BETTER!” before striking the ground with a ginormous…
SPLAT!
OW!
EARNEST ERNEST
Inside the study, Earnest Ernest exploded into helpless laughter.
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Tears were even rolling down the boy’s cheeks and his face had turned pink with joy.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
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At that moment the Tickle Monster 3000 finally broke down and keeled over. It hit the floor with a loud…
CLUNK!
230
EARNEST ERNEST
“Ernest. You are laughing.
You are finally laughing! But why?” demanded his shocked mother.
“Because THAT was funny!” replied Ernest.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
So you see, Ernest was not so earnest after all. He could smile and even laugh, but sadly only at the grave MISFORTUNE of others.
The boy’s poor mother never, ever tried to make her son laugh again.
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As for Ernest, when he grew up, he found his perfect job. He became a science teacher. Ernest worked at the same school for forty years and none of the teachers or pupils ever saw him laugh. He bored everyone day in and day out with his bum-numbing seriousness.
Until one day an experiment went badly wrong in his classroom and there was a massive explosion.
BOOM!
EARNEST ERNEST
Flames flew and his poor lab technician’s bottom caught fire. All the pupils looked on in shock as their teacher hooted with laughter.
“Ha ha ha ha!” snorted Ernest, pointing at the smouldering assistant.
In fact, he hooted so hard that a little bit of WEE came out. It ran down Ernest’s trouser leg and formed a puddle on the classroom floor.
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And at that moment the whole class laughed at him.
Suddenly Earnest Ernest didn’t see the funny side at all.
THAT BOY IS BANNED FROM MY SHOP FOREVER!
SOFIA Sofa
ONE LIMBER FINGER USED TO CHANGE TV CHANNELS
SORE EYES FROM WATCHING TV ALL DAY AND NIGHT
ACHING BOTTOM FROM NEVER GETTING UP
SOFIA
Sofa
ALL SOFIA WANTED TO DO was sit on the sofa all day, watching television. Sofia Sofa was without doubt one of the absolute worst children in the world.
She never went to school, or helped her mum with chores around the house, or even got up to have dinner at the dining table. All she did was sit and watch TV.
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SOFIA SOFA
It didn’t matter what was on: soap operas, GAME SHOWS, detective shows, gardening programmes, talent shows, CARTOONS, POLITICAL PROGRAMMES, even shows about old boring junk that the presenter pretended were priceless ANTIQUES. As long as the screen was flickering, Sofia was glued to it. Adverts were her absolute favourite. Sometimes she felt that the programmes got in the way of the adverts.
All day and all night Sofia would sit slumped on the sofa in front of the TV, eating and watching.
Crisps, biscuits, cake, sweets and chocolate
were her favourite foods to gobble as she watched. If an advert came on for crisps, biscuits, cake, sweets or chocolate then she would shout out to her mum to bring her more.
“M-U-V-V-E-R!” she would yell.
“CHOCOLATE – NOW!”
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The girl’s poor mum (she was poor because she had to spend all her money on colossal amounts of food for her daughter) would have to dash out to the corner shop to buy Sofia a bar of chocolate.
However, by the time the woman returned home, Sofia would have seen another advert for something else she wanted to scoff and she’d send her mum straight back out the door again.
“M-U-V-V-E-R! CAKE!”
Watching and eating. Eating and watching. That is all Sofia did. Her eyes had actually become square from staring at the box all day. The only exercise Sofia took was changing channels on the television. But because she had a remote control this was nothing more than pressing a button with her finger. Still sometimes her finger would get tired and she would shout out to her mum, “M-U-V-V-E-R! CHANNEL THREE.
NOW!”
It will come as no surprise to you that one day Sofia’s mum decided enough was enough.
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SOFIA SOFA
“It’s time you stopped watching television and got off your bottom for once, young lady!” commanded the woman.
“Nah, Muvver,” muttered Sofia, not looking up from the television. “I just gotta find out what happens at the end of this programme fingy.”
“What do you mean, Sofia? The end of the episode?” asked Mum.
“Nah, the end of the series,” replied Sofia Sofa.
“There is no end! You are watching a soap opera! It will go on FOREVER! Come on, young lady! UP!”
With that Mum put her hands under her daughter’s armpits and attempted to hoist her upwards.
“Three, two, one… HEAVE!”
Eventually she managed it, but the sofa came with Sofia.
The girl had been sitting there for so long she had become completely wedged in! In fact the two had somehow fused and it was impossible to tell where the girl ended and the piece of furniture began.
Sofia had become…
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
…half girl,
half sofa.
Not that she was bothered. The girl just carried on staring at the television throughout the whole process.
When Dad returned home from work, Mum enlisted his help. Together the pair of them tried to prise their daughter from the sofa.
240
SOFIA SOFA
Dad put a foot up on one arm of the sofa to create leverage and directed his wife to do the same.
“Three, two, one…
HEAVE!”
But the girl simply would not budge.
So Sofia’s parents called upon the neighbours in their street of terraced houses to help. The plan was to create a human chain. The combined strength of a hundred people would surely separate Sofia from the sofa.
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
Some folk huddled inside the living room while many others lined up behind them outside.
“GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THE TV!” shouted Sofia.
Dad was at the front, with his arms wrapped round his daughter. Mum held on to him. Indira from next door held on to her and so on.
Arms linked
as the human chain stretched all the way down the street.
“Three, two, one…
HEAVE!”
called out Dad.
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
But still the girl wouldn’t budge an inch. Sofia’s dad fell backwards and the neighbours toppled over each other like dominoes and ended up lying in a big heap, some of them in front of Sofia.
“YOU’RE STILL BLOCKIN’ THE TV!” she moaned.
There was nothing else for it. Dad decided to call the EMERGENCY SERVICES.
“What service do you require?” said the operator. “POLICE, FIRE or AMBULANCE?”
“I am not sure,” began Dad as Mum looked on anxiously. “You see, my daughter has become attached to a sofa.”
“As in she likes it a lot?” enquired the operator.
“No, as in they are joined together,” answered Sofia’s dad.
“Oh dear. That is an unusual one,” replied the operator.
“We had a man the other day whose BOTTO
M had become JAMMED in a bucket, and a lady whose HEAD had become LODGED in a melon, but we have never had anyone WEDGED in a SOFA. I COULD SEND THE FIRE BRIGADE TO CUT HER OUT.”
“That seems a bit drastic,” said Dad.
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SOFIA SOFA
“KEEP IT DOWN! I IS WATCHIN’ TV!” shouted Sofia.
“What was that?” asked the operator.
“Nothing,” whispered Dad. “Just my lovely daughter, the one who is half girl, half sofa.”
“Oh.” The operator thought for a moment. “I could send the police to arrest somebody?”
“Who?” asked Dad.
“The sofa?”
Sofia’s dad pondered this. “No… The sofa hasn’t done anything wrong and we rather like it.”
Mum nodded her head in agreement.
“How about an ambulance? They can take your daughter to the hospital and perhaps a surgeon can perform an operation to separate her from the sofa?”
“Yes, yes, that’s a super idea,” replied Dad. “Please send an ambulance right away! Thank you.”
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
NEE-NAW NEE-NAW NEE-NAW!
The ambulance arrived in minutes.
But there was a problem.
Being half girl, half sofa, Sofia Sofa was too large to fit through the front door.
So the ambulance driver called for a crane with a giant wrecking ball to help.
Less than an hour later the giant crane swung its heavy metal ball at the front of Sofia’s terraced house.
BASH!
SOFIA SOFA
The wall was smashed to pieces. As a cloud of dust enveloped everyone in the street, still Sofia sat watching her beloved television.
“GET THAT DUST OUT OF ME WAY NOW! I CAN’T SEE THE TV!” she shouted.
When the dust cleared, the ambulance driver found there was another problem. The half girl, half sofa was too heavy to lift. So the ball was taken off the crane’s chain, and the chain was secured round the bottom of the sofa.
247
With a pull of a lever…
WHOOSH!
…the half girl, half sofa was hoisted high up into the air.
When Sofia could no longer see her beloved television, she started making an awful racket.
“TV! TV! TV!”
she chanted.
SOFIA SOFA
The crane operator panicked and pulled the wrong lever, sending his load swinging through the air. It smashed into the row of houses on the other side of the road.
CRASH!
BOOM!
The houses came tumbling down in an explosion of dust and debris.
There wasn’t much of the terraced street left.
Not that Sofia cared; all she cared about was watching television.
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
When the noise of falling brickwork and the screams of innocent bystanders had subsided, all that could be heard was the girl chanting loudly,
“TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV!”
As quickly as she could, the ambulance driver opened the back doors of her vehicle. The crane driver attempted to swing the half girl, half sofa inside. After around five hundred tries it became clear it was not going to fit. So the ambulance driver had an idea. Using a rope she secured the half girl, half sofa to the rear of her ambulance so she could pull Sofia Sofa all the way to the hospital.
“TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV!”
came the chant.
By now the driver was so desperate to stop this ear-torturing noise, she was willing to try anything. So she plugged the television into the back of the ambulance.
250
SOFIA SOFA
It flickered to life once more in front of Sofia. That was the longest she had gone without watching television since she could remember. The TV had been off for a whole minute, and she was relieved it was back on again.
The ambulance driver drove off as slowly and gently as possible. The girl’s parents sat upfront in the cab as their daughter and the television trailed behind.
The half girl, half sofa seemed happy enough as she trundled along in the direction of the hospital. After all she could watch TV for the entire journey.
And all went well until…
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
The ambulance took a sharp corner…
SCREECH!
…and both the rope and the
electricity cable on the TV snapped.
THWACK!
SOFIA SOFA
The ambulance driver sped on unaware, but the television and half girl, half sofa flew across the road untethered.
ZOOM!
As the television was now unplugged, the screen went black.
Sofia began chanting wildly.
“TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV!”
But, as luck would have it, at that very moment…
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
the half girl, half sofa bashed straight through the window of a television shop.
SMASH!
Sofia Sofa flew through the air and landed…
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SOFIA SOFA
…inside a giant-screen television
SHATTER!
Instantly she became wedged within.
Now Sofia Sofa-Television was one-third girl, one-third sofa and one-third television.
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THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
Which is exactly what can happen if you watch too much TV.
THANK GOODNESS THAT WAS THE LAST ONE!
THE END
I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THIS BOOK!
Dear reader,
Sadly this collection of stories must come to an end. I do hope you have enjoyed reading it. These truly are the most horrendous children who ever lived.
But, having spoken to your parents and teachers, I realise I have missed an opportunity to include the world’s very worst child. You!
Do not fear, I will redress this balance and make sure to include you in my forthcoming publication THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN, VOLUME TWO!
VOLUME TWO?! NOOOOOOOOO!
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