by Brad Fraser
Wowdee. (Rowdy.)
TWYLA:
Your friend from school.
ROWDY:
Rowdy Akers.
He moves to TWYLA and shakes her hand aggresively.
Nice to finally meet you Aunt Twyla.
TWYLA:
Twyla’s fine. Jake left you to look after Joey?
ROWDY:
I might be a bit retarded but I’m not stupid. It’s mostly fetal alcohol syndrome eh. Joey never said you were so hot.
TWYLA:
Could you please not stand quite so close to me.
ROWDY:
Am I crowding your personal space? I do that sometimes.
TWYLA:
No I prefer nose-to-nose contact on a first meeting.
ROWDY:
That’s—um—it’s sharkism right?
TWYLA:
What?
ROWDY:
Sharkism. When you say something in a bitchy way but you mean the opposite.
TWYLA:
Sarcasm?
ROWDY:
Right.
TWYLA:
Yes. It is.
ROWDY:
Sorry. I guess I’m just a little messed up cuz you’re so hot and everything.
TWYLA:
Please stop saying that.
ROWDY:
But I mean it—
JOEY:
Wowdee!
ROWDY:
What? I’m being polite. That’s what you do when you meet girls Joe.
JOEY:
Suh muh un. (She’s my aunt.)
ROWDY:
I have a really big dick.
TWYLA:
That’s your idea of polite?
ROWDY:
A lot of ladies go for it.
JOEY:
Ih weewee bih. (It’s really big.)
TWYLA:
I didn’t come here to find out how big anyone’s penis is okay thank you?
ROWDY:
Am I being inappropriate?
TWYLA:
Yes.
ROWDY:
You mad?
TWYLA:
No.
ROWDY:
You seem pissed.
JOEY:
Shush luh thuh. (She’s like that.)
JAKE enters.
JAKE:
Hey.
TWYLA:
Hi.
JOEY:
Duh wuh kik. (That was quick.)
JAKE:
I just ran to the courier on the corner.
TWYLA:
I’ve met Rowdy.
JAKE:
Your paths have never crossed before?
TWYLA:
He offered to show me his penis.
JAKE:
(to ROWDY) We talked about that.
ROWDY:
I know.
JAKE:
If people want to see your penis they’ll ask.
ROWDY:
But—
JOEY:
Wowdee les guh tuh muh ruh. (Rowdy let’s go to my room.)
TWYLA:
Good to meet you.
ROWDY:
Good idea. Nice to meet you Twyla.
ROWDY shakes her hand firmly. He moves to JAKE and shakes his hand.
Good to see you Mr. Sturdy.
ROWDY and JOEY exit.
TWYLA:
Does he shake everyone’s hand?
JAKE:
Every time. He’s been very protective of my boy for some reason.
TWYLA:
Well there’s that.
JAKE:
Would you like me to ask him to leave?
TWYLA:
It’s okay. How is it I haven’t met him before?
JAKE:
I tend to have him over on the days you can’t help out.
TWYLA:
Right.
JAKE:
Okay then I’m gonna—
TWYLA:
Jake where do you play hockey?
JAKE:
You know—at different arenas.
TWYLA:
Where?
JAKE:
In the—suburbs.
TWYLA:
And you never practise or anything? You just play a full-out game of hockey every Tuesday night?
JAKE:
Just old guys farting around.
TWYLA:
Right. Good luck.
JAKE:
Thanks.
JAKE exits. Lights rise on JOEY and ROWDY in JOEY’s room. They’re on the tablet.
ROWDY:
Those’re some hot babes eh?
JOEY:
Tohtuluh. (Totally.)
ROWDY:
Sorry I ain’t been by in a while. Shit gets busy right.
JOEY:
Suh. (Sure.)
ROWDY:
That fat snatch at the group home wants to know where I am every fucking minute of every fucking day.
JOEY:
Duh yuh fun ah jaw yuh? (Did you find a job yet?)
ROWDY:
I think so. They’re looking for someone to clean and shit at the chicken place and the guy who interviewed me was real interested. I bet I get it.
JOEY:
Gwed. (Great.)
ROWDY:
I keep applying with the city to work in parks and shit—but they never call me in for an interview.
JOEY:
Day shug. (They suck.)
ROWDY:
I need some dough. That allowance from the Services is nothing. You wanna blow a fattie?
JOEY
: Yuh.
ROWDY lights a joint. They share it with ROWDY holding it to JOEY’s lips when it’s his turn to smoke.
ROWDY:
You talk to your old man about our idea?
JOEY:
Nuh.
ROWDY:
Why not?
JOEY:
Ah nunuh. Duh tum huznuh bun ruh. (I don’t know. The time hasn’t been right.)
ROWDY:
You’re eighteen next year right?
JOEY:
Yuh.
ROWDY:
And I’m nearly twenty-one. Try not to drool on my finger bud.
JOEY:
Suruh. Ah huva luh mah duh nuh. (Sorry. I have to let my dad know.)
ROWDY:
Sure yeah. Your dad’s the best. But you and me would be a good match sharing a place eh? The government gives us both money for being gimped out and the Services do everything we can’t. No one telling us what to do.
JOEY:
Yuh.
ROWDY:
He’s not gonna like it but if you bring it up now it’ll make it easier later.
JOEY:
Subuh. (Subtle.)
ROWDY:
Exactly. You’re so smart. We’ll get some apartment on the east side where people like us live. I’ll bring home all the pussy I want. I’ll bring you some too.
JOEY:
Nuh pussuh wansh muh. (No pussy wants me.)
ROWDY:
There’s a pussy for everybody bro.
JOEY:
Ah hungy.
ROWDY:
I’ll let you watch.
JOEY:
Duh buh suh fuguh goes. (Don’t be so fucking gross.)
ROWDY:
Well you like watching them on the net right?
JOEY:
Yu
h buh… (Yeah but…)
ROWDY:
What?
JOEY:
Dun muh fuh uf muh. (Don’t make fun of me.)
ROWDY:
Hey what? Me?
JOEY:
Ah cand. (I can’t.)
ROWDY:
Can’t what?
JOEY:
Jag ih. (Jack it.)
ROWDY:
Shit fuck dude that’s kinda like being crippled.
JOEY:
Ah nuh. (I know.)
ROWDY:
Don’t sweat it. I’ll find some chick to suck you off.
JOEY:
Ah tuh hungy. (I’m too ugly.)
ROWDY:
I’ll get a blind chick. Or turn out the light. Yeah. That’s probably easier than finding a blind hooker.
JOEY:
Thuhlul seel fee huh tiseted ah mah. (They’ll still feel how twisted I am.)
ROWDY:
So hey Joe you aren’t telling me this to get me to play with your cock or anything like that are you?
JOEY:
Sob! Yuh benuh soopuh. (Stop! You’re being stupid.)
ROWDY:
I know. Sorry bud. It’s just I’m not you know.
JOEY:
Muh udduh. (Me either.)
ROWDY:
I bet there’s someone at the Services who jacks off sexually frustrated retards.
JOEY:
Yuh bud hihut buh suwuh fah. (Yeah but it’d be someone fat.)
ROWDY:
(laughs) Or really old.
JOEY:
Uh hungy!
ROWDY:
With one of those big moles with hairs sticking out of it!
JOEY:
Oh dah tits. (On their tits.)
They both laugh. It trails off.
ROWDY:
Did we smoke that joint?
JOEY:
Uh yuh. (Oh yeah.)
ROWDY:
Gimme your pad. You won’t believe what summa these broads will do for money—
JOEY:
(handing him the pad) Ukuh. (Okay.)
TWYLA is heard off.
TWYLA:
Joey!
JOEY:
Wuh?
TWYLA:
I can smell the weed.
JOEY:
Guh why. (Go away.)
TWYLA:
Let me in. Joey.
ROWDY:
Come in.
ROWDY opens the door. TWYLA enters.
TWYLA:
Do you have any idea how marijuana might react with his other medications?
ROWDY:
Uh yeah—I’ve been smoking him up since he was like twelve.
JOEY:
Ah fah. (I’m fine.)
ROWDY:
I’ve got another spliff if you’re—
TWYLA:
Rowdy I think maybe it’s time for you to go home.
ROWDY:
You throwing me out?
TWYLA:
It’s time for Joey’s supper.
JOEY:
Muh fuduh. (My feeding.)
ROWDY:
Like in the zoo.
JOEY:
Zacluh. (Exactly.)
ROWDY:
Like a fucking hippo man.
JOEY:
Oh uh muhkuh! (Or a monkey!)
They laugh.
TWYLA:
Stoned teenagers. Very amusing. Have a nice night.
ROWDY:
Lighten up mam. Life’s short.
ROWDY gives JOEY a hug.
Stay outa trouble.
JOEY:
Yuh tuh. (You too.)
ROWDY moves to TWYLA and holds his hand out.
ROWDY:
Charmed to meet you.
She shakes his hand reluctantly.
TWYLA:
Likewise.
ROWDY exits.
Are you ready to eat?
JOEY:
Ah fuhnik stuhvuh. (I’m fucking starving.)
TWYLA:
You’re finding yourself really amusing aren’t you?
JOEY:
Yuh! Ah um.
JOEY laughs uproariously, very high. Lights rise on JAKE and ROBYN at the sex apartment. They’re in the pull-out bed.
JAKE:
I’m so sorry.
ROBYN:
Have you finally gotten bored with me?
JAKE:
No. I—I can’t sleep. My back and legs get this really strange ache.
ROBYN:
So it was the pain?
JAKE:
I just sort of—lost sensation. Who knows what I’ve done to my back moving Joey around all these years?
They get out of bed, dress, straighten the room, etc.
ROBYN
: Children aren’t meant to be a lifelong commitment.
JAKE:
Yes they are.
ROBYN:
Not full-time. If you don’t take some time for yourself you’ll burn out.
JAKE:
What do you think tonight is?
ROBYN:
But still you need someone to help you deal with the physical challenges. Someone—
JAKE:
Younger? Stronger.
ROBYN:
Yes.
Pause.
JAKE:
Are you writing?
ROBYN:
No. You?
JAKE:
I’m still having trouble concentrating.
ROBYN:
River Run Rapid was an amazing novel.
JAKE:
Nearly twenty years ago.
ROBYN:
It’s not too late to write another.
JAKE:
That was the plan.
ROBYN:
Until Joey?
JAKE:
Until Viola and Mom got hit by that drunk. With everyone helping I might’ve found the time to peck something out but after that—
ROBYN:
What do you want Jake?
JAKE:
Want?
ROBYN:
Now. For yourself.
JAKE:
I have a severely disabled son. I have no self.
ROBYN:
Have you ever read Joey your novel?
JAKE:
No.
ROBYN:
Why not?
JAKE:
He’s never been much on anything involving reading. And the book—
ROBYN:
Is about a creative young man whose first child is about to be born.
JAKE:
How would I explain the ending to him? All children are perfect. That’s the final line.
ROBYN:
I didn’t mean to take this anywhere morbid.
JAKE:
I’m just another guy who turned out one good novel before his life took some unexpected turns. A few of them good. Like you.
ROBYN:
Your class took me from gifted amateur to marginally skilled amateur.
JAKE:
You could go much further.
ROBYN:
I like exactly where I am. I have my hard-working withholding husband two civic committees two hot yoga classes the readers group a couple of sons and you. It’s quite enough.
JAKE:
So you’re settling?
ROBYN:
I settled years ago. These meetings have come to mean
so much to me. Your friendship.
JAKE:
Friendship?
ROBYN:
You know if our situations were different—
JAKE:
But they’re not.
ROBYN:
No. That was always part of the deal.
JAKE:
So we’ve always said.
ROBYN:
You’re not implying—
JAKE:
And if I were?
ROBYN:
But you’re not.
Pause.
JAKE:
I’ll get something to help with my erection.
ROBYN:
Please.
JAKE exits. Lights rise on TWYLA who is tidying up the living room. JAKE enters.
TWYLA:
Who won?
JAKE:
No one. How was Joey?
TWYLA:
Smoking dope with Rowdy.
JAKE:
They do that.
TWYLA:
You don’t mind?
JAKE:
It doesn’t seem to have any negative effects on him.
TWYLA:
His doctor—
JAKE:
Doesn’t think it’s an issue. How are you doing?
TWYLA:
Fine.
JAKE:
Work’s not too stressful?
TWYLA:
Of course. We’re just meat cogs in a corporate machine.
JAKE:
What about the Hispanic guy?
TWYLA:
Hector. Jesus Jake. He’s disappeared. After nearly a year. He didn’t even text me or break up in an email like they usually do.
JAKE:
You might be happier as a lesbian.
TWYLA:
I barely have time to be a straight person.
JAKE:
What’ve you had to drink?
TWYLA:
Coupla glasses of wine. Don’t sweat it.
JAKE:
You sure?
TWYLA:
Yeah. Are you okay?
JAKE:
I’m just—I’m really tired. Can you lock up when you go?
TWYLA:
Sure.
JAKE:
Thanks.
JAKE exits. TWYLA punches a number of digits into her communications device and waits for an answer. Hector’s recorded message is heard distantly.
TWYLA:
Fuck you Hector. Fuck you and die.
TWYLA turns the lights out and exits. Lights rise on JAKE, sleeping. He sits up suddenly, panicked.
JAKE:
Joey. Son don’t. Oh shit. What the—shit—
ROBYN appears in the doorway of the sex apartment with a tray of tea. JAKE is in the pull-out bed.
ROBYN:
Are you alright?
JAKE:
What time is it?
ROBYN:
Quite early.
JAKE gets out of bed. He’s half dressed. He straightens himself up.