This moment though was unlike all of those because those had been the sickening sweetness of anticipation; this moment was the nauseating reality of betrayal.
Two gin and tonics had already been consumed, made by Nick which meant that they were really gin and ton-nixed. Even Nick didn’t see this coming; his usual creepy perceptiveness lacking the past few weeks… months… after losing his dad—and all sense of self-control.
Even had his parents been home, their estate was so enormous, I doubt they would have realized that Nick was throwing a massive party at the pool. Oh no, the party wasn’t in the main house—which was up the path and behind a towering row of trees and a set of tennis courts—and it wasn’t in the guest house either—which sat a few yards away from the building that we were actually in: the pool house. The building had its own mini kitchen and huge glass-paneled windows that looked out to the pool, one of which slid up like a garage door for you to walk straight outside.
I was talking with a few other girls in our class closer to where the kitchen was and farther from where all the party shenanigans were happening. This was a Nick Frost party which meant that kegs and weed were readily available (along with other things that I pretended not to notice), as well as a variety of rooms for those looking to hook-up. In fact, the two blondes in front of me who were now arguing with each other were here looking to get lucky with the frosty bad boy who was running the show.
I looked over at Chance to find him watching me. We were both inside the large pool house in the back of Nick’s mansion home.
His look was like dynamite, ready to make me explode.
I forced my gaze back to my conversation with Megan—just like I’d forced us to come here tonight instead of staying in bed all day like Chance had begged. Correction: he’d begged to have his dick stay inside of me all day. And that meant that we wouldn’t be leaving his bed.
After last night, I didn’t blame him. Waking up with him inside of me was a sensation of complete and utter fullness that I’d never wanted to let go.
But the reminder of the party was also that of the reality that Nick had made me chillingly aware of two weeks ago.
Chance was going to give up his talent and opportunity to have an exceptional career for me. if he moved to Texas so that I could pursue my own dream. Me.
That made me nauseous. But not as nauseous as what I was about to do.
I was waiting, knowing that we would be one of the last few to leave. I was waiting because the longer I waited the more intoxicated Nick became—and not just with alcohol. The caretaker in me looked at that boy with the highest amount of concern the way that he drank alcohol like water and did drugs like he had some unique brand of coke-curing-cancer. He was currently falling over two girls out by the pool—actually, it looked like he was holding onto the shoulder and boob of one to stay upright.
At least there was a good chance that Nick would never remember this.
“Hey, babe,” Chance whispered in my ear, his arm coming around my waist to rest his hand possessively on my stomach. Instantly, the nausea was gone and I relished that moment, knowing that it would be the last of its kind.
“Hey,” I murmured, relaxing back against him.
I loved when he held me like this—like you’d hold your heart if it was outside of your body instead of inside your chest.
I knew I would weep later for breaking it.
“Can I get you anything?”
“I’m good right now. Maybe you want to check on Nick though… he’s been going non-stop all night. I’m worried he’s actually trying to kill himself.”
His chest vibrated against my back. “That’s the thing about Frost, J-bird, he could be trying to kill himself, but it will never happen—he’s not that lucky.”
I glanced up at him, those incredible blue eyes always stopping mine in their tracks.
“Alright.” He kissed my temple. “I’ll go make sure he’s not overdosing on his idiocy.”
“Thank you.”
I was concerned about Nick—any person in their right mind would be—but I knew that tomorrow morning, Chance would see my actions as more than just a friendly concern.
Surprisingly, what followed seemed to go as smoothly as though we were acting out a Greek drama on stage.
It hit one-thirty in the morning and a bunch of the remaining crowd left—the two girls Nick had been talking to, one of the girls I was talking to, the only three skiers in our class that the SnowmassHoles would tolerate, and finally, Nick, Chance, and I who remained.
I watched through the window as Chance was waylaid by the skiers, meanwhile, Nick stumbled in through the door to the kitchen, presumably to get another drink.
My heart raced. Was I really going to do this?
You have to do this, Jessa. You. Have. To.
Better that he hates you and has his dream, than to lose his dream and wind up hating you for it.
The second I saw Chance realize that Nick had gone inside, I excused myself from Megan and walked into the small kitchen. Nick, who was a few feet in front of me, had one hand on the counter steadying himself while he bent over, examining all the liquor bottles decorating the small island that was serving as a back-up bar. (The main bar was outside and attached to the pool.)
This was the point where many might quip, ‘moment of truth,’ but in fact, this moment was nothing but a lie.
I flicked off the lights and heard a slurry of swears escaping from Nick as a few glass bottles clicked together.
My eyes adjusted much faster than his since I wasn’t inebriated. Finding his shadow in the room now dimly lit by only the lights from outside, I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“What the—“
His lips were cold. I imagined that this was what kissing a corpse would feel like. Some would argue that in many ways Nick was dead. They tasted like a bitterly sweet mix of alcohol, weed, and something else that I was sure was probably just as illegal. The urge to vomit charged up my throat, but I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and pulled him hard against me.
I knew the second he thought that I was one of the other girls that were still left here, cornering him in the kitchen for a quick fuck. His arms came around me and one hand slid down to cup my ass.
The sound of the light-switch flicking on was as sharp as a guillotine.
“Jessa?” My heart shriveled and died at that tone. As though it was easier for Chance to believe that there was someone else at this party who had bright blue hair. I shoved myself away from Nick who was still reeling from the lights coming back on.
The shock and pain was rapidly replaced with an anger that burned whiter than snow.
“WHAT. THE. FUCK,” he roared, reaching for Nick and slamming a fist into his face.
Nick Frost had no idea what hit him. He fell like a sack of potatoes, clutching his face before his head thwacking on the wood floor knocked him out.
I felt every thud of my heart as his eyes returned to me. Brilliantly blue betrayal burning inside of them. “How could you?”
I blinked and he was gone.
Numbly, I made sure that Frost was still breathing as the small crowd now gathered around him thinking that he’d passed out on his own. I slipped out the door, knowing that Chance was halfway gone by now. With fingers that felt like they’d been numbed from cold (even though it was in the seventies outside), I called Tammy and asked if she could come get me.
That night, I cried at her house as though my tears would be stored to make snowflakes in the winter. I cried because I’d given everything I had to the only man I knew that I would ever love.
I cried because he would never know that I died that night so that his dream could stay alive.
Present
JESSA
Any chance you guys want to brave the snow and grab some coffee and donuts for breakfast?
ALLY
Uh oh. Donuts… what did you do that you regret?! Does this have to do with Chance??
TAMMY
Can you pick me up on your way?
JESSA
I’ll be there in fifteen, Tammy. Ally, we’ll see you at Cup of Joe.
ALLY
YOU DID DO SOMETHING WITH CHANCE!
Ignoring her last text, my phone clunked down onto her dresser and I went in search of my concealer; the bags underneath my eyes were more like suitcases.
After what Chance had said to me before disappearing to call Nick last night, I’d come up to my new room and locked myself in the tower. Netflix was a good cover for the inordinate amount of crying that I’d done; hopefully, the half a season of Friends that I’d watched was loud enough should he be listening at my door. Again.
I’d been so tempted to wait down there for him, to finally lay into him for everything that he thought that he knew about me and what happened.
But what good would that have done?
He was already lost after his injury. Telling him the truth about what had happened… well, it would just be one more thing to beat himself up over. Or worse, the thought that I might have to hear him say that it was all for nothing. That thought had already crossed my mind more than once; to hear it aloud was more than I could handle right now.
I dabbed the pale cream over the purple circles before throwing the bottle into my purse just in case I needed to touch it up later.
It had stopped snowing at some point early in the evening. A glance out the window when I woke up showed clear skies and plowed roads—a sure sign that I needed to go see my girls and tell them what had happened.
Lacing up my ankle-high snow-boots over my skinny jeans, I checked in the mirror to make sure that I didn’t look too much like a heartbroken slob.
Only 35% heartbroken slob; I’ll take it.
The house was empty as I moved downstairs, tugging my NorthFace on over the over-sized purple sweater that I was wearing. I grabbed my keys and bee-lined for the door to the garage, realizing that my rush through the house was for nothing when I saw that Chance’s Cherokee was gone. Tugging my pink and purple tye-died gloves on over my fingers, my teeth chattered as I climbed into my truck. It wasn’t snowing, but it sure as hell was cold.
I called Tammy as I pulled into her apartment complex. “I’m here.”
“Ok, I’ll be right down.”
It took her three and a half minutes to make it to the car. I was watching the clock—the whole time wondering where Chance had gone, if he’d left last night or this morning, and honestly, if I would ever see him again.
“Hey.” Tammy gave me a half-smile when she climbed into the truck. She was the picture-perfect image of cozy. Fur-lined boots, long down jacket, white cashmere scarf with matching hat and matching gloves.
“You look nice and warm.”
“Well, it’s only eighteen outside.” Her eyes narrowed on me. “You should have a hat on.”
I rolled my eyes, turning onto the resort road. “I only went from the house to my car. And Cup of Joe is close to the parking lot—but thanks, Mom.”
“Maybe at least put your hood up.”
I chuckled; I wasn’t winning this argument. “Any word on Lila?”
Immediately her face shuttered. “She’s not coming back.”
“What?”
“Sofia called on Friday, right before we were done for the day. She said that Lila wouldn’t be coming back to the daycare. I-I didn’t take the call, but I guess she will be getting some sort of private tutor.”
“Seriously? I can’t believe that. And she didn’t say anything about what happened?”
“Not to me and Becca didn’t ask.” Becca was the part-time helper at the daycare.
“Did you call her back?”
This time, it was her turn to let out a sad laugh. “And say what? ‘Hi, this is Tammy. I work at the Open Hearts. I have no legitimate reason why you should tell me but I would like to know what happened with Lila the other day and why she isn’t coming back to the daycare?’” Her pain at wanting to say those words bled through every syllable as she rhetorically recited them to me. “No. I’m an employee; I’m nothing to her or the family. I have no right to ask questions, let alone demand answers when there has been not even the slightest hint of any danger to Lila.”
I didn’t want to tell her that she was right. I wanted to tell her that she had some recourse. But she really didn’t; it was none of her business. She was just a casualty of whatever had happened.
I pulled into a parking spot, shifting into park. Turning in my seat, I said, “I’d love to tell you that you are wrong, but you aren’t. However,” I paused for a second, “I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to reach out to the parents—not Sofia—and follow up with them. I think if you explain your relationship with Lila, anyone would understand that you have the child’s best interests at heart.”
“It’s not unreasonable. Which is why I sent an email to Carol—“ Carol was the owner of the daycare, but who was never there; Tammy basically ran the place, but of course, would never do anything without going through the proper channels, “—but it was Friday afternoon, so I don’t expect to hear from her until tomorrow at the earliest.”
“I’m sure she will give you their information,” I reassured her. “Now, let’s get some donuts before Al eats them all.”
Cup of Joe was basically empty except for one other group of four, us, and Hannah—the barista. Al had already snagged a table, a steaming cup of coffee and a plateful of donuts already in front of her. Since she used to work here, I was sure that Hannah had given her everything for free.
“Looks like everyone is hiding out from the storm,” I said with a smile. “Can I just get a cappuccino?”
“Tell me about it. It’s a good thing for me because Charley called out again today because of the weather,” Hannah replied with a sigh. Being friends with Ally, I knew about the struggle with Charley—the barista who rarely showed up for her job but somehow managed to keep it. “Mind you—she lives within walking distance.”
“Oh, man. That’s horrible!” I exclaimed as she walked over to the espresso machine to make my drink.
Plopping into the second armchair that was next to Ally, I glanced over to see Hannah handing Tammy her cup of tea; she wasn’t a coffee drinker.
“I’m dying over here, you know that right?”
I rolled my eyes at her faux-dramatics. “Just wait for Tammy, would ya?”
It wasn’t a long wait. Not even thirty seconds later, Tammy slid in to the last chair at the table—the one directly facing the window.
“Ok, now spill. What caused the emergency ‘donut-look’ meeting?”
I groaned and took a sip of my cappuccino that was way too hot to be drinking yet. At the moment, the fact that I’d shared my little ‘donut-look’ joke with my girls was backfiring on me.
“I have a roommate.” I stared down at the mug in my hands, letting the heat from the coffee warm through to my still-chilled fingers.
“Wait, what?” Ally immediately asked; Tammy meanwhile sat quietly and let our younger friend do all the interrogating. It was like freaking good-cop bad-cop over here. “I thought you were moving into my house? Did you find somewhere else? Who is it?”
The laugh that escaped me was slightly pathetic. “I am moving into your house. Correction: I moved into your house. And then on Friday, so did your brother.”
“WHAT?!” They were a chorus of confusion.
“Are you serious? Why? Oh my God, you called me about Chance and Emmett said that something happened with Nick. Is that why he moved out and back into the house?”
I tried to take another sip of my coffee because there was no chance I was getting a word in while Ally rattled off every question that she could think of.
Finally, when she took a breath, I spoke again.
“He… wouldn’t tell me what happened with Nick. All I know is something happened that made him miss his therapy appointment and then the next thing I know, I hear noises in the middle
of the night and I almost beat him over the head with a rolling pin.”
She burst out laughing.
“A rolling pin! That is hysterical.” Even I couldn’t help but crack a smile at the memory. “You should have hit him. Maybe knock some sense into my dear brother.”
“Yeah. So, that’s the news. I’ve officially moved in with my ex-boyfriend who hates me. No big deal.” If there was such a thing as a sarcastic shrug, at this point in my life, I was the master of it.
“What happened? What did he say?”
Briefly, I recounted the events of Friday night—editing out certain details—and then yesterday morning when he helped me grab the rest of my stuff from my moldy apartment.
“You can move back in with me if you want, Jessa. It’s really not a problem.”
God, I loved her. Selfless concern gushed from Tammy without a second thought to the mess that it would mean for her.
“No, it’s really fine. It’s only temporary,” I reassured her.
“Is it?”
“Until I find a new place.” Why did it sound like this wasn’t obvious to me?
“But do you want to find a new place?” she pressed.
I glared at Ally for the question over the edge of my mug. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, please. I’ve seen the way the two of you are around each other.” She rolled those Ryder-blue eyes.
“Al, your brother hates me after what I did and he has every right to. Even if I told him the truth; it was still a betrayal.”
“So nothing happened between you two?” I took another sip—gulp—of my coffee. “Oh, my God. Something did happen!” It was her brother—she was way too excited about this.
I shook my head frantically. “Something might have happened, but it shouldn’t have. Too much has happened between us. That’s the problem. I shouldn’t have let anything happen…” The last word came out as the groan of regret.
The Winter Games Page 94