His bright red head whipped up. “Hey,” he rasped in greeting.
“Where is everyone?”
“Everyone?” he asked with curiosity. “Ally and Jessa are upstairs. Frost left a while ago. Had to get the kid to bed and all.”
My heart fell. Words that had been building up in my mouth during the entire drive here, prepared to spill out before she could have the chance to tell me that I was the biggest asshole in the world and that she could never love me, now sank like heavy stones in my throat.
“Why is it every time I’m in this house lately, you are causing a shitstorm?”
My jaw ticked at his reference to how a month or so ago, I’d beaten the shit out of him for falling in love with my baby sister.
“Why is it every time you are in my house lately, you make me want to punch you?” I retorted in jest, walking closer to the kitchen so that our voices wouldn’t travel.
I stopped next to him and he looked up at me with eyes that said that Ally had shared exactly what went down here earlier.
“I’m sorry, Pride. I’m sorry about Jessa and the baby.” He rubbed a hand over his hair. “I had no idea. If I had known…”
“You still wouldn’t have told me because Ally would have killed you.”
He grinned and shrugged. “You’re probably right. How are you holding up?”
“I’m not. I need to talk to her.”
“I think she’s out for the night.” I looked to him for more of an explanation. “Wish I could tell you more, but I got here after they were already up there. Ally came down to find some more tissues and grab a can of that damn water that Jessa drinks and she told me what happened. But that was over an hour ago.” He stood and clapped me on the back. “Whatever you’ve got to say is going to have to wait until the morning.”
I sat down and dumped my head into my hands, pulling out my phone to finally look at the message Frost had sent earlier.
FROST
Don’t worry about it.
FROST
Need to talk to you when you get time. Deal with your shit first. Thanks for letting me borrow your house.
Like I hadn’t been living in his for the past however many months.
I looked up, hearing soft footsteps on the stairs. For a second, my every cell thrummed with hope that it was Jessa, but it was only my sister. Her eyes were red and swollen, sadness weighing down every step that she took.
If she looked like this… My stomach clenched; I could only imagine what Jessa looked like.
“You’re back.” Monotone and hoarse, I couldn’t tell whether it was a question or a statement.
“I couldn’t leave,” I rasped.
“Well, that’s a first.” My teeth clenched together at her jab. I deserved it.
“Sunshine…” King murmured softly, putting his hand around her waist.
“What?” she asked him before pulling away to come and stand in front of me. “Did you come back to make sure someone swept up the dust after she crumbled?”
“No,” I ground out. “I came back to apologize. I came back to grovel. I came back to tell her that I fucking love her.”
It was hard to tell which one of those statements shocked her more. And then her eyes welled with tears again before she wrapped her arms around my waist.
“I-I’m still s-so mad at y-you,” she said shakily, “f-for what you said. B-But I’m so happy you came back.”
I wrapped my arms around her, gently rubbing her back. “I’m sorry, Al. I’m sorry for being such a fucking dick—and not just because of this. I’m sorry for not being here for you.” I sighed into her hair. Christ, I was turning into a fucking emotional pussy tonight. But I didn’t give two shits. “I was lost, Al. I was so fucking lost.”
She hugged me tighter because she knew what that was like, too.
When she and I hurt, we both ran.
Holding her, it began to dawn on me what had happened over the past few weeks. Sometimes, the heart and the mind aren’t in harmony—they play tug of war with your emotions and your life. I wasn’t lost because I didn’t know where to go; I was lost because I had two options and I didn’t know which way was right. My mind fighting for pride. My heart fighting for peace.
Among many other things, at some point in life you come to realize that in one way or another, you’ve let yourself down. You aren’t alone. You aren’t the first person to be afraid, confused, or ashamed of the choices that you’ve made. But it is in these moments of self-loathing that you realize that being lost enables you to find yourself again.
I found myself because of her—because of Jessa. I found myself because my mind and my heart both wanted the same thing; they both wanted her.
“She’s asleep, Chance,” Ally said as she untangled her arms from me and stepped back into Emmett’s arms.
“I’ll be here when she wakes up.”
She nodded and looked up to King, ready to head back to their house.
“I’ll see you soon?” she asked quietly.
“You will.” It was a promise. I’d been absent from everyone’s life for months—but no more.
A few minutes later they were gone and the house was quiet again, my shattered sleeping beauty upstairs and unaware just how much my heart ached to be able to heal her right now.
Collapsing into one of the leather chairs in the living room, I turned on the fireplace below the TV and stared absently into the flames. I wasn’t going downstairs. The first fucking thing Jessa was going to see when she woke up was me. Here. Ready to fucking beg.
Bright colors caught the edge of my gaze—the fire reflecting off of the back of the stack of Tarot cards that Jessa had left on the table.
I’d seen them a few times when we dated before, but they’d been up in Ally’s room until yesterday when I’d come home to her staring at the deck like she wanted to choose a card, but couldn’t.
Either the alcohol or the emotion started to sink in—or maybe just exhaustion—and I lost myself staring at those cards. Like they could somehow connect me to the woman upstairs.
My heart felt heavy, yet somehow hopeful.
I couldn’t stop myself. I reached for the deck, shuffling the smooth cards in my hands. Setting them down on the table, I cut the deck with my left hand, and set the top half of the deck to the left. I had no idea what any of these cards meant, but it didn’t matter.
My fingers drew the top card from the right pile, slowly flipping it over in my hand to stare at the intricate drawing on the other side—a naked woman dumping water everywhere.
What the hell was that supposed to mean?
With a heavy sigh, I leaned back into the chair. Fuck, my eyes felt so damn heavy. Leaning my head back, I held the card up above my face and stared at it as though it could give me answers.
Because aren’t these kinds of answers supposed to be written in the stars?
The Wheel of Fortune: Life tends to go in cycles. There are good times and bad times—the bad times providing contrast and perspective so you can recognize how blessed you are when the good times come. Do not stand still and accept what life hands you; take initiative and an active hand in trying to stay on the upside of the Wheel. The Wheel, like life, always turns. Don’t fight it. Go with the flow and the ride will become easier.
I WALKED TO THE KITCHEN in a daze, looking at each piece of clothing that lay strewn on the floor like they were pieces of my heart.
Was this real?
Emotions bubbled at bay, a subtle lapping at my feet while the thought that crashed over me like a tsunami was that I had lost him again because of my fear. Forget about Nick, our child should have been the first confession that slipped from my lips.
Liar.
Cheater.
Heart-breaker.
Ally sat in the living room with her head in her hands. I’d come into the kitchen for a water, but I couldn’t find the strength to even open the refrigerator, standing numbly in front of the counter.
“He’ll be back.”
The cool, collected voice of Nick Frost melted over me like snow. A refreshingly cold reality.
“He won’t.” I turned to him. Frost eyed me with those eerily white, foggy eyes of his; they were like a filter that let him see through everyone else’s bullshit while masking his own. “He’ll never forgive me for this.”
“Wrong,” he said nonchalantly, like my own heart wasn’t breaking in front of him. “He’ll forgive you because he loves you. Because he’s always fucking loved you.”
“I’ve hurt him too many times.”
“Please,” he scoffed. “I kissed his girlfriend. I made him take care of my sorry drugged-up ass for years. I kicked him out of my house after I told him he was free to crash. And, as it turns out, my words were the reason you decided you had to kiss me in the first place.” He shrugged. “And that doesn’t even begin to list the minor infractions that I’ve committed against our friendship—on purpose—over the years. Sorry, sweetheart. If he can forgive me to still be my friend, there’s no chance in hell he won’t forgive you. He loves you.”
My mouth parted on a small gasp. The way he said the words sounded almost like he was threatening me if I didn’t believe him.
Truth: I was afraid to believe him.
“I can actually speak from experience and tell you that having a kid dumped in your lap—in any circumstance—blows your fucking mind.”
“I should have told him a long time ago. I should have kept trying…”
“And he should have confronted you about kissing me. He shouldn’t have been a prideful dick and just let you walk away when his dumbass should have known that there was no way in hell you had any interest in me,” he retorted in annoyance—giving pep talks was not Nick’s forte. “People in love do stupid fucking shit. I mean just look at the rest of you.” He nodded over to Ally who was talking quietly while helping Lila find Spongebob on Netflix.
“I rarely make mistakes,” he continued, stopping as I huffed and eyed him with blatant disbelief. “I rarely make unintentional mistakes, but one of the biggest ones that I have was thinking that snowboarding meant more to Chance than you did. I was wrong.” And it looked like it was killing him to admit it. “I was wrong and I can’t say it wasn’t selfishly motivated. You were the most important thing to him and I fucking needed him because the rest of my life was on an express train to hell. And the next thing I knew, he was going to leave, too.”
“So, you thought I would break up with him?”
“Well, I certainly didn’t think you were going to stick your fucking tongue down my throat.” I winced. “Don’t worry, I don’t fucking remember it.”
“Sorry…”
“Aren’t we all…” He sighed loudly, looking over at his daughter who was laughing at the TV. “I know Chance will be back because now I know what it means to fucking love someone more than your own life, more than your own happiness.” He was talking about Lila and my heart broke all over again for him. “And I see that same look in his eyes when he talks, thinks, smells, sees, breathes you.”
I could only nod. My heart desperately wanting to believe him. My body trying to suffocate out the hope with tears, unwilling to be shattered by his loss again.
He gave me a hard stare and for a second, I wondered if it was only Lila that he’d been talking about. But, it had to have been because Nick Frost changed women more frequently than he changed underwear.
And then he was gone, back over to his daughter’s side.
‘I’m fucking leaving you. I never should have come back to you.’
The words that I’d heard rushed back to me and I shot up with a gasp. Dragging in air in massive gulps. A nightmare. Except it had also been yesterday’s reality.
I pushed myself up, watching a snowfall of tissue fly off the bed and onto the floor. Great, I groaned, picking up my phone. I scrolled past the five messages from Ally to get to my alarm that was set to go off in five minutes.
Of all the days, today was the one that I had told Dr. Lev I would help him with those physicals.
My heart stopped at the top of the stairs and I blinked twice, wondering if I was still in my dream. Was I walking into a scene from Inception? Where was the spinning top when I needed it? I bit into my lower lip as though that was an acceptable substitute test for reality.
Yup, he was still here.
And I wanted to cry all over again. Why was he here? Did he not take enough skin off of me yesterday?
I shook my head trying to stop the argument going on inside. I needed to go to work. I had a job to do.
And then his eyes flicked open, finding me immediately. Cautiously, I made my way down the staircase. When I reached the bottom, he was in front of me—every last hard, hot, heart-breaker inch of him.
“Jessa…” he rasped and it was like tiny little grains of sand being rubbed all over my body. My breath caught.
Whatever he was here for, whatever last part of me he thought he still had left to break, it was going to have to wait.
Holding up my hand, I murmured, “Chance, I can’t—“
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out, grabbing my hand and pulling it to his mouth.
I wanted to yank it back. I should have wanted to yank it away from the lips that ripped my heart from my chest. But those same lips that were kissing my palm had just apologized and my traitorous hand instead wanted to clasp around the source of those words and hold on for dear life.
“I-I have to go to work.” I was an emotional wreck. I didn’t know up from down, let alone hurt from hope.
His eyes flashed. The blue was so full, like a dam about to overflow.
“I need you to know I’m sorry for how I… handled the situation yesterday. I fucked up, J-bird. I’m fucked up…” My lower lip quivered and I felt one slippery tear squeak out of my eye. A strong, warm finger was there immediately to catch it. “I’m sorry,” he said with a heavy sigh. “Would you let me take you to work? It’s still snowing…”
No. Just say ‘No, thank—‘
“Ok.” Dammit.
If I wasn’t hurting so badly, the way he rushed to grab his jacket and keys would have been adorable, since I was all ready to walk out the door. He walked behind me to the passenger side and opened the door for me.
We made it down the driveway before he spoke again.
“Jessa—“
“Chance, I don’t know if I can do this,” I interrupted him. “I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. You have to know that I tried to tell you… all those years ago. I called you, b-but some girl answered. And—” I broke off, unsure why I was even telling him this now, but by the look on his face, a vague crumble of a memory was coming back to him. “It doesn’t matter. After yesterday, I can’t help but think that this was all wrong. We should have left us in the past.” My throat clogged with tears.
“Jessa.” His knuckles were white on the steering wheel. He hated what I’d said almost as much as I did. “Don’t do this. I’m sorry for being a fucking asshole yesterday. Yeah, you should have told me. Yeah, I was in fucking shock being blindsided by your breakdown and then Ally’s rant, but that’s no excuse for how I acted.”
I wanted to stop him because I didn’t want to hear the words that would so easily be able to change my mind so that it would fall in line with my heart.
My heart that was on a string; like a yo-yo, it would always come when he called.
We pulled into the parking lot of the clinic and Chance reluctantly put the car in park; he’d pulled into a space right in front of the main window. I could already see the mass of people inside the gym.
“I have to go in.” I hazarded a glance through the thick tension between us.
“Fuck…” His hand lightly smacked the top of the steering wheel. “I need you, J-bird. I fucking need you.”
And all I could think to say was, “I can’t be late.”
I slammed the door shut, knowing full-well that I’d left my heart sitting in the front seat of tha
t car. I tried to figure out what I was running from. The past, pain, the chance that this wasn’t real, or that it wouldn’t last… all things that came to my mind.
“Hey, Jessa!” Kyle greeted me with a smile that was far too big for this early in the morning on a Saturday. It looked like Dr. Lev had called in back-up since both Kyle and Monroe were there, along with two nurses.
Fantastic.
I was sure she was enjoying the giant raccoon eyes that I had from the potent cocktail of crying and sleeplessness that I’d imbibed last night. I was also sure that she’d seen who’d brought me to work today given the death-glare she was currently leveling me with.
I greeted Kyle quietly and followed his lead. There were about thirty high school athletes here that we needed to check. But, in what seemed like an assembly-line fashion, the gym had been transformed into stations to make everything move quickly and efficiently.
Shaky hands picked up my iPad from the table, searching for the first name on the list. When I looked up, I started. Chance was still in the parking lot. In his jeep. Staring at me through the window.
“Jacob Arthur?” The kid in front of me nodded. I went through the motions, ticked off the appropriate boxes, measured all the necessary rates and sizes, all the while thinking about the man who still wasn’t leaving the parking lot.
The man who still wasn’t leaving me.
Truly, I didn’t blame him for his reaction. I’d been stunned when I’d found out about the pregnancy and shattered when I realized that I’d lost it. To have to find that out… in the way that he did… I’m surprised that something wasn’t broken or someone wasn’t punched.
“Cory Phillips?” Measure. Record. Repeat.
I thought of the first day in the clinic with Chance. By the pool. Anger and revenge seeped so caustically from every pore in his body that I’m surprised it didn’t melt away the floor.
The man on the mountain yesterday was nothing like that Chance.
He was still unsure of his exact potential—but aren’t we all? At least he was no longer defiantly fighting it.
The Winter Games Page 105