The Ace and the Bear

by Caitlin Ricci

  He wouldn't ever have nothing. "You'd still have me. And my parents like you a lot."

  Ansel took my hand and I kissed him on his cheek. "Are you going to start being my sugar daddy and paying my bills for me though?"

  I really wished I could have done that for him, but I was living off of my parents too, and I knew they couldn't afford to cover his college as well. I shook my head and I hated not being able to give him something I knew he really wanted.

  *~*~*

  Our parents both came to pick us up, even though mine had offered to bring Ansel back home with us. I watched him go shake hands with his dad and kiss his mom on the cheek, and I wished he could have the life I did. His parents didn't know he'd had his first boyfriend and his first breakup all in one semester. Or that he'd had to kick butt and study all night for tests just to make up his grades because of that same boyfriend. I was turned around in the back seat looking back at Ansel and his parents as they got into his father's car and my parents drove me away.

  "So how are things?" my dad asked me.

  I shrugged. I didn't turn around. I could still see Ansel.

  "Anything interesting happening back there? Aliens invading or something?" my mom tried.

  I turned around and looked at them both. I couldn't really see Ansel anymore anyway. "I'm worried about him."

  "How come?" I was glad my parents didn't feel the need to ask which him I meant. There was only one guy in my life that I really cared about besides my dad.

  I sighed and leaned forward. I wished he was there in the car with us instead of stuck with his parents. "It's hard on him to not come out. You should have seen him at school. He's happy there. He's out and he has friends and he had a boyfriend for a bit there." They knew about Derek, or at least the basics of him, but not all the details. "And now he has to go back to pretending to be a small town straight kid who likes nothing more than hunting, trucks, and country music. He doesn't even listen to country music when he's not with them."

  My mom turned around in her seat. "Jonah, honey, do you have feelings for Ansel?"

  "Well, yeah. He's my best friend. Of course I have feelings for him." I wasn't really sure what she was getting at or what that had to do with anything. "But it's not like I'm in love with him or anything. We're not like that at all. Like, even when he was having sex all the time it wasn't like I was jealous or anything like that. I was more annoyed at him."

  My dad nearly missed our turn. "Back up. Ansel was having sex? Is he using protection?"

  "I don't know. I didn't exactly ask." I wasn't having sex with him, so him using condoms really wasn't my business. I sat back hard against the seat. "It's all just kind of a mess. He needs them, but they don't know anything about him. Like they don't know what a great guy he is or how funny he is or how he's always there for his friends. Or at least for me. They don't know his favorite movie or anything like that. They know who he pretends to be, and that's it and it's freaking sad as hell because he's totally great and he's so scared to come out to them."

  My mom patted me on my knee. "I know, sweetie. And I know you care a lot about him. But sometimes these things take time to work out. He'll always have a place with us though."

  "He won't come out until he no longer needs them to pay for college." Which meant another four years of him lying to them and pretending to be someone he wasn't all so he could continue to keep going to college and eventually get a degree and get out of the tiny town we both lived in.

  *~*~*

  On Christmas morning I sent Ansel a text. Merry Christmas. Hope Santa brought you something fun.

  I wanted to say a lot more to him. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him, but I didn't want to risk his parents finding his phone and reading the text. He'd deleted every single text before they had come to get him. He was careful and paranoid. And there I was on Christmas morning wearing a pride shirt and rainbow socks while watching a movie about two gay guys who were falling in love while planning a wedding together for their sisters.

  Missing him on Christmas was hard though. I wanted to see him, but his family wanted him with his family only. I kept touching the necklace he'd given me. I rarely ever took it off.

  He sent me a selfie just before I went to bed. It was him and some girl I didn't recognize. She was in a red sexy Mrs. Clause outfit and had her arms around him. She was even kissing his cheek. They set me up on a date. :(, he wrote.

  I wanted to say so much. I wanted to go over there and grab him and take him away from them and away from everything they stood for and were. And I wanted to bring him back to my house where I was welcomed for being me and so was he and he was loved there. His parents might have thought they loved him but they didn't even know him and I hated that so much.

  She's pretty, I wrote back. She was too. I wasn't being petty or mean about it. I really had nothing against her. I just felt bad for him and wanted to go rescue him from a life where he had to pretend the whole time.

  He didn't say anything back to me after that. I didn't really expect him to. He was probably busy and I didn't have anything good to add that would help him out of that situation. I wished I did, but I couldn't fix his parents for him. I could only be there for him when we were back at college and he was free to be himself again.

  *~*~*

  That first day back on campus we laid next to each other on my bed the whole day. Sometimes we held hands. Sometimes we napped. Mostly it was just good to be together again. I think maybe we just missed being two gay best friends who could cuddle on a bed with it meaning nothing more than we really liked each other.

  I enjoyed lying there next to him. I liked touching him too. I didn't think about the sex really, except in terms of how much I didn't really want to have it. That was pretty much all I wanted in a relationship. Even if I'd wanted to go to the aquarium or to a movie, I would have asked Ansel before any other guy. He knew how much I liked petting the stingrays or how much I hated when people got crunchy food at the theater and I couldn't hear because of all the crunching. He didn't get mad at me for the hours I could spend sitting with the sharks either. He did that with me.

  "Are you going to date anyone this semester?" I asked him as we sat on my bed eating microwave noodles out of plastic bowls.

  He shrugged. "Maybe. If someone comes along. Are you going to stop being a virgin this semester?"

  I knew he was teasing and I rolled my eyes. "When pigs fly maybe. It's not that high on my list of priorities."

  "Good. Get to know the guy first. Or something. That's what I should have done anyway."

  We hadn't really talked about Derek much after their break up. "Do you ever regret your relationship with him?"

  It took a long time, but Ansel eventually nodded. "He was cute and fun and he liked the same movies I did. But when it came to the actual relationship part? The sex and the rest of it? I think I would have liked it more if we'd gone slower. If I'd gotten to like something and really get into it before that was no longer enough and we had to do more."

  "I wish you'd told me that," I quietly said. "Any of it. I would have tried to do something. I would have tried to save you."

  He put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my temple. "I know you would have. But you can't always save me. I'm gonna do stupid shit sometimes, especially where guys are concerned. So are you someday and maybe I'll be able to save you from yourself and maybe I won't. I'll try really hard though."

  I smiled at him. "Thanks."

  I kissed him then. We hadn't kissed since he'd started dating Derek. It hadn't felt right to. But now that he was single again, I kissed him like we'd been doing for a long time. Just like we'd done that first time. I kissed him and it was okay because we were just friends and that was all it meant. And he kissed me too and then he ruffled my hair.

  *~*~*

  My first semester I'd just been trying to get through school and figure things out but by my second semester I figured I had a pretty good handle on all of it and I didn't n
eed to worry so much about studying every chance I got. So I joined the cooking club. It was more like the baking club but that was okay with me. I knew I liked sweets but not really how to make anything and it got me out of the dorm on the nights when Ansel still went to movie club.

  He liked movies and they went to a ton of them and watched them and discussed them. Sometimes I went with them but sitting around finding the deeper meaning in a look between the admiral and some other guy wasn't really my thing. I liked superheroes and I liked sweet romances and they watched a lot of war movies. He liked it, despite Derek still running the club, so I was glad for him.

  The first thing I learned how to bake were peanut butter cookies that only had three ingredients and at that point I was in love because the next thing was peanut butter fudge with just four ingredients. I hadn't realized how much I really liked peanut butter until that point but there I was bringing bags of cookies back to Ansel.

  I wasn't all that surprised to see Ansel with friends in the room when I got back. I'd gotten used to seeing Derek there all the time after all. I didn't know two of the guys standing around our room, but I was not excited at all to see Derek sitting on my bed.

  "Are you dating him again?" I asked Ansel. It was the first thing I said to him. I didn't care that I was being rude. I didn't care that Derek was glaring at me. He'd nearly ruined Ansel's chance at passing his classes last semester.

  Maybe Ansel should have been mad at me for being rude. But he just smiled at me and gave me a quick hug. "Never."

  I held onto his shirt as I shared the cookies I'd made with him. "Good. Here you go. I made these at the cooking club."

  "Nice." He kissed my cheek and put them in our little makeshift kitchen, leaving me momentarily alone with two guys I didn't know, and one I'd rather not have seen again.

  "Hi. I'm Jonah," I said to the two guys.

  The closest one to me stepped up and offered me his hand. "Tom and my brother Steven. I'm a junior."

  "Senior," the other guy spoke up.

  I nodded then looked back to Ansel. He was hinting at Tom, nodding at him where only I could see. I had no idea what he was doing.

  "Ansel says you like movies too," Tom said, bringing my attention back to him. "We're all going out tonight. Want to come along?"

  He was still holding my hand and now I got it. "Is Ansel trying to set us up?"

  Ansel grabbed me in a hug from behind, separating Tom and I. "Just come to the movies for starters," Ansel said.

  I rolled my eyes, but at least with me there I could make sure Derek didn't try anything. Ansel was a great guy and he deserved far better than whatever Derek thought he could offer him. He'd had his chance, and he'd blown it.

  "Sure. I'll come to the movies."

  Ansel gave me a big squeeze and I was glad he was happy I was going. Really, he was the only one I cared about being happy right there at all.

  Tom sat next to me at the theater. Ansel was on my other side. Derek, the jerk, as I was starting to call him in my head, was on his other side.

  "What kind of movies do you like?" Tom asked me while the previews were going.

  "Just... movies I guess. I like Marvel." I shrugged and went back to watching the previews. There were a few things coming up that I thought might look good and a few action movies, one with giant robots, that I definitely wanted to see.

  I saw Tom look at Ansel, and then Ansel shrugged. I pursed my lips.

  "What am I missing?" I grumbled at Ansel.

  "He likes you," Ansel hinted, pushing me at Tom.

  I looked to Tom and he was blushing as he gave me a little nod. "Sorry, but yeah, I do. And I didn't know how to talk to you or even get to know you. I mean, I knew you were Ansel's friend, but the way he talks about you and the way I saw you two when you were together, we all kind of thought you two were dating."

  "Oh. So..." I really had no idea what to say. "Hi."

  He smiled at me. "Hey."

  "Movie's starting," Ansel said, interrupting our moment of awkwardness. I was really glad for that.

  Sometime during the movie, Tom reached over and took my hand. I didn't make him let me go. I didn't really mind him touching me either. I'd held hands with Ansel tons of times but this felt kind of different. It was like, Ansel wanted me around for one reason, but Tom wanted me for a completely different reason. Maybe he thought I was cute. Whatever it was, I wasn't all that interested in pulling away from him.

  When the movie was over, Tom was still holding my hand and Ansel was kissing Steven. I stared at them both and they didn't stop kissing, not even when Tom cleared his throat.

  "Derek's gone," I told Tom as I sat back, watching the credits and waiting for Ansel to decide that Steven's face wasn't delicious or something.

  Tom smirked. "He probably got pissed when Ansel chose Steven over him. Ansel is making a better choice this time. Derek goes through guys like crazy but he hates when they turn him down."

  I rolled my eyes and wished Ansel had never met him. But apparently Steven was better and maybe Tom could be someone to have fun with sometimes so there was that. Maybe some good would come out of Ansel joining the movie club after all.

  When we got back to the dorms, I found out that Steven and Tom lived just one floor above us which was nice, I guessed. Ansel apparently thought it was. He kept saying so anyway.

  It was good to be alone with him again as soon as Tom and Steven had left us. Ansel was all smiles and big, swollen lips.

  "You like him," I teased.

  Ansel grinned. "Yeah. I do. Is Tom okay? I know you probably don't want a boyfriend right now, but maybe you could use another friend or something."

  "I wouldn't mind a boyfriend," I quietly confided in him, making him stop to be able to stare at me. "I was hoping to be more social this semester anyway."

  Ansel rushed over and gave me a big hug. "Good for you. Be social. If you ever want to go out on a double date or something, let me know. It'll be kind of funny that we're best friends dating two brothers. And if you ever need some lube or condoms, I've got plenty."

  I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. "Ew. No. Just stop right there. Just because I might like Tom does not mean that I'm going to be doing him anytime soon. Or ever."

  "That's what I said about Derek. Believe me, that kind of mentality doesn't last long when you're going hard under the covers and all you can think about is getting laid."

  I didn't have the faintest idea of what he was talking about. "Doubt it. But I guess we'll see."

  He gave me another hug then went to the fridge to eat some of the cookies I'd brought back for us. It was late, I was tired, but I was also kind of excited. I might have just had my first real date. I wasn't totally sure. It wasn't like he'd picked me up and we'd gone to dinner and a movie and he hadn't brought me flowers and chocolate or anything like that. But we had held hands for most of the movie and he had kissed me.

  *~*~*

  Ansel started hanging out with Steven a lot after that. And, when he and Steven were together, Tom would usually come hang out in the room with me. I was studying, usually, but he brought me hot chocolate and spiced cider and he always had a movie with him if I wanted to watch it, which I usually did.

  I liked hanging out with him. I liked that he made me laugh and I liked that he seemed to really enjoy kissing me. There came a point, about a month into our relationship that he started going for my pants. I would usually squirm away, if I could do it unobtrusively. But he was starting to notice. He was started to lay on top of me while we were kissing and he would rub against me. At first it didn't bug me. I didn't exactly want it, but I didn't mind it either. Then he opened his pants up and put my hands into his underwear.

  He kissed me harder while he had my hands there. He squeezed my fingers over him and he ground against my palms and after a few minutes, he came.

  "Sorry," he said as he sat back on his heels. "Next time we'll do you too. Unless you want to now?"

  I shook my head. "I'm uh
...I'm good. Thanks."

  He smiled at me and ran his hands over my thighs. "You look a little freaked out. Ansel said you were a virgin, but damn. I didn't think you were that much of one."

  I barely had time to process that Ansel was telling people about my lack of a sex life before Tom was going for my pants. He grabbed me through my jeans, then he was frowning and pulling back from me.

  "You're not even hard." He said it like it was some horrible thing I'd done wrong. Like there might have been something actually wrong with me too.

  "Maybe I will be next time," I mumbled. I didn't really know. I hadn't enjoyed it this time, and I wasn't sure I really would next time either. I wasn't grossed out by it. Not really. But I didn't like the cleanup, or the experience, or just any of it really. I'd rather not have done it at all, but I didn't exactly know how to stop it either. Besides, sex just kind of came with dating guys, so there was that too.

  He shrugged and pulled back. "Yeah. Maybe." He got off the bed and completely off of me. "So I'll see you later." He normally kissed me goodbye. This time he didn't. I was still lying there on my bed with my shirt pushed up from where he'd been touching me when we'd been kissing, and I had his come on my hands and he'd just left me like that. Like he couldn't wait to be away from me. Like I'd screwed up so badly by not being hard that he didn't want to be around me for even another second.

  I was trying hard not to cry as I got up carefully so that I didn't touch anything with my gross hands. I washed my hands and then I washed them again just to be sure. Then I sat down on my bed and I couldn't really do anything since I was so focused on how much I'd screwed up. Maybe my head wasn't in it. Or maybe I just didn't know what I was missing or something like that. I came up with a dozen different ways that it was my fault.

  I got my phone and searched for gay porn. I'd never been interested in going and looking at porn before. It was something that Ansel teased me about occasionally, though not so much anymore. And I played something that looked like it might have been interesting. Two guys having sex in the woods. It could have been just my thing. Only I started the video and I undid my pants and... nothing. I didn't get hard. I touched myself and nothing really happened. I grabbed myself and stroked it and it didn't feel great. It didn't even feel good. It was weird, and I didn't see the point of it at all. I quickly stopped and put myself away.