The Ace and the Bear

by Caitlin Ricci

  I was embarrassed for my failed attempt at getting hard, both now and before with Tom. And I was ashamed of it too. It felt like there had to be something wrong with me. The first time any guy had ever grabbed me there and I hadn't enjoyed it at all and I didn't know what to do about that.

  I'm sorry, I messaged Tom. I saw that he'd read the message, but he didn't answer me right away. An hour later he still hadn't replied and I was pretty sure he was pissed at me.

  *~*~*

  By the time Ansel got back that evening, I was such a mess. I'd been crying on and off for hours and I had no idea why I was so screwed up. Sex seemed to be something everyone enjoyed and yet there I was, definitely not normal because I hadn't liked it at all. I liked kissing. I really did. And hugging and cuddling but that was it. I didn't want Tom's hands under my shirt and I didn't want him touching my junk. And I didn't want to touch his either.

  "Uh. So Tom told us what happened," Ansel started off saying. "He was worried. Asked me if there was something wrong with you or if something happened to you that I knew about. I don't know of anything." He sat down beside me on my bed and took my hand. "But if there was something, you know you could tell me, right? Like if someone hurt you... if someone did something to you. You could tell me. I'd listen. You know I would."

  "Nothing like that has ever happened to me," I slowly told him. It was the truth. And if someone had ever even tried that with me, I would have told him about it. And he probably would have beaten them up for me.

  I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest. I felt better rocking myself than I did just sitting there. "Did you ever not like sex with Derek?"

  Ansel groaned, which I wasn't expecting. "God, all the damn time at first. And even some after that. Like, he went just too damn fast for me. And that's why I told Tom to be so freaking slow with you because I didn't want you going through that too. Did he just go too fast for you? I mean, it's been a while, so I kind of thought he wasn't rushing you, but if he was just tell him to slow down again. He'll probably do it."

  I stopped rocking and turned my head to the side to really look at him. "You sound like you talk about me and sex a lot with other people."

  He smiled at me. "Yeah. Because I want you to like it. Look, Derek, he wasn't great. He rushed me. He did stuff I didn't like. And sometimes I didn't really want to have sex with him but then I did because he made me feel bad about saying no and crap like that. So I wanted you to have a better first experience."

  He kissed my cheek and ruffled my hair and then he was gone, getting up from my bed and back on his phone where he was texting someone.

  "Thanks for the talk." I'd wished that he'd given me more. I wanted time with him again. I missed him and how we used to be back in the bed of his truck before either of us had started dating.

  "Of course. I texted Steven, who is going to tell Tom you're okay, and hey, things should work out again."

  I really wanted him to stop talking about me behind my back, especially for really serious stuff like this. Like, what if something had been done to me? Then what? He'd go tell everyone we knew that I'd been raped or something? I didn't want to think about that, but I was slowly beginning to realize that Ansel wasn't keeping secrets from his boyfriend, and I had to be careful about what I was saying to him. I'd never had to think about that before and I didn't like thinking about it now.

  "Do you want to do something this weekend? Just us?" I asked him. We hadn't done anything for just us for a long time. Since before he'd started dating Steven and I'd started dating Tom.

  He pursed his lips and looked at his phone. "I promised Steven I'd hang out with him. Sorry. But you could come with us to do something probably."

  That wasn't really what I'd been wanting though. "That's okay. Thanks though. Another time maybe."

  "Yeah. Another time would be good."

  *~*~*

  Tom took me out to a movie. It didn't matter to me that it was some remake of a foreign film and that there were no car chases or explosions in it. I was just glad to be going out on a date with him where he didn't expect sex from me and we could just hang out together.

  Only it was probably about ten minutes into the movie when he unzipped his pants and brought my hand into his underwear. He kissed my cheek and then my neck and I touched him.

  "You're so good at this," he whispered to me. And it may have been stupid, but I liked that he thought I was good at something that had to do with sex. I'd pretty much failed at it all in every other way but here he was telling me I was good at this one thing. And maybe that would be enough. Maybe he'd be satisfied with just this and we'd be okay.

  Sex seemed like such a huge thing in relationships and I wanted this one to work. I wanted things to be okay and it seemed liked me not being good at sex, and not wanting it really, was something that could be a major problem for us and would be for any other guy I dated. I didn't want that. I wanted to be normal and to have a normal relationship with a guy I liked.

  Tom came over my hand and then I pulled away.

  "Eat it," he whispered. He was watching me closely, like it was really important to him that I try it, so I did.

  And I hated it. The texture was weird. The taste was awful and way too strong. I had no idea how anyone could like it. I tried not to let him see how grossed out I was but maybe he could anyway because he sighed loudly.

  "Just go wash your hand off then."

  "I'm sorry," I mumbled. I'd failed again. And worse, this time I'd been really grossed out by what he'd asked me to do.

  He shrugged and turned away from me. He was already back to watching the movie as I was walking away. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands a few times. Then I texted Ansel. I needed reassurance and Tom didn't seem like he was going to give that to me. So I lifted myself onto the counter and texted my best friend, who knew these things because he liked sex and had plenty of it so I figured he had all the answers.

  How do you get used to the taste of come? I texted him.

  His answer only took a few minutes. You just do. Swallowing it is a lot easier than drinking it off something.

  Thanks. Like all things with sex, it seemed, this was just one of them where I had to do it often enough and then I'd get better at it or used to it or something.

  I was about to head back into the movie theater when Tom came into the bathroom to check on me. "There you are."

  "I was about to go back."

  He leaned against the wall. "Did you want to see the rest of the movie?"

  I wanted to finish my date with him. "Yeah."

  He pulled out his wallet and gave me a twenty. "Here's cab money for you then so you can get back to the dorms."

  I took the money and stared at my hands for a long time. "You don't want to see the movie anymore?"

  "No. You ruined it for me. Maybe I'll go see it with Steven and Ansel later. Look, whatever's going on with you, whatever's wrong with you, you've gotta be better about the sex stuff. No guy is going to want to date you when you can't even eat come without looking like you want to puke."

  His words hurt me more than I probably should have let them. I wanted to try again though. I didn't fail. That was one of my big things. I didn't fail classes or tests and I didn't fail on sex either. I looked over at him and hoped I didn't look like I was going to cry even though I felt like I was about to.

  "Can we try again?" I was pretty sure we both knew I was asking him not to break up with me in the bathroom of a movie theater.

  He shrugged like it didn't matter to him one way or another what we did. And that hurt too. But I was determined as I took his hand and brought him to the disabled stall.

  *~*~*

  "Was that any better for you?" Tom didn't sound like he really cared. Like there was no hope there in his voice. He wasn't expecting me to say sex had magically become good for me.

  I shook my head. "So we're over now, right?"

  "Definitely." He walked away from me.

  I rubbed at my
eyes. And then I hid in that bathroom for hours.

  I didn't want to go back to my empty dorm room, so I snuck into an action movie. And then I went into a horror movie. By the time they were closing I'd seen most of the movies the theater had to offer. I'd missed my classes for the day, but I didn't really care about that.

  It was almost midnight when the cab Tom had paid for brought me back to the dorm. I hadn't eaten much today, so I was starving, and it was good to see Ansel sleeping there as I came in as quietly as I could and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

  I sat down on my bed and ate my meal and pretended everything was okay and that my first boyfriend hadn't left me because I didn't like anything to do with sex. Or that I'd never find another boyfriend ever because everyone put such a high value on sex and I was screwed in that department. Pretending only lasted so long though. By the time I went to sleep I was miserable again and trying not to cry so I didn't wake Ansel up.

  *~*~*

  I woke up late the next morning, but I woke up to a text from Ansel so that made rushing to my first class a little easier.

  Hey. Where were you all day yesterday?

  Ansel would be in class right now ,so I knew he wouldn't respond back right away. Tom and I broke up. I stayed at the theater and watched as many movies as possible. They didn't throw me out. At least I was good at sneaking into movies. That was something.

  I didn't look at my phone again and ended up getting to my first class two minutes late. Three minutes was the cut off for not being counted as attending. Which would have screwed up my grade. But I was only two minutes late and the professor gave me a look which didn't really matter. I got the warning well enough. That's why I'd run the last few hundred feet to class.

  When I got out of class there was a text from Ansel. Tom told Steven and he told me too. Sorry it didn't work out. Maybe you'll like sex with the next guy more.

  I rolled my eyes. I'm pretty much done with dating. And with trying to have sex with anyone. At least there would be no one else to talk about my sex life like it wasn't some highly personal matter that shouldn't be shared with everyone.

  You can't be alone forever.

  I won't be. I've got you.

  Haha.

  I hadn't been joking. Ansel was my best friend. There was no reason, in my mind, that ever needed to change.

  *~*~*

  When summer break came around, I was so happy to be done with my first year of classes, but I could tell Ansel didn't want to leave. Or rather, he didn't want to leave Steven. He'd been with Steven for three days non-stop before coming back to the dorm room.

  "You have bite marks on your neck," I said as I was finishing up packing. "How are you going to explain them?"

  "I'm going to tell my parents my boyfriend likes to bite me during sex."

  I stopped packing and stared up at him. "Huh?"

  Ansel gave me the biggest grin I'd ever seen. "I'm going to come out to them. Right away. Maybe even on the ride home. Maybe even while we're still on campus. Screw it. I'm done hiding. And if they cut off my college funds then I'm going to get a job. I'll get a scholarship. Something. And I won't be able to afford the dorms then, but Steven said he and Tom and I, we could get an apartment together. I was going to ask you if you wanted to come live with us, but I figured after Tom and you broke up you wouldn't want to, and he and Steven are kind of a package deal so..."

  So what he was saying was that I was pretty much losing my best friend. It would be the three of them now, and I wasn't welcome in that circle.

  I forced my biggest smile and got off the bed to hug him. "I'm so happy for you. That's gonna be so great. I'm really proud of you."

  "You're not mad? I'm kind of springing this whole thing on you. But we'll still hang out."

  He didn't seem to consider how we hadn't hung out, just the two of us, in a long time. "Of course we will. And I'm not mad at all. It's awesome. If you need anything this summer, let me know. Seriously. And we can do stuff over the summer."

  "Yeah. For sure. It'll be fun."

  I hugged him. I tried not to think it would be for the last time.

  *~*~*

  When his parents came to pick him up I was already in the car with mine. I turned back around and stared straight ahead. "Ansel is coming out to his parents this summer," I said.

  "That's so great," my dad said. "Hey, is anything going on with you two? You haven't talked about him much when you've called us. Did you two have a fight or something?"

  I shook my head but couldn't make myself say anything out loud. Maybe it would be easier if we had had a fight. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much to feel like I was losing him. I could almost see it like I was a fortune teller or something.

  "What about that Tom guy you said you liked? What's happening there?" My mom sounded like she was trying to change the topic, maybe even cheer me up, but it wasn't really working. Not when my issues with Tom were even more depressing than the ones with Ansel. But my mom wanted me to say something. She was expecting that from me. And I'd never been one to lie to them and I wasn't about to start now.

  "Tom and I broke up."

  I saw my dad frown in the rearview mirror. "Jonah, I hadn't realized you two were dating. It seems like there's a lot going on with you right now. Do you want to come home for a while? Maybe do this next year at a community college? Or online maybe?"

  I wanted to say no, to tough it out at college in Springfield and my tiny town was just so absolutely tiny. But I didn't want to be around Ansel right then, and I didn't want to see Tom anymore and to know I was the whole reason my very first boyfriend and dumped me. I was done with all of that, and I didn't want to keep forcing it anymore.

  "I'm not sure yet. But maybe I'll do a semester online."

  I couldn't help but notice just how relieved my parents looked.

  "Just one. I'm not quitting school and I'm not moving back in permanently. I just..." I sighed. I really didn't want to get into this with them. I was too ashamed to tell them just how awful I was at dating and friendships and all the rest of it. "Some time away might be nice."

  My parents were quiet for a while, but I knew it wouldn't last. We'd always been really close. Up until this last semester.

  "Is there anything you want to tell us?" my mom asked when we were nearly home. "Anything we should know?"

  I shook my head. I thought about asking them if sex was really as important to everyone else as everyone made it out to be, but I was worried they'd tell me what everyone else did, and what I already knew. I was doomed to live alone and be alone forever and then to die alone. Or I could suck it up and try dating again. Try having sex again. I didn't want to be alone forever. I didn't even want to be alone right now.

  *~*~*

  I got the text I was both dreading and expecting from Ansel around nine that night. My parents kicked me out. They took away my truck and they've stopped paying for my school.

  Want us to come get you? My parents were getting ready for bed, but I knew they would jump up and go rush to help him the moment he asked for it.

  Steven and Tom are coming to get me. Thanks though.

  I told myself it was normal for him to go to his boyfriend for help over his best friend, if that was even what I was anymore.

  *~*~*

  I didn't hear from Ansel much after that. Sometimes he'd send me a text to say hi or something, but it wasn't like how we were before. Not by a long shot. And then, in August, right before school was supposed to start back up again, I realized I hadn't heard from him in weeks. I hadn't noticed, and I hadn't missed him either. It was like he'd simply disappeared out of my life, and more than that, I seemed to be fine with it. Realizing that made me sad about how our friendship had ended all over again, but it was still better than if we'd had a fight or something. Maybe. I wasn't sure. I missed the finality of it, but also I just missed him. I missed the afternoons in his truck, or that first day we'd spent on campus where we'd shared my bed and just laid there
together. I missed that side of him. Before he'd ever joined the movie club. Before he'd ever started dating anyone and it had just been the two of us there together, best friends against the world.

  *~*~*

  I joined an online forum. I was on the computer all the time anyway since I'd signed up for four classes online that fall semester, so I was constantly reading about something or writing short essays, or answering questions about something or other. But the people in the Marvel forum I was part of, they became my friends.

  I still missed Ansel every day. There was a movie I really wished I could have seen with him, and my parents even suggested that I invite him to it, but we were so far past the point of texts and inviting each other out by then.

  Instead I'd started seeing this other guy. His name was Charlie, and he was a few years older than me. More like ten. For once, I didn't tell my parents. I knew they wouldn't be okay with it. So when Charlie picked me up, I told them he was twenty-four, which still made them frown. Charlie went along with it too. He took my hand and he smiled at me and he promised my parents he'd have me home by midnight.

  The movie was at six so I figured we'd have dinner before since it was only four when he picked me up, but he took me back to his apartment where I stood awkwardly against the wall while he started smoking pot.

  "Want some?" he asked, offering me the joint.

  I shook my head. "I didn't know you smoked." I didn't know a whole lot about him at all actually. He liked Marvel movies like me and he lived in Springfield. That was good enough for me.

  "It's no big deal. Just gets me loose. You know?"

  I had no idea.

  He came over and started kissing me. Even though I liked kissing guys, the taste in his mouth was awful. He sat me down on the couch and kept kissing me. I tried to ignore the taste of him, but it was hard to do, especially when I couldn't distract myself with anything.