by Jeane Watier
Alone in her office, she recalled what Rachael had advised her to do if she felt overwhelmed with all that she was learning. She closed her eyes and tried to envision a beam of light shining down on her, but all she could see was darkness. She continued, trying to imagine what it might feel like, but nothing came to mind. Somehow, the darkness seemed appropriate; it’s what her life felt like most of the time. Feeling defeated, she rested her forehead in her hands, silently questioning how she could possibly be God, or even a part of God, when she felt so weak and insignificant. Maybe God’s forgotten that I even exist.
She got up, walked to the window of her office, and stared out at the clouds drifting lazily across the sky. If God is energy and I’m truly a part of God, then why can’t I feel this energy?
Suddenly the clouds parted, and for a brief moment, the sun shone down in all its brilliance. Jenna closed her eyes again and allowed its soothing rays to embrace her. Is this what God’s energy feels like? she asked, already knowing the answer. Is this what love feels like? The knowing was so powerful, she wanted to hold on to it and never let it go.
Even as she walked back to her desk, Jenna could feel the penetrating warmth and the luminance. As she closed her eyes again, it was still there, and it felt just as Rachael had described—tender and loving. If this is God’s way of communicating with me...If I have a Divine Source always with me, loving and guiding me, then there really is hope! She was eager to share her insights with Rachael.
The clock on her desk told her it was time to go home, so she closed the computer file she was working on and picked up her things. As she left her office, she heard Rachael’s voice. “Jenna, do you have a minute? I was hoping to catch you before you left. I wanted to see how you were after all we discussed last night.”
“I just had an interesting experience.” Jenna described what had happened in her office. “I was feeling kind of down and really confused about some of the things we talked about, but when the sun came out, it felt like it was there just for me. It felt like a sign.” As they walked outside together, Jenna felt the sun on her face again, and the good feelings returned. “Why has the sun never made me feel this way before?”
“You’re discovering your connection. You’re becoming more aware.” Rachael squeezed Jenna’s arm. “Your Inner Guide has always been with you, but until now, you’ve been too focused on the contrast to be able to feel it.”
“I wanted to ask you about that,” Jenna frowned. “Why is it set up that way? How can we be part of something so phenomenal and yet be totally unaware of it?” They reached the train station and had to go in different directions. “I’d love to get together again. I have so many more questions.”
“Maybe you should write them down and give me some time to study up,” Rachael grinned. “I can’t promise to have all the answers, but I’d love to meet again. Do you have any time this weekend?”
“Saturday might work. I’ll have to check for sure, but I think I can get away.” Jenna really hoped that Geoff would be available. She didn’t want to leave the kids with sitters.
“Great! I’ll keep Saturday open, then,” Rachael promised. “And if you can make it, join us at Trophies on Friday. It’s a great place.”
“Thanks, I’ll let you know. See you tomorrow,” Jenna waved as she got on the train. It was kind of Rachael to offer, but Jenna still didn’t feel comfortable joining them. She felt as though she’d be intruding. Rachael and Gail were such good friends. On top of that, Jenna didn’t know whether Gail was aware of her situation. I don’t think Rachael would tell Gail about our conversations, but what else would the three of us have in common? It might be awkward. I’ll have to think of an excuse.
~
Rachael smiled to herself as she rode home on the train. She was glad that Jenna was so open to learn new things, but what was really exciting was that she was already experiencing her connection with Source Energy. She thought back to when she’d first become aware of her loving Inner Being. The experience wasn’t like a lightning bolt. It was more like a series of soft whispers and warm fuzzy feelings, the sense that it was all going to be okay, a reminder that she was truly loved. Those feelings had continued to grow and expand, and she was grateful for how far she’d come—grateful too that she could use what she had learned to help others.
As she opened her front door and walked into her house, Rachael was filled with appreciation for her home. It was cozy and inviting. It still needed a few more pieces of furniture and some accessories, but it was hers, and it felt really good. She was just about to open the freezer and decide what to have for dinner when the phone rang.
“Hey, Rach.” She heard Gail’s lilting voice. “I missed you after work. I had to run to the bank before it closed. What are you up to tonight?”
“Not much. I was just about to decide between frozen turkey with mashed potatoes and peas, and Chicken Swiss with rice and broccoli. Why?”
“God, I can’t believe you still eat that stuff. Frozen TV dinners—gag!” Gail mocked.
“Well, we can’t all be gourmet chefs. Besides, it’s easy, and...they’re actually quite good,” Rachael said in her own defense.
“I was going to ask if you wanted to see a movie tonight, but why don’t we get something to eat first? You need someone to rescue you from your culinary slothfulness.”
“Hey,” Rachael charged, laughing. “That’s not fair. I intend to learn how to cook one day, but for now I like my slothfulness. Dinner out does sound good, though,” Rachael added. She loved going out to eat, especially with her best friend. “Have you been to that new sushi bar on Fourteenth yet?”
“No, I was just going to suggest that. You read my mind. I can swing by and pick you up in about twenty minutes. Does that work?”
“Perfect.” Rachael hung up the phone and shook her head. “Culinary slothfulness. How does she come up with this stuff?” She was used to Gail’s teasing now. She had even become quite good at serving it right back to her. They always had fun together, and Rachael was looking forward to the evening ahead.
Gail had called ahead for reservations, so when they arrived at the restaurant, they didn’t have to wait and before long had their food. “All right, you win. This beats TV dinner,” Rachael admitted. “In fact, it’s really good,” she declared, taking another bite. “We’ll have to put this on our favorites list.”
“I’m going to have to remove a few of the places on that list for a while,” Gail sighed. “I’ve just started a new diet. This one’s different,” she emphasized in response to Rachael’s look of skepticism. “It is! Don’t give me that look. This one’s been getting really good reviews.”
“Movies get good reviews,” Rachael argued. “Diets by their very definition don’t work. I thought you’d sworn off any more of those fad diets.”
“Don’t criticize me,” Gail pouted. “I have to lose twenty pounds. Rob’s mom is getting remarried, and I want to look good. I’ll be meeting a lot of his family for the first time. You should be thankful that you can eat anything and not gain a pound. I’m so jealous of you.”
“When’s the wedding?” Rachael ignored Gail’s last comment; she knew she wasn’t serious.
“It’s not until the end of April, but I want to lose the weight for our cruise too. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bathing suit looking like this,” Gail gestured to her midsection.
Gail was 5’4” and had always been slightly overweight. With a flawless complexion and a glowing smile, she was actually very pretty, but she was sensitive about the extra pounds.
“Why don’t you try using the Law of Attraction to get what you want?”
“Are you kidding? Attraction is how I put on this extra weight in the first place,” Gail joked. “I’m attracted to pastries, chocolate, rich sauces…”
“I know, I know,” Rachael smiled as she cut her off. “But why not try a different approach? When you think of your body weight, what comes to mind? How do you feel?”
�
��I feel fat and unattractive,” Gail admitted. “I don’t feel as healthy or as energetic as I’d like to. I definitely don’t feel sexy. And I’ve tried so hard to change, with so little success, that I feel kind of helpless in that whole area.”
“So when it comes to your body weight, what would you say your focus is?”
“I guess I’d have to say that my focus has been on the negative.”
“And what happens when we focus on the negative?” Rachael continued the friendly interrogation.
“Okay, okay! I can see where you’re going with this.” Gail put a stop to the conversation, momentarily, as she paid the bill. The theatre was only a few blocks away, so they decided to walk.
“You make it sound so easy,” Gail challenged once they were outside. “But do you really think this could work for losing weight?”
“Yes. I totally believe in this. It works. Only, don’t do it to lose weight.”
“Hold on. Now you’re not making any sense.”
“Think about it,” Rachael explained. “What you focus on expands. In your case, literally.”
“Ouch, that hurt!” Gail pretended to be serious but couldn’t hide her smile.
“Sorry,” Rachael laughed. “I couldn’t resist.”
“So how would it work, then? If my goal isn’t to lose weight, what is it?”
“Well, what do you want?”
They reached the movie theatre and stood in line for tickets. “Let me pay for the movie,” Rachael insisted. “You got dinner.”
“What do I want?” Gail frowned as she answered her friend’s question. “I want to lose weight.”
“Actually, the extra weight is what you don’t want. What do you want?” Rachael asked again.
“I want you to stop asking me the same f’n question!” Gail grabbed her ticket out of Rachael’s hand and walked on ahead.
Rachael laughed as she caught up with her friend. She knew she could be too intense sometimes, but Gail had a way of putting her in her place.
After finding seats, they had several minutes to wait before the previews began and Gail asked, “Do you want some popcorn or something to drink?”
“I couldn’t eat another bite. I’m full from dinner.”
“Actually, I am too,” Gail agreed. “It’s just a habit…a bad habit.” She was quiet for a moment, and then staring at the blank screen before them, she stated softly, “I want to have better eating habits.”
“There, that’s focusing on the positive.”
“I want to feel good,” Gail continued. “I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to feel good in my clothes. I want Rob to be proud of the way I look. I want to feel sexy.”
“Now you’re getting the hang of it. Doesn’t that feel better than focusing on what you don’t want?”
“Yeah. You’re right. It does. So I just focus on the things I do want—like you’re doing with your Mr. Perfect? I just imagine it the way I want it to be? Imagine myself thin and sexy, feeling good in my body and in my clothes?”
“Exactly! You get so fixated on the things that you want, you drown out the vibration of the things you don’t want.3”
Gail was quiet again, contemplating the words she’d just spoken. “I don’t think I’ve ever had to deliberately focus to make things happen before. This is new territory for me.”
“That’s okay. Most people just observe their situation and then have an emotional response,” Rachael said. “But you’ll do fine. You’ve already noticed that when things are going good, you feel good, and when things are going bad, you feel lousy. This is just taking control—using your power of focus to deliberately guide your thoughts. As you focus on what feels good, the Universe will line up the things you want and create a way for them to happen. It’s Law of Attraction at its finest.”
“My dear, you’ve proved your point. I bow to your wisdom.” Gail lowered her head in mock reverence. “Now shut up; the movie’s starting.”
Rachael laughed, elbowing Gail as she settled in to enjoy the show. She knew for all her joking that Gail really did enjoy talking about the subject that was so close to Rachael’s heart.
~
When Geoff walked in the house, all was quiet, and the lights were off. Jenna was obviously out with the kids. He tried to remember if Brenton had hockey that evening, or if Chelsea had piano lessons or maybe dance class, but it was no use. Jenna kept track of their schedules and organized everything. He appreciated that about her.
After getting a beer out of the fridge, he turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels and stopped to catch the hockey scores, but his mind wasn’t on it. Instead, he kept questioning why the things he wanted in life always seemed to elude him.
Geoff sighed as he thought about his dreams. He’d always imagined making it big in some way or another. Not having much growing up, he swore his life would change. He didn’t want to just get by; he wanted to live life to the fullest. He’d taken many different routes trying to achieve that success, some of them just plain stupid. There’d been all kinds of multilevel marketing companies and even some outlandish investment schemes. He’d made some money, but never the kind of wealth he was dreaming of.
But the deal with Jim was different. He’d met Jim through an MLM company they’d both been involved with, and they’d become friends. He knew Jenna didn’t really care for him, but Jim was okay. He had the same kind of drive and determination that Geoff felt when he saw potential in a new idea.
Jim had called him one day last year, excited about a new product he’d come across. The guy who had come up with it was a smalltime inventor, and he was looking for ways to market it. Seeing the potential in it as well, Geoff had suggested setting up a marketing company. Within a few months, they had several products they were promoting, and their company was doing all right. They had several decent sized investors, and they were learning ways to get around government red tape.
Then they stumbled on what looked like the chance of a lifetime. It required more money than all their other products put together, and because of its international potential, they had to work with several governments to get the approval they needed. Both Geoff and Jim had borrowed money from their savings to get things off the ground. Jenna had been skeptical, but Geoff assured her it was a safe investment.
They found more investors and for weeks were making steady progress, getting the approval they needed. More money was required to get production started, so Geoff decided to take out a second mortgage on their home. He couldn’t bring himself to ask Jenna; he knew she’d never agree to it, so he opted to go ahead with it anyway and explain later.
At that point, they hit a snag. Specialized testing showed some minor problems with the prototype. The engineer was confident he could work them out, but it scared off one of the investors.
That was when Jim had met Arthur Jenkins. He’d been their ticket to success. But now that had fallen through, and Geoff didn’t know how long it would take, or whether they could even salvage the deal. He’d just come from the second meeting that week with prospective investors. Both had declined. Things weren’t looking good.
Geoff took a deep breath and closed his eyes. If they didn’t find another investor soon, the whole project would be in serious trouble. He thought about what would happen if the deal fell through. He thought about all the time and money he’d put into it. He thought about having to tell Jenna…
A chill ran down his spine, and he shook his head determinedly to stop the direction his mind was racing. Somehow, they had to make it work. There was too much at stake now.
Chapter 7
Jenna dropped Brenton off at his hockey practice and then drove Chelsea to piano lessons. Her teacher didn’t particularly encourage parents to stay, so Jenna went back to the rink, knowing that Brenton would appreciate her being there. As she walked in, she recognized some of the other parents, but she didn’t know them well. They all seemed to know one another, and she felt like an outsider again. Sh
e stood by herself for a moment in the cold rink and then decided to go and wait in the car.
As the warm sun shone in through the window of her vehicle, she was reminded of her experience at the office the day before. Just remembering it felt good. She really wanted to get together and talk with Rachael again soon. She hoped it would work out for the coming weekend.
Jenna got lost in her thoughts, and suddenly Brenton was walking toward the car. The practice was over. “Mom, why didn’t you come in and watch like all the other parents? We had a pretend game, and I scored a goal.” Brenton sounded disappointed as he jumped in the back seat.
“Sorry, I didn’t bring a warm enough jacket. I promise I will next time. Okay, bud?” Jenna hated disappointing her kids. She tried to be all they wanted and needed in a mother, but she felt so inadequate sometimes.
She couldn’t even remember her own mother. She’d died when Jenna was three years old. Her father couldn’t or wouldn’t raise her, so she’d spent her childhood in and out of foster homes. Her grandparents took her in when she was nine. They were extremely strict, and Jenna always felt that she was more of a burden to them than anything, even with all her efforts to please them.
Jenna shrugged off the painful memories and went to pick up Chelsea from her piano lesson. She decided to give in to their pleas for ice cream before going home. Geoff always spoiled them with candy and treats when he took them out, but she knew he was just trying to make up for not spending more time with them.
Geoff was home when they got back, and he seemed troubled about something. After sending the kids upstairs to get ready for bed, she went to sit in the family room with him. She picked up her book and then put it down again. “How was your day?”
“Fine.” His answer didn’t match the look on his face. He was unusually quiet and serious.