by Jeane Watier
“Anger,” Rachael smiled, “that’s better.”
Jenna suddenly realized what Rachael had done, and she laughed through her tears. She could feel it. Getting angry at Rachael had moved her up the emotional scale; she could feel the difference.
“Thank you.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how you did that.”
“A lot of practice,” Rachael smiled.
Jenna realized now that she wanted to share what had happened with Rachael. “It would be nice to go back to your place if you don’t mind. I need to sort a few things out before I go home.”
“Let’s go.”
They walked the short distance back to the train platform. While they waited, Jenna called Geoff’s cell phone. It went to his voicemail, so she left a simple message. “Geoff, I won’t be home after work. I’m going to Rachael’s. I...talked to a woman at the bank today.”
Then she tried calling home and was relieved when Chelsea answered. “Hi sweetie, can you give
Daddy a message for me? Tell him I won’t be home for dinner? There’s a pizza in the freezer you guys can have. Will you feed Molly for me?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll be home later. I love you.” Jenna noticed a twinge of guilt as she put her cell phone back in her purse. She wanted to be with the kids, but she couldn’t face Geoff.
Rachael and Jenna found seats together on the train, but as they pulled away from the station, heading in the opposite direction of her house, Jenna’s guilt increased. She sighed, turning to Rachael. “Sometimes it seems like negative thoughts come in so thick and fast, it’s overwhelming to try to deal with them.”
“We tend to borrow thoughts from the past or project them into the future,” Rachael explained, “and that affects our now. Try to ask yourself how you feel now, right in this moment. It takes a bit of practice, but you’re in tune with your emotions, so you’ll get this easily. Our minds can only focus on one thought at a time. Sometimes it feels like more because they come in one right after the other. Remember what I told you about thoughts being energy? They attract similar thoughts. Once you start thinking in a certain direction, they can pick up speed quickly.”
Jenna nodded.
“But if you ask yourself how you feel right now, you’ll find that one dominant thought stands out. That’s the one you need to deal with. Thoughts evoke emotions,” Rachael explained, “so if you can recognize the feeling, it’s easier to address the thought that caused it.
“Right now, I’m feeling guilty for not being at home with my kids.”
“Okay, that’s good. I mean...it’s good that you’re aware of what you’re feeling. Now try to rephrase that in a way that feels a little better.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Well, you might say, ‘I’m not at home with my kids right now, but what I am doing is very important, and I know they’ll understand’ or ‘I’m a good mother, and I spend time with my kids every day. This is just one day, and I know they’re at home having fun with their dad.’ ”
Jenna felt her vibration lift. “I see what you mean. That does feel better. I could think about Chelsea at home looking after the new kitten—she loves doing that. Or the way Geoff makes a game out of everything with the kids—I’m sure they are having fun right now.”
“That’s it; you’ve got it!” Rachael squeezed Jenna’s arm.
“Can it really be that simple every time?”
“It can be easy if we believe it is. The tricky part is retraining our belief systems.” The train screeched to a halt, and Rachael stood up. “This is our stop.”
~
Geoff listened to Jenna’s message. Shit. Why didn’t I tell her right away? Now she’ll think I was trying to hide it from her. He’d intended to tell her everything Saturday, but her reaction had shocked him. When she walked out, he’d been sure that their marriage was over, and when she came back, she was so different. Since then, he’d been trying to find the right time.
Geoff knew that Jenna rarely looked at the bank statements, but he kept them filed away just in case. It really didn’t matter now, but he wondered if she had suspected something and called the bank herself, or whether they’d contacted her. He looked on the call display, and sure enough, they’d called that afternoon. They must have called her at work when they couldn’t reach him.
There was also a message from his partner, Jim. Geoff had been ignoring his calls, but now he could use someone to talk to. He dialed his number.
“Hey, man, where have you been? Haven’t you been getting my messages?”
“I needed some time,” Geoff explained. “Things are bad here. Jenna just talked to the bank. She knows everything, and she’s really pissed.”
“You didn’t tell her about the loan yet?”
“I started to tell her about it on Saturday, but she left before I got a chance to tell her everything.”
“She left?”
“She just took off—said she had to think. She didn’t come back till Sunday, and since then she’s been really different.”
“Look. We need to talk.”
“What’s to talk about, Jim? The deal is over. It’s history. Let’s clean up the mess and move on.”
“No. It’s not just that. I’ve been learning some stuff lately. I think we could use it to get the business back on track.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Geoff didn’t want to hear about another one of Jim’s schemes. “Jim, we have to face our losses here. Let’s be realistic.”
“That’s just it. Reality isn’t what we think it is...I mean it is, but we can change it. There’s more at work here than we know, Geoff. A power bigger than us.”
“Oh, God. You didn’t go and get religious, did you?” Geoff asked, half seriously.
“This has nothing to do with religion,” Jim replied. “It has to do with science. It’s how we’re made and how the Universe works. We’re made up of energy. We’re like radio transmitters. Our thoughts are magnetic. We’re actually creating what we think about. This Universe is based on a Law of Attraction. It’s all cause and effect, and we’re the cause, or our thoughts are.”
“Okay.” Geoff wasn’t sure that he believed him. Nevertheless, he wanted to see where Jim was going with it. “So, say this is true. What has it got to do with our business?”
“Daddy, we’re hungry.” Chelsea came into Geoff’s office, little brother in tow. “Mommy called and said she’s not going to be home for dinner. There’s a pizza in the freezer we can have.”
“Okay, honey, I’ll be right there,” Geoff responded to his daughter. “Jim, I have to go.”
“Can we talk about this sometime?”
“Yeah, sure,” Geoff agreed. “I’ll call you.”
Chapter 18
As Jenna and Rachael walked the last two blocks to her house, they were both quiet. The clouds had passed, and the sun was shining again, bathing them both in its luminous glow. Jenna thought about her kids now and no longer felt guilty. There was power in the method Rachael had shown her, and she wanted to be able to apply it quickly and easily, just as Rachael did. As basic as the teaching was, Jenna still had more questions. “You mentioned retraining our belief systems. Can you tell me some more about that?”
“Our beliefs manifest to become our reality,” Rachael stressed. “We’ve been taught to believe that problems are hard to overcome, that we can’t do certain things, or that miracles are rare occurrences that only happen to others—and therefore, that’s exactly what we experience, but if we can change our belief system, anything can happen.”
“I guess,” Jenna allowed. “That sounds like a lot of work, though.”
“I used to let things build up, and then I felt like I had to spend days sorting through my thoughts, trying to figure out the problem, and finding a solution. But with this approach,” Rachael explained, “it’s moment by moment. As I pay attention to my emotions, I can feel when they change, and I can do something about it.”
“I think I know what you mean. I’ve felt that. So...once I realize how I feel and determine the thought or belief behind it, it’s just a matter of saying it in a way that feels better?”
“Yes. We can be so unaware of the things we’re saying, we don’t even know they’re negative. When you say, ‘I can’t do that’ or ‘this always happens to me’ or ‘I think I’m coming down with something’—those words are indicators of your belief systems, which directly affect your life. If you start changing your words, then gradually your beliefs will change, too.”
Rachael’s house was warm and welcoming, and Jenna sat down on the sofa to wait while Rachael made them some coffee. She knew she wanted to share what had happened earlier, but she started to feel apprehensive again.
Rachael’s words came back to her, and she asked herself what she was feeling in the moment. She was angry with Geoff, and fearful about their financial situation, but there was something else. As she poked around at the unidentified emotion, she realized it was shame. She was feeling ashamed about the whole situation. Having worked in a bank for several years, she’d learned to be careful with her money. Now she was feeling guilty for not being aware of what was going on sooner.
That’s it! There was a sense of satisfaction in having determined what emotions were at work. In that moment, guilt was the dominant feeling.
Rachael brought their coffee into the living room and sat down with Jenna. “I put some dinner in the oven. It’ll be ready in about thirty minutes.”
“I just realized that I’m feeling ashamed about what happened today,” Jenna blurted. “I asked myself how I was feeling in the moment, and there were a few emotions that seemed to be there, but you were right, one is more dominant.”
“You’re getting this,” Rachael encouraged.
Jenna told Rachael about the phone call from the bank and the state of their finances. Then she tried to sum up how she was feeling about it. “I want to be angry at Geoff for letting this happen, but I keep beating up on myself because, maybe, if I’d paid closer attention, it wouldn’t have gotten out of hand.”
“Guilt and shame…” Rachael reflected. “I remember feeling those emotions after my parents divorced. I felt guilty because I thought I was part of the reason for their problems, and I felt ashamed around my friends. They kept asking all these questions, and I just wanted to hide. But guilt is guilt,” she continued. “Whether you feel guilty for not being with your kids, or for not monitoring your finances, the bottom line is it feels awful. It’s way down there on the emotional scale.”
“I know,” Jenna agreed, “so now I need to think about this situation in a way that feels better.”
“Exactly.”
Jenna was so glad that Rachael was helping her. She felt supported. She’d shared something she was ashamed about and hadn’t been judged. “I feel a little bit better already, just sharing this with you. You’re always so encouraging; I can’t help but be a little less critical of myself.”
“It’s because I know who you really are,” Rachael attested. “Your Inner Being isn’t judging you. It’s your inner critic—those old tapes that you’ve picked up along life’s trail, telling you that you’re not good enough.”
“Yes.” Jenna had forgotten about that. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t have to listen to those voices in my head!” She brightened. “Rachael, this is starting to make sense. What happened is already in the past. I can’t change it. I just need to find a more positive way to think about it.”
Rachael smiled, “Jenna, you’re amazing. You’re totally getting this. I’m so proud of you.”
“You told me that nothing is more important than feeling good. Those words have stayed with me. It’s what I want more than anything else.”
“Okay. Let’s find a way to think about your financial situation differently. You said you feel guilty. Let’s work on that.”
“I wish I’d been aware of the situation sooner,” Jenna began.
“How does that statement feel?”
“Not good. Let me try again.” Jenna thought for a moment. “I haven’t been monitoring our financial situation lately, but that’s all right; I can pay closer attention in the future.”
“Good, keep going,” Rachael encouraged.
Jenna thought a bit more. “It’s not my fault that our bank account is in the red right now.”
“How did that feel?”
“It was good to state that it’s not my fault, but when I said, ‘in the red,’ I felt fear.” Suddenly the reality of their situation hit Jenna, and the fear intensified. “Rachael, I can feel better about my part in this, but that doesn’t change the fact that we have to find the money somewhere to cover our expenses.”
“Jenna, I know this seems hard to grasp. It took me awhile, too. But your work is about feeling better; it isn’t about finding the solution. Trust me, if you can begin feeling better about your financial situation, the solution will come. The Universe will take care of it.”
“I want to believe that.”
“I’ve proved this over and over. I know it works,” Rachael stressed softly. “It’ll work for you, too. I’ll help you through this.”
Jenna took a deep breath. “Okay. I can do this. I want to feel better.”
“You said you’re feeling fear right now,” Rachael continued. “Let’s deal with that.”
“Our account is overdrawn, and our savings are used up. The only money we have is tied up long term. I don’t know what we’re going to do.” Jenna felt the powerful fear associated with her words.
Then, as she thought of Geoff’s reckless actions, anger rushed in to replace the fear. “I’m so mad at Geoff right now. He can be so irresponsible! He gets going on some deal, and that’s all he thinks about. They’re all ‘sure things’ until something happens and they fall through. I don’t know how many times we’ve been through this.” She felt the tears running down her cheeks. Rachael handed her a tissue, but remained silent.
“All he thinks about is money,” Jenna sniffed. “He thinks it’s the answer to everything. He’s so determined to find his big break, he lets it affect his better judgment.” Jenna paused a moment, thinking about how persistent Geoff was. She hadn’t always seen it as a bad thing. He’d told her about his dreams when they first met, and ironically, it was one of the things she’d admired most about him. Then a thought occurred to her. She was going to ask Rachael about it, but the timer went off, and Rachael excused herself to go and take their dinner out of the oven.
Rachael returned with their food, setting it on the coffee table. “Sorry about that. You were talking about Geoff looking for his big break. Go on.”
“I just thought of something, and I wanted to ask you about it,” Jenna said. “I’ve been focusing on myself through all this, but what about Geoff. As I was telling you about his determination and his dream of getting rich, I realized he’s creating his own reality, too. Maybe I’m being too selfish.”
“How does that thought feel?” Rachael asked again. “I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s the most important question you can ask yourself.”
“I know. Please keep reminding me of that. You don’t know how much you’ve helped me already.”
“There’s something I’ve learned about selfishness. It’s not bad or wrong. It’s necessary and important. No one knows what’s best for you, except you. If you don’t take care of yourself, nobody else will. They can’t. They’re too busy taking care of themselves.”
“I’ve never thought about it like that. But...don’t you have to draw the line somewhere and think of others, too?”
“You can care for yourself and still love others. In fact, the more you love yourself, the more you begin to love others. And until you love yourself, you can’t really love anyone else.”
“This all makes sense, but it brings up so many issues. Like, what if me doing what’s best for me affects somebody else in a negative way?”
“If yo
u’re letting your feelings guide you,” Rachael clarified, “you could never hurt someone on purpose and feel good about it. But sometimes, people come to depend on you acting in a certain way so they can feel good, and if you stop, they can try to make you feel guilty about it.”
“I know that all too well. I know what it’s like, too, to try so hard to please people and then feel bad when they don’t respond the way I’d hoped.”
“You just have to trust that others are okay and focus on your own journey. You can’t create in someone else’s experience, and they can’t create in yours, but as you both focus on your desires and align with them, the Universe has the ability to grant what you both want.”
Jenna was quiet for a minute. The issue of selfishness had brought up so many other questions that they’d gotten off the topic she really wanted to address. She was eager to get back to the work she’d started, so she examined the course she’d taken. “I was feeling angry at Geoff, and that felt better than guilt or shame, but then I judged myself for not thinking of his needs, and that felt worse. I was being critical of myself.”
“Exactly!” Rachael cheered. “And you can feel which way you’re moving on the emotional scale.”
“Okay.” Jenna was feeling her way, and she wanted to keep going. “What I’m doing here is important. I need to take this time for me, because I deserve to feel better. Geoff can be irresponsible, and sometimes he makes me mad, but it’s not my job to change him. I know he means well, even though he does things differently than I would.”
Rachael was smiling and had her hands pressed to her mouth. Jenna knew what she wanted to ask.
“That felt good,” Jenna nodded and then continued, feeling the power of the choices she was making. “Geoff is creating his own reality, just as I am. I don’t know how this is going to work out, but we’ll find a solution. Maybe he already has some ideas.” She was on a roll now, and it felt really, really good. “We’ve been in tight financial situations before, and it’s worked out. We’ll get through this one, also. It’s going to be fine.”