by Katee Robert
“I found you four weeks after I got back from basic.”
Her breath stalled in her throat.All this time, she’d thought herself invisible, but he’d known where she was. “I don’t understand. If you knew where I was…”
“You really want to know?” For all his quiet words, his intensity wasn’t dampened.“I never filed for divorce because I never stopped loving you.”
Chelsea froze. No, he couldn’t possibly be telling the truth.Yes, he’d said he wanted to make things right, but it made sense that it was guilt driving him. There was no way Nathan could still hold feelings for her, let alone feelings like that.
If he did, why hadn’t he chased her down the moment he got back from basic training? Why had he left in the first place?
When she didn’t respond, he laughed softly. “I’m sure you’re going to use this against me, but I haven’t been with anyone but you since we were married. I took my vows seriously. Still do.”
She pushed herself up on her elbow, only able to make out the shadow of his face in the darkness. Surely he wasn’t serious. “Nathan—”
“Now would not be a good time to call me a liar.” He smoothed back her hair. “I dated, yes. I thought I could purge you from my system if I found someone else…” He shook his head. “I didn’t. I couldn’t.”
She should just stay silent. To do anything else opened herself up and left her vulnerable to however he might react. Even knowing that, Chelsea couldn’t leave this confession one-sided. He deserved better than that.
“I…” It was so very difficult to say aloud. “There was one man, a few years after I moved to Seattle. We dated for a little while and eventually got to that point.”
She dropped her head back to his chest. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go there with anyone but you.”
He was so still, he might have been holding his breath. “If that’s the case, if trying with someone else felt as much a betrayal to you as it did to me, then why did you leave?”
Here was the thing she so desperately didn’t want to talk about. But if they were trampling over forbidden topics, they could hardly leave out the last remaining elephant standing between them. Chelsea took a deep breath. “You left me.”
“It was only a few weeks, baby. I know I couldn’t call you, but I was thinking of you every day. And then I got back and you were gone, and I didn’t know to where.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.” She closed her eyes, even the shadows around them too bright for this confession. “After your mother died, you disappeared on me, leaving little more than a ghost in your place. I thought when you wanted to get married right away, it meant you were finally going to let me in. Let me help.”
“Chelsea, my entire life had just fallen apart.”
“I know, and I understand as much as a person can who didn’t go through it herself, but…” She opened her eyes, a single tear slipping free. “You wouldn’t even talk about her. Even when you were beside me, it was like there was no one there. You meant everything to me, and you were just gone.”
“Baby—”
“I would’ve waited for you, but…” And this was the part she hated remembering, the feelings coursing over her nearly as bad as they’d been back then.
Nathan ran his hands through his hair and blew out a breath. “I was eighteen and out of my element. How the hell was I supposed to provide for a wife when I couldn’t get a damn job? The Army was the only option, between the pay and benefits.”
The realization made her sick to her stomach. She sat up, her breath coming too fast. “That’s why you rushed it, wasn’t it? So I could get your Army benefits? Is that why you married me? Oh my God, this is so much worse than I thought.”
He sat up, too. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. I married you because I love you and I couldn’t imagine living my life without you. Yeah, the Army played into the timing and the decision to elope, but it had nothing to do with wanting you as my wife.”
His intensity rocked her to her core. All her doubts wavered in the face of his words. How could she doubt that he loved her when he said things like that? She took a shuddering breath. “You made that decision without even talking to me. Why, Nathan? I was supposed to be the woman—the partner—you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Shouldn’t I have had a say?” She took a shuddering breath, determined to get this all out. “I was so terrified my parents were going to find out what we’d done and force me to come back home. It was just a matter of time with their connections. I needed you there, but you were so damn determined to leave Spokane and all its memories behind that you were willing to leave me.”
She risked a look at him, though the tormented expression on his face didn’t make her feel any better. Hurting him wasn’t the goal. She needed him to understand. “I pleaded with you not to go. I literally got down on my knees and begged you not to leave. But you didn’t take me into consideration then any more than you did when you made the decision to enlist. You just…left.”
Nathan reached for her. “Christ, baby.”
She held up a hand and kept talking. The worst of the story was over, after all. “My parents were relentless. I was afraid if they kept digging, they’d find out we were married and that would make everything so much worse, so I went home. I didn’t know what else to do. I was only there a week when Nana offered me the opportunity to pursue my art, and I jumped at a chance to get out of town—to get away from my parents. Away from…”
“Away from me.” His voice held none of the anger she expected, only a terrible sadness.“I knew you were upset about my leaving but… Fuck, Chelsea. I had no idea how bad it was.”
There wasn’t much to say in response. “Now you do.”
“I am so sorry. I had no idea what you were feeling back then. Hell, I didn’t know what I was feeling. All I knew was that with your family knocking down our door and my mother gone, I had to find a way to support us. A real man does that for his family, even though my father never did. And, yeah, I joined the Army because of the paycheck, but I won’t lie and say the deployment wasn’t part of the attraction. I had to get out of town. I needed the space to get past all my shit.”
“After you walked away—after the way you walked away—I didn’t know if you were coming back. I…I couldn’t deal with the fear that you were gone for good.”
Though Nana didn’t know they’d eloped, the older woman had said as much when Chelsea confessed how upset she was about his enlisting. Her grandmother had sat her down in their library and told her that she had to focus on herself and pursue her dream. If it was meant to be with Nathan, it would work out.
How many nights had she lain awake, wishing it had?
Chelsea let him wrap his arms around her and pressed her nose into his shirt, seeking his warmth. She’d felt as if she’d just watched her chance at happily-ever-after walk away without looking back again. Could she really afford to turn away a chance to take something from this life for herself? Now, in this moment, she could admit to herself that she’d always hoped Nana was right—that Nathan would come for her. Except he hadn’t.
Until now.
“I wish I could take back leaving you and do things differently. I know saying sorry doesn’t do a damn thing but—”
She lifted her head and kissed him, needing to distract them both from these deep waters they’d wandered into. She didn’t know how to deal with any of the things they’d talked about, so she took away the need to talk at all.
Nathan recognized her kiss for the ploy it was, but he let himself get caught up in the desire that seemed to be a constant companion when he was around Chelsea. He didn’t know what to think of the truths that had come out that night. All this time, he’d operated under the assumption that she’d been mad about him enlisting, or had given in to family pressure and left, or both. But neither was the truth.
The truth was he’d been the one to ruin things— possibly irreparably—between them.
He�
�d thought he was making the right choice back then, the choice a man would make. Looking back, he could admit that part of the attraction the armed forced offered was the chance to get the hell out of dodge. He loved Chelsea to distraction, but even that hadn’t been enough to battle against the overwhelming grief threatening to permanently pull him under when his mother died. The night he’d left was still imprinted in his mind, though for different reasons than Chelsea’s. She’d clung to him, sobbing, and demanded, begged, bargained with him not to go. And, God forgive him, but all he’d been able to think about was leaving town for long enough to draw a full breath.
He slipped his tongue along the seam of her mouth, coaxing her to open for him. She tried to take control, tilting her head to deepen the kiss, her tongue stroking along his, but he refused to let her change the pace.
He had a lot to make up for, and if this was the only place she’d let him start, he’d take it.
Nathan slid his hands under her dress and toyed with the edges of her panties. “Why don’t we get rid of these things?”
“Please.” She laughed and lifted her hips so he could get them off. “I thought you were going to drive me out of my mind during dinner with that slow, steady buzz. All it would have taken was a little more, and I would have come right there in front of your brother and friends.”
Nathan tossed her panties away and pushed her dress up, exposing her to the night air. He spread her thighs, his thumbs stroking along the dip at the top of them.“I had no intention of pushing you over the edge at dinner.”
“No?”
“No.” He settled down on the grass and kissed first one thigh and then the other. “Your orgasms are for me, and me alone.”
He dragged his mouth over her, threatening to lose himself in the first taste. He gave himself over to the feel of Chelsea, her soft cries blending in with the night sounds around them. Her hands dug into his hair, urging him on. “More. Please, more, Nathan.”
He sucked her clit, circling his tongue over the sensitive bud. Her back left the grass and she slapped her hand over her mouth to muffle her cry as she came. He didn’t give her time to recover, moving up her body to pull down the top of her dress so he could reach her nipples.
“Nathan, I need you.” She pulled him up and kissed him, her desperation seemingly a match for his. Chelsea undid his pants and shoved them down enough to free his cock. “I need you now.”
He reached into his pocket and withdrew a condom. As he rolled it on, he said, “Then take me, baby.”
He let her roll him, and he held her dress up so it didn’t get in the way as she plunged onto him. They both hissed out a breath and went perfectly still. This was it—the thing he’d been fighting for, fantasizing about, desperate to recreate.
It was so different than he’d expected. He hadn’t anticipated the way they’d gotten here, though. She’d fought for control every step of the way, then yielded unexpectedly every time, giving herself over to him as if she knew he’d cut off his own arm before he hurt her again. Maybe she did know, at least subconsciously.
Maybe it was the moment, or maybe it was the fact they couldn’t clearly see each other’s faces, but she whispered, “I missed this. I missed you.”
“I missed you, too, baby.” Nathan pulled her to his chest and kissed her gently, trying to keep in all the pent-up emotions he couldn’t risk saying again. He’d told her he loved her once already—he refused to chase her around saying it again and again.
She moved over him, slowly, as if savoring every touch. Her hands slid under his shirt, which put them together as closely as two people could possibly be. He responded in kind, keeping one hand on her neck and the other at the small of her back. All too soon, his control wavered. “Baby—”
“I know.” She peppered kisses over his face and neck. “I’m close, too.”
He gritted his teeth and held on until her strokes became as choppy as her breathing. He released her neck to grab her hips, urging her on when she couldn’t do it herself. The crescent moon gave him the barest glimpse of her body, her head thrown back, her spine arched, her hands gripping his arms as she came. Then and only then did he give in to the need to drive into her as deeply as he could, to lay his claim, even if no one else would ever know about it.
For tonight, in this moment, she was his.
He came in a rush, every muscle clenching as Chelsea collapsed on his chest. Gathering her against him, he stroked a hand down her back and let himself float in the sheer bliss of being able to touch her freely without a fight. Nathan wished he could be sure it wasn’t the last time he’d be able to hold her like this.
He needed to do whatever it took to make sure it wasn’t.
12
After rearranging their clothes, Chelsea followed Nathan back up to their room. The door had barely closed behind them when his face became an unreadable mask. “Strip.”
A tremor went through her at his tone. And then she saw how he was looking at her—as if he was a man who’d wandered for years, only to set eyes on home. And why wouldn’t he after what they’d just shared under the stars? She felt the same way. “Nathan—”
“Shh.” He pressed a finger to her lips. “We’ve talked about our quota of heavy things tonight. Let’s just enjoy each other.”
If only it were so easy. She felt like their earlier conversation had opened up a spot inside her she thought long dead and gone. It left her vulnerable in a way she’d never thought to be again. Especially not with half-signed divorce papers on the table.
But he was right. They could spend the rest of the night talking themselves in circles and end up fighting again, or they could take this fragile peace between them and enjoy relearning each other’s bodies. When she put it that way, there really was no choice at all. She nodded, accepting whatever terms Nathan set on the night.
“Why don’t you go shower off while I get a few things situated.”
Chelsea wasn’t sure how she felt about things, especially when she thought about what she’d teased him with earlier, but she wanted to get the itchy feeling of grass off her skin. She hurried into the bathroom and took what might have been the fastest shower of her life, not bothering to wash her hair, settling instead on scrubbing her skin and rinsing off.
He was waiting for her when she entered the room. She glanced around, trying to figure what he had planned, but nothing seemed to have been moved. With him looking at her like that—as if this was a life or death situation—she wasn’t sure what to do until he held out a hand.
It felt like she was agreeing to something when she crossed the room and took it. He stood there, just holding her hand and looking at her, his dark eyes full of the same emotions she had twisting inside her— lust, hurt, and…love? Before she could think too much about that, he nodded at the bed.“Bend over and place your forearms on the bed.”
The position would leave her ass in the air and completely vulnerable to whatever he had planned. There was a part of her—the part that had spent countless days being tutored on how a lady acted— that balked at doing something so wanton. The rest of her? The rest of her was so turned on she was having a hard time putting two thoughts together.
She obeyed, letting go of his hand and taking the exact position he’d demanded. She could hear him picking through the pile of things Danielle had packed, but there was no telling what he would choose. Dear God, was her earlier taunting going to come back to haunt her?
“Close your eyes.”
As soon as she did, he slipped something over her head. It was more a sleep mask than blindfold, but it cut out all ability to see, leaving her even more vulnerable than she’d been before. Chelsea shivered, straining her ears to try and figure out where he was leading with this.
He smoothed her hair down and then over her shoulder, leaving her back bare. “Is this okay?”
Okay? Nothing about this night had been just okay. It was amazing and terrifying and she felt as if she was about to leap headfirst off a clif
f. But that didn’t change the reality—she felt safe with him. “I trust you.”
He exhaled harshly and wrapped his arms around her body, holding her so close she felt a shudder go through him. “I’ll never break that trust again. I swear it on my life.”
While she was at a loss as to how to respond, his warmth disappeared and she felt metal close around her wrists, leaving her truly blind and helpless. Half a second later, his palm came down on her ass, hard enough to make her breath catch in her throat. Before she could flinch, he did it again, alternating from cheek to cheek until pain radiated through her, so dark and potent she sobbed. Right when it became too much, when she thought she would scream because she simply couldn’t take it anymore, Nathan stopped.
“That was because you seriously considered the other man.” He smoothed his hands over her smarting skin, the gentle touch so at odds with the spanking. “And this… This is because I love you.”
He used his mouth to soothe her, turning the hurtful burning into something else altogether. Spreading her legs a little farther, he kissed down until he reached the aching spot between her thighs. “You’re awfully wet for what was supposed to be a punishment.” He licked her, then groaned. “I think you like being spanked.”
She rolled her hips, trying to guide his mouth to where she needed him, but Nathan’s hands clamped down on her thighs, holding her in place. “Hold still or I’ll stop.”
Stop this excruciating assault on her body? Never.
She forced herself to stay still as he teased her, his tongue rolling over her clit as if he were savoring her taste. “Please.”
“Not yet.” He pushed two fingers into her, and then slid them out and over her clit before repeating the motion. It wasn’t enough, not nearly enough. Chelsea whimpered and dug her fingers into the sheets, but she didn’t move.