Suddenly I felt a burst of courage. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe it was made up of just having survived a plane crash or the fact that this dream of a boy was in my room, inches from me, in a situation that seemed unlikely to ever be repeated but whatever it was, it pumped the adrenaline through me needed to close the distance and press my lips against his. I felt him smile against my lips. He shifted forward, wrapped his arms around me and brought me closer. My arms came up, my hands linking behind his neck and curling in his hair. He opened his mouth and I opened mine. He kissed me deeper, his tongue probing, I felt his chest move against mine as he breathed, I rose up a little more and he grabbed onto my waist. Suddenly he was shifting us down the bed, pulling me down and nestling himself between my legs. Our kisses deepened, and I felt him hard against my hot core. I moaned. How is this happening? I didn’t have time to think about it. I put my hands to the bottom of his shirt and lifted.
“Talia?” I opened my eyes. No. No. No. No. It was a dream. My mom stood at my doorway. “Sorry, I didn’t realise you were sleeping.”
I groaned, I couldn’t form a sentence yet. She closed the door, leaving me to go back to sleep. I closed my eyes again and kept still. I tried to will myself back to sleep, it felt so close. I remembered all of it, what Laurie felt like, what he was making me feel, but it was starting to slip away. I thought I could go back into the dream, pick up where it left off if I tried hard enough, but the more seconds passed, the less and less likely it was. Damnit, I thought. It was all so obvious now how unreal it was. That would never happen. I hoped there would be more dreams like that one.
* * *
Mom and Dad went for appointment after appointment with law firms in the city. Each time they came home a little more defeated. The last appointment, with a law firm who specialised in pro-bono work, was on a Friday evening. My leg was almost entirely healed up so I cooked dinner for their arrival.
I was pulling garlic bread from the oven when they came in.
“Hi. Dinner is almost ready,” I announced.
Dad smiled and patted his stomach, “Is that lasagne I smell?”
Mom couldn’t hide the weight on her shoulders. “Can I do anything to help?” she asked.
I shook my head and pulled out a chair for her. Dad got himself a beer. “Wine, darling?”
“Please,” Mom responded. They set themselves up as I served our dinner.
I sat down and waited for them to talk. Dad dug in as Mom grabbed a piece of garlic bread and picked at it.
“Okay. What’s going on? They won’t take the case?”
Mom took a breath. “They will. We just…”
“It’s just very expensive, Talia.”
“Oh…” I said. Mom looked at me, embarrassed. “But, the pro-bono ones-”
Dad shook his head. “There’s no money to be won so no one will do it for free.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” Dad reached out and grabbed Mom’s hand. They had always been a little embarrassed when it came to money.
I shook my head. “Don’t apologise, Mom. It’s not your fault.”
“We should’ve checked the contract for something like this.”
“There’s no way we could’ve imagined…” Dad defended.
“Of course not,” I assured him. I steeled myself. There was no other option. Whether I liked it or not, I was going to LA to make an album for IMG. Without Kelly or Ashley. All the things I had imagined doing with them, arriving in Los Angeles, seeing the Hollywood Sign and listening to our record for the first time, I’d be doing all of that alone. I hurt for them. But a little part of me was excited. I pushed it down.
* * *
We called Manny who sombrely thanked us and said he would organise everything. He arrived the next day with Louis Vuitton luggage and First Class airplane tickets. My heart started beating like crazy. He handed over the tickets and I handed them right back. “I’m not flying.”
“Sorry?” he asked.
“I won’t fly,” I insisted.
“Um…” he let out a breath of air. “How are we going to get you to Los Angeles?”
“Boat?” my Dad piped up. My Mom was looking at the luggage. They weren’t roller bags but heavy box-like cases. They reminded me of Rose’s luggage in Titanic. Only gaudier.
“We might be able to do that,” Manny said, typing away on his phone. His assistant, a short and curvy mousy blonde girl with hair cropped short, delivered the last piece of luggage. It looked like a hat box.
“I don’t have any hats,” I said.
“You can put whatever you like in there,” Manny shrugged.
“I don’t need any of this. I have my own luggage.”
“It’s a gift. When you start to get papped, you’ll be happy you have it.”
Papped? As in photographed by paparazzi. Unlikely. But, it sounded like he wasn’t willing to take it back.
His phone pinged and he took a heavy breath. “We can get you on a cruise ship heading to Los Angeles at the end of next week.”
“Seriously?” Dad asked.
“It stops in New Zealand and some islands along the way so it’ll take a month for you to get there.”
“A month?” Mom asked.
“It’s that or the plane. The label won’t be happy to wait a month but if that is what you need…”
“It is,” I said, certain. “And, I want my Mom with me.”
“Then we’ll make it happen.” He shuffled his assistant out the door. “I’ll be back with new details.”
He waved and walked back toward his heavily tinted SUV. Mom looked at me. It was the same face she had when saying goodbye to me. “What?” I asked her. I was sure she would be all too happy to go with me.
“We can’t really afford that right now, sweetheart,” Dad offered for my mother.
“Really?” I asked. When we were first signed, Mom thought there would be a bunch of money coming my way. But there was going to be no cash until the album was finished and approved by the studio.
“All of those meetings with solicitors, they had an initial consultation fee. A bunch of them,” Mom explained.
“Oh.”
“And, I took a lot of time off while you were in hospital. I really need to be working,” she continued.
“Of course. That’s okay. I can go on my own.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, as if I had a choice.
“Of course. I’ll be fine.” I smiled reassuringly. Mom nodded.
* * *
Manny brought over the cruise tickets with some news. “The label agreed on one condition. We’re flying out a writer to travel with you on the expectation that you’ll write on-board in preparation to record.”
I couldn’t quite understand. “Write?”
“Yes. We figured you’d need to rewrite your songs or write new ones to suit you performing solo. Is that not correct?”
“No. I mean, yes. But I can write on my own,” I argued. I didn’t have time to be relieved that they weren’t forcing me to record Betty Coopers songs on my own.
“I am sure you can, but the label insists. And, I think you’ll be happy with who we’ve secured to write with you.”
“Who?” I asked.
“Ted Murray. He’s written for some incredible bands and artists.” I had no interest in writing with some stranger. “He’s a great guy,” Manny persisted. It seemed that I had no choice in the matter. He handed over the tickets.
“Can I give this one to someone else?” I asked, holding up my mother’s ticket.
“Heloise isn’t going with you?”
“She has to work.”
“Well, of course. If you can find someone else then we’ll change over the name on the ticket.”
I nodded.
“I assume Heloise will want to drive you to the terminal?” Manny asked. Mom nodded. “I’ll meet you there. Saturday 9am.” He pointed to the part of the ticket where it gave my boarding time as 9:30am.
“Thank you,�
�� I said. He smiled at me and nodded before heading back to his car. I closed the door and ran to my room to call Saffy.
* * *
“I can’t do it,” she said, sadly. She came over after work and I asked her to take Mom’s ticket.
“Why the hell not?” I asked.
She huffed, “because I have school. And, work.” And a little quieter, “And, it’s right over mine and Peter’s anniversary.”
“Of course it is.”
“Come on, babe,” Saffy spoke, becoming increasingly frustrated with my digs at her boyfriend. “You know I’d go if I could.”
“It’s fine. I was going on my own before, I can do it again.”
“But, you weren’t alone. You had Ash and Kelly.”
Saffy reached out and took my hand. It hurt us both to think of them. And, I had been avoiding it. I was leaving in two days and I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.
“Will you go with me to the cemetery?” I asked. Saffy furrowed her brows.
“You haven’t been?” she asked. I shook my head. I didn’t have an explanation. “I have some time before work. Do you want to go now?” she offered.
I hadn’t prepared myself to go that moment.
“It’ll be okay,” Saffy said. Of course it would. I met Saffy Tavares on the first day of high school. Her parents were Senegalese, but she had been born here. She had wild curls like mine, but black and long. We were assigned seats together in physical education. We bonded over a sincere inability to do sporting activities with any kind of success. In year 10, Saffy was asked to the dance by one of the best looking guys in our year, a tall Tongan football player with perfect skin. They slept with each other that night and not even 48 hours later, he dumped her. She went home from school, sick, and I went with her. I held her and we both cried. From that moment, anything that life threw us, anything that we were scared of, we leaned on each other to get through it.
* * *
Saffy and I drove to the cemetery in her mother’s beat up Cabriolet. We followed a map of the grounds because Saffy couldn’t remember the way. I imagined it was because at that moment, she was burying two of her best friends while the third was in a coma. I would’ve fallen apart.
The last time I had been there was for the funeral of my uncle’s wife. They hadn’t been married for long and though she seemed like a lovely woman, I admittedly didn’t care an awful lot.
We turned into a street and drove to where it ended in a roundabout. There was no mound of dirt. There were no remaining flowers. It was too long ago.
“This is Kelly,” Saffy said, unsteadily.
We got out and walked to the plot. The headstone was a light marble. ‘Kelly Mendel. Daughter, Sister, Friend.’ It was so plain. So unlike the wild energetic girl that she was. It bothered me. I heard Saffy sniffle beside me.
“What was the ceremony like?” I asked.
“It was nice,” she answered through her tears. “Simple.”
I shook my head, automatically. Saffy looked questioningly at me. “Do you think that’s what she would’ve wanted?” I asked.
“Does it matter?” she answered. I supposed it didn’t.
We went to Ashley’s grave next; it was at the top of a hill. The view was beautiful. She would’ve liked that. As I looked at her grave, I imagined myself as a much older woman. We used to joke, as young girls do, that we’d all live next door to each other and our children would play together when we had them. And, then when we were little old ladies, we’d drink cider on one of our porches and reminisce about the good old days. None of that was ever likely to happen but the thought of it had always made me happy. And, now it was an impossibility. They’d be forever eighteen. They’d never go any of the places they wanted to go or do any of the things they wanted to do. They’d never become rock stars or mothers. I had a million possibilities in my future and they had none. I felt the injustice of it all acutely.
Saffy and I said our silent goodbyes to the girls as we drove out of the cemetery. I added apologies and a small promise: that I would try to make them proud. I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant but I planned to figure it out.
Saffy dropped me home and told me she couldn’t see me off on Saturday. She had a shift she couldn’t get out of at work. So I had to say goodbye to her, too. We hugged tightly. It reminded me of Ashley’s bear hugs and I didn’t let go for an awfully long time. When we finally broke apart, Saffy was smiling brightly.
“I am happy for you. I know you’re not sure about this. But, I think it could be really good for you. And, I do think this is what they would’ve wanted.” Her voice was so reassuring. I was almost convinced.
“Thank you.”
“Call me when you get there? We can Skype or Facetime?”
“Of course,” I assured her.
“Enjoy the cruise.”
“I’ll try.”
We hugged again, as if we’d forgotten we’d already done it. She moved towards the driver’s side door.
“Love you,” I said.
“Love you, too.”
I waved. She waved back and got in. I stood there watching as she pulled away and drove out of sight. It struck me that I wouldn’t see her for a long time. At least six months. Was there anything I hadn’t said that I should’ve? I remembered Peter and was grateful, for the first time, that she had him. He’ll be there for her when I can’t be, I thought.
* * *
Mom moved the clothes and shoes from my old luggage into the new cases Manny had given me. It was crazy to think that those things had survived the accident. The clothes and the shoes, things that didn’t matter at all. She packed a bikini, too, considering my method of transportation, sunscreen and a big ugly yellow floppy hat for the hat box. I brought a guitar though I dreaded the thought of trying to write.
Dad surprised me by coming to the terminal with us. He hugged me tightly as we said goodbye. “I love you,” he said and not in response to me saying it.
“I love you too, Dad.”
Mom was hugging me tightly as the big black SUV pulled up with a honk. We broke apart, but Mom kept her arm over my shoulder. Manny’s assistant got out of the driver’s side and went to the boot. Manny got out of the back and held the door open. A messy mob of dark red hair followed him. It hung over the forehead and ears of a very pale, long faced, blue eyed Englishman. I thought he must have been in his mid-twenties.
“Let me help you with that.” He rushed back to help the assistant with a great black luggage bag and his own guitar case.
Manny grabbed the suitcase from him. “Talia Shaw, let me introduce you to Ted Murray.”
“Hi,” he said as he held out his hand. I took it. “I’ve heard your stuff, it’s brilliant,” he offered.
“Ted is the writer I told you about. He’ll be helping you write and produce the new album.”
Ted shrugged. “We’ll see how we go, yeah? I’ve never been on a cruise before.”
He was very light and friendly but having him forced upon me left me with a bad taste in my mouth. He could see it on my face. Dad and Mom shook his hand and introduced themselves.
“Well, we better get you two on board,” Manny said as he helped his assistant with my luggage. I hugged Mom and Dad again quickly and grabbed my guitar. Manny led us toward the entry. I turned to wave before we entered. Mom mouthed ‘I love you’ one more time and I mouthed it back. She smiled. And then, again, they were gone. And my heart started to beat like crazy.
It didn’t stop as we were ushered through security and onto the boat. Teddy was saying something to me, but I could barely hear him over the beating. I just nodded along. At the door, Manny had to leave us. He handed me a phone. He mentioned something about his and Ted’s phone numbers being programmed in. He waved and gave a thumbs up. One usher took Ted to his room and another showed me to my room. I sat down on the bed. The usher moved around the room, pointing out the facilities. He turned the TV on and flipped channels until it landed on a music video
channel. He put the remote beside me on the bed and moved toward the door.
“Is there anything I can get you?” the usher asked. I could barely breathe. I just shook my head. He nodded and left, closing the door behind him. The room was large and luxurious with one wall made up entirely of windows. But it felt so small and getting smaller. And hot. I started taking off layers. My jacket, my shoes, my pants. I lay down and tried to calm myself.
The music video changed over and a new song started to play. It was slow and soothing. I tried to match my breathing to the slow rhythm of the song. It helped. The voice was familiar, but the song was not. It was a beautiful song. I sat up and looked at the screen.
Laurie Siler lay floating in dark water, seemingly in the middle of the ocean. A silver chain hung from his neck, floating in the shallow water above his chest. The medallion was round but the camera was too far away for me to make it out. It started pulling in, closer to him, and then I could see it. That was my wheel. My necklace. He was wearing it. I didn’t know how to react. Should I be mad? I wondered. He just commandeered it. But I wanted to laugh. I felt a little… giddy. Did it have anything to do with me? I told myself I was an idiot. Maybe he just liked the necklace.
Three
The ship had been at sea for two days and I had easily avoided Ted. He had knocked on my door that first evening to suggest we eat dinner together. I told him I was feeling sea sick and was going to eat in my room. I hadn’t seen him since. But, I was getting cabin fever. And, it was a massive boat. I was sure I could go out and keep avoiding him.
Bright Lights: Book One of the Talia Shaw Series Page 3