I padded up the stairs to my bathroom and showered the makeup from my face and the hairspray from my hair. I watched the ink from my mascara run down my body, across the pale tile and swirl down the drain.
I agreed with him. I agreed that she deserved it. Every song on Phera’s latest album was a hundred times better than anything I’d ever written. Easton didn’t even say anything that bad about me. Only that Phera deserved it most. In that moment I couldn’t think evenly. I could only think that a person whose music I loved and whose creativity and talent was undeniable and inspiring to me, had insulted me, publicly. I kept thinking it over and over. It’s what made me cry. And, it was worse to know I’d cried. And, that I’d run.
I turned the shower off and could hear my mobile vibrating on my bedside table. I wanted to find a place where I could be completely alone and forget about it. It felt like such a place didn’t exist. I couldn’t find it in Los Angeles or New York or even my home back in Australia. There were no hiding places anymore. There was no solitude.
I didn’t look at the screen but switched the phone off and put it in my bedside drawer. I got into the bed, beneath the soft white covers and closed my eyes.
That morning I woke up to screaming. Paparazzi had camped out overnight. Their cars lined my street. They screamed through my gate and had their cameras at the ready for when I showed my face. They were kidding themselves. I kept my curtains closed. I stayed in my room, in my bed.
Leif arrived soon after, as he usually did on a Sunday, and let himself in. I heard him moving around in the house. Cooking, I guessed. He often cooked breakfast for us both, if I hadn’t already. I heard him moving up the stairs and toward my bedroom door. I hadn’t closed it. He peeked in. I looked at him from beneath the covers.
“Hi,” he said with a smile. His smile was not affected, not pitying. It was the one I knew, gentle and kind like him. I smiled back. He carried a breakfast tray and gestured for me to sit up. I did. He set the tray in front of me.
“You didn’t have to do this,” I said, looking at the bacon, eggs, toast, coffee and orange juice.
“It’s not just for you,” Leif said with a smile as he jumped into the bed beside me and grabbed the orange juice and the 2nd fork. I hadn’t noticed it. He got back up and grabbed the remote on top of the TV across from us and sat beside me again.
He switched it on, immediately to the cartoon channels. He knew I liked them. Or maybe he figured they’d be unlikely to show clips of what had to be the biggest controversy at the Grammys. Unless something else had happened after I’d left. Maybe a Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake moment. Or a Marlon Brando moment. I imagined Leif would’ve said something if that were the case. It would’ve been some relief. But alas, Leif was quiet as he ate more than his half of the bacon and eggs while I crunched on toast.
Half an hour later, someone opened the front door.
“Talia!” That was Teddy’s voice. He had a key. I got up and went to my door. He was rushing up the stairs. “You don’t answer your phone anymore?”
He wrapped me in a hug. I melted into him. I thought I hadn’t wanted to see anyone. But I didn’t mind Leif when he brought my breakfast. And, I didn’t mind hugging Teddy. Turns out I was glad to have people forced on me. Especially if they didn’t expect me to talk.
He got into bed on the other side of me and took a slice of toast. We spent the day that way. Sometimes Leif would go for a walk. Check out the gate. Teddy tried to convince me that I needed to buy a PlayStation. I had a nap after Leif made us toasted cheese sandwiches for lunch. They knew I just wanted to sit. A banging sounded on the door a little after three. Leif went to get it. I stood and followed to the balcony looking over the doorway. Leif looked through the peephole.
“It’s Manny,” he said.
I nodded. He opened the door. The screaming and the snapping of pictures was loud for a moment then quiet again as the door closed behind Manny.
Manny looked at me with ferocity. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I said.
“It was a horrible thing that happened and the press is entirely on your side,” he explained.
I scoffed, like I cared what the press had to say. But then I thought about the idea of sides. Was this a fight? That made me feel worse. I didn’t want to be in some kind of war with Easton. Though that was certainly how it would be from then on, in the press, on social media. Team Talia and Team Easton. I was sure that was how it would be. I started back upstairs. Manny started to follow. I turned around to stop him.
“Do you want something?” I asked. Teddy appeared at my door.
“We have to talk about how we’re going to deal with this.”
“I don’t want to do anything,” I said, immediately.
He took a breath. “You can’t do nothing.”
“Why not?” I asked. It had been working so far.
“If you don’t give them anything then they’ll turn against you,” he explained.
I started walking again. “Let them. I don’t give a shit. Leif, can you walk him out?”
Leif opened the door and Manny went with him without argument. I got back to the room and news was playing on the channel. There I was, looking up at the stage like I was watching a sad movie. My eyes were misty, my lips were almost shaking. I looked pathetic. I turned it off.
“Do you know what happened after?” Teddy asked.
“Do I want to know?” I asked.
“I think so. Phera won Best Pop Album. She said some stuff about you. Good stuff,” he assured me.
“That’s nice,” I said. I couldn’t imagine her talking about me. But I was sure anything said was said out of pity. That was my lot in life. At least for the foreseeable future. Everyone would pity me and more than anything I’d pity myself. It had already begun. I’d spent the night and nearly the whole day that way. It seemed like enough.
I turned on my phone. There was a mountain of messages. From friends and family. From Teddy. And Adelaide, too. And Laurie, a dozen from him. I didn’t read them. Except Saffy’s, the last to arrive.
She said she was sorry that it happened, and I could call her whenever. She included a YouTube clip. It was Phera winning best pop album. I started the clip and Teddy sat beside me. She looked so regal, so elegant.
“Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate this so much. I just want to say that at my first Grammies, I was eighteen years old, and that moment meant everything to me. To be able to stand up here and have that moment and give thanks to the people who got me there. It meant so much. I’m sorry Talia had that moment taken away from her. Her album is incredible. That song was incredible. She deserved that Grammy. And, all the others she has won tonight. All my love.”
“Wow,” I said, as the clip finished. I looked at Teddy. “What others?”
“You won best music video and song of the year.”
“Oh my god.”
“Congratulations,” Teddy said, putting a hand on my knee.
I put my head on his shoulder and started to cry again. I couldn’t explain these tears. Teddy kissed my hair and sat with me for as long as it took for me to remember I wasn’t living in self-pity anymore. Not about the plane crash and not about this. I stood up. “Enough of that.”
Teddy nodded. He had a question but was weary of asking it.
“What?” I prompted.
“Where’s Laurie?” he asked.
I laughed a little. “Beats me.”
“Has something…”
“I don’t know what’s going on,” I answered, because I didn’t. Teddy nodded.
“You got any junk food?” he asked.
Teddy slept over. He forced me to watch horror movies and eat candy. The next day he forced Leif to bring his PlayStation. And forced me to let everyone know I was okay. I didn’t want to call anyone. I sent texts to my family and friends to let them know I was okay. I was going to send the same thing to Laurie but it had started to gnaw at me that he had stopped calling and stopped tex
ting. He hadn’t felt the need to come see me, and make sure I was okay, like Teddy. Why not?
Since TV wasn’t safe, they played their games and tried to teach me how. I couldn’t wrap my head around the buttons. “Isn’t there a gun game or something where I can just point and shoot?”
“There is but I don’t have that controller,” Leif explained.
Lucy called in the afternoon to check up on me. I asked if she wanted to come over and she said she’d be over in twenty minutes. She arrived to find the boys screaming at the screen. “You wanna go chat?” she asked. We hadn’t had too many heart to hearts but I guessed she thought I needed it. Maybe I did need it, but I didn’t want to have it yet. I shook my head. She nodded, content to give me my time. “But, I didn’t come over to watch this shit.”
She forced me into my swimsuit, she was already wearing hers, and we jumped into the pool. The boys followed soon after, with beer, and we found ourselves day drinking by the pool.
The doorbell rang again, the same time as the day before.
“I’ll get it,” Teddy said.
“Nother round?” Lucy asked, standing and collecting the empty bottles. “Or how about Tequila?” she suggested.
“God no,” I responded.
She looked to Leif who shook his head.
“Weak,” she complained and moved into the kitchen.
Teddy delivered Manny and lay back down on the deck chair. Manny looked over us with a look of disapproval. It deepened as Lucy returned with the beers.
“I’ve got some figures to discuss with you. And Clara and Ray want a meeting.”
“Who are Clara and Ray?” Lucy asked.
“They’re from the label,” I answered.
“Can we go inside?” Manny asked.
“You can tell me here,” I said, too lazy to get up.
He huffed. “You’ve got to get out of this house.”
“I am out,” I argued.
“It’s not healthy.”
“I’m exercising. I’m getting sun. What’s not healthy?”
“Burberry wants you at their show.”
“Ooh really,” Lucy sat up.
A fashion show I guessed. Cameras everywhere. “No.”
“They’ve been good to you,” Manny argued.
“I don’t care,” I said, hating the words as they flew from my mouth. “I’m not dealing with those assholes,” I continued, referring to the paparazzi.
“What about going home for a bit? Seeing your family?” he suggested.
“They’ve been hassling my Mom there, too.” I drank my beer, seething. I’d seen the pictures. She had been grocery shopping. They had no reason to follow her.
“Are they really? That’s so messed up,” Lucy reflected.
“I’ll leave this inside. Look over it. Let me know if you have any questions. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Manny left. I looked over at Teddy, Lucy and Leif. “Do you think he’s right?”
Leif shrugged. Teddy looked more certain. “It probably wouldn’t hurt. Hiding from them is only going to make them want you more. The sooner you show them you’re fine, the sooner things settle down.”
“What do you suggest?” I asked.
Lucy spoke up, “I could really go for a pizza.”
“Pizza?” I asked.
“I could eat,” Teddy answered.
I thought about it for a bit and then decided to try it. Maybe he was right. They’d get their pictures and see that I’m fine and back off.
I showered and blow dried my curls. I couldn’t decide what to wear. They’d say I was a mess if I dressed casually. But then they’d criticise me for dressing up to go to a pizza place. I hated myself for caring. I went for jeans, a sweater and thigh high boots that I had told Ari not to leave in my wardrobe because I’d never wear them. Let them call me a mess in those, I thought.
I walked down the stairs where Leif, Lucy and Teddy waited. Leif was looking out the window at the crowd by the fence. “Woah,” Teddy said, looking at the boots. Leif turned too and took them in.
“Nice boots,” he said.
“Killer,” Lucy praised them too. “I’m so borrowing those.”
“Thank you. Shall we?”
Teddy offered an arm. Leif opened the doors and we walked to the car waiting on the driveway. The cameras flashed. The photographers screamed. It felt like they were rattling the gate like a cage.
Leif drove us to the end of the driveway and opened the gate. The photographers pressed themselves to the windows, their lenses against the glass. I tried to breathe normally, keep looking straight ahead. Teddy did the same. Don’t engage, Katie always said.
They stood in front of the car as we waited for the gate to close behind us. Leif watched that no one went in. “Move,” Leif yelled, gesturing with his hands through the front window, as we were ready to go. It was the only window not tinted. Leif revved the engine. The men barely shifted. He did it again and rolled forward an inch then another, they finally moved aside. Leif hit the gas and we sped forward and away.
A few cars followed us, but Leif seemed to lose them on the journey.
“Shit,” Lucy said, laughing. “Do you moonlight as a getaway driver?”
Leif took us to one of his favourite pizza places in Playa del Rey. “I’ll wait out here,” Leif said as he parked.
“Don’t be silly,” I said.
We walked in and the hostess looked Leif up and down. His height and his all black outfit gave the game away that he was a security guard. She looked at Teddy and Lucy then and was certain they weren’t famous and then she looked at me. I saw it click. She took us to a table by a window. “Can I get you some beverages?”
We ordered.
“Your waitress will be right with you,” she said before rushing off to the backroom.
Moments later, three girls came out and looked directly at our table. “Ignore ‘em,” Teddy said. He pushed the menu closer to me. “What do you feel like?”
An older woman in the table beside us took a photo. There was no subtlety involved. Then another camera went off from the other side of the room. Lucy shot them angry looks. “They’ll stop in a second,” Teddy said. But then I saw another camera. A woman held it in front of her, like she was texting, but the light was on as if she was recording. I wanted to cry again. I thought I had gotten used to it. But, I hadn’t. If they were fans, if they had come up to me and asked for a photo, I would’ve done it in a second. These people didn’t feel like fans, they felt like witnesses of a car crash. Just wanting to get evidence on their cameras to show their friends.
“Are they kidding?” Lucy asked.
“Let’s just go,” I said.
“We’re already here,” Teddy said. “We ordered drinks.”
“We can get food to takeaway,” Leif suggested. I nodded. A waitress arrived with our tray of drinks. Her hands shook, the ice clinking, as she set them down in front of us.
“Are you ready to order?” she asked, looking directly at me.
“Can we please get takeaway?” I asked.
Her mouth opened in an o. “You don’t want to eat here?” she asked.
“We just changed our minds,” Leif explained.
“We can put you at a more private table,” she said, almost pleading. Leif looked to me.
“No. Thank you,” Teddy said. “I’ll get a pepperoni. To go.”
“Penne Arrabiata, please,” Leif added.
“Hawaiian. Thanks,” Lucy ordered.
She looked to me, disappointed. “Same for me, please.”
She nodded and walked away. “It shouldn’t be long,” Leif said. “They’re usually pretty quick. I drank my coke.
In less than five minutes from us sitting down, three cameramen appeared at the window and more cars were pulling into the carpark. They trained their cameras on me. And, more camera phones came out in the restaurant. “Where is that pizza?” Lucy eyed the kitchen.
“Let’s forget about it,” I said. I took
my wallet out, took out a hundred and left it on the table. I got up and started walking to the door. The rest of the table followed.
“Wait,” the waitress called, carrying our takeaway. She rushed over and handed it to Teddy.
“We’ve left the money on the table,” he replied as he took the takeaway.
“Thank you,” I said.
She took her phone out of her pocket, “Can I--”
Leif was already guiding me out the door and into the growing crowd of photographers.
“Talia, are you mad at Easton?”
“Are you embarrassed about what happened?”
“Talia, did you talk to Phera?”
“Are you still upset about the Grammies?”
“Did Easton apologise to you?”
One of the paparazzi tripped on the gravel stones and his camera came crashing into my face. “Fuck!” I yelled. I couldn’t help it. It hurt.
“Get away from her!” Lucy shouted.
Teddy pushed the guy back, the food falling to the ground. One of his buddies got in front of him, putting the camera in Teddy’s face. “Is this your boyfriend?”
“Did you dump Laurie?”
Leif opened the car door and gave me a push to get in. I was worried about Teddy. “Get in,” Leif said. I did.
Leif ordered Lucy into the car and she got into the front seat. “They’re crazy.”
I watched through the window as Leif pulled Teddy away and brought him around to the other door. The cameramen came up against the window again. “Are you okay?” I asked Teddy.
He nodded but he was fuming. The food was gone. Leif sped off, nearly running down one of the larger men with a cocky look on his face.
We rode home in silence. The outing was a failure. Teddy’s anger faded and I could tell he just felt badly.
My mobile was ringing as we walked through the door. I was sure it would be Manny or Katie. But it was Mom. I thought I pressed the button to ignore it, but I accidentally answered.
“Talia!”
“Mom?”
“Why haven’t you been answering any of my calls? I’ve been worried sick. I took a breath. “I’m sorry,” I answered. I walked up the stairs to my bedroom. Teddy and Leif settled in front of the PlayStation. Lucy looked through my fridge, determined to make something to eat.
Bright Lights: Book One of the Talia Shaw Series Page 18