by Jason Luke
“She saw me standing, watching her. I told her to turn off the shower. I told her I wanted her right then. I told her I couldn’t wait even another minute.
“She came from the shower all glossy and wet, her hair hanging down her back, her body scrubbed and glowing.
“I reached for her. There was a possessive, primal growl in my throat. Caroline’s eyes grew wide. For an instant alarm registered in her expression – but not with concern for her safety. It was a raw, instinctive look. A hunted look.
“I seized her arm and held it behind her back. Caroline gasped. I pulled her body back against mine so she could feel the hardness of my cock through my pants. I wrapped my other hand firmly around her throat and I hissed in her ear.”
“What did you say?” Leticia asked with sudden interest.
“I told her I wanted her pussy. I told her that the sight of her, and the thought of her tight body bent before me, had sparked my need. I told her that the way she walked was pure sex in motion, and that I had to have her. I couldn’t wait.”
“But you could have, right?”
“Of course!” I said.
“It made no difference to me whether I took Caroline in the bathroom, in the play room, or the bedroom. But it mattered to her. Not only that, the manner I took her mattered. I wanted her to feel like she was incredible – that she turned me on so much I couldn’t deny my instincts. I wanted her to feel ravaged and desired and lusted after. That’s how I kept everything under control, Leticia. That’s how my submissives were always safe and cared for – because even the most spontaneous moments were planned – even if the women never realized it.”
Leticia was smiling secretly to herself as she made notes. She looked up at me again and tossed her head to flick hair from her eyes. “You’re very clever, Jonah,” she said simply. “You’ve thought this all out, haven’t you?”
I dismissed her praise with a shrug of my shoulders. “I hate surprises,” I said. “And I like to be in control.”
“Do you feel the sex in the bathroom that day was different because of the way it occurred?”
“Absolutely,” I said. “It didn’t alter the intensity of my orgasm, or change the experience for me, but it tilted Caroline’s world a little off its axis. I hoisted her onto the marble vanity, and dragged her forward until she was perched on the edge. She leaned back against the cold glass of the big bathroom mirror and I scooped her legs up and held them wide open with my hands beneath her knees. I told her to unzip my pants. She unfastened my belt and pulled my cock out through the opening in my clothes. She made a tremulous sound in the back of her throat and then groaned softly. My cock was hard and hot, too thick for her fingers to encompass entirely. She stroked me and I clenched my muscles, feeling my length leap and swell in her hand. Caroline guided me into her – she was wet and wanton with her own arousal, and I came up onto my toes and slid all the way inside her in a single powerful thrust. Caroline thrashed her head from side to side and I bucked my hips hard against her body. She threw her arms around my neck and clung to me like we were riding a wild storm. She cried out, and her body lunged forward against me. I felt the hard rub of her nipples against my chest and I bit at her neck and snarled.
“The sound of our bodies crashing together was loud above the noise of our ragged gasps. It was intense and explosive: a raw, lust-filled moment that was more than merely sex.
“We came together. I felt myself release deep within her and an instant later, Caroline’s body seemed to heave and undulate. She groaned, and all the air seemed to be sucked from her lungs. Her mouth fell open in a breathless ‘O’ as a crashing orgasm rocked her.”
I rubbed my eyes, and yawned. I was suddenly very tired.
“Every man should make the effort occasionally to throw the rule book out,” I said. “It doesn’t matter if the relationship is BDSM or vanilla – every man should go out of his way to make the woman in his world feel desired and wanted. It’s worth the effort and planning to occasionally appear spontaneous.”
I played those contradicting words back in my head to make sure the sentence made sense. Leticia did the same. I saw her silently reading the passage back to herself and then nod.
“Is that little gem of relationship wisdom in the Jonah Noble big book of rules?” she asked playfully.
I nodded. “Page sixteen.”
For a long while I prowled restlessly in the shadows, hunting through my memories and discarding each one until I realized I had said enough. There was nothing more to say.
My story had been told.
I closed my eyes and sighed, not with any great relief, but with a sense of finality. And then Leticia asked the one question I had avoided for so long…
“What happened with Caroline six months ago, Jonah?” Leticia asked. “Why did your relationship end?”
I froze.
The smile slid from my face, and I felt ice spread slowly through my veins. “I decided to end Caroline’s training,” I said hoarsely. “It was for the best.”
“Can you tell me why?”
“No.” I said.
Leticia saw the look in my eyes, and sensed there was darkness and despair below the surface. “You don’t want to talk about it?”
“I will not talk about it,” I said bleakly. “It’s the one question I will not answer.”
The atmosphere in the room turned brittle and cold – the air between us seemed suddenly to crackle. I paced in the shadows beyond the reach of the lamplight for long minutes until I felt the tension seep from my shoulders and my dark mood slowly drifting away. “Any other questions?”
Leticia cleared her throat, perhaps startled and made wary by my abrupt reaction. Her uncertain hesitation dragged on for long moments.
“Ask,” I demanded. I saw her flinch, and then nod her head.
“Do you have any photos of the women we have talked about?” The words came out in a breathless rush.
I had to think. “Not Claire,” I said emphatically. I knew that for a fact. “Maybe Sherry… and I definitely have some of Caroline. Why?”
Leticia shrugged. “I’d like to see them. I’d like to put faces to the names of these women that had such an affect on your life.”
I felt myself stiffen. “Leticia, the privacy of these ladies will be protected at all cost,” the hard edge returned to my voice. “No images of them will be used in your article.”
She shook her head. “Oh, I understand that, Jonah. I don’t want them for publication. I would never do that. I just wanted to see the people I was writing about.”
I relaxed a little, nodded slowly. “I think I can find some for you.”
“And your father?”
I frowned. “Leticia, you must have a million photos of my father in your newspaper files.”
She nodded. “Yes, but I was hoping you might have one of you and him together – a private family photo that you would release for publication. One way or another, Jonah, he had an influence on the man you are today.”
I hesitated, and then sighed. “When do you want them?”
“As soon as possible. Could I come by and pick them up in the morning?”
“Sure – but only the photo of my father and I will be used in conjunction with the article. Agreed?”
She held out her hand and we shook. She was smiling. “Agreed,” she said.
I walked out into the warm night, and stood on the sidewalk for long seconds, feeling suddenly lost. It was over. The interview was finished, and with it went my reason for sharing time with Leticia.
I wondered if I would ever see her again after she came to the house tomorrow.
* * *
I came down the stairs in a somber, empty mood. My footsteps sounded hollow, and there was a dull ache of remorse behind my eyes – a sense of loss that seemed to haunt me like a shadow. The morning was bright and sunny. I could hear Mrs. Hortez in the kitchen finishing up with the breakfast dishes. I ambled idly through the house as though I was a strange
r – as though all the purpose and energy had been drained from me. Bright shafts of sunlight lanced through the windows, painting patches on the floor. I wandered down the hall towards the back of the house and pushed open the door.
She was waiting for me. She turned with an expectant smile on her face.
Morning sunlight streamed in through the big windows, but despite that, Trigg’s room seemed somehow colder than the rest of the house.
I said nothing. I stood in the doorway for long seconds and then lay down and stretched out on her big bed. I stared up at the ceiling, aware that she was drifting around the room on the edge of my vision. She was humming softly to herself.
“What time is it?” I asked quietly.
“Just after ten,” Trigg answered in a whisper.
“Leticia will be here soon,” I said. “We need to be quick. I don’t want her to see us together. What did you want me for?”
She came to the side of the bed and stooped over me. She was smiling. She brushed hair away from her face. Her eyes were big and bright.
“There’s plenty of time, Jonah,” she said softly. “I just want you to relax. Don’t think about Leticia. Try to clear your mind. There are some things I need you to see. It will only take a minute.”
I heard Trigg walk slowly away towards the door and close it. When she came back to the side of the bed, she was holding an envelope out towards me, clutched in her long delicate fingers. She placed it on my chest and stood waiting.
“It’s just some standard reports,” she said.
“Good news or bad?” I asked impatiently. I was keen to be away from her room.
“Good. Nothing has changed…”
I reached for the envelope and as I did, I turned my head a little and caught a glimpse of Trigg’s wristwatch. For an instant nothing made sense and then I frowned suddenly and sat up in alarm. An ice-cold dagger of dread stabbed at my heart. I felt the blood drain away from my face.
“Jesus!”
It was ten thirty five.
I threw the envelope down unopened and swung my feet off the bed. I shot Trigg a venomous glare. She recoiled away from me. I reached for the door as the enormity of her sabotage and betrayal finally began to overwhelm me. I threw the door wide open, and came from the room with a rising sense of outrage.
There was noise.
The front door slammed.
I spun round towards the sound.
Leticia was standing in the foyer. She was smiling brightly.
She saw me. She frowned. She shook her head slowly, like nothing made sense.
Then she saw Trigg in the doorway of her bedroom. Leticia’s eyes flew wide and her mouth fell open as if she were in some terrible agony.
I glanced back over my shoulder. Trigg was looking past me towards Leticia. Trigg had a possessive complacent smile on her face. I locked my eyes with hers and her expression changed, burning with vindictive malevolence. It lasted for only a second – so fleeting that perhaps it might never have even been – if I hadn’t seen it for myself.
“I had to,” Trigg said. “I couldn’t let this go on, Jonah.”
Fury blinded me. I could hear the thump of my blood pounding at my temples.
By the time I turned back, Leticia’s expression seemed to have crumbled.
“You’re sleeping with Trigg?”
I went to her urgently. “Leticia! God, let me explain.” I reached out for her. She stared as though she didn’t recognize me. I took her arm, and suddenly she flew at me, wailing in despair, her arms flailing so that her nails raked bloody lines down my cheek and across my nose.
“I hate you!” she shrieked. “You lied to me. It’s all been a lie!” She clawed for my eyes, vicious and wounded. I swung my head aside and then trapped her wrists.
“You told me there could be no future for us, Jonah. You told me that. And now I find it’s because you’re with Trigg. Why couldn’t you tell me?” she moaned. There was heart-broken pain on her face. “Why couldn’t you just tell me you were in love with her?”
She struggled and lashed out at me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pinned her against me. I could feel the rigid unyielding tension in her body, and see her face slickened with tears.
I looked over her head and shot a withering glare at Trigg.
“You call this ethical?”
“No. I call it moral,” Trigg’s voice was imploring. “I had to do it, Jonah. This has gone on for too long. Can’t you see that?”
I snarled at her, blazing with rage. “Get out!” I shouted. “Get the fuck out of this house, Trigg, and never come back!”
Trigg stood, rooted to the spot. She wrung her hands and then slowly began to shake. Tears welled in her eyes, and then her whole body began to shudder.
I grabbed at Leticia’s arms, bracing them to her side and held her away from me.
“It’s not how it seems, Leticia,” I said, shaking her urgently. She wouldn’t look at me. She was crying as though her broken heart would never mend. Tears streamed down her cheeks and dripped from her chin. I shook her again and shouted. “It’s not how it looks! Trigg isn’t my lover. She’s my doctor.”
The word echoed in the silence, seeming to hang in the air for long dreadful seconds.
“Trigg is my doctor,” I said again, this time more gently, this time with my voice made husky by emotion. “She has been living here for the past six months – because I’m dying.”
Leticia froze, and then faltered. She went suddenly soft within my arms. Her outrage turned slowly to confusion, to shock and then finally her face was a dreadful mask of tragedy. She shook her head slowly in disbelief. I nodded sadly.
“No…” Leticia moaned. She turned to Trigg.
“He has a year, maybe two,” Trigg said softly.
“Are you sure?”
Trigg blinked. “Nothing can be certain…”
I let go of Leticia’s arms. She swayed on her feet, reeling. I touched lightly at the side of my head. “I have a tumor,” I said. “It’s inoperable,” and my voice became choked. I opened my arms and she came into them, and I held her tight against my chest. We clung to each other like two drowning people in a storm. “It’s the only thing that kept us apart, Leticia, I swear to you,” I muttered. “I wanted to love you so badly…” and then there was just the sound of her crying for a very long time while I held her and we rocked gently together.
My despair came in relentless waves, pounding at me, and then receding, until, finally, I broke our embrace and stared down into Leticia’s eyes.
“It’s the answer to the question you asked last night,” I said softly. “It’s the reason my relationship with Caroline ended. When I found out I was dying, I sent her away. And it’s the same reason I fought so hard to keep you away.”
For a long time we stood in total silence. It took me several minutes to push aside the pain of unhealed wounds, and terrible sadness. I saw images of Caroline’s face again, the anguish in her features, the tears that seemed might drown her…
Sometimes doing the right thing can feel so very wrong.
I stared up at the ceiling, then closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I opened my eyes again, and saw the same agony in this young woman’s face. The pain I had tried so hard to keep secret and avoid was torn across her features.
“I’ve been getting migraines for the past year, and moments where I forget what I was just talking about,” I explained quietly. “Then six months ago I had a seizure, Leticia. That’s why Trigg moved in. She’s been monitoring my medication, and going with me to the hospital for the MRI’s.” I made a brave attempt to smile, but it slid off my face. “And that’s why I wanted you to write my story, and why it had to be done now. Because I don’t know how much longer I have to live.”
“Isn’t there an operation?” Leticia asked. She was sobbing, and her lips trembled with the strength of her appeal.
I shook my head. “There is no operation. Trigg has been here since I sent
Caroline away. She’s monitoring the growth of the tumor. There’s nothing that can be done.”
Leticia shook her head with sudden defiance and disbelief. “So you’re giving up on life?” she sounded appalled.
“No!” I said. “I’m going to fight this, Leticia. I’m going to fight with every ounce of energy and determination I have. I’m going to fight to the death – but it’s my fight. It’s my war. I won’t have your heart broken as collateral damage.”
“So you’ll die alone?”
“I’ll die fighting. Alone.”
“But Jonah, I can – ”
I shook my head. “No.”
She struggled in my arms. “But I want to.”
“No. Leticia, please. Just leave. Go now. Walk out that door, publish your newspaper article and forget me.”
I let her go. My arms fell heavily to my side. She stood there for long agonizing moments wrenched to pieces.
“Please…” I said.
Leticia turned for the door. She moved in a daze. Her feet shuffled across the cold tiles. I watched her walk down the steps. I blinked. I felt tears scalding my eyes and my determination wavered. I felt a vast desolation crush down upon me, so that I wanted to cry out to her in my anguish to come back.
But I couldn’t.
She got to the side of her car and then broke down sobbing. Her whole body shook, as though the pain would crush her. Her shoulders slumped, and she gave a low moan of such despair and shattered agony that I felt the deep raw ache of my heart breaking for her.
I closed the door slowly, and my world turned dark and cold.
* * * * *
That’s my story so far.
As I sit here at my desk and write these words, the rain is falling outside my window. It’s now been twenty-seven days since that terrible morning when I said goodbye to Leticia, and it seems like it has rained every single day.
The article was published in three parts, and some of the bigger newspapers around the country picked up the story. I’m glad about that.