by Leigh Lennon
“I actually do understand what you mean, I met Hildy at a really bad time in my marriage and I'm not proud of this but I started seeing her when I was still married to Rose’s mom. This came out several years ago, right before Lorelei died. Although I'm not proud of what I did to Justine, I did feel that way about Hildy. And I'm pretty sure Justine would say the same thing about Nick and herself. And then there is Kai and Jane, who emulate love at first sight. You can claim to love someone but your intentions can still be off. To take this a bit further, what are your plans with this baby?”
Thinking of my baby makes me smile from ear to ear. “I'm going to be a dad to this baby and I will be involved, and from what I hear, and not to sound like I’m brown nosing you, I hear I can learn a lot from you.”
“Yes, I made mistakes, but my kids, they are precious to me,” Rafe says. “We would like to get to know you better, you’re going to be part of our lives.”
“I’m going to be honest with you. As much as I want to get to know you all, I need to wait until Rose makes a decision about our future.”
“I can respect you feeling this way. But regardless, we want to get to know you.” He stands then shakes my hand. “You will soon find out, as a parent, you will move heaven and earth for your child.”
“I look forward to it.”
“Well, it was nice to meet you and I hope to see more of you. I will get out of your hair before Jones gets here and good luck,” Rafe simply says and the truth is I’m nervous as fuck meeting this guy important to my Toots.
I’m texting Rose back and forth, waiting for Jones. I’m smiling at her ability to send novel-sized texts when she could say one sentence to encompass all she wants to say. It is just the Rose I have come to love and I will take her in any package she’s available in, large texts messages, weird Skittle eating habits, cartoon panties, anal planning and every other quirk that comprises all of her. I look up and recognize Jones. Seeing a couple of pictures of him around Rose’s house, I never understood how a girl as beautiful as Rose ended up with Jones. He’s not bad looking in my opinion, but not what I would expect for her. He looks like the typical academia type of guy, just a bit taller than Rose with black-brimmed glasses. I know Jones doesn’t know what I look like, yet he’s standing right in front of me. I wonder if Kai described me.
“Jones, I’m Brody Buchannan.” We shake each other’s hands. I won’t lie, it is fucking awkward.
“I’m sorry to have blindsided you like this. I know Rose had some complications with her pregnancy and I didn’t want to cause more stress with her. You’ve gotten close to her. I understand that, I really do.”
He really has no idea. He thinks he may, but nothing can describe the way my Rose, the girl I call Toots, makes me feel. She’s my world but I choose to say, “I have, I have really fallen for her.”
His eyes fall at the validation of my true feelings for Rose. “She’s easy to fall for. But I'm back now. I've had some time to think about it. I want to be with her, regardless of whose baby she’s carrying. I wanted you to know my plans.”
“I get it, I know you have history.” Though my heart falls and it falls quickly. I need this woman in my life, her and my baby. All of a sudden, I envision this man in front of me doing everything I want to do with my baby and I feel sick. It is all being stripped from me. I can’t be mad at him. Rose is great. I can’t be mad at Rose. I'm fucking mad at me. How fucking stupid am I? I fell for her and got a little taste of what my life could be like with her.
“But, you feel the same way I do, you want more from her, don’t you?” Jones asks unassumingly.
“I do,” I say and he has to see it written all over my face.
“Well, I guess we know where we both stand. I was going to stop by tonight to see her.”
“Okay, I'll keep my distance tonight.” Oh, but I don’t want to. The idea of him embracing Rose and the baby we made together sends me into a jealous rage but I act as if I'm not jealous, not one bit.
“But I'm not going to make this a contest between you and me, that's not good for Rose,” Jones says.
“I don’t want that either.” That part is true. I'm still a gentleman who wants Rose to be comfortable.
“Now that we can agree to.” Jones then extends his hand to me.
“All right, I'm sure I'll see you around.”
This was both painful and quick. I now have this feral need to see Rose tonight but true to my word, I will keep my distance.
20
Rose
My entire body is humming at the idea of seeing Brody tonight. I want to ask him to stay over, just tonight, in the spare room. My need to have him near me is only confirming that I want him in my future more than just as the baby daddy. The idea is going to be a hard sell, but I will try to work my magic.
Nothing about this situation I find myself in is fair to him and yet I love him in the Jane and Kai sort of way. I hear a knock on the door and realize Brody is actually here and earlier than I thought.
I open up the door to practically throw myself to him and say, “You’re super early.” But I'm not standing in front of Brody.
“Hey, Rose.” A small smile reveals the face of the man I always thought of as my one and only. Yet, it isn’t who I want to see.
“Jones, I was…” I can’t say anymore. He’s still my Jones, with his thick black hair, black-rimmed glasses, wearing a Star Wars shirt with Darth Vader. He’s bulkier, though, and looks more mature, but it has been a year and a half since I have seen him. Why am I not throwing myself at him? Oh, yes, I can answer that but it must be more. I have known him for so long. I'm shocked, that must be why I'm not jumping up and down.
“I know you were expecting someone else, I'm sorry to have just barged in like this.” He takes one look down at me, seeing I’m already showing.
“Come in, but let me text that person really quick to cancel.”
“Rose, it’s all right, you don’t have to do that. Brody isn’t coming tonight.”
“What?” I say, a bit mad at plans being made for me.
“I went and met with Brody this evening. He reluctantly bowed out tonight so I could see you. I wanted him to know I’m not planning to participate in a pissing contest, though he deserved to know what I want and that is you.”
“Now you decided this,” I say as we stand in the living room. I’m livid as fucking hell right now. Both men deciding what is best for me is actually not what is best for me in this moment. Standing with my arms crossed, I should want to embrace him but I don’t, not until he answers me.
“Rose, we have so much history. I should have come home like I planned.”
You’re fucking right you should have, is what I want to say but that's not fair to him, right? Instead, I say, “I don’t blame you, Jones, I really don’t. Yet, because you stayed away, I relied on Brody and we have gotten close. We may not have if you had come home.” He has to know where my heart lies.
“I want you, baby and all.” His face is as serious as I have ever seen it. He doesn’t flinch and reaches for my stomach, putting a hand where the baby is growing.
All I can say is, “You know I have grown fond of Brody.”
“I know that.”
“I'm sorry, I'm not sure what to do. I'm in love with two men.”
“Whoa, Rose,” he says touching his temple, “I know you’re close to him and I could tell he loves you when he spoke of you earlier, but these words are like a knife to my heart. I didn’t know it was that serious, Rose. Give me a second.”
“I'm sorry, I really am.”
“Where does that leave us?”
“I still love you, Jones.”
“And I very much love you, Rose, and I still want that life with you. I still want to marry you, like we had planned.”
“I don’t know where it leaves us, Jones, I really don’t.”
“Are you willing to find out?” he asks.
“I’m not ready to give up on us but I’m not will
ing to give up on Brody either. I know it sounds unfair, but I can see a future with him.” I need to see where my heart lies. Until then I can’t fully give my heart to Brody or give it back to Jones.
“Brody said the same thing earlier and it fucking hurt like hell.”
In this minute, I'm worried about Brody. But I know I owe it to Jones so I say, “I have something on Saturday so let’s spend the day together on Sunday.”
“I will pick you up at 9 a.m.” He leans down to kiss me. “I love you.”
The problem is that after seeing him again, I know I still love him, too.
After Jones leaves, I have an awful image of Brody sitting on his bed by himself in fear of losing what is most important to him—the baby and me. He isn’t going to like it, but dammit, I need to see him right now.
I have only been to his house one other time but I remember the way very easily. I walk toward the apartment and laugh because it matches his car. A girl answers the door, “Can I help you?”
“Yes, I’m here to see Brody.”
“Oh, come on in. You must be Rose. You will be a sight for sore eyes. He has been in a shitty mood since getting home. I'm Marah, by the way, Trent’s fiancée. Buck’s room is over there.”
“Buck?” I ask as I walk to his room.
Knocking on the door, I hear him shout. “What?” he asks, annoyed.
I open the door to his room and let myself in. “Hey.”
“Rose? What are you doing here? It's so late.”
“Well, while you and Jones were making plans for my night, I had plans to see you and I decided to make good on it.”
“Rose, it wasn’t like that.”
“Like hell it wasn’t, Buck.” And I can’t help but laugh and so does he.
He walks toward me and all I want is to feel his comforting touch, as he takes me in his strong embrace. I want to taste his kisses, the ones that lather me when we both want to go further. He takes a hold of me gently and smiles when he asks, “Did you get this lippy with Jones, too?”
“A little, but if given time to really think about it, I would have given him more grief.”
I take a look around the room. “You're a clean freak, aren’t you?”
He has many books stacked in alphabetical order on a bookshelf, and his clothes are hung up in the closet along with his slacks, neatly ironed. Everything has its place. “I’m a bit of one.” Grabbing my hand, his eyes won’t look away from me. “I missed you, I mean, I really missed you and was looking forward to watching one of your stupid chick flick movies tonight. I just felt that you owed it to Jones to see him. If we are going to move forward, you have to face your feelings for him. He asked me to play fair and he promised the same thing.”
I can see the fear in his eyes but I need to be honest with him. “I’m going to spend some time with him, for right now. I'm sorry if that hurts you,” she adds.
“But you’re here now?”
With a smile, I chuckle, “Yes, I’m.” I mold into him, placing my arms around his strong waist. “I’m here because no matter how hard I try, I love you. I really do.”
“Well, since you aren’t yelling at me anymore, I need to tell you, I met with your dad today, too.”
“What?” This shouldn’t surprise me, but it does, in a good way. Maybe my dad is ready to acknowledge this baby.
“He called me and asked to meet him. I felt I owed it to him, too.”
I look at his bed and smile, “That is only a twin mattress. Come back to my house tonight, I would love to feel you next to me. I've missed you.”
“Rose, I can’t do that.”
“It was worth a try,” I say, winking at him.
“I guess it was, Toots.” He smiles, giving me a sweet kiss on my forehead. I love his pecks. At first, they were mostly on the forehead but now, they have been moving closer to my lips. He was kissing my cheeks. Now, with that barrier of Jones back in my life, I guess he’s moving farther away from my mouth.
It's Thursday night and Brody is making good on his promise to come watch a chick flick with me after work. The doorbell rings and looking at the clock, it's too early for Brody, and I'm hoping it's not Jones. I'm starting to really covet my time with Brody and I'm starting to doubt myself when Brody has become more important to me than Jones. How can that be? Jones has my past with all this history. How can I give that up so easily?
I cautiously open the door and see the most unlikely person standing in front of me. “Rose!”
“Lila, what on earth are you doing here?” My heart can’t take any more surprises on my doorstep, especially since Brody seems put off by my best friend.
“You seem to not have time for your best friend anymore. I barely saw you the night of Em's shower. You were out of there quickly and everyone was so hush hush about you. What is up with you? I heard Jones just got home last night, I thought he would be back a month ago and good Lord, girl, have you put on weight?” I’m wearing a long shirt of Brody’s that's not hugging my protruding belly. If it were, Lila would be able to tell right away that I’m pregnant.
“Oh, Lila, it’s always such a pleasure to see you,” I say sarcastically. “Come on in, I better get you caught up on my life.”
“You have a life?” she teases. Lila’s life revolves around Lila. My best friend is a beautiful girl and is fortunate enough to have gotten an entry-level job in fashion at Fox Studios in LA. It didn’t take her long to advance, knowing her looks helped her in this area, and she’s busy with her career. Lila never understood the idea of settling down. She’s out for fun and fun is what she lives for.
“Remind me again, why I’m your best friend?” I ask.
“When I was up here for Emma’s shower, you seemed a little standoffish. Are you okay? Wait, are you cooking? Am I interrupting something?”
“Well, I’m having someone over for dinner but you’re welcome to join us.”
“I would love to get caught up with Jones.”
“Well, it's not Jones.”
“Wait, did you break up? And seriously, it looks like you need to lay off the carbs,” she says, looking at my entire body. I cringe. This is the Lila I have come to ignore when she becomes a bitch like this. Unfortunately, the pregnant me will not be able to put up with her for long.
“Well, I have a lot to tell you. I wasn’t quite ready last month at the shower because I was still trying to figure things out myself.”
“Like what?”
“Do you remember the night of the wedding, I disappeared shortly after the reception started?”
“Oh, yes, you were taking a page from my own book. A real one-night stand. And with Brody, he’s so hot. I tried to seduce him but apparently Jane told him NO and he would not budge. I bet he was good in bed. Wait, is that who is coming tonight? Rose, the idea of a one-night stand is just that!”
“Yes, I'm aware of that. Thanks, though, for filling me in, in case I didn’t know.”
“So, tell me, what is your big news?”
I stand in the walkway of my little kitchen as I prepare to tell Lila why I have put on weight and unlike the others in my life; I'm actually looking forward to Lila’s response. I love shocking her, so I simply say, “I'm pregnant.”
“Wait, what are you talking about? You were careful, you borrowed tons of condoms from me that night.”
“I don’t know, one was defective, I guess.”
“Well, Lord, no offense but if they were defective, I'm glad that’s not me standing there.” I'm not surprised by her selfish response—that is Lila. “So, what are you going to do? Oh shit, that's why you've gained weight? Wait, you’re keeping it?”
“Of course, I’m.”
“And Brody?”
“He lives here in Spokane now and we are going to raise the baby together. That doesn’t mean we will end up as a couple. Jones is back and wants to marry me. But I have fallen in love with Brody, but I still love Jones.”
“Well, your life is a bit fucked up now.” Lila look
s at me, “Why didn’t you tell me? I was just a phone call away. And you knew at Emma’s party?”
“Honestly, I knew you would bring up abortion, you would bring up how messed up this was and until I had a handle on that, I really didn’t want to hear it.”
Looking away from my harsh word, and me she says, “Okay, I get that. I'm sorry; I guess I could have been a little more sympathetic. But seriously, are they fighting over you?” she asks, sitting on her knees on my couch, almost too excited over the idea.
“No, not at all. They are both trying to be gentlemen, not forcing themselves on me. I won’t see Jones until Sunday. Brody and I spend several nights after work together—like tonight. And before you ask, we haven’t slept together; well, except for the obvious,” I say, pulling on the shirt, showing off my stomach to her.
“Well, look at you, Knocked-Up Nancy. You look cute.” She puts her purse down and makes herself comfortable on my couch. “I'm leaving on Sunday morning for a shoot in Canada. Can I crash here?”
“Sure, but Brody will be here soon. We're watching a movie.”
“Oh, cool. So what movie are we going to watch tonight?” she asks, obviously she’s crashing my movie with Brody. “By the way, Lila is a great girl’s name,” she teases.
“It will be Lorel for a girl. Boy's name, we are still working on.” I'm not ready to hear Lila’s opinion on the name Andrew for a boy yet.
“Oh, I can’t argue with the name then.”
We sit and chat for a while as she drinks one of Brody’s beers until he arrives. Before I can tell Brody we have company, Lila makes her appearance at the door. “Well, Brody, it has been a long time since I have seen you, since you barely made an appearance at the wedding.”