by Leigh Lennon
Ruth grabs her hand and squeezes it, “Me, too, sweetie.” My dad and Henry agree by nodding.
“Brody?”
“Hey, Toots, you have me, right here.” I see him out of the corner of my eye wiping the tears from him.
“Actually, guys,” I think for a second, “could you give us a couple of minutes alone with our girl first? Is that all right?”
“Of course,” my mom says.
“Don’t go far. Just wait outside if you can,” I clarify. “And please don’t tell anyone yet.”
“They can wait with me for a couple of minutes,” Gladys says, showing them to an unoccupied room across the hall.
“Okay, sweetie,” Ruth says and they all walk out.
As I anxiously await the arrival of Lorelei Justine, I anticipate a spitfire like her namesake. Dr. Holland walks in a couple of moments later, handing over a bundle wrapped in pink. “I will leave you alone for now and will check in later to answer any questions you may have for me.”
I take this baby that is wrapped tighter than a burrito and instinctively bring her close to me. At the sound of my voice, she instantly looks at me. With tears in my eyes, I say, “Hey, little Lorel. It's nice to meet you. I'm your mom and I will love you forever.” Looking at Brody, I clarify, “These are tears of joy, not sadness. This is ours, we made her together. And I love her so much, I can’t explain it. It's more than I thought.”
“Hey, Tootsie Roll,” Brody says. I look at him in surprise, hearing his pet name for her for the first time. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.” He smiles with his own tears. “She’s perfect, in every way.”
Through the tears, grief and happiness, I turn toward my man, the only one I can think to tackle my life with and the only one that will help me get through the newness of this all. I can’t help but gently smile at him as I say, thankful for the laugh concerning Lorel’s nickname, “How long you been working on that?”
“Ah, since I started calling you Toots.” Leaning down to kiss me, he pulls the blanket down to see more of her face and all the dark hair that covers her head. “I love you, Toots.” Kissing Lorel, he continues, “I love you, too, my Tootsie Roll.”
“She’s perfect,” I say as Brody crawls into bed next to me. We admire our baby, hopeful of Lorelei Justine’s future.
43
Brody
I haven’t had much time with my girls as I try to take the burden off of Rose, sharing the unexpected news of our baby with the family. I left right after my parents along with Rose’s mom, dad and stepparents.
Before I walk back to the room, leaving the lobby, Lila and Kai run in. Before I have to share this news again, Ryan claps my back and says, “You go to your family. I will talk with Kai and Lila.”
Thankful for this intervention, I walk through the double doors, and to the left is a small cubby with drink machines and a couple of small chairs tucked away out of the sight of most walking down the hall. When I see this, though I want to see my new family, I need a breather. Stretching my long legs out and combing my hand through my hair, I then lean forward, placing my head in my hand. When I think I’m by myself, I feel a pat on my shoulder. Looking up through tears, I see Nick. I guess I can be seen from where I’m sitting. However, he doesn’t say a word for a while and just sits with me as all six-foot-two of me cries.
Still with his hand placed on my shoulder, I look at him, “I'm fucking scared, Nick. Rose needs me and I’m a mess.”
He, too, has tears that haven’t found their way down his face. “You know what, Brody, you don’t have to carry Rose by yourself. You both carry one another. This is how you both will come out of this stronger.”
I'm not sure what I was expecting Nick to say, but fuck, if he didn’t already nail what I needed to hear. He continues, “You have something rare with Rose. Many married couples don’t get what you have. I'm not saying this will be easy, but you have one another.”
I turn, giving him a bro-type, clasping the shoulder hug, standing, “Thanks, Nick. I needed to hear those words.”
“I know and just remember, we are here for you.”
Walking down the hallway, ready to make my way into the room, I hear laughter escape through the door and a smile instantly forms on my face.
“Hey, honey. We are just chatting, your daughter and myself. She’s quite the sweet little girl,” my mom says, staring at Lorel. I guess Rose is not planning on letting her out of her sight.
“She takes after her mom,” I say, walking over to Justine, whispering in her ear about Rose’s surprise. She only smiles at me.
“Rose, I'll be right back,” her mom says to her and I know in raised eyebrows that Rose is a little confused.
“Listen, sweetie, I have a surprise for you.” Justine is sneaky but Rose is on to us. Turning to look at Rose, she’s radiant, smiling from ear to ear holding our baby.
“For me, at this hour?” she asks.
“Yes. Give me just a second, afterwards I will be yours for the rest of the night.”
Entering the hallway, I see Lila and Kai with Justine and their solemn faces but I remember the words of my girl when she said, This is not a death sentence, we have a baby. She’s different than we imagined, but she’s ours.
Next to Lila, I see Jones holding her hand. I walk up to him and say, “Thanks for coming, Jones.” I extend my hand to his and Jones shakes it.
“Thanks for inviting me.”
“Well, it's time for bygones to be bygones. It's time to move on, we both have.”
“Thanks, Brody.”
Looking at all three, I say, “Why don’t you come back with Lila? I think she could use you right now.” Jones looks at me as if I’m crazy, sharing this moment with him. I forgave him the second I became a dad. It was time, for everyone involved, especially because it is best for my Rose.
Lila asks, “You sure, Brody?”
“I just became a dad, I have bigger things to worry about. When someone is asking for forgiveness, it is pretty selfish not to accept it. Give me a second to make sure she’s decent,” I say, turning to the door. When I walk in on Rose, alone with Lorel, I stop in my tracks. I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight than the woman I plan to marry holding our baby. If I thought she was beautiful before, which I did, she has now exceeded it ten times.
“I'm all yours now. No more leaving.” I invade her space and she makes room for me next to her. I can’t keep my eyes off of our perfect child, the one perfect thing I have helped create in this world. Stroking her arm, I say, “I’m so proud of you, Toots.”
With only a smile, she asks, “Where is my surprise?”
“Oh, it's coming. Don’t worry.”
44
Rose
“Knock, knock.” Lila’s head peaks around the door. “Did you think I could stay away?”
“Lila! You're here!” I shout, causing little Lorel to jerk.
“Let me get my hands on this sweet baby,” Lila says.
“Sorry, I'm not letting her go, not now anyway, maybe tomorrow. Even Mom and Ruth haven’t held her yet.”
“Well, let me get a look.” She leans down and tears come to her face. “She’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I love her already. And just so you know, I will spoil the fuck out of her.”
“Language, Lila.”
“Oh, sorry, Mama.” She laughs.
There is another knock on the door and Kai walks in. “Is there room for Uncle Kai in here?” I have needed everyone that has been a part of tonight. But knowing my brother is here, it gives me more comfort.
“You came?”
“I couldn’t stay away, sis.”
They all stand admiring the baby wrapped tightly in my arms when a nurse walks in and I hear her say, “Mr. Buchannan, we have made concessions tonight for visitors due to the circumstances. But it is getting awful late and we have to ask you to have all visitors leave for the night. You and the grandparents are the only ones allowed to stay past visiting hours.”
“Th
anks, I have one more person who is waiting to see her,” I hear him say and I’m confused by who else could be here. I have seen everyone come in and out of this room except Tyler and Emma, who I’m not expecting.
“Fifteen minutes,” she says kindly but firmly.
Turning toward us, he says, “All visitors have to leave in fifteen minutes so if you know of anyone else that wants to visit, we need to do it soon.” Kai turns to me and kisses both Lorel and myself and Lila leaves with my brother, without a word.
“Where did Lila go? She left without saying goodbye.”
“I don’t think she left yet,” he says with a smile.
With a knock on the door, Lila walks in holding hands with, wait…it's Jones. “Someone else is very anxious to meet Miss Lorel, too.”
I take in a deep breath, turning to my guy as he says, “Don’t you think there are bigger issues in life than this?”
I can’t hold it back now and I start to cry. “Thanks, Brody,” I say as he motions to Jones that he’s all right to approach the baby and me.
“Rose, I’m really happy for you,” he says with tears in his eyes as Lila stands by his side.
“Do you all know?” I ask.
“Know what? That this baby is a special gift from God and he chose the perfect parents for her? Yes, we know. And we love her more than anything. Don’t ever doubt it for a second,” Lila says, leaning down and embracing me.
Everything hits me at one time, the scary as hell emergency C-section, the unforeseen diagnosis, the bundle of love in my hands, which I both am happy for. But I hurt for the life we had imagined for her. Now, the selflessness of my guy, the man I have the honor of growing old with, my fiancé; it is all just too much for me.
Brody walks over and takes the baby from me as I melt into Lila. She just happens to be the person next to me when the breakdown begins and she holds me tight as Brody stands on the other side of me, Lorel in one of his strong arms and his other holding my hand. Once the flood waters emerge, there is no holding back. The dam that is now containing them is in the arms of Lila and Brody, two of the most important people in my life. Rocked by the fact that I no longer have to fear having to choose between Brody and Lila, my emotions are all over the place.
I look up to see the nurse walk into the spectacle of tears and grief and giving us the okay sign, our guests can stay a little bit longer. After several minutes, I hear Brody say, “I got this.” Immediately, Lila’s arms are replaced by his strong arms.
He places the baby in her bassinet and wheels her close to us. “Don’t worry, Toots, Tootsie Roll is safe,” he says and as Lila backs away, she laughs.
“Oh, no. Tell me this is not going to be her nickname.”
“Sorry, I think it has stuck already,” I say.
Jones gently rubs Lila’s shoulders, pulling her dark hair away from her face. “Dear, we better get going, give them some time alone.”
I look at Lila. “Dear?”
“Yes, it's his name he calls me. I really like it,” she says in her sassy, don’t give me shit kind of tone.
“Wow, you two are a real couple, who would’ve guessed?” I tease. “Thank you so much for coming all this way.”
When Lila is giving me a hug, Jones walks close to Brody and extends his hand, “Thanks again, for letting me come and be a part of this.”
When they walk out together, though I’m still a blubbery mess, I tilt my head up to Brody and say, “You amaze me. Thanks for doing that.”
He crawls into bed with me while holding Lorel as she starts to fuss. “Oh, is she okay?”
“Yes, honey, I think she’s just hungry.” Pulling my shirt up, I take my breast in my hand, squeezing the skin toward the nipples as I concoct them in the way all my parenting books told me to try. Instantly, Lorel latches on. “Isn’t it amazing that they instinctively know how to do that?”
“Wow, look at her little cheeks going to town. She was hungry. Does it hurt?” His concern for me never ends.
“She was really hungry and this stuff she’s getting is really important. It’s called colostrum and has all the antibodies she needs for now. And it doesn’t hurt now, but Hils said it will if they aren’t latched on right.”
When Lorel calms on my breast, I say, “I'm sorry I lost it.”
“I was starting to worry when you hadn’t yet.”
“But are you upset I lost it with Lila and not you?”
“Not at all, the important thing is you got it out and for now, we may need to depend on others. We’re both grieving and feeling guilty for that. I lost it with Nick, if it makes you feel any better.”
“It actually does. But I have to ask, what made you decide to let Jones come with Lila?”
“When she called before the birth and said she had decided to come, she told me very politely I didn’t need to worry because she’d be coming alone. She didn’t do it with her normal Lila attitude. But I thought about it, if the roles were reversed, I would want to be with you in every part of life. If it means being with you when you see Lila’s baby for the first time, I want to experience it with you. It's not fair for me to take this away from her, especially since I know this is different. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to choose. Ryan and I spoke about it today, on the way home from getting the pizza. He called me and gave me his two cents worth and how he would have changed the way he made Lorelei feel, if she were still alive.”
“Well, you’re pretty amazing,” I say, caressing his cheek as we listen to the loud sucking noises of Lorel.
“So are you,” Brody says, stroking my hair.
Lorel unlatches herself from me once she’s full. “I think she’s done eating, I guess I can share her with you now. It's the three of us, from now on,” I say, handing Lorel to her dad.
“Come to me, my little Tootsie Roll. I have a feeling I will never let you go.”
Epilogue
One year later
Brody
Looking out the big window of our newly remodeled house, I see fields as far as the eye can see. I'm not sure why I'm nervous, today of all days. It isn’t as if Rose and I took the traditional route most people do. It is normally date, sex, moving in together, marriage and then children. No, traditional was never part of the plan with us. Considering our order of doing things was sex, getting pregnant, moving in together as soon as we began to date and finally, today of all days—marriage. It's why we decided before the ceremony to have our pictures done at our spot, the swing under the big oak tree, in front of my parents' farm house.
Since traditional is not part of our way, we decided on a small backyard get together in our new house. We have been in Oregon for less than two weeks and we are having a wedding in the midst of all our unpacked boxes. I won’t let Rose lift a finger. No one has noticed yet, but Rose’s beautiful figure that came back so naturally after Lorel, now has a small little baby bump which is getting bigger by the second.
I hear “Da-da” as the door opens and my mom is holding my little angel. Looking at her now, I can’t believe I ever cried the day she was born. I feel guilty thinking about it because she’s as perfect as they come. With Rose’s dark features, the only thing she got from me was blue eyes. My mom has tried to tame the ebony hair that is sticking up all over the place but Lorel hates having her hair brushed. In a white little sun dress, she’s the spitting image of her mother.
“Sorry, I can’t keep this little one away from you.”
Ah, I love that she’s a daddy’s girl. I reach out for her and she jumps from my mom to me as Mom teases, “Traitor.”
I whisper in her ear, “You ready to go see Mommy, now?”
“Ma-ma!” She squeals.
“Then that is what we will do.”
Rose
My mom walks in the guest room and stops as she sees me for the first time in my dress. Before she says anything, she starts to cry. My mom, Justine Wallace, is crying.
“Of course, you look beautiful,” she begins, “and
I’m happy as fuck about it but now I’m going to have another grandchild.”
My heart stops. We were going to announce it after the wedding. “How did you know?” I ask.
“A mother always knows this.” She only smiles. “And don’t think I haven’t noticed Brody not letting you do anything,” my mom begins. “Anyway, Brody is waiting for you on the back deck.” Giving me a little kiss, she leaves me to myself for a couple of minutes.
We never really followed a timeline so when Ruth said we couldn’t see each other before the wedding, we only laughed at her. Of course, I'm not going a night without sleeping with Brody if I can avoid it.
We did decide to get ready separately to keep the surprise alive, a happy medium that Ruth was almost content about. Brody and I, along with Lorel, are walking down the aisle together. We are a family but today I take Buchannan as my last name. As the summer fades and autumn sets in on Oregon, I’m happy about my family, my new house and our new start.
I look out the back window where I see everyone I love, except Emma. I miss her so much and wish she was standing up with me along with Jane, Lila and Bryn today. I hope to see her again soon. With both her and the absence of Lorelei, I can’t help but be a little sad. I’m thankful for everyone else who is here to celebrate.
Remembering my bouquet of red roses, I mean what else can I have, I walk to the back deck in my tea-length dress, not the traditional wedding dress. Lila gasped at the idea of something this simple. With the modest but modern A-line bodice in ivory and the skirt full of tulle with a large red ribbon around my waist, I can hide my little bump a bit longer. To make Lila a little happier, I let her buy me a pair of red Louboutin’s which are quite the luxury on the farm, but appreciated anyway. Brody was happy about the shoes when he said they would look best on me when I'm naked.