by Mari Mancusi
Not that rationalizing eases the guilt all that much as I look down at the people on their knees before me.
I open my mouth to speak, not at all sure what I should say, if anything. Still, I feel the need to at least send a few encouraging thoughts their way. After all, it’s not every day I get bowed down to and chanted at.
“People of Terra,” I begin, my voice quavering. “It has been a long time. I know you’ve been through some terrible ordeals while I’ve been away. And I know the government’s asked you to believe some horrible things about my departure. But I stand here before you tonight, dedicated to our cause and asking you to renew your faith as well. I understand how easy it can be to settle into your daily existence. To give up and figure it’s not worth fighting the good fight. But we all know, deep in our hearts, it is worth it. Every bead of sweat, every drop of blood, every tear shed—it all brings us one step closer to our ultimate goal. To freedom!”
The crowd leaps to its feet as one, cheering and clapping and whooping. I’ve got to admit, I’m pretty impressed myself. I have no idea where that speech came from. But I’m glad it touched them somehow. I steal a glance at Ruth, who’s standing at the side of the stage. She’s beaming and clapping. A sense of pride swells inside me. I’ve not let them down.
But suddenly the cheers are replaced by screams of terror. I look back at the audience and see armed men in silver-colored body armor bursting through the auditorium doors, throwing smoke bombs into the crowd, assaulting the Dark Siders where they stand.
“Stay where you are!” a voice from a megaphone commands. “You are all under arrest for violation of the Terra Code 1-55435-4. Unauthorized political gatherings are not permitted under the law.”
Panic ensues, the blinded crowd trying unsuccessfully to dissipate before being knocked down by the gas fumes. It’s total chaos—running, trampling, screaming, begging. I watch the scene in horror from the stage, my hands fingering my sword belt, wondering if drawing a weapon I don’t know how to use will do any good. I’m so lost in the riot before me that at first I don’t feel the hand at my arm, frantically trying to pull me offstage. Then something registers and I whirl around, ready to meet friend or foe head-on.
I realize it’s Dawn, his face ashen and his eyes wide.
“They’re looking for you,” he says, his terror clear. “We have to get out of here. Now!” He thrusts a gas mask–like contraption at me and yanks another over his own face.
I don’t need a second invitation; I pull the mask over my head.
Dawn leaps off the stage and I follow. My boot heel snaps as it hits the concrete floor and I’m forced to kick off my footwear and leave it behind. We weave into the panicked mob, pushing and shoving our way through the crush, heading for the exit. There’s an overwhelming smell of sweat and fear, and the smoke from the bombs makes it nearly impossible to see where we’re going. Someone steps on my bare foot, causing me to stumble, falling into the mob and onto the ground. For a moment I fear I’ll be trampled to death, but Dawn grabs my hand and yanks me to my feet just in time. Then, without releasing his hold, he drags me down the side of the stage and into the orchestra pit.
We come to a small door cut into the stage, maybe once used as a discreet exit for musicians and their conductor. Tonight, it’s a lifesaving portal. Dawn presses his thumb against a sensor and it swings open. We have to duck to make it through the small entrance. As soon as we’re on the other side, Dawn pulls the door shut and the LCD lights turn red, letting us know it’s been locked.
“Come on,” Dawn says. “We can get out this way.”
“What about the others?” I ask, looking back at the door.
“There’s nothing we can do. It’s more important to get you out.”
“But we can’t just leave them!”
“Mariah—I mean Skye,” Dawn cries. “What are you going to do if you go back out there? Take on the entire regiment yourself? You’re good with that sword, but not that good.”
He’s right. I know he’s right. But it breaks my heart to think of the Dark Siders out there, being brutally punished for their devotion to me—er, Mariah.
“What if I gave myself up?” I asked. “I mean, if they’re looking for me.”
Dawn shakes his head furiously. “No. That won’t help. And you’ll be doing your people a disservice. They need you. They need to believe in you.”
I give up. After all, it’s not like I want to go turn myself in and face torture and death at the hands of crazed totalitarian government officials. And Dawn’s right; there’s nothing I can do at this moment to save those people out there. Better to live and fight another day.
“Besides,” Dawn adds, “they’ll be fine. We get gassed by soldiers on a regular basis these days. It’s not pleasant, but they won’t suffer any permanent damage.”
Knowing this makes me feel a bit better as I follow Dawn down the dark passageway, past dusty trombones and tubas and stage props. At the end of the room there’s a door. Dawn presses his ear to it before activating the thumb sensor.
“I can’t tell for sure if anyone’s out there,” he says. “We’ll just have to risk it.”
He pushes open the door and looks from side to side. Then he motions for me. I step out into the hallway.
“We need to get to my bike,” he says. “It’s parked outside.”
We rush down the corridor, the background of screams sound-tracking our journey. The smell of smoke and fear hangs heavy in the air. We turn a corner and stop short as we see our exit is blocked. Two burly guards, dressed in silver uniforms and wearing swords, are standing in front of the door. They look up and see us, and motion to one another.
“Great,” Dawn mutters. “We’re going to have to fight.”
He’s on them before they can pull out their communication devices and report. With strength and speed I’ve never seen, Dawn grabs the two of them by their necks and effortlessly lifts them a foot off the ground. They claw and kick and choke, but can’t break free from his grasp of steel. His eyes are wild as he bashes their heads into one another, skulls colliding with a sickening crack. He releases them, their bodies crumpling to the ground. They’re not getting up. Maybe ever.
I stare in disbelief at sweet, gentle Dawn, who has suddenly transformed into the Incredible Hulk right before my eyes. My thoughts fly back to the fight we had in the alleyway over the knife. He must not have been even trying.
“How did you …?” I start to ask, amazed at his superpowers. But I can’t finish my question. Someone grabs me from behind, yanking me by my hair. I whirl, drawing my sword on instinct as I turn and thrusting out my arm. The blade slices through my attacker’s middle as if he were made of butter, meeting resistance only at his vertebrae, before completing its journey to the other side. The man’s face freezes in a death gaze as his top half slides off his bottom and onto the floor. Blood spurts out like a waterfall, soaking me.
I sway, dizzy and light-headed, my eyes blurred with panic and fear. But I have no time to be sick or afraid. No time to hesitate. A second guard rises behind him, brandishing his own sword. I raise my weapon, hoping and praying I can either channel Mariah or pick up some sword skills on the fly.
“They’ve jammed the door,” Dawn calls out to me, his voice panicked. “Try to fend him off while I decode it.”
My katana flashes under the artificial light, almost as if it’s shining with an inner glow. My opponent raises his own sword, smiling maniacally. He charges forward, swinging his blade in sweeping slashes—upper left to lower right, upper right to lower left. I stand still, my blade shimmering in the silence, judging his distance, then parrying just at the moment his sword’s parallel to mine. The blades clash, and we strain against each other until his slides free. I leap back just in time to avoid his second swing, a calculated slash designed to slice me in half. My heart pounds as I steady my hands and prepare for round two.
He charges again, and I surprise myself with another easy block. Something de
ep inside me, emerging from some hidden recess in my brain, seems to be giving my hands effective instruction. Have my sword-fighting skills come from a few too many rounds of Mortal Kombat in my youth? Or am I really finding some inner Mariah?
I shake my head. Time to ponder the why later. Right now I have a sword fight to win. I check my opponent. Up close, I realize he’s a bit overweight and drowning in sweat. His initial attacks have worn him out. Time to make my move.
I parry his weak attempt at a blow, then whirl and stab my sword forward, catching him off balance and off guard. He bellows in agony as the blade slips between his ribs, pinning him to the pillar. Blood soaks his silver uniform.
This time I can’t bear it. My stomach heaves and I bend over to be sick. I can feel Dawn behind me, pulling me away. “The door’s open. We have to go now!” he cries, yanking my sword out of my victim. It makes a disturbing sound as it’s pulled free—a sound I can confidently say I’ve never heard before. Dawn tosses the blood-soaked weapon to me and I can feel my stomach lurch again. So much blood. So much death. All at my own hands.
But better them than me.
Dawn opens the door and we run down the corridor, jump on his hover bike, and zoom off down the black tunnels as fast as the vehicle can take us. We’re really flying. I hold on for dear life, my heart slamming against my rib cage, my whole body shaking. The wind whips through my hair, through my jacket, freezing me to the bone.
We ride for what seems like hours. I can’t help but keep turning around, paranoid that we’re still being followed by sword-wielding maniacs. Unwanted visions of the invasion still parade through my mind. Both sides are locked in an endless war over a girl who isn’t even remotely sure she’s who they think she is.
But am I Mariah? Am I really? The thought nags and tears at me, unwilling to be ignored. Skye never picked up a sword in her life. I just fought like the bride in Kill Bill. How is that possible? I’d love to say I just got lucky, but I know that’s not the case. I knew what I was doing. Somehow, some way, I was completely in control of my actions. How is that possible?
An uneasy chill shivers through me. It’s not from the bike ride this time. Who am I? It should be an easy question. So, how come I’m starting to doubt the most obvious answer?
Dawn finally slows the bike and it settles back to the ground. He jumps off, then helps me do the same. My muscles are aching, my knees shake, my face is on fire. I look around, assessing my surroundings. We seem to be in the center of a Dark Sider community of some sort, but it appears deserted. At first I have the troubling thought that perhaps this is because its inhabitants are all lying unconscious back in the arena, but then I notice the crumbling buildings are covered in cobwebs. Either it’s another illusion, like the tower, or this place hasn’t been lived in for a while.
Dawn walks up to a metal door of a tall tenement building and yanks it open. We step into the ruined lobby. There are scuffed, dirty linoleum floors, a crumbling stone concierge desk at the far end. Faded paintings of children romping in the sunshine hang haphazardly from the wall, and a row of elevators stand to the right. It’s similar to the lobby of the Eclipsers’ secret hideout, but even more depressing, if that’s possible.
“What’s this?” I ask.
Dawn doesn’t answer. He simply motions for me to do the thumb thing to call the elevator. A moment later, the door slides silently open. We step inside and Dawn pushes the button for the tenth floor. We shoot upward, the elevator car creaking and shaking from side to side as we rise.
Dawn and I both stare straight ahead, as if mesmerized by the numbers rising to meet our destined floor. The tension between us is thick. We don’t touch, but at the same time, I can feel him just inches away. As I breathe in, his scent fills my nostrils—musky, dark, intense. I squeeze my hands into fists, trying to resist the overwhelming urge to give in to the near-escape adrenaline thrumming through my veins and throw myself into his arms.
The doors slide silently open, revealing a decrepit hallway with peeling wallpaper, pulled-up carpet, and trash strewn everywhere. Graffiti promises the apocalypse is near. Guess the taggers were right.
I follow Dawn down the musty corridor, careful not to step in puddles. Must be plumbing problems here on top of everything else. He certainly picked the most remote building in Terra to hide out in. Which, I guess, is probably best, given the circumstances.
He comes to a door and motions for my magic thumb again. I press it against the sensor, amazed that even here it works as a magical key. The door slides open and we step inside.
I gasp in surprise when I see the cozy apartment that greets me. If I hadn’t made the journey myself I wouldn’t have believed this well-decorated space was part of the building we just wandered through. There’s a plush, cozy couch in one corner, a flat-panel TV hanging on the adjacent wall. A full-service kitchen leads off from the living room, complete with breakfast bar. On the walls are numerous framed photos of people. I take a closer look. Some I recognize as Eclipsers. Others are unfamiliar. But it’s the center picture that grabs my attention.
It’s of me, cuddled in Dawn’s arms, both of us smiling happily into the camera. Dawn’s face is so radiant, so unguarded and joyful. It breaks my heart. I glance over at him, standing awkwardly by the door, as if not sure to make himself at home. His fingers twitch by his side. His face is white and his eyes dart everywhere but to me.
Poor Dawn. Poor, poor Dawn.
Something inside me breaks—a thin filament keeping me together, keeping me hanging on to life on Earth and all the decencies that go with it. Blame it on the senseless attack and our narrow escape. Or perhaps it’s just some lingering memory deep inside my subconscious.
Whatever. I just have to have him. Here. Now. Mine.
I cross the room in seconds, throwing myself into his arms. Smashing my face against his—seeking, finding his lips, his mouth. I slide my fingers from his cheeks to his hair, digging into the long smooth strands while my body hungrily presses against his.
He’s still for a second, as if in shock; then he returns my kiss, opening himself to me fully, sharing all that he has to give without hesitation. He slams me against the wall, pinning my arms above me with one hand. His other restlessly explores, curving around my hip, dragging across my stomach. I shudder and let out a small squeak. The ache he’s invoked is nearly unbearable. I twist my calf around his thigh, pressing myself into him. He wants me. Perhaps as badly as I want him.
“Dawn,” I moan. “Oh, Dawn.”
There’s no response. I open my eyes, aware of a sudden emptiness, a sudden vacancy. It’s then that I realize Dawn has retreated to the other side of the room. What the hell? Here I am, prostrate against the wall, panting, sweating, barely able to form a thought in my head, and he’s gone off to read a magazine?
“But, wait—” I say, not sure what’s going on. Why did he walk away? Fear and confusion shoot through me as I fight to regain my senses and figure out what happened. Did I do something? Say something? “Don’t you want to … I mean …?” I’m not sure what to say, not sure what to do.
I can see his hands trembling, belying his nonchalance. He does want me. Wants to continue where he left off. But something’s stopping him. What?
“Dawn, talk to me,” I beg, my voice croaky and concerned.
“This isn’t right,” he says at last. “We shouldn’t do this. After all, as you’ve told me a hundred times, you’re not Mariah. You’re not the girl I love.”
An aching emptiness floods me as I manage to peel myself from the wall. I feel disgusted at myself. For allowing this to happen. For succumbing to my desire for a man I don’t even know. One who’s in love with someone else.
I look over at Dawn, at the pain and frustration clear on his face. He squeezes his hands into fists, staring so intensely at the ground I’m half afraid it will burst into flames. He’s so passionate. So unguarded and desperate in his love for this girl who betrayed him. A part of me suddenly wishes I really was
Mariah. To be the recipient of such intense, powerful devotion from this beautiful boy. To be loved with all of someone’s heart, soul, and mind. I’ve never had that. My relationships have always been more about companionship and fun and hanging out than any kind of deep connection like he’s experienced with his true love.
Fearless leader of Terra or no, Mariah must be one stupid girl. She had it all. Had Dawn’s unwavering attention and yet she let it slide away. And now I’m the one left to pick up the pieces of this broken boy’s heart. A walking, talking empty ghost of the person he once loved. I don’t deserve his devotion. His passion. I’ve done nothing to earn it.
“I’m sorry,” I say, though I’m not sure exactly why I feel the need to apologize. Am I sorry I kissed him? Sorry I let him act on that kiss? Sorry I’m not the girl he wishes I were?
“It’s like making out with a ghost,” Dawn mutters, half to himself, not acknowledging my apology. “To a shell of someone I once loved.”
His words stab me in the gut. Just what I want to hear after opening myself up to a guy I’m really starting to like. I’m not good enough. I’m not the one he wants. The encounter between us meant absolutely nothing. Shame wells up inside me and my stomach burns. I feel so dirty, so vile. How could I have accepted his touch, burned under his mouth? Succumbed to a cheap, physical act and confused it with more that that?
I want to be sick.
“I’m sorry,” Dawn says, catching the look on my face. “I don’t mean it like that. I liked … well, I mean … It’s just … what are we doing here? There’s no way we should be getting involved. You’re leaving tomorrow to go back to your life. I don’t want to get attached to you just to have you abandon me all over again.”
“Right. I understand,” I say stiffly. I sit down on the couch, as far away from him as possible. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
We’re both silent for a moment, each locked in our own heads, trying to sort out what happened and what can be done about it. I’m desperate to change the subject. “So, um, where are we?” I ask. “Who lives here?”