(Amelia)
His bed was tucked into a corner and it was instantly my new favorite spot in the world. To just sit there under the warm blankets holding a warm cup of coffee, that was pretty good. But to have Josh sitting on the edge of the bed, turned so he could look at me, a look in his eyes that made my heart forget how to properly beat… I wasn’t sure if that was heaven or hell.
I mean, it felt like heaven. But any time near Josh had the appeal of hell.
I sipped the coffee and stared back at him.
The silence was intense.
I was sure Josh wasn’t the type to share his bed just for sleeping. And it wasn’t as though my body wasn’t aching in a way that made my cheeks feel flush. I had always wondered about him. What he was like in bed. What it was like. What it felt like. What he could do and how he would do it.
Maybe there was a little sting of regret to match the slight headache from the whiskey the night before. I’d be the one who would end up not sleeping with a guy like Josh because I drank whiskey. Rather than let my guard down and trust my body and its needs, I completely put my guard up.
Then again… it was morning. We were sober. The coffee was good. And we had nothing but time.
“What’s your day look like?” he asked me.
His sleepy morning voice was an instant turn on.
“The only thing on my schedule is a shower.”
“You can do that here if you’d like,” he said.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to be in your way.”
“You? Naked. In my shower. That’s not going to be in the way at all.”
“I’ll be sure to lock the door,” I teased.
“Joke’s on you, love,” Josh said as he stood up. “The lock is broken. So you’ll have to trust me.”
I swallowed hard and stared up at him. “Are you sure I’m not in your way? If you have anything to do… anyone to meet or whatever… I can show myself out.”
“If I wanted you to show yourself out, I would have told you to leave by now,” he said. “I kind of just do whatever I want, love. Whenever I want.”
“And what’s on your mind then? What’s your next project?”
Josh looked back at me and grinned. “You.”
I put my clothes into a small pile on the floor of the bathroom. The walls were old white tiles and the floor bigger white tiles. The shower had glass doors that resisted when you pulled them open. With a towel around my body, I wiggled my toes waiting for the hot water to kick in. I had looked at the doorknob fifty times, seeing the old slide lock and that it was indeed broken.
Not that I would expect Josh to come busting into the bathroom.
Then again, it was Josh.
I really didn’t feel like going back to my apartment. I didn’t want to deal with Grace. With all the cat stuff around the apartment. Or hear what she had to say about life. The sad truth was that I kept a bag packed in my car at all times. And not just a small bag either. But a bag with enough clothes and personal items to last me a few days. I wasn’t sure why I did it… maybe there was a part of my soul that wanted to be reckless and just pack up and leave.
That bag was on the floor next to my clothes.
I stuck my hand into the water and pulled it back quickly.
I shook my hand.
It was ice cold.
I jiggled the handle and the water was not getting hot.
Not even warm.
“Damn,” I whispered.
I inched back to the door and bit my lip. I looked at my clothes.
I really didn’t want to get dressed just to ask Josh for help.
I opened the door a little and saw him near the large windows. Standing in a long-sleeved shirt. He had changed. At least his shirt. But his jeans were the same. His bed-head the same. He faced off with an easel and was scribbling something beautiful on a white canvas.
“Josh?”
He turned and his eyes went wide. “Love?”
“There’s no hot water.”
“Ah, shit,” he said. “You have to push it really hard.”
“I did that.”
“Okay. Trade spots with me then.”
I inched back and felt my cheeks burning as he entered the bathroom.
He shut the door and looked right at me.
I shivered inside the towel. I felt naked, which I was, underneath it. But my shoulders were exposed. My arms exposed. Some of my legs. My feet. The towel hugging against me in a way that didn’t make me feel good.
Josh stared for a few seconds and then walked to the shower. He reached in and gave the handle a twist and pushed. There was a metal pop sound.
“There,” he said. “It’s all old pipes. Sorry about that.”
A few seconds later steam started to rise up from the shower.
“Thank you,” I said. “Sorry to bother you while you were drawing.”
“Nothing to worry about.”
Josh moved toward the door and I moved toward the shower.
I waited to hear the door open and shut so I could take off the towel and get into the finally hot water.
Except I didn’t hear a sound.
As I started to turn my head, I felt Josh touch me.
His hands against my hips.
I looked down and saw his fingers over the towel, touching me.
A moment later, his body was against mine.
My hands started to shake. The steam in the bathroom seemed to be collecting even faster now.
He waited, just holding there.
I moved my right hand to his right hand.
I had two choices. Peel his hand away. Or move it where I wanted it.
My heart and mind battled in the loudest argument I’d ever heard.
But it was also the shortest too.
I shut my eyes and pulled his right hand up to the top of the towel.
I let his hand go and took a shuddering breath.
His fingertips touched the bare skin of the top of my chest. Without hesitation, he pulled, opening the towel. It fluttered a little then fell down to my feet.
I was now naked in front of Josh.
My entire body shivered, sending goosebumps crawling from head to toe. That was met with a rushing heat to a place you could guess.
My toes curled at the floor.
His right hand inched down and flirted with my breast. I looked down just in time to see his fingertips move over my nipple. I sighed and shivered again.
His hand then slid down my stomach and I watched with my mouth open as he left a trail of fingerprints to a destination that had been waiting for this way too long. The roughness of his fingertips was met by the soft, smoothness of my skin.
Josh made a surprising move as he slid his hand to the right and touched the front of my leg. I gasped and felt my hips thrust forward, unable to control what I craved from him.
His left hand then moved, going to the small of my back.
He gently pushed.
“Step into the shower, love,” he whispered.
“Josh…”
“Listen to me.”
I took the first step into the shower. I felt like I was going to fall. That my legs were made from rubber. I managed to get into the shower, the water hitting my left shoulder and side of my face.
Josh’s right hand disappeared, but before I could say a word, his left hand slid around my body with speed and purpose. When he dipped down between my legs, I jumped and cried out. My hand grabbed his shirt.
“Your shirt,” I said in a breathless voice.
“It’s fucking water, love,” he growled.
I bit my lip as two of his fingertips pressed against me. I looked down and saw his long sleeve getting soaked, clinging to his arm.
My legs started to shake as he entered me. Slow and thorough, curling at the right spot, gently sliding back out only to go right back in again. I reached forward and put a hand to the cool tiled wall. My knees started to bend as the pleasure was already threatening to mount.
In my mind I screamed to calm down but that was impossible.
This was Josh.
I couldn’t control myself now.
We had gone too far.
We had sprinted past the line and there was no going back.
“Fuck,” I whispered as I bit my lip.
His right hand crested over my ass and began to knead.
His left hand worked its magic, testing my depths, leaving me wondering how deep he could go with something else. I lowered my head and felt the back of my legs tighten, forcing my body to jerk forward. He eased his fingers out of me and curled up, spreading my petals open and pressing against my tender clit. With just one circular motion, I had to put my other hand out to keep from falling. I was literally melting in front of him, just because of his touch.
“Now, love,” he said in a low growl.
My knees parted a little more and I bent further as I felt my climax attack me from deep within. Like a boulder gently rocking at the top of a steep hill, inching forward that last bit and rolling faster by the second.
I threw my head back, my hair half wet, slapping behind me, slapping Josh and I let out a cry of relief. My voice bounced off the steam filled walls. It was a thick fog in the bathroom as I rocked back and forth, my left hand moving from the wall so I could grab Josh’s wrist. I held him where I needed him until I was finished.
Then I pushed him away.
That’s when his right hand swept around my belly and he pulled me back to him.
My wet body against his shirt.
He was getting soaked but he didn’t care.
I was shaking. My heart racing. My mind pissed at my heart. But my mind secretly wanting more.
“Shhh,” Josh whispered as he kissed my cheek. “Finish your shower, love. Then I want to take you somewhere. Show you something. Another piece of my story.”
Josh let me go and shut the shower door.
It groaned, shaking the entire bathroom like a rushing freight train.
I listened and finally heard the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing.
I turned and faced the water, letting it hit my face and wash everything away.
But there was no washing Josh away.
Time had its chance to do that and it didn’t happen.
Now I was closer than ever.
And I wanted everything he had to offer.
I had no idea where he was taking me. I made a small list in my head. But a cemetery wasn’t on that list. My mind and body were still reeling from what had happened in the shower. The hottest part of it (besides Josh touching me) was the way he acted as though nothing had happened. He was the same Josh, but I was certainly not the same Amelia.
That moment… his touch…
It had played through my mind so many times for so many years.
Josh parked his SUV on a dirt path and turned it off. He reached for my hand before I could get out.
“This is me, love. The pieces you’ve always wondered about and wanted. All the moments that collected together to make me into me.”
“You don’t have to do this, Josh.”
“I do. Because it’s the only way I’ll understand you. And what your life was really like. He hurt you. I know that. I know he hurt your mother. He really hurt her. But did he hurt you in the same way?”
“No,” I said, my heart squeezing. I looked around at the cemetery and gritted my teeth. “No. I fought back. I always fought back. She never did.”
“You were always strong, Amelia.”
“She was too,” I said. “Just not when it came to him. Ever. Even after he was gone, she was the same. No. Worse. She grieved him. She grieved him so hard and I never understood it.” I looked at Josh. “That’s what finally made me drive her away.”
“She’s still alive?”
“Somewhere.”
“Damn. That’s heavy.”
“No. It’s not. We did what we had to do for each other to survive.”
“See? That right there, love. That’s strength. If that were me, I’d be halfway through a bottle, looking for something to relieve the thoughts.”
“Like that woman at the restaurant?”
“Ah. Right. Michelle. You know she left. And I’m never going to lie about who I am. Or what I want.”
“I have to say, being sweet talked in a cemetery is a first for me,” I said.
“Come on.”
We walked side by side, but we didn’t hold hands. Not that I expected it.
As we weaved through the stones - new and old - the part of my brain that demanded writing, storytelling, the complete ending to everything wondered about all these lives that were lived. Birth to death, the moments in between. Life and family. Love and hurt.
“I don’t know why I brought you here,” Josh said as we stopped. “You know the story. I just… I haven’t been here in a while. To see her.”
It was his grandmother’s headstone.
An angel cut in the stone, praying, large wings. Inside the wings were splashes of emerald green.
“Joshiphene,” I said.
“I was named after her,” Josh said. He put a hand out. “Before you get mushy on that, my father did that to get on her good side.”
“It’s a great name. A strong name.”
“That’s who she was. Great and strong.” He rubbed his jaw. “Ah, fuck, love, I’m still connecting all the dots. Right over that mountain was where you used to find me. I always wanted to save you, but it was bad for me too. I’m sorry about that.”
“I wish I knew about her,” I said. “Your grandmother. I can’t believe you went through that alone. All the way to the end?”
Josh nodded. “To the end.”
“And your father…”
“Never around,” he said. “His new life and his new family captured all of his attention. That’s why I did what I did all the time.”
“I’m sorry, Josh,” I said. “I really am. I can’t imagine seeing him take care of other people and leave you behind.”
“It wasn’t just me, love,” Josh said.
He crouched down and put his elbows to his knees.
I stepped to the side and gave him a few seconds to himself.
I looked around and noticed there was a small stone in the ground next to Josh’s grandmother’s.
Josh stood back up. “Ah, shit, let’s get out of here. I shouldn’t have brought you here and ruined the mood.”
“No,” I said. I grabbed for his hand. I squeezed. “You’re telling me things I’ve always wanted to know, Josh. That means a lot to me.”
“I think you mean a lot to me,” he said. “That’s what has got my head all fucked up right now. The pretty girl from yesterday is now the beautiful woman of today. And now I’m suddenly worried about tomorrow. That’s not how I do things.”
I swallowed hard. “Neither do I. I’m a crazy mess, Josh. I’m waitressing to survive, if that’s what you can call it. I have a chance to write and I freak out, then find every excuse not to do it. I have this… it doesn’t matter. I have to get back to the cat palace. Get ready for work later.”
“Grab a quick lunch with me first?” he asked.
“Of course.”
Josh turned to walk, and I looked down one last time.
The little headstone in the ground… the first three letters…
Del
I pulled my hand away from Josh’s.
Without thinking, I dropped down to one knee and reached forward. I hurried to wipe away old leaves, grass clippings, and the overgrowth that hid the rest of the name. My mind, searching for a story already, said the name was Delilah. That was the name on the stone and the name in the letter. Which would mean…
“Delaney,” I whispered.
“What are you doing?” Josh asked.
I looked at him.
His face twisted in what looked like anger.
“Nothing,” I said. “I thought I saw… who is this?”
“Nobo
dy,” he said. “We need to leave right now.”
There were two years on the little stone. Three years apart.
That’s when it hit me that this was the grave of a three-year-old girl.
“Josh…”
He was on the move toward his SUV.
Something just happened.
I stepped over a line.
Chasing a story that wasn’t there.
And yet again, it was another piece of the puzzle that made up Josh.
Chapter 26
Friendship Fancy
THEN
(Amelia)
My best friend was named Margaret. I called her my best friend, but I had no idea what she called me. We had known each other since we were eight years old. That whole casual friendship thing because we sat next to each other in class. That’s all it was. As we kept getting the same classes over and over together. We talked more. We laughed. We helped each other. Then came the day she asked me to go to her house after school.
It seemed like a good idea.
Her father was a doctor and her mother used to be a nurse. She lived at the top of town where all the rich people lived. Her house had three stories plus a finished basement. There were more rooms and doors than I had ever seen in a house. Her father insisted on being called Dr. Bill. Her mother made me call her Donna.
They were too much, in a good way. They weren’t shy about hugging.
Margaret had every toy and every video game system possible.
The second I stepped foot into that house, I knew our friendship was screwed. I’d never be able to have Margaret come to my house. Ever. It was far too dangerous. It was far too messy. And even if my father was gone for a day - or forever - my house was a total embarrassment. But I never wanted it to seem like I was mooching off Margaret and her family.
I knew that would happen… and only time would prove me right.
The hardest part of life were the random days. People looked forward to Friday to have the weekend. Teachers got a break. Students got a break. Or people looked forward to a certain night at a restaurant for food and drinks. Or people looked forward to Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
A Letter to Delilah Page 16