by Erica M Kim
“Lio Manos.” The two men grasp each other’s hand, both knuckles turning white. Boys will always be boys. I suppress an eye roll. Lio is taller than Vincent by a few inches, and I finally get a glimpse of the menacing side of Vincent. Neither men dares to break the icy staring contest, which I personally think is comical. But it’s time to end the pissing match.
“Okay, gentlemen. Vincent, I already made arrangements to have dinner with Lio tonight. Can we try to reschedule for later in the week? Perhaps Thursday?” I offer to meet Vincent on the night of the full moon. I’m killing two birds with one stone, and I’m proud of it.
“Of course, my dear,” Vincent says, finally breaking eye contact with Lio. He slightly bows his head to me. “Until Thursday. Have a wonderful night; I hope you don’t forget about earlier,” he says with a smirk as he finally walks away. Great, now I am going to have to do some fictitious explaining again. Thanks a fucking lot, Vincent.
“You’re actually going to meet with that man? He’s like twice your age! What the hell does he mean about earlier today?” Lio says incredulously.
“He’s a business associate to me,” I state matter-of-factly.
“What type of business? And why is he at your place? It is very apparent, Lunis, that this man means more than business. How can you set a date to meet with him?” Lio says attacking me with a barrage of questions. I am actually quite touched by this possessive side of Lio. I grab Lio’s waist and bring him close to me. I stare straight into his eye with nothing to hide.
“Look, Lio, I promise you that it’s only business. You were the one invited here, and I’m sorry that you had to see him here. I would have had to meet him this week anyway. He is the property owner of Hair of the Dog and I have to discuss our lease terms. He’s been calling and texting me about the meeting.” I hate myself for lying to Lio so blatantly.
“Come in, let’s eat. The food might be cold by now. Please.” I lean in and kiss Lio’s soft lips gently and pull him inside before he can continue to argue.
32
The food is nearly cold, though luckily, I left the roast inside the oven. As I quickly reheat the side dishes, Lio gives himself a quick tour of my living room. He analyzes every piece of furniture and stops at the fireplace mantel with all the photos. He carefully scrutinizes each photo like a detective solving a mystery. One is the picture in the surveillance frame of my parents and me. Another is of my five-year-old self and my father building a sandcastle in Newport Beach.
“I’m guessing these are your parents; they look like very lovely people.” Lio picks up the downturned picture frame of Damien and I. He doesn’t ask why it’s face down. “Who’s this little fella?” Lio asks, pointing to Damien.
“That’s Damien, he was my childhood best friend,” I respond quietly.
“Oh yeah?” Lio says, too absorbed into the photo to notice. “Do you guys still keep in contact?”
“No, he’s dead.” This time Lio quickly looks up at me, concern written across his face. “I’m so sorry, Lunis. I didn’t mean to dig.”
“It’s okay; there’s no way you could have known.” Stifling a shudder as I recall the abominable memory, I take the picture frame from Lio. I tell him about how Damien and I met, and I recall stories of our playful childhood. Lio listens quietly, with a somber and attentive face. When I don’t explain his death, he doesn’t push me for it.
My hands shake as I carefully place the picture frame back on the mantel. It’s overwhelming trying to keep my emotions buried inside, so I walk away to try to focus on setting the table with the reheated food instead. Before I reach the table, Lio comes from behind and wraps his arms around me. The moment I feel him, all of the strain and anxiety starts to melt away from my body.
“Listen to me, Lunis. I know you have experienced a lot of pain during your life. As long as you’re around me, I’ll never let anything bad happen to you. I swear to you on my life. I will protect you and keep you safe to the best of my ability.” Lio’s words are comforting and thoughtful, but it’s not my life I’m worried about. It’s his.
I turn around to face him with a tender smile, and we are locked eye to eye. This man, this beautiful man, is trying to accept me even though I don’t deserve acceptance nor love from anyone. My heart softens, soars, and aches all at the same time. I cannot break his gaze. Not now, not ever.
Without hesitation, Lio’s mouth comes down onto mine, and his soft full lips surround my own. As Lio’s lips part, my tongue hungrily dances with his. Swiftly as a flood, a raging desire takes over as I wrap my arms around his neck, and all anxious thoughts are washed away completely.
Lio’s hand moves down to the small of my back, pressing me against him firmly. His pants grow tighter, pressing against my pelvis, and I meld my body into his, wanting more, needing more. Finally, Lio comes up for air, breaking the transfusion taking place, his eyes glazed over with lust.
“Wow,” he says, his eyes twinkle with anticipation and excitement. “As much as I love that and can’t wait for more, I don’t want all this food you cooked to get cold again.”
Speechless and breathless, my body aches for more, while my heart weeps with joy. I gently kiss him on his cheek.
“Bon Appétit,” I say, flourishing my arm over the gargantuan meal I prepared.
“I didn’t come empty-handed.” He walks over to the bag he brought and brings out a bottle of red wine. “Straight from Manos Winery.”
The Cabernet Sauvignon wonderfully complements the roast, and after the Cab, a bottle of Pinot Noir is uncorked. And just as the wine doesn’t stop flowing, neither does the conversation between us. As Lio recalls stories from his childhood, like the time his first-generation Greek mother dressed him up as a witch for Halloween when he was three, complete with a dress, lipstick, and wig. When he shows me the picture on his phone, I never laughed so hard. He tells me about his first kiss when he was only in fifth grade. It was with a girl named Iselle who made a bet with her friends about kissing him. His eyes light up brightly when he recalls the time when he and Alex snuck out of Aunt Lilia’s house in the middle of the night to toilet paper a rude neighbor’s home.
Part of me wishes I have equally funny and endearing stories to tell him about my childhood, but many of my memories are infested with tragedy and violence, so I mainly listen to his stories. But I do tell him a couple of my happy memories, all taking place before my phasings started. Like when my parents took me snorkeling in Hawaii and when my mom and I would bake cupcakes for my school’s bake sale. They are simple but sacred memories, and I hold them fondly and gently near my heart.
“How was your trip to Greece, by the way?”
“It was fine. Tiring. In fact, I don’t even know how I’m functioning right now, I barely slept on the plane because I was so excited to come home early to see you,” he says as he caresses my hand on the table.
“Did your meetings go well? Which part of Greece were you in?”
“Well enough. Work is work, you know. It’s stressful, and sometimes I question whether I can do it forever. M.M.S. is both a blessing and a curse.” Lio runs a hand through his hair, letting out a deep breath. “I was in Athens for a day, then on the island of Rhodes.” I nod in agreement, but so much of what he does is still a mystery. It seems like he doesn’t want to talk about it now though, so I drop the subject.
After we finish eating, I decide to open up a little more about myself. More of the truth can’t hurt, right? I’m not sure if it is the four glasses of wine or being around Lio’s warmth, but I decide it’s now or never.
“Lio,” I start off with flattery, “you are so amazing.”
“And you are incredible,” he says as he kisses the inside of my wrist. My entire body tingles at the touch of his lips.
“And because you’re so amazing, and I care about you, I have to tell you something. Something real that you have to trust me on.”
“Okay.” He straightens up to look at me intently.
“I . .
. told you before that I have never had a boyfriend before. And in fact . . . I’ve never even dated anyone before,” I whisper, heat creeping up my neck.
“I already told you that doesn’t bother me. That makes me feel all the more special to be the one you choose.” He looks into my eyes sincerely. It’s quite endearing.
“And it’s because I’m not what I seem to be. I’m different,” I continue.
“Anyone with eyes can see that you’re different. I’ve never met anyone like you. I can’t explain it,” he says as he kisses the inside of my forearm, up to the crease of my arm. With that, I lose all my train of thought as I collide into a wall of lust.
Holding onto the last thread of control, I mutter, “This is all new to me, and I don’t know what’s going to happen . . .” I caress my thumb on his warm hands. “I worry about hurting you, Lio. I worry that I won’t be able to be in this . . . relationship of ours because of who I am.” I stare into his eyes.
I take a last breath of air before Lio’s lips land on mine again. After what seems like an eternity of locking lips, Lio pulls away and searches my face. His is utterly serious, and his blue eyes are startling clear.
“Lunis, I understand you are scared, and it feels like you are jumping off of a cliff into the vast, unknown sea,” he says as he folds me into his lap and holds me against his chest. I can hear his heart beating, not too fast, or slow, but steadily. “Will you believe me if I said you are the first woman I’ve felt this way about?”
“No, how can you have never been with another woman?” I ask, rolling my eyes.
“Oh, I’ve been with women and enough of them. But I have never felt the way I feel about you, Lunis. Trust me, my love life hasn’t been all that spectacular either, and that’s why you mean so much to me. I barely know you, but I can tell there is something that is different about us. It’s as if . . .” His voice trails off as he gently brushes my cheek with the back of his fingers. “I can’t quite put it into words. It’s as if you’re made for me, Lunis. I want to jump off that cliff into the vast unknown with you, hand in hand, and no one else.” And with that, he stands up. “Come on, let’s clean up.”
Lio does the dishes while I pack away the leftovers, then we end up on the sofa and watch TV while indulging in the chocolate soufflés, like a normal couple would. Even this mundane task feels so special with Lio.
I dozed off at some point because I realize I am being lifted off of the sofa and carried into my bedroom. Shepard’s claws are click-clacking against the wooden floors, following us. After Lio lays me carefully on the bed, I feint slumber out of nervousness and curiosity. Lio is shuffling around like he’s looking for something, and I dare the smallest peek through a slit in my eyes to see him find my pajamas in the dim room. He comes to the bed and whispers in my ears, “I’m going to change you out of your dress, okay, baby?” I nod, acting sleepy, but in fact, my heart is wildly thudding like it is going to jump out of my chest. Be still my beating heart!
Tenderly, Lio lifts my dress, at first to my upper thighs, then below my underwear, then up to my waist. Mother of the gods. A shiver passes across my body. He lifts my back and pulls the cashmere dress up above my head and lastly, off of my arms. It is the most sensual, careful peeling of clothes I have ever experienced. I am so glad I’m closing my eyes because I’m certain that I am bright red. I hear Lio take a sharp intake of breath.
“You are beautiful. Your skin looks edible,” he marvels. His hand grazes my stomach, sending a shiver down my spine. “You look like you’re made of wax, completely flawless.” Now, I know this isn’t true, and I worry that he may see some of the scars on my back and arms, but I still revel in his praise.
Lio moves to the foot of my bed, stroking my feet and toes, then making his way up my legs, caressing and kissing my knees, heading toward my thighs. Once he reaches my inner thighs, I hold my breath. I want so badly to be touched, in every single place, in every single way. My body is begging for more, and I have to pin my arms and legs down from wrapping myself around Lio. His breath is like fire on me, and finally, his tongue is caressing my thigh as he kisses his way up toward my leg. Holy shit. I think I might explode.
Lio continues to lick his way up my thigh until I can feel his breath there on my lace thong. I shut my eyes even tighter; I can’t bear it. My face is burning with embarrassment and shyness. Instead of touching me just yet, he takes a deep breath.
“Who knew a woman could smell so intoxicating? I could get high just smelling you.”
“You’re really embarrassing me.” I giggle nervously.
“I’m not trying to embarrass you; I’m simply stating the truth.” He continues his journey upwards to my dismay.
He lingers near my abdomen, and by then, my breasts are begging for attention. Lio’s finger pulls my bra aside and tenderly cups my breasts, at which my entire body shivers. It is an almost unbearable pleasure, and I want more. Without warning, his mouth is on my nipple, sucking away, and I moan slips out of my throat. Lio moves his way up, and we are face to face. He gazes longingly into my eyes. It feels like two unwhole pieces have finally been paired, and we cannot break the connection. Even if the world were ending, I wouldn’t look away.
“I know I should leave, but I would like your permission to stay and explore your body just a little longer, if that’s okay with you, baby.”
“Yes,” I whisper. Without a moment’s hesitation, Lio’s lips come down on me, kissing me like his life depends on it. His tongue is playing a tantalizing game with mine. He growls as he breaks away to move to my neck, sucking and kissing my neck in a way that makes me beg for him. I want this man—more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life.
Lio moves back down between my legs, and I close my eyes again. He uses his fingers dexterously to caress the now soaked region, then pulls down my underwear. Oh, my fucking gods.
“I know you’ve never done this, Lunis. I want you to relax and give yourself to me. I want you to feel something you’ve never felt with anyone else. I want to be the one that pleasures you in a way that you’ve never felt before. Can you do that for me?” I nod in response, unable to find my voice.
Lio’s fingers find the sensitive nub and circles around it until the world starts to spin along as well. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t been with any men, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had plenty of fun by myself. But this. This is something else. A purr rumbles in my throat.
“You are so wet. I can’t believe you are this wet. Holy fuck, Lunis, you are so hot.” His tongue replaces his fingers, and suddenly he is swirling his tongue around the sweet spot in ways that I have never, ever felt before. His tongue moves as his lips suck expertly, again and again, and my hips grind up and down, wanting more. His fingers join in on the action, and slowly finds their way to the soaked folds.
“Now, this may feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but just relax,” he says in a gravelly voice. I can’t imagine anything being uncomfortable at this point.
Lio’s tongue continues to lick me as his finger pushes into the wet entrance. It feels tight, but just right, like it was meant to be there. Slowly but surely, Lio moves his finger in and out, caressing the top in perfect synchronization with his tongue. I feel a pressure and aching building up inside me.
“Lio. Fuck!”
“Hold on, baby,” Lio breathes onto me. With that, Lio changes the pace of his tongue and his fingers, begging my body to surrender, and it responds. I scream as a wave of pleasure pushes me over the edge. Threading my fingers through Lio’s hair, I beg him not to stop. And he doesn’t. Stars are bursting, the night air is howling, and the moon is singing. A single tear slips from my right eye. It goes on for what feels like an eternity, but it’s not long enough.
My breathing is frantic, and it sounds like I just ran a marathon, and other than my ragged breaths, the room is silent again. I finally have the wherewithal to open my eyes and take a peek around the room. The moonlight is spilling across the bed, and Lio
sitting at the edge, with a soft smile as he gazes into my eyes.
“You are one amazing human being. I could do this all night, even if it’s torture for me, but I should leave. I have some business to tend to tomorrow, so I won’t be able to see you.” He starts to put my pajamas on. I want to ask him to stay, but I know, as I’m sure he does as well, the inevitable nature of how this night will end if he stays any longer.
“I’ll lock the door on my way out. Goodnight, doll, I’ll be dreaming of you.” He adjusts his bulging pants before tucking the blanket around my body. After giving me one final lingering kiss, he pets Shepard’s head and walks out of my room. A few moments later, the front door opens and shuts.
The room immediately feels empty without Lio, and I want to run out and tell him to stay. But I know better than to do that. Despite the ever-present voice filled with doubt and warning, I’m starting to believe this thing between Lio and I can actually work. Maybe we can figure it out. I can eventually tell him the truth, right? Will he accept me for who I am? Can I protect him from myself?
I try to fall asleep, but sleep floats around like a butterfly, whenever it lands softly, millions of questions about the future chase it away. I toss and turn in my bed for several hours. I finally call Shepard onto my bed and curl up against his warm body before dozing off into Slumberland.
33
That night, I am visited by another strikingly realistic dream. I walk through a dark forest barefoot, and twigs and leaves crunch beneath me. In the liquid dark sky speckled with thousands of stars, the pale crescent moon teases and beckons me to follow. A layer of sweat glistens on my skin, and my mind is tense with anxiety, though I try to remain composed by reciting a mantra—I am who I am, and I accept it.