by Amy Lillard
Gracie supposed that was possible and about as logical as any of her other theories.
But truly, all her rambling thoughts were nothing more than means to keep her mind off the fact that she had heard Matthew go to bed nearly half an hour ago, if she was gauging her time right. Half an hour? Forever? What did it matter when she was in this room and he in another? She looked toward where she knew the door to be. There were no hall lights coming on to indicate that he was headed her way.
She hadn’t known what to expect on her wedding night, but it certainly wasn’t this!
But . . . if she were really being honest with herself, he had warned her. Only here in the cover of darkness did she see his words and actions for what they were.
He had told her that she needed to be close to the baby, so he had stuffed her in here. He had told her that he wanted to get married as soon as possible, while his baby was screaming her head off, inconsolable. He had told her that she didn’t have to open the shop this year. Well, she didn’t really know what that was about. But there it was. He had told her a lot of things. She had only heard what she wanted to hear.
Her heart sank in her chest and gave a heavy thud. What had she gotten herself into? She was never going to be able to have a family of her own if she and Matthew had separate rooms.
The thought sent heat flooding into her face and she buried it in her pillow. Like there was anyone around to witness her embarrassment.
Just because they had separate rooms now didn’t mean that they would always have separate rooms. Maybe this was just for a time. A trial. Sort of. They got married quickly and out of necessity for him. Perhaps he was just giving her time to adjust. Or himself. After all, he’d only lost his wife a few months ago. Less than four.
Perhaps he wanted the space so he himself could have time to adjust. Their marriage had broken his year of mourning. Maybe he was waiting for that to pass before starting anew.
Now that sounded logical enough. Though it seemed that where Matthew Byler was concerned, logic wasn’t always involved.
And truly, unless he came to her and explained, there was only one way for her to know the truth, and that was to ask him. Something she didn’t think she could work up the courage to do.
* * *
The next few days proved to be the most fulfilling and the most trying that Gracie had experienced in a long while.
She knew Matthew had fields to plant and budding crops to tend to, but she couldn’t help the feeling that he was avoiding her. She was usually up before him, having been summoned to the crib by Gimme Grace. At least that’s what she had nicknamed the baby in her head. It seemed the more she did for the infant, the more she required. Gracie spent the morning before the sun came up soothing her back to sleep, only to spend the next two hours getting breakfast cooked and children ready for the day. After that, there should have been a little time to rest, but as if on notice that Gracie was about to have five minutes to herself, Baby Grace would cry, awake and needing something else. Each day was different—some combination of food, a dry diaper, a clean dress—and sometimes all three.
After the baby was taken care of and soothed, Gracie would load her into the sling carrier that she had found that first day and head outside to work in the garden plot or in the yard, but usually she was just in time to run some type of interference between the boys—most often Henry versus the twins.
By then it was time to start getting something ready to eat for dinner. Most days, Matthew didn’t come in from the field, and it was just her, Baby Grace, and the boys. Clean that up, try to get the baby down for a nap, and then pick up everything the boys had strewn about while she had been trying to get the baby to sleep. About that time Stephen would come in, wanting a snack before chores. The other boys, not to be outdone, wanted one as well. Inevitably, someone would allow the screen door to slam shut behind them—despite all her warnings to close it easy. The baby would wake up screaming at having been disturbed, the boys would head outside, and it was time to cook supper. Sometimes it would be close to dark before Matthew would finally come in. By then, the kids were all fed, washed, and ready for bed, the chores were done, the house picked up, the baby asleep—finally—and his supper waiting for him on the stove. He didn’t seem to want any company, so she would wander off to her room to read quietly as she listened to him shuffle around, getting ready for bed. Then she would turn off the light and then the whole thing would start all over again the next day.
The highlight of her day was putting the boys to bed. Ever since that first night when only Benjamin asked for a tuck-in, Thomas, after witnessing the fun, decided that he needed one as well, and then Henry and Stephen had decided that maybe they weren’t too big for the activity after all. But since it had become an every night occurrence, she had to come up with new ways to make them laugh. So far, every one of her efforts had been successful.
At least something was going right. She supposed it was all peachy for Matthew. He had managed to get everything he wanted. Someone to take care of his children, clean his house, and cook his meals.
But she supposed she couldn’t complain. She had gotten what she wanted . . . sort of. She had gotten a family. Just not in the way she had imagined. What was it Mammi Glick was always saying? Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
Next time she’d be a little more specific when she said her prayers.
But today was Tuesday, cousins’ day, and a bright interruption to what was starting out to be a monotonous week.
After Stephen left for school, Gracie loaded the baby, Henry, the twins, and Pepper into the buggy and headed off.
The boys chatted all the way over to Eunice and Abner’s about how they were going to play with Michael and Caleb, Jim and Anna’s twins.
“Sorry,” she told them. “Only Samuel and Joshua will be home. The twins will be at school.”
“Aww,” they chorused.
Henry kicked the back of the seat in front of him. Baby Grace frowned.
“Don’t kick, Henry. You’ll disturb the baby.”
“Jah, Gracie.”
She wished Matthew had made good his threat to install dash mirrors in the buggy so he could see what the kids were doing behind them. Instead she tossed a smile over her shoulder. “If you’re lucky, we might be able to talk Joshua into taking you to the pond fishing. Pepper will like that too, jah?”
Despite the many signs they had posted, no one had come by to claim the dog. Gracie had even added the phone number to Leah’s store as a contact, but no leads. Secretly Gracie was glad. Jah, the dog gave her one more thing to care for, but she enjoyed the pooch. At Matthew’s house, Pepper was the one thing that belonged to her. Sort of.
“I can go by myself,” Henry boasted.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Gracie said. In fact, it was a terrible idea. Had they been her children, she might have let them all go down to the pond together, but they weren’t her birth children. She was as good as the babysitter these days, and the babysitter shouldn’t take chances like that with her charges.
“I wanna go fishing,” Thomas said, his voice taking on a whiney edge.
The boys had been working hard with her the last few days, sweeping out the shed, hoeing the rows back into the vegetable garden, hanging laundry, and mopping floors. She supposed they were due for a little fun time. Cousins’ day might be put on hold for a couple of hours if Joshua wasn’t around. Or perhaps they could move the entire operation down to the pond so they could work and watch the kids fish. Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.
“I was beginning to get worried,” Leah called as Gracie pulled the buggy to a stop under the large tree to one side of the barn.
“Baby Grace was not ready to go,” Gracie said, with a smile. Grace had been ready, but then she spit up all over her dress and Gracie’s. One stain might have been tolerable if Gracie could have wiped it clean with a wet rag, but the spot was roughly the size of a Christmas ham. There would be
no spot cleaning today.
Leah and Hannah chuckled, as Gracie had hoped, and the moment gave her time to unload the kids from the buggy.
“Are we going fishing?” Henry asked as soon as his feet hit the ground.
“Let me see if Joshua is there, okay?”
“I can watch them,” he said importantly.
“I know you can,” Gracie replied, helping the twins down. “But I would feel better if Joshua went with you.”
“But—” he started to protest again.
“Henry,” she cut in, effectively stopping his words. “Let me see if Joshua is here first.”
“Jah, Gracie.”
She must have raised her voice louder than she had intended.
“Joshua’s gone with Dat to deliver a shed,” Hannah said with an apologetic grimace.
Gracie turned back to Henry. He stood next to her, his chin lifted at a stubborn angle. “How about we go inside and see if Eunice has any cake, hmm?”
He seemed to think about it a minute, his little-boy stomach warring with his desire to be in charge for once. “And if there’s no cake?”
“We’ll figure that out then.”
Reluctance slowed his response. “Jah, okay.”
“Who knows?” she said as she got the baby from the buggy and slung the fabric snuggie carrier across one shoulder. “She might have pie instead.”
“Or too.” He grinned, then took off toward the house.
Gracie sighed and watched him go. Crisis averted.
“How’s it going, cuz?” Hannah asked.
Gracie made her way across the yard where her cousins had already set up their worktables. She was so happy to see them. She had missed them so. But something in her expression had Hannah and Leah watching her carefully.
“What?” Gracie stopped, set the baby carrier down, and started wrapping the carrier around her. With any luck she would feed the baby and Grace would go to sleep, nestled into the soft carrier.
Hannah and Leah exchanged a look. That was one thing about the two of them that sometimes rubbed Gracie wrong. They could communicate without speaking. Never mind that they had spent so many years apart when they left to go to the Englisch world. They had a connection that couldn’t be broken. Normally this telepathy—at least that’s what Gracie thought it was called—didn’t bother her, but today . . .
Gracie propped one hand on her hip and looked from one to the other of them. “What?”
“You look . . .” Leah started, but trailed off and looked back at her sister.
“Tired,” Hannah picked up. “Are you sure you’re up for today?”
“Jah,” she said, nodding her head with more force than necessary. She had been looking forward to today since Thursday night. Never mind that it had been her wedding day. She had anticipated getting together with her cousins since then. Tired or not, she was having cousins’ day.
Another look passed between Hannah and Leah, but Gracie didn’t have time to respond to it. Henry came barreling out of the front door, the screen slamming behind him. At the noise, the baby jumped and started to wail.
“Eunice said I have to eat dinner before I can have cake or pie.” His tone told her exactly how he felt about that.
“If Eunice said . . .” Gracie trailed off, hating the resigned note she heard in her voice. If she looked as tired as she sounded, no wonder her cousins were concerned.
“How is that fair?” Henry asked. “Joshua’s not here, Eunice won’t let me have cake or pie, and you won’t let me go fishing.” He was gearing up for a full-on tantrum.
“It’s not fair,” Gracie said, unhooking the baby from the carrier seat. The baby’s face had turned red and her legs kicked as if she were warding off anyone who got near. “But sometimes that’s just the way it is.” She could barely hear her own voice over the baby’s crying. “And we have to accept that. Now I suggest you bring down your tone before you lose dessert even after you’ve eaten.”
His eyes widened, but he didn’t protest. Maybe he knew he was pushing her past her breaking point. Or maybe he was saving this argument for later. Who knew? He looked around at the three women standing there, then headed back inside. “Baby’s crying,” he threw over one shoulder, like no one was able to hear her but him. The door slammed behind him, and Baby Grace’s wails intensified.
Maybe it was the day, the fact that she was so tired, or that her cousins were there close to her, but Gracie felt tears prick at the back of her eyes.
“Gracie?” Leah asked cautiously.
Gracie blinked furiously to keep those tears from falling. She was not admitting defeat. There was nothing to be defeated from. It was not a game. This was her life, and it was exactly what she wanted.
She bounced Baby Grace to soothe her cries and forced a smile to her lips. “Jah?”
“Are you okay?” Hannah asked.
Gracie blew out a quick breath. “Of course.” She hoped like everything her tone conveyed her intent. What could possibly be wrong? She shifted the baby and patted her on the back. Now if she could stop her own tears as easily.
Leah and Hannah exchanged another one of their looks, then Leah pulled her cellphone from the pocket of her skirt and hit a couple of buttons. That must have been enough to make a call. She put it away and nodded. “Brandon’s on his way. He’ll take the boys, and you give me the baby.”
Gracie looked at her in horror. How could she? Baby Grace was her responsibility. She couldn’t just hand her over to her cousin and allow Leah to take care of her.
“I’m going to take her inside and Mammi’s going to watch her. The baby loves Mammi and Mammi will love watching her. Then you can have a break.”
Gracie stiffened. The idea sounded like heaven, but at the same time seemed impossible. This was what she wanted: a family. And after all the families she had helped over the years, she was accustomed to being the one in control. The one with the answers, the solution. Now she felt as frayed as a sawed-off rope. She had had such confidence in her abilities and now . . . now she felt like a failure.
“You are not a failure,” Hannah said. “So quit thinking that you are.”
“How do you know what I’m thinking?” Gracie asked. She didn’t want to be belligerent, but she wasn’t ready to admit defeat. Er, relinquish control.
“Seriously?” Hannah shot her a look.
Right. They had grown up together. They knew each other almost as well as they knew themselves.
“Gimme.” Leah reached out and wagged her fingers at the baby.
Reluctantly, Gracie handed her over.
She watched as Leah cooed at Baby Grace, who looked up at her in wonder. Tears still wet her chubby cheeks, but at least she wasn’t crying.
“She’ll be fine,” Hannah said.
Gracie took a shuddering breath. “I know, it’s just . . .”
“Just what?” Hannah asked gently.
“Not easy,” Gracie finally said.
Hannah nodded. “It’s something else entirely having to care for them on your own instead of just helping out.”
Boy, was that the truth!
“And I just had one.” Hannah chuckled as if remembering.
“I—” How could she explain? She had married Matthew to get the family she wanted and had ended up with the family he had. She had no idea if or when things would change for them. Plus, walking into a family with five children all still grieving for their mamm was harder than she ever imagined.
“She just cries all the time,” Gracie admitted. “I can usually get her calmed down, but it’s the smallest things that set her off. And it takes forever to stop her tears.” Her own tears rose in her eyes once again. “It makes me think she’s in mourning. She misses her mother.” Gracie wiped the tears from her cheeks. “How do you tell such a tiny person that you’re sorry, you understand, and you want to make everything better for them?”
Hannah shook her head. “You don’t. You just be there for her. Care for her. For all of them. It’ll
take time, but they will come to know that you aren’t going anywhere, and they can trust you to be their mamm.”
And that’s what she wanted more than anything. Well, almost. More than anything she wanted a baby of her own, but she supposed it was better now to get Baby Grace through these bumps in her path before they introduced another into the mix. And maybe by then, Gracie might have figured out how to talk to Matthew about their separate rooms.
* * *
Cousins’ day was just what she needed.
Brandon showed up about fifteen minutes after Leah took Baby Grace into the house to sit with Mammi. He took the boys—who had pieces of cake in paper bowls—to the pond to fish. Gracie shuddered, imagining them digging up worms while eating their cake, but she wasn’t going to hover. With any luck they would at least wipe their hands on their trouser legs after baiting their hooks, but she knew the chances of that might be slim. Still, a girl could hope.
With Baby Grace with Mammi and the boys with Brandon, Gracie felt as if a great weight had been taken from her. Suddenly she could breathe a little easier, her steps felt lighter, and her mood lifted.
She hadn’t realized the heaviness of her responsibilities until they were removed.
To say Matthew hadn’t been a help over the last week was an understatement. But she didn’t want to complain. Perhaps if she could see that her own dreams would be fulfilled, she might not be quite as resentful of his actions.
There. She admitted it. She resented him. She was tired, worn down, and frustrated. And he was . . . doing whatever he pleased. In Henry’s words, What’s fair about that?
And she had taken today to come over and visit with her cousins and to make products to sell in the shop. The kids were entertained, and she might be able to relax for the first time all week, and she was mixing lotions. Still working.
“Uh-oh,” Leah muttered.
Gracie looked at her cousin. “What?”
“Yep,” Hannah agreed.
“What?” she asked again, this time a little more impatiently.
“You’ve got that look.”
Gracie braced her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes. “What look?”