How long had it been since I experienced a real orgasm? Not counting the half-assed, midnight releases, it had been way too fucking long.
Sure, I was male and could still get it up, but the desire was lacking more often than not. Though, how could I be surprised when I was reminded of my trauma everywhere I went.
Boyt stalked my waking hours as much he scuttled through my dreams. He was everywhere. His eyes followed me at school, and I glimpsed his dark hair in every stranger I passed on the street. I swore, his musk permeated every corner of the damned library.
With the play finished, I’d resumed my normal schedule at work: Tuesday through Thursday after school and Saturday mornings. I was glad for the distraction, but I lost count of how many times I spotted Boyt slipping through the stacks or smelled his cologne. It was all in my head, I knew this, but it didn’t make it easier.
I was haunted.
Shoving into my bathroom, I flipped the shower on as I stripped out of my sweaty clothes. At this rate, I’d be late to work, but I didn’t give a shit. I was sick of the nightmares and the fear and the panic attacks. I was tired of being weak.
I wasn’t a victim, goddammit!
The warm water washed over me, cleansing the nightmares from my skin. When the trembling cracks in my control finally stilled, I allowed my thoughts to drift to Ben. That damn blond, California diver. He haunted me, too, but I didn’t mind his ghost.
His dimple teased me late at night as I imagined the lingering scent of his spring soap on my sheets. It was utterly pathetic, but I long since came to terms with my pitiful lack of self-control in regard to Ben-related matters.
With the heat of the shower and memories of Ben’s fingers gliding over my skin, my blood simmered. The intensity of his blue eyes tormented me, and my breath escaped my lungs choppy and labored.
I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t jack off to the boy who, against all odds, became my best friend. I really shouldn’t. But I’d never been known for my self-control.
My hand followed the path of water trickling down my chest. My fingertips grazed my sodden happy trail, crawling ever downward. No sooner had I tempted the sensitive tip of my cock than cold apprehension snaked down my spine in stark contrast to the heat of the shower and the fire of my arousal.
Gritting my teeth, I forced my hand to capture my erection as I fought the irrational fear telling me it wasn’t my hand. It was my hand, not Boyt’s, and for fuck’s sake, I could do this! I had to do this.
But I couldn’t. I’d barely jerked once when my knees shook and hysteria swelled my throat shut. I collapsed to the shower floor, fighting tears.
Boyt’s breath puffed onto the back of my neck as his hand groped me painfully. “Just once, and I won’t want you anymore.”
The spray of the shower rained over me, washing away my tears until I could pretend they were nothing more than water. They swirled down the drain, the evidence disappearing within moments.
No one would ever know. They would be my shameful secret.
Two
Work was boring as I sat at the front desk to check out people’s library books. For obvious reasons, I never worked the customer service spots. But today, Shelly, a single mother of three, called in sick, and I took her spot at the check-out. I hated my life, but it was only four hours.
At one o’clock, I kissed work goodbye and raced to my truck. My bag of extra clothing sat on the bench seat of my secondhand Ford Ranger. I blasted the heat as I gunned the engine.
Poor Mabel groaned under the stress I put on her cold engine, but I patted her dash consolingly. “You’ve got this, Mabel.”
She responded with a shudder as her gears ground. She always got stuck in second gear during the winter.
I rattled the gear stick to loosen her up. “Let’s go, girl.”
Somehow, I made it to the park without incident. Once I parked, I typed out a text to my dad as a reminder to set a maintenance check-up. I hated the thought of Mabel’s transmission taking a dive, but I worried, at this rate, she wouldn’t last the winter.
At the beginning of December, Indiana still had several long months left of perma-cloud and snow. I didn’t like the possibility of getting stranded in a blizzard.
Standing beside the passenger side of my truck, I dug out a pair of sweatpants and pulled them over my jeans. I slipped a hoodie over my long-sleeved shirt, shrugged on my winter coat, then laced up my snow boots.
Plopping my rainbow hat on my head, I ensured my wallet and keys were safe in my jean’s pocket before shoving my duffel into my truck and shutting the door.
I shot a text to Ben and Kim, letting them know I was here. When I didn’t receive an immediate reply, I wandered toward the sound of children screaming. My memory was hazy over the exact location of the hills, but as laughter and shrieks grew in volume, I figured I was headed in the right direction.
As I came upon the top of the hill, I grimaced at the sheer amount of people. Did everyone have to choose today for sledding? Small children screamed shrilly as parents shouted at one another over the noise.
Blech!
“Silas!” I turned my head in time to catch a blur of white before pain exploded behind my eye as a snowball smashed into my face.
“Fuck!” I yelped in an unattractive falsetto as I landed in a heap on my ass.
Several cries of alarm rang through the air. Stamping feet surrounded me, voices of concern and humor filtering through my brain. My vision dotted with black spots.
Was I going to pass out? That would be embarrassing.
“Si? Shit, I’m sorry.” Ben choked the words out between remorseful snickers as cold fingers swiped the snow from my face. I blinked through blurred vision until his blue eyes came into focus. “You with me? How many fingers am I holding up?”
I scowled as several bodies behind Ben chuckled. “Fuck you, Benji!”
“Yeah, he’s fine.” Kim shifted her weight behind Ben’s crouched form, and I flipped her off as she tucked a frizzy curl behind her ear. Her floppy, knitted hat barely tamed her poofy hair. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold, and her brown eyes sparkled.
Jordan stood beside her, his hipster glasses smeared with melted snow as his beanie slipped off his dark hair. His bright yellow parka hurt my eyes, and I turned away to save my retinas.
Caroline and Harris finished out the semicircle, Harris’s brown hair damp and sticking up in different directions as Caroline’s dirty-blonde locks flowed over her shoulders under her hat. Her pale blue eyes narrowed in concern before her lips pinched in irritation.
“You could have blinded him,” she chided, crossing her arms in front of her bulky coat.
“It was Kim’s idea!” Ben pointed to my ginger friend, his fuzzy hat tickling his pink cheeks.
“Yeah, but you actually did it! I didn’t tell you to aim for his eyeball.”
With a growl, I pinned Ben with glare, and he smiled sheepishly. “Oops.”
I lunged forward, tackling him to the snowy ground. He fell with a screech as my friends staggered back. We rolled around in the snow as I did my best to stuff his coat with packed ice. He laughed as he fought me off.
“Fucking take it!” I dumped a handful of the cold powder down the front of his coat.
Using his weight to flip us over, he pinned me to the ground, then straddled my waist and smooshed slush over my face. “You take it!”
“Shouldn’t you be having this argument in the bedroom?” Jordan groused from somewhere behind me.
“Shut up, Jordan!” we shouted simultaneously.
Ben’s head cocked to the side with a lopsided grin. “Jinx.”
I scoffed as I struggled to upset his balance to no avail. “Ugh, you’re such a dork. Get your fat ass off me.”
“You’re so mean.” He pouted as he dismounted. I stuck my tongue out and tossed snow at his face. “Oh, gross! You got it in my mouth!”
Chuckling darkly, I rose to my feet and brushed off my coat. “Come on, Ben. Be a man a
nd swallow.”
“Holy hell! Now you’re just quoting a porno.” Jordan threw his hands in the air as everyone laughed, and Ben’s blush traveled down his neck until he resembled a cherry tomato.
Where was a sharp stick when I needed to poke my eyes out?
I offered Ben a hand and helped him to his feet when he accepted it bitterly. “Must you always be so crude?”
Instead of answering, I waggled my eyebrows and leered. He chuckled.
“We were just gonna get some lunch.” Kim nudged my elbow and pointed to a small food stand near the gazebo.
“I could eat.”
Ben fell into step beside me, looking adorable in his fluffy hat and slush-covered jeans. His apple-red cheeks and bright eyes made him appear younger than his eighteen years. Or maybe it was the childlike happiness bouncing in each step as we made our way to the line of people already waiting to be served.
“Are you okay?” Regret dimmed the excitement in his eyes. “I really didn’t mean to hit you in the face.”
“Sure, sure. You almost maimed me, but whatever.” He rolled his eyes at my exaggeration, and I knocked his shoulder with mine. “It’s cool. Don’t worry about it.”
Pulling me to a stop, Ben cupped my chin with his cold fingers and angled my head to investigate the tender skin of my cheekbone. “It’s all red. Silas, I’m so sorry—”
“Hey, stop.” I grabbed his wrist, forcing him to look at me even as he cringed away in self-loathing. “It was an accident, and it’s not like you punched me in the face. I’m fine.” I tugged him in the direction of our chattering friends as they got in line. “Now, hurry up. I’m starving.”
With a halfhearted tease, Ben poked my arm. “I highly doubt that.”
“Calling me fat?”
“Why would I call you fat? You’re skinnier than me.”
“Damn straight.” I made a point of sliding my gaze over his delectable self. “With that fat ass, I’m surprised you can even make it off the diving board.”
His jaw dropped at the insult. “Wow, you really know how to sweet-talk a guy.”
“Puh-lease! Like I’d ever waste my time with you.” I turned away from his adorable pout, smiling grandly at the cute boy inside the small food stand. “Chili-cheese dog and a hot chocolate.”
Warmth from the heater inside the tiny shack poured through the window as the dark-skinned boy wrote down my order. He was probably a year or two my junior, but he was nice on the eyes. Too bad he was—judging from the way he stole glances at Caroline as she waited for her coffee—straight.
“Words hurt, you know?” Ben crossed his arms over his chest.
“Truth ain’t always pretty,” I sang as I handed the kid a twenty, pointing my thumb at Ben. “I’m paying for Roley-Poley over here, too.”
“You’re an ass,” Ben snapped but placed his order anyway, stealing my change when Cute-But-Straight handed it through the window.
Picking up our cheap, unhealthy food from the next window, I nodded toward his pocket expectantly. “I want my money back.”
“You’re a prick. I’m keeping it.”
I snorted into my hot chocolate as we wound our way through the full tables of the gazebo. “Aw, did Pudgy run out of milkshake money already?”
Ben’s foot met my ass as I scurried away, both of us laughing as I failed to dodge his kick. “I’m not fat, you asshole.”
Pausing a few feet from the empty seat beside Kim, I leveled him with an impatient stare. “Ben, if you believe for one second that I actually think you’re fat, then you’re a dumbass.” I gave him one more lecherous once-over. “You’re actually pretty hot. You know, for a nerd.”
As Ben gaped in shock at my forward flirting, I winked, then lowered myself gracefully into the chair. Well, it would have been graceful if my foot hadn’t caught on said chair’s leg. As it was, I spilled half of my hot chocolate on the table as I crashed into the seat.
“Motherfucker!” I barked, ducking my head as numerous mothers glared at me while covering their young children’s ears. “Um, I mean, Mother Hubbard.”
Kim sent me an exasperated look, and I smothered my laugh with a cough. After mopping up the spilled drink, I dug into my chili-cheese dog with zeal. I avoided Ben’s heavy gaze as he sat down—more gracefully than I had, I should admit—across from me.
Once everyone was fed and watered, we headed back to the hills. Ben had to be freezing in his damp clothing, but he didn’t complain as he dragged a two-person sled after him, smiling like a kid in a candy store. His dimple accented his pink cheeks, and several loose curls escaped the confines of his hat to tickle his forehead.
It was a rather boyish look, and he caught me staring more times than I wanted to admit as we climbed to the top of the hill. Kim and Caroline sat on the wooden toboggan as Harris gave them a running start, hopping on the back at the last minute. Jordan took the circular one-person sled, and Ben lined up the plastic two-seater before gesturing for me to sit.
The sled was old and rickety. I imagined the plastic cracking and impaling my ass when we hit a bump. But Ben was excited, his smile wide and unhindered as he waited for me, expectant. How could I refuse him?
I climbed in with a silent prayer for protection, and Ben gave the death trap a shove before leaping in behind me. His legs landed on either side of mine, and I startled as his arms slid around my waist from behind. Holding me tightly, he laughed as we soared down the hill, the biting wind stinging my cheeks.
Faster and faster, we gathered speed, plummeting toward the bottom. He grasped me tighter when the sled shook beneath us. When we hit a large bump, the sled spun. I shrieked and grabbed onto the only handholds I could find—Ben’s arms at my waist. We both cried out in panic as we spun in circles.
In an effort to gain control, I stuck my leg out and dug my boot into the snow.
Unfortunately, it only accomplished flipping the sled completely, and we tumbled into the snow, rolling over the frigid, packed earth. Something hard smashed into my spine. I kneed Ben somewhere soft and squishy, making him grunt in pain. I hoped it was his stomach and not his balls.
The sky above me swirled like a drain as I blinked away dizziness and caught my breath. A heavy weight pressed into my gut, and I glanced down as the pressure vibrated. Ben and I were tangled, his arm somehow stuck between my legs as his face smashed into my stomach. His shoulders shook with laughter.
Peeking out with one eye, he smiled wide, then buried his face in my stomach to muffle his guffaws. As my hand landed on his back, I burst into laughter right along with him.
“You kicked me.” His mumble was barely discernible, muffled by my coat.
I patted his back. “Sorry. You okay?”
He nodded against my navel, his cheek on my belly. He continued to lay on top of me, completely at ease with his proximity to not just me but, specifically, my crotch.
A sweet, slightly shy grin lit his face. “That was fun.”
“We almost died.”
“What’s life without a little risk?” Snickering, he lifted himself onto his hands and knees. His eyes widened at the position of his hand between my legs, inches from my groin. “Shit, I didn’t punch you anywhere important, did I?”
I sat up, my palms burning from the cold of the snow beneath me. “No, my cock’s fine. Thanks for asking.”
With a blush, he sat back on his heels and brushed the excess snow from his clothes. “I don’t want to know about your cock, Brigs.”
“You sure about that, Adams?” I wrapped my arms around my raised knees, our bodies too close for this conversation to be appropriate.
“You’re incorrigible.” Insult or not, the words escaped his beautiful mouth on a weak breath.
Wanting to erase the distance between us but too afraid of rejection, I angled my head and held eye contact. Straight guys wouldn’t stay this close to me, and they definitely wouldn’t memorize the shape of my lips like Ben was currently doing.
His wind-chilled cheeks
darkened further, his tongue moistening his bottom lip.
I inhaled sharply when his frigid fingers slid under my sweatpants-jean combo to circle my ankle.
“Silas,” he whispered my name, and I swore he leaned in, gaze locked on my parted mouth. “Si, I—”
“Oh my God, are you guys okay?” Caroline cried, breaking the charged moment, and Ben immediately pulled away as my friends ran to our accident site. “You didn’t break anything, right?”
Ben rose to his feet and tugged me to stand as we reassured my worried friends of our uninjured status. The sled was salvaged and still usable. After laughing off the incident, we climbed the hill once more, dragging our sleds behind us.
Flustered by the confusing encounter, I shoved Harris aside and joined Kim and Caroline on the toboggan. Jordan, Harris, and Ben shared the other sleds between the three of them.
Thankfully, no one brought attention to the maybe-almost kiss between Ben and me. I prayed it meant no one noticed.
Of course, Mini-Me sure noticed. I was eternally grateful for the winter air and frozen snow. Sporting wood right now was incredibly inconvenient.
Half-frozen, we called it quits as the sun began to set and gathered our belongings. We trekked through the snowbanks toward the emptying parking lot. Caroline jumped on Jordan’s back, and he hooked his arms under her legs as he hoisted her higher. Kim and Harris giggled quietly, sharing a joke I hadn’t heard. Ben walked beside me. Our arms brushed at even intervals as we carried two out of the three sleds.
“Taco Bell, anyone?” Kim asked as we shoved the last sled into the trunk of her SUV.
A chorus of agreement rang through the air, and we headed back to our respective vehicles with the plan to meet at the Taco Bell down the road. Ben followed me to my truck, snickering to himself as he tugged on the long strings of my rainbow hat.
I batted his hand away and unlocked Mabel. I shed my sopping wet coat and sweatpants as Ben leaned his hip against my truck bed. Silently, he watched me shove the damp clothes into my duffel, a nervous smile teasing his lips.
Every Hidden Truth (Far From Ruined Book 2) Page 2