My Skylar

by Penelope Ward

  My foot accidentally bumped into his leg. After I moved it back on reflex, he grabbed it and began to lightly squeeze it, bringing in the other foot as well. Deep in thought, he stared down at his hands as they massaged my feet. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation for several quiet minutes until he stopped suddenly.

  “I think I should go.” He got up and picked up his wet clothing off the floor.

  “What? Why?” I followed him to the kitchen.

  “Because I can’t do this.”

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to leave. Things just got a little out of hand.”

  “I told myself I wasn’t going to touch you until you asked me to.”

  “It was just a foot rub.”

  “It’s not the foot rub. It’s what I almost just did. It’s what I still want to do. I want to know that you’re not gonna turn me away because once I start, I’m not sure I could stop.” He gripped the kitchen counter. “God, even the thought of being inside you makes me crazy. I get instantly hard. Just envisioning it is better than the real thing ever was with any one else.” His arousal stretched through the fabric of the tight shorts. “You think sticking my dick inside another woman was ever going to help me get over you? It never has, and it never will. Does it help you, Skylar?”

  “Sticking my dick inside another woman? I’ve never tried it, but at this point, maybe I should consider it as an option three.”

  He shook his head and startled me when he walked a step forward and put his hand on my cheek. “How do you do that, always make me laugh in a moment that’s supposed to be fucking serious?” He moved his hand back. “What I meant was…does fucking him while you’re thinking about me help? Based on the way you look at me, I would venture to say no.”

  “What way is that?”

  “The same way I know I look at you, like someone who’s wanted one thing practically his entire life and can never have it.” His voice was strained. “I don’t want to die not knowing what it feels like to be inside the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

  I closed my eyes.

  What he’d said took me back to my cancer days when I’d spent many sleepless nights fearing that very same thing, that I would die before I had the chance to make love to him.

  “I wish we had made love that night in Lake George when we had the chance.”

  “Me, too. I’ve never had more than meaningless sex. I don’t even know what it feels like to make love to someone. You’re the only woman I could experience that with. In ten years, I’ve had a lot of time to imagine what it would be like.” He stared off and slowly shook his head with an indignant look. “It should have been me. I should have been your first…but I’d rather be your last.”

  “Mitch…”

  His eyes darkened as he moved closer to me, just inches from my lips and said, “He’s not giving you what you need. I can feel it.” I was dying to kiss him, my breathing completely out of control. After a few seconds, he turned around and grabbed his keys off the counter. “I think it’s time for me to go.”

  My underwear was completely soaked as I imagined him backing me against the counter and wrapping my legs around him as he pounded into me. I was throbbing between my legs. The look on his face was an expression of the same hunger I was feeling. I wanted him to touch me. I couldn’t ask him to because I knew where it would lead, and I didn’t want to cheat on Kevin, but I still needed to hear it like my life depended on it. “What would it be like?”

  He stood still, staring at the ground with his keys in his hands. “I don’t think I could be gentle.”

  My body was humming with an uncontrollable yearning. “What would you do to me?”

  “Remember what I said earlier tonight?”

  “Not to ask you a question if I don’t want the honest answer.”

  “You still want to know what I would do to you?”

  I was like someone who chooses to take drugs for the first time. You know full well the repercussions, but you say yes anyway. I nodded.

  Mitch looked down at my shorts and asked a question he likely already knew the answer to. “Are you wet right now?”

  My eyes were half-closed as I leaned my back against the counter. My voice was barely audible. “Yes.”

  “You want the honest answer? Baby, words can’t do justice to what I would do to your body. I’m not going to tell you. I want to show you…when you ask me to.” He exited the kitchen and opened the front door. He took a few steps toward his car, his feet crunching in the gravel before he turned around. “And Skylar? Restraint is the best foreplay.”

  CHAPTER 27

  MITCH

  My morning wood was worse than usual. That didn’t surprise me, considering I also woke up in the middle of the night with a wet dream. The years of celibacy were catching up to me all at once. When I got back to my hotel last night, I was like a rock star going off on a bender after five years of sobriety. I guess I was more like a cock star, since my drug of choice seemed to be jerking off repeatedly to thoughts of her.

  My plan to weaken her resistance had worked. The problem was, I wasn’t keeping up my end of the deal: no touching. Even when she had rubbed the sunscreen on my back earlier in the day, I kept my hands off of her.

  It became exceedingly more difficult not to touch her once we started playing around at the beach. Still, I hadn’t lost control until I started massaging her feet by the fire. I had gotten the sudden urge to kiss them and work my way up the rest of her body. I stopped it before my fantasy became a reality. Taking the next step was Skylar’s decision to make, not mine. My job was to make her see that I was the right decision.

  One good thing from last night: she finally admitted that she wasn’t happy with him. Normally, that would have been grounds for a celebratory dance. But she followed it up with a major downer when she said it was more important to feel safe than happy. Screw that. If she continued to let her mind win over her heart, I stood to lose everything.

  Her eyes confused me the most. They were basically commanding me to bend her over and fuck her hard. In all the years I’d known her, I’d never seen anything like it. It was proof he wasn’t giving her what she needed. She practically begged me to tell her what I’d do to her like her next breath depended on it. Dirty. Needless to say, that nearly put me over the edge, which was why I had to get the hell out of there.

  I emerged from the bathroom after my cold, morning shower. Instrumental music from the Weather Channel forecast played on the television. I dialed my mother before heading to the house for our last day of hard labor.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hi, honey. Is everything okay? You sound upset.”

  “It’s going alright. Skylar’s a confused mess. Nothing is going to get resolved on this trip.”

  “I hope you’re prepared if things don’t go your way.”

  “Look, I wasn’t calling to discuss it. I just want to talk to Henry. Is he up?”

  “Sure, I’ll put him on.”

  I could hear the noises from his iPad, so I knew he was on the phone.

  I lay back on the bed with a big smile. “Hey, buddy. It’s Daddy. I miss you.”

  He hummed in reaction to my voice. Even though he couldn’t respond to me in words, I truly believed he understood everything I was saying.

  “I’ll be home in a couple of days, okay? Be good for Grammy.”

  I could hear the computer-generated voice from the iPad. “I want to go to McDonald’s.”

  I laughed. “Daddy will take you to McDonald’s this weekend when I get back, okay? We’ll go Sunday. I promise.”

  “I want Daddy.”

  “I know. I love you, buddy. I’ll be home soon.”

  My mother came back to the phone. “He misses you. He keeps pulling up the picture of your face and pressing it.”

  “It fucking breaks my heart. I hate that he can’t tell me whether he understands that I’m coming back.”

  “Don’t worry about things here, okay? You deserve this brea
k.”

  “Thank you, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I missed my son, and I was feeling down on the drive into work. The phone call home had brought me back to reality. With only two days left, I was becoming more pessimistic that things would work out in my favor. Skylar was a good person. She wasn’t going to do this guy dirty and dump him after a few days with me even if she loved me. She’d go home, probably still unsure then get sucked in again to the perfect, safe life he built for her. This trip would be a mere memory. She’d leave me and my baggage behind and take off to California for a new start.

  When I walked into the house, Skylar was directing one of the guys as to where to hang a picture of a giant bass.

  She stopped mid-sentence, and her eyes widened when she noticed me. “Hey.”

  I waved and silently walked right past her.

  I was stewing while unloading my tools to finish off the electrical work in the upstairs bathroom. I could still smell her perfume while my head became lost in a sea of doubt. We belonged together. It just seemed so clear to me, but I couldn’t force it. If she was intent on ending up with the safer choice, the one who never caused her any pain, there was nothing I could do. Fuck history. Fuck love. Fuck fate. Fuck happiness. Fuck mind-blowing sex. Fuck it all.

  About ten minutes had passed when she appeared at the door then came in and shut it. “You forgot what I said.”

  The sound of her sweet voice alone immediately weakened my new supposed stance.

  I put down my pliers and tried not to look at her. “What?”

  “You’re pretending I don’t exist because you’re scared. It’s exactly what you used to do when we were teenagers. Remember how you would avoid me when you started to have feelings? You’re doing that right now. Back then, I told you I didn’t want to lose moments with you just because you were afraid. I made a promise, though, that I couldn’t keep. I told you that if we screwed up, no matter what, you wouldn’t lose me. I told you I would always be there, and I wasn’t. When things got worse than either of us could have imagined, I ran. I lied to you, and I’m sorry.” Her eyes started to glisten as she continued, “But we have two days left here. Again, I’m telling you I don’t want to lose one moment with you. I realize I haven’t given you any answers, but just know, I need every second of this time with you like my life depends on it.”

  Me, too. Fuck. I needed that too.

  I had no resolve. I pulled her into a hug that lasted for at least a full minute. Her hair was practically in my mouth. I was breathing into her neck while my helpless dick swelled. I knew I had to stick this out. I’d be gambling with my heart because even a small chance of winning her love and trust was impossible to pass up.

  That night, we watched old nineties movies back at the beach house and talked until all hours. There was no touching. I went back to my hotel, tossing and turning, knowing that the next night would be our last at the house on Sandbridge Beach. What really kept me up, though, was the fear that it would be our last night together period.

  ***

  Friday had finally arrived, and all of the work at the house was completed. The unveiling was set for tomorrow morning.

  Skylar spent the afternoon putting the finishing decorative touches on all of the rooms. She had picked a nautical theme with lots of blue and white, along with images of anchors, boats and the ocean. An actual oar hung on the wall. She laid throw pillows down, put out candles, silk flowers and seashells. Her skills were seriously impressive. She also managed to keep us 500-dollars under budget.

  The last thing on my agenda was surveying the site along with the building inspector, making sure everything was up to code.

  Skylar and I were able to make it back to the rental house in good time for our last night in Virginia Beach. The only other obligation we had was to show up for the big reveal tomorrow morning. Then, she would head to the airport in the early afternoon, and I would begin the long drive back to New Jersey alone.

  Skylar said she wasn’t hungry, so we had a small meal of appetizers at a local fried seafood shack. The mood was tense and somber like the cloudy weather outside tonight. Even though I felt like I knew where her heart was, I had no idea where her head was. Her expression had been stoic throughout dinner.

  When we returned to the beach house, Skylar looked like she wanted to say something the second we walked in the door. She put her purse down and chewed her lip nervously. “I want you to spend the night here in the spare room. Will you?”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  There was no way I trusted myself.

  “You paid for this house. I want you to enjoy it for at least one night. The second room overlooks the ocean, too. There’s nothing like waking up to that view and smelling the salty air. I’ve felt guilty this whole time. We’re both adults. There’s no reason why you can’t stay here for our last night.”

  “If that’s what makes you happy, I’ll stay.” I had no idea what was going to really happen tonight. My heart started to beat rapidly. I smiled. She smiled back.

  Her phone rang, interrupting our moment. She looked unsettled, and I immediately knew who it was. In the past, I walked away when she took his call. Tonight was different. I stayed looking at her the entire time she spoke to him, my heart mangled.

  She picked it up. “Hey, what’s up?”

  “Yes, everything’s still on target. We finished up today.”

  “Ugh…you know…just watching TV…relaxing.”

  Fucking around with my ex. Same thing.

  “Yup.”

  “I’ll call you when I land. I can just catch a cab.”

  “If you insist…”

  “Me, too.”

  There was a long pause.

  “You know I do.”

  Then, a longer pause. Her eyeballs were frantically moving back and forth.

  “Kevin…”

  Her breathing was rapid, and her face turned red as a beet. What was he saying to her?

  Her gaze fell on mine. “I love you,” she finally said to him.

  She immediately closed her eyes in shame and hung up the phone.

  She might as well have shot me at point blank range.

  My eyes bugged out of my head. “What the fuck was that?”

  “It wasn’t what it seemed.”

  “You…just told him…you loved him and were looking straight at me. You just said ‘I love you’ to another man while looking into my eyes as if you were saying it to me.” I yelled, “Do you know what a mind fuck that is?”

  Skylar was shaking. “He made me say it. If I hadn’t, he would have suspected something. I’m pretty sure he already knows something’s up with me.”

  Wow.

  I looked down at the floor, rubbing my chin and just knew. This was it. I’d reached the end of my rope.

  I looked deeply into her eyes because she needed to understand what I was about to say. “From the moment you came into my life all those years ago, you made me feel like I had a purpose on this Earth. Over time, I discovered what it was. It was to love you. I don’t know who I am without you. I’m Henry’s dad. But Mitch…Mitch is lost. I feel stuck in a time warp, like I’m still that teenager waiting to make love to his girlfriend over Christmas break. Everything changed in a flash. Physically, I became a grown man, but inside, I’m still that lost boy waiting for you to come back. I think I finally just realized that’s never going to happen.”

  Tears fell from her eyes. “Mitch…”

  “Do you know how painful it is to love someone so fucking much that you’d die for them, yet they don’t even feel safe with you? Go on and marry him. Have your perfect life on your perfect street with your perfect man…and see my face every night when he’s fucking you. I’m DONE.” I couldn’t look at her as I headed straight for the door. “Goodbye, Skylar.”

  She didn’t even bother to follow me out this time.

  CHAPTER 28

  SKYLAR

  My entire body was shaking as I
fell to the ground. I stayed in the same spot, leaning against the wall with my head in my hands unable to handle the enormity of what had just happened. I had finally managed to push him away. The pain in my chest was overpowering.

  He loved me, but he could only put up with so much. How could I have told Kevin I loved him while looking straight into Mitch’s eyes?

  Kevin suspected something. He was acting uncharacteristically insecure on the phone and kept hounding me to say those three words. I didn’t know what to do because if I didn’t say them, he’d demand an explanation. He would have kept me on the phone all night, and I didn’t want to ruin my last hours alone with Mitch. But that was exactly what happened anyway. I thought I could sweep it under the rug after, but the hurt was beyond repair.

  Letting him leave was cowardly. All of the things I wanted to say to him were at the tip of my tongue, but none would come out.

  I should’ve been relieved, right? Wasn’t that what I had been looking for…someone to make the decision for me? Mitch giving up the fight now meant I could walk off into the sunset with Kevin sans temptation.

  So, why did I feel like my life was over?

  My eyelids shut tight as the wind shook the windows on the French doors. It was starting to rain outside. I prayed to God to take this immeasurable pain away. The thought of taking a second chance on Mitch had always scared me, but nothing compared to how scared I was now that I’d pushed him away.

  Love can’t exist without fear.

  The thought had come out of nowhere, almost as if a spirit guide had whispered it in my ear. Where had I heard that before?

  I wracked my brain and remembered the conversation Jake and I had years ago at the engagement party right before the nightmare with Charisma happened.

  “If the thought of losing someone doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then it’s not love.”

  Throughout all of this, not once had I been scared to lose Kevin. I was scared to hurt him but never scared to live without him. It finally became crystal clear to me. Kevin took care of me and made me feel safe. I cared about him, but there was no fear. It wasn’t love. I couldn’t marry someone I wasn’t in love with.