by Gigi Birtie
Once inside I wish instantly that I had gone to the waiting room.
“What the fuck Sloane. You got your brother killed,” My father yells not caring who hears his rage. “He was going places, he had a promising future and what do you have Sloane? Nothing but a past of fuck ups your brother always had to get you out of,” My father starts to cry. “He was the one with the talent, he was the one everyone was proud of and you… you helped take that all away.” He ends in a whisper.
There was no response that I could say that would make this better. There wasn’t one word I didn’t disagree on. There was nothing left in me to fight.
Instead, I just buried my head into my lap and waited till we were back with Reese to say our own goodbyes.
The wait wasn’t long before the doctor had us back in his room. He had us take a hand each of Reese’s as they began unhooking the machine. All I could do was stare at my beautiful brothers face as the pink in his cheeks slowly faded away and his breathing stopped as they turned off the last remaining machine. The only sound left in the room way the heart rate monitor
Beep…
Beep…
Beep...
Beep...
The nurse turned off the sound and silence filled the room and only sounds that come are from my dad and I sobbing.
I’m not certain how long we sat there, but slowly my dad stood up kissed Reese on the forehead and said, “It’s time to go Sloane.” I watched as he walked over to wait by the door.
Turning my gaze back to Reese I took a shuttering breath and stood over him. I fixed his hair and kissed his cheeks. I leaned to his ear and said, “You will forever be with me and I will forever do things to make your proud of me.”
I meant every word too.
I vowed right there to Reese that the remainder of my life will be our life.
My dad walks over and grabs me by my elbow since I was finding great difficulty leaving. He leads me out of Reese’s room, down the long hallway, not letting me stop to talk with anyone. Not even Asher, Riv, Mona, Lux, and Tala all who were waiting for us.
I mouthed to them all that I would call later.
They all responded with a head nod or just a soft smile that didn’t reach any of their eyes.
Going home was worse than saying goodbye. My dad and I just stood there surrounded by Reese. His smell, his stuff, his mess that he left behind before that fateful night.
It was suffocating.
My dad turned and walked to the other room without saying another word while I walked further in Reese’s room and laid on his bed.
I cried myself to sleep if that’s what you can call it. Sleep was hardly what it felt like.
When Asher entered Reese’s room. I didn’t move. I didn’t want to leave, but he scooped me up and took me to my room to lay me down on my own bed.
Asher didn’t say one word, he didn’t cry, instead he just held me as if he was holding all my broken pieces together. His supportive hold held my soul intact though all it wanted to do was bleed out my eyes in the form of tears.
“I can’t believe this is really happening Asher.” I muffle into his chest.
“I know baby, this is hitting us all really hard right now and there’s no doubt it’s even worse for you and your dad.” He kisses the top of my head.
“My dad said it was my fault...” I let those words hang heavy in the air between us.
“Your dad is just mad Sloane, he wants someone to blame babe. He shouldn’t say that shit to you, but try not to take it to heart.”Ashers’ words are soothing but don’t really sink in. The damage has already been done and the guilt is over whelming. I’ve got to find who shot Reese, I need the closure and justice delivered in the form of some street justice.
It’s time to pay a visit to someone I don’t want anything to do with but his connections are better than good and could benefit me in my search.
I’m just going to need some time and this is something I don’t want Asher involved in so I’ll need to keep it all to myself.
“Sloane?”
“Yeah Asher?” I mumble still lost in thought of my plotting and planning.
“I want you to know the shooter will be caught and you don’t need to worry about what’s going to happen from here on out." I simply nod in to his chest, it’s like Asher is in my mind. Although I should be comforted by his statement, I’m not. This is my fight that I need to finish. Not just for me, but for Reese too.
The week goes by in a continuous haze. With the funeral, the hoard of people dropping by to pay their respects, I’ve had no time to search for the killer, but I’ve also been a mess. Although I appear to be strong on the outside, on the inside I’m empty, void of any emotion. I haven’t cried in front of anyone since that night with Asher but every day I do cry. I wait till I’m alone in the shower as the warm water washes over me and the sound of running water drowns out my sobs. Granted there have been moments here and there when a tear has escaped my eyes but not to where it was noticeable by anyone.
Mona and Tala visited a few times along with Riv and Rylan, but today I’m at Tala’s having to say goodbye. Tala and Rylan are packed and loaded to move to Los Angeles to start their new lives under the warm Southern California sun. I personally don’t blame Tala for wanting to leave early. There’s no real reason to stick around. That and she needs time to settle into her new apartment with Rylan. Every time she’s tried to talk to me, I’ve had no more than a few words to say every time. I almost feel bad but I simply can’t.
It’s like there’s nothing in me to care. Even Asher has lessened his visits. Why would anyone want to keep coming to a place where Reese’s things remain untouched and to where I barely interact? At least I’m not crying though, so there are at least some positives.
“Sloane.” Tala says quietly as she wraps me up in her arms and buries her face in my neck. Her face is warm and her cheeks are wet.
“I want you to promise me something Sloane,” I pull back seeing Talas’ sad big brown eyes and nod for her to continue. Tala lets out a sigh. “I want you to get out of your damn house more and go live the life you promised Reese you would.”
I softly gasp at her words “How did you know I promised that to Reese?” Anger starts to settle in as that was said in private.
To Reese and Reese only.
Tala reaches up with her slender arm and takes her long fingers to tuck a stray hair behind my ear and leans back in, “Well because I know you Sloane and you would say such a thing to him,” She smiles. “He would want you living and not wasting away or letting a plot of revenge take over your life.”
I look down instantly so she can’t see in my eyes that she’s right, that my plans of revenge started to consume me. If I’m not thinking of Reese, I’m thinking of ways to hurt the person who took my brother away from me.
“Sloane, seriously. Go through all the feelings that come with loss but get focused, you have so many good things you need to accomplish so you can make Reese proud.” Tala talks slowly and with a meaningful punctuation so that her words will sink in. She’s hitting me hard with her words of truth but I know she’s right. I have a future that I need to work on, but I’m not stopping my plan of nailing the idiot who robbed me of seeing Reese grow old and what he would have done with his life. I plan right there to not be so obsessed about it though.
“Don’t worry Tala,” I plaster on a smile that hopefully looks sincere. “I will snap out of the funk and focus on school. You have nothing to worry about.” I add that last part to give Tala some peace of mind. I’m aware she’s worried and with a new life that she’s about to start, this wasn’t the time to put any added pressures on her.
She pulls me in for one last hug. Mona, Riv and Asher all say their final goodbyes while giving her hugs too.
I decide not to stick around so I just leave too without saying goodbye. There’s someone I need to pay a visit to and hopefully get the information.
Chapter Fifteen
SLOA
NE
It didn’t take me long to figure out where he would be, but I knew his house wasn’t the place.
Of course, me coming to the football players gym on campus was a gamble. Asher wouldn’t come back for a third workout since he already told me about his two workouts from earlier today, or at least I hope he wouldn’t come back for a third time.
There were only a few guys in there but the one I came for was over on the treadmill so I beeline my way right to him.
“Dane!” He looked much better than the last time I saw him. He still looked like he could gain some weight but the dark circles from underneath his eyes were gone.
Dane pulls his earbuds out but continues to keep running but slows it down.
“Hey Sloane.” he says my name in that tone that everyone uses. The one that drives me crazy, and that makes the back of my eyes start to burn.
I grit my teeth and grind out a “Hey” right back to him.
We stare at each other for a moment before Dane stops his treadmill all together.
“Let’s go for a walk on the track Sloane.” He doesn’t ask he simply tells me what we’re doing and I don’t question him so I follow Dane to the track that’s right outside the gym doors.
I shove my hands in my pockets while hanging my head a bit and walk for a good long moment without asking what I came here to ask.
So, Dane does it for me.
“Listen Sloane, I’m aware why you’re here. I’ve already talked to Asher too and so after you leave, I’ll be calling him to let him in on what I’m about to tell you.” His expression is serious but I don’t give two fucks who he calls as long as he gives me the information I’m looking for.
“Yeah alright if you have the information I need, then spill it.” I demand. Dane looks at me like he’s never seen me before in his life.
He continues to walk and I follow by his side.
“Sloane, I found out who shot Reese. I should have told you, but Asher wanted for you to come to me. Which I understand why.” My jaw is slack and I can’t believe he knows.
“What the fuck, tell me who it is!” I say this time grabbing his arm and stopping him in his tracks. The suspense was chocking me and taking over my senses.
“Well apparently you’ve met him before too. He was the guy who you and Reese had a run in on your motorcycle run to the desert, his name is… Rodder.” The name hangs heavy in the air as my lungs refuse to work.
My brothers murder has a name.
Rodder.
That son of a bitch.
“Hey Sloane, it’s only natural that you have a million thoughts running through your head right now but you need to know something else...” I don’t want to hear what that something else is. All I want to do is go find Rodder and take someone important from him like he did to me. Right away I become obsessed with finding him. There’s no doubt in my mind that he will be at the strip where everyone is racing tonight.
I look at Dane long and hard debating whether I tell him my plan but there’s no doubt he’ll try to stop me.
So, I turn and sprint out of there as fast as I could. I run all the way to my motorcycle, climb on and get the hell out of there.
Now if Dane was a smart man, he’d let me do what I need to be vindicated, but fifty bucks says he’s already on the phone with Asher.
My sweet and unbelievably patient boyfriend, the one who I haven’t been all that great to, but understands why I have been the way I am. I can only hope at the end he’ll still be around for me. If I get this Rodders’ blood on my hands, that will be the end of us. There’s no waiting for someone stuck behind bars for the rest of their life.
I wonder what I’ll really do once I find him and make him pay for what he’s done.
My hot angry tears seep from eyes and the wind blows them straight into my hairline.
Indecision courses through my system the faster I ride to the strip. I think of a hundred different things I am going to say when I see him and double that of what I’ll physically do to him.
The closer I get the harder my hearts pounds. Once I turn the bend there isn’t one person out here. Not even a couple making out in their car, it’s completely deserted. Only the orange glow of the city lights fills the night sky with a few planes flying overhead.
The adrenaline that has been pulsing through me quickly dissipates leaving me shaking. I need to pull over and calm down so I don’t fall over with my bike. Though I can pick it back up, it’s still nothing I want to do right now.
I park and cut the engine. I kick down the kick stand and take off my helmet but leave my gloves on since it’s not that warm yet.
Seagulls squawk in the distance as other sea birds chirp along the shore. The ferry doesn’t run out here this late in the evening even though it’s not that late, but there’s no worry about the daily commuters mulling around.
I have a perfect view of the city as I get closer to the water’s edge. All the twinkling city lights are alive as they dance on the water, yet I’m dead inside wondering if I’ll ever claw my way out of this dreadful state of being.
I can’t believe how ready I was to gain revenge for Reese. For what?
“Why?” I scream at the top of my lungs knowing my cry will only get lost in the bay, but it had to be asked even if there is no one there to answer. I crumple into a ball on the rock lined shore and to open up to cry my heart out.
My sobs start to slow down but the snot and tears are everywhere. Ugly crying has my lips and eyes swelling but once again I think of Reese and those tears start to flow at a steady stream as before.
I was never supposed to go through life without Reese. I was never supposed to know this pain. I should have never agreed to that night. I also shouldn’t be pushing the ones I love away and shouldn’t be shutting down like I am. Why can’t I get a grasp on the loss of Reese? Why am I self- destructing?
Who is going to help me through all this without wanting to kill me in the end? I’ve never felt so alone in all my life, especially when I’m surrounded by so many friends that love me.
I continue to cry out here in the mild summer night, there is a light fog rolling in which is like a blanket of comfort as it shrouds my form from the street. It gives me the protection my body needs from any possible passerby.
My tears soon stop this time and now my buried head that’s in my arms are wrapped around my legs. I keep wiping my checks and nose on my pants since I’ve run out of dry places to do that.
“Is there room for one more on that rock?” His raspy voice startles me, but it’s Asher so I’m not frightened.
I scoot over so he can join me and he sits right down putting an arm around my waist pulling me close to him.
“Dane called me.” Is all he says and waits for me to respond. What can I possibly say though?
Instead I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder and relax into his warm body. If Asher is going to yell at me, I might as well be comfortable.
“Is there anything you want to say Sloane? Maybe that you’re sorry for going to Dane and not to me?”
Ouch that hurts, hearing it be put like that.
“It wasn’t like that Asher, I didn’t go to him to seek comfort, I went to him for information,” I draw in a shaky breath before continuing. “Information that he had and to be honest I didn’t want you to see me when I wanted to act crazy from impulse.” Ashers’ arm tightens around me and he places a kiss to the top of my head.
“I’m sorry Asher. I didn’t want to hurt you in any way. I needed to do things my way to get where I am at this very moment.”
“And where are you right now Sloane?” his voice is so quiet. It makes me wonder if he’s too nervous for my answer.
“I’m right where I’m supposed to be, healing and making my way through the shit that surrounds me right now.” I say with a heavy heart.
“I understand you had to go to Dane, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt, but it’s not like I would have had the information you were l
ooking for since that’s how I found out too,” Ashers’ other hand takes one of mine in his and proceeds to talk. “When Dane told me who the killer was, I asked him not to tell you but to let me take care of it but he said he couldn’t do that. So, I acted quickly to save you from ruining your future,” he knew once I had the killers name what my course of action would be. “I didn’t kill him Sloane, fuck I did the same thing you did. I raced right to where it was rumored for him to be, but once I saw him it became clear, that taking that approach of an eye for and eye would only take me away from you. Somehow I got lucky though.” He says.
“What do you mean you got lucky?” What possible luck could he have by not doing anything.
“Well it seems others found out he was the shooter as well and before any action on my part could be done a big and I mean big dude shoved him at a spinning car. Rodder got wrapped up in the tires of the car and was mangled pretty good.” I gasped and being overcome with happiness about this news.
“Did he live?” I ask dreading the news either way.
“Yeah babe, he’s alive but barely. The damage he sustained is pretty bad. If he survives, his quality of life won’t be much of anything and if he dies, his death is a pretty gruesome way to go. Either way; he’s fucked.” We sit there in silence as I wrap my head around what happened to the guy who murdered Reese.
Whatever his outcome it’s deserved. I’ll celebrate either way, but hope for the most painful experience for him. Death seems too easy of a punishment.
After some time of us sitting on the rocks Asher asks, “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah I think so, I guess only time will tell.” I respond.
“Let’s go home and get out of the cold, I brought one of my trucks here and we can load up your bike and take it back to my place.”
“I like that idea, besides my ass is completely numb.” I try to make a joke but it doesn’t sound as funny as it did in my head. I still try to laugh though. The action is foreign to me so I stop.