“No, it’s not code. Anyone who watches shows like Modern Family will know the term. Not all gays are in hiding. Most people, even grandmothers, know more about popular culture than you.”
I rubbed my eyebrows, rustling the coarse hairs back and forth. “So I may have outed Kit to his homophobic sister?”
“You may have. However, I suspect she knows. She just hasn’t informed Peter or anyone else.”
Chapter Five
Maddie snapped her phone shut. She was sitting on a barstool at the island in our kitchen, a full day after her surprise visit.
“New phone?” I asked.
“Got it yesterday.” She waved it in the air.
“When I had a phone like that, everyone teased me, called it ancient.” I folded my arms, leaning against the doorjamb in the kitchen.
“Adele’s video made flip phones cool again.” She rotated on the stool and smiled condescendingly. “Besides, I like the ability to slam it shut.” She demonstrated.
“Adele, huh?” I jabbed a thumb at my chest. “She’s cooler than I am.”
Maddie quirked a combative eyebrow. “Do you even know who she is?”
The name pricked a distant memory I couldn’t bring to mind. It didn’t stop me from saying, “Of course. Who doesn’t know Adele?”
I continued to rack my brain. Was she that YouTube sensation Maddie had been following when she decided she wanted her own YouTube channel to make a fortune? That whim had lasted only marginally longer than her cooking classes.
Maddie locked eyes with Sarah, who stood on the opposite side of the kitchen island. Sarah gave her a sheepish grin and shook her beautiful head, as if to say, Why do you set yourself up like this?
“Who is she, then?” Maddie asked.
“Oh, please. I’m not in the mood for foolish tests.” I squished my index finger and thumb together as if squashing a bug.
My action didn’t fool her.
“Just admit you don’t know who she is. Not knowing or remembering is one thing; being a fake is completely different.” Maddie’s left leg bounced up and down on the barstool footrest. She was fidgeting more than usual.
Sarah turned to me, winked, and then murmured, “Hello.” Her smile was genuine in a baffling way. She regularly ganged up on me when that shit-starter Maddie was around.
“Hi,” I responded, throwing her a half-hearted wave.
Sarah’s smile plummeted from her face, and Maddie burst into laughter.
“Even after your wife gives you the biggest clue possible, you don’t know.” Maddie’s shoulders heaved up and down with her dramatic sigh.
“Hello” was a clue? How?
“Be nice, Maddie. Lizzie’s special.”
“Doesn’t excuse lying.” Maddie squared her shoulders.
“I didn’t lie,” I said.
“You didn’t tell the truth,” she countered.
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, Maddie.”
“Someday, you’ll need to learn. You’re bringing a baby into the world.”
“Babies,” I corrected.
“Yes, babies. An even better reason for you to smarten up. Don’t be like Peter.”
“How does this equate to being like Peter?”
“Equate?” She looked to the heavens. “That’s a start. You and Peter are stiff in casual conversation.”
I started to defend myself, but Sarah silenced me with a shake of the head.
“Okay, Maddie. You’ve had your fun at Lizzie’s expense and made your point. Now, why are your panties in a bunch?” Sarah swooped in and saved me before I foolishly took Maddie to task, knowing full well I was more like Peter than I cared to admit.
“I’ll spill if Lizzie can define ‘panties in a bunch.’”
“To become overwrought about something trivial.” I stuck my tongue out at her.
“Wow, I’ve never heard it defined that way, but bravo, that pretty much sums it up.”
Sarah took a seat on the barstool next to Maddie, placing one hand on her arm. “Tell us. You’re clearly on the warpath, and you’re taking it out on Lizzie.”
I moved to stand on the opposite side of the counter, close enough to feel included in the conversation but far enough away from Maddie’s sights. Sarah was dead-on about her mood.
Maddie rested her elbows on the counter and propped her chin on her hands. “I’m confused.”
“Me too. Why in the hell did you show up knowing Peter was over?” I blurted.
Sarah’s eyes bulged; however, she’d be lying if she denied wanting to know the answer.
“I forgot he was coming over.” She chewed on her thumbnail, a pretty clear sign she was lying. “I was so distraught and needed someone to talk to.”
I bought she was upset, considering the Doug part. “How could you forget after helping me pick out Peter’s bourbon a couple of hours before?”
Maddie smothered her face with her arms once more, causing Sarah to give me the not now glare. I rolled my eyes, which didn’t go unnoticed by Sarah. Was Maddie so curious to meet the woman Peter married she decided to barge in without an invite? Or was there something else I couldn’t put my finger on?
“Do you want to talk about Doug?” Sarah asked in a tone that implied I should back off for now.
“Yes… No. Yes!” Maddie spoke into her arms.
Sarah and I exchanged an uh-oh glance.
Sarah leaned over and rubbed her back. “Go on.”
Maddie popped up and sniffled. “I met someone.”
“Really? When?” Sarah’s expression brightened.
“Two nights ago.”
Sarah’s eyes widened. “Not Kit. Please tell me you don’t mean Kit.”
“What?” Maddie giggled mirthlessly before wiping her nose on her sleeve. “No! I haven’t fallen for a gay man. Come on. Give me some credit.”
“But you were at a gay bar,” I said and then held my breath, knowing I should have kept silent. Remember the first rule.
They both eyed me, but the spark vanished from Maddie’s face. “Yes. A bar for gay men and lesbians.”
“You met a woman?” Sarah put two and two together way before I did.
For as long as I’d known Maddie, who was bisexual, she’d never dated a woman.
“What’s her name?” Sarah asked.
“Courtney.”
“Ha! What a coincidence? Kit’s fiancée is named Courtney. I don’t think I’ve known a Courtney, and in a little over twenty-four hours I’ve heard of two.” I thrummed my fingers on the granite countertop.
Maddie’s shoulders drooped, and Sarah’s furrowed brow got me thinking. “No! No way. This can’t be happening.” I placed both palms on my head. “Peter will take this out on me. Not you. Not Kit. Me!” I slammed an open palm into my chest.
“I know, but—”
“How’d you even meet Courtney?” Sarah made it clear I should allow her to steer the conversation.
“She joined us after Kit and I left here.”
“She knows, then, about Kit?” Sarah’s soft tone was completely free of judgment.
Maddie nodded. “Turns out Lizzie isn’t the only one with a complicated family. Both Kit and Courtney…” She left the rest unsaid.
Were Peter and I the only ones in the dark?
“What’s she like?” Sarah continued.
Maddie smiled. “A minx—the female version of Kit, really. Funny, gorgeous, and man, can she dance. The three of us closed the bar down. I haven’t felt so free in months—years, really. I was with her all day yesterday.”
The mere mention of Kit’s name reminded me of the real issue. “I’m putting my foot down. You cannot pursue Courtney.”
Maddie blinked, and Sarah glared at me, aghast.
“Who do you think you are?” Maddie asked without her usual verve.
“How many people are on this planet? More than seven billion and growing each day. And you fall for Kit’s fi
ancée?”
Maddie’s face contorted with perverse excitement. “Are you suggesting I fall for a baby born today?”
I jammed my fist down on the counter. “Don’t get off topic. Do you have any idea what it was like growing up in the Petrie family? I’ll be clear. It was hell.”
Maddie’s face softened. “Kit thinks it’s great if Courtney and I hook up—keeping it in the family, so to speak. Less chance the news will spread.”
I drew my eyebrows together. “Peter already thinks I ruined your relationship with him—Lizzie the Lesbian, destroyer of all. Now he’ll blame me for Kit and Courtney, too.”
“You didn’t ruin our relationship. Peter did—by cheating.” Maddie lifted her gaze to meet mine. “I can have a sit-down with him and make it crystal clear that this has nothing to do with him anymore. And nothing to do with you.”
“He’ll never see that. He probably thinks I’m the one who outed his mistress in the first place.”
Maddie chewed her bottom lip. “Yeah, right. You never suspected Peter and your father had mistresses. I had to tell you.”
“He won’t see it that way. The one thing I know about my brother is he has a chip on his shoulder the size of Uranus.”
Maddie broke out into fits of laughter. “Why’d you choose Uranus? Out of all the planets?”
“Conditions have to be ideal to be seen without optical aid.” I shrugged. Didn’t everyone know that?
“That’s one of the things I love about you. You’re hilarious, but you have no idea why.” Maddie smiled to take the sting out of her backhanded compliment. Her reassurance might have worked better if her smile didn’t coil up in a way that suggested I really was an effing moron.
Sarah shifted on her barstool. “How do you feel about Courtney being in a committed relationship with Kit?” She made quote marks in the air. “You were just busting Lizzie’s balls for being fake, yet this seems like ultimate fakeness to me, even with the complicated family stuff—or whatever.” Sarah made her feelings known with the last word. She wasn’t buying Kit and Courtney’s excuse lock, stock, and barrel.
Maddie’s lips clamped shut, and she turned her head to the ceiling, offering only a limp shrug.
“I’m not sure that would fly with me,” Sarah continued. “God knows Lizzie is one of the most clueless people in the world, but she’s always been out of the closet.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt about that statement. At what point would I become less clueless? I’d been looking up a word on the Urban Dictionary every day for months, trying to up my cool factor. Today’s word—napahoe—referred to a hot chick slumbering in your bed. Seriously, when would I ever need that word? Despite its uselessness, it was locked in my brain forever now.
When Sarah wasn’t home, I binged on popular TV shows. I’d even enlisted Ethan’s assistance, years ago, to round out my music selection. Not that I’d confess that to Sarah or Maddie, and I’d sworn Ethan to secrecy. So far, he hadn’t stabbed me in the back. Knowing him, he was waiting for the opportune moment. I was wary of trusting him completely, but I needed someone on my side. Even Batman had a sidekick. Ethan was my Robin.
My fear was being that parent: the one my children and their friends made fun of. I remembered all too well how cruel children could be. Children could sniff out fear, and they had no issues shredding the weakest link. And shit, with the information superhighway, bullying had taken on a whole new level.
Lesson one, Lizzie, don’t ever say “information superhighway” aloud! Two-year-olds with iPhones will mock you.
According to the Urban Dictionary, that term had died with the nineties. World Wide Web was also a no-no. I made a mental note to research the newer, cooler term for the Internet.
Sarah snapped her fingers. “Lizzie!”
I shook my head. “Sorry. What?”
“Would you make me a cup of tea?” Sarah’s face had visibly paled.
“Of course, sweetheart.” I flipped around and filled the kettle. “Are you feeling unwell? Do you need to take a nap?”
“I’m fine. I just need something soothing.” She cradled her belly.
I nodded. My other fear and the most pressing—besides being the nerdiest parent in human history—was something happening to Sarah or one of the babies. Threatening terms like subchorionic hemorrhage, preeclampsia, placental abruption, and choriocarcinoma rattled around in my head. I tried to force the fear back into the recesses of my mind. “Maddie, tea?”
“Please.”
I opened the cabinet to the left of the stove and singled out the golden Tea-for-Two pouch. “What kind?” I asked over my shoulder. “Considering our conversation earlier, I’m assuming you don’t need pregnancy tea.”
“Oh, so funny. Mock my situation.” She smiled, appreciating the dig. “Darjeeling.”
“Not Lady Grey?” I cracked.
“Wow, two jokes in less than five minutes. Careful your head doesn’t explode from kicking into overdrive.” Maddie’s eyes blazed with merriment. That was one thing I loved about her—the more shit someone dished out, the more she enjoyed being around that person.
“Did you wake up with a napahoe in your bed?” I had my back to both of them, so I allowed myself the tiniest of grins at my own joke.
“A what?” Sarah asked, shell-shocked.
I continued preparing the tea, ignoring them. Let them figure it out on their own, if they really wanted to know.
“Ah-ha!” Maddie exclaimed.
I about-faced.
Maddie slapped the countertop with one hand, holding Sarah’s iPhone in her other hand. “I do believe Lizzie is boning up on slang. Napahoe is one of the terms on the front page of the Urban Dictionary.” Maddie hunched over to show Sarah so my confused wife could confirm it.
Sarah’s grin hinted she’d already suspected, but she winked at me anyway. It used to unnerve me: how well Sarah knew me. I’d learned over the years that having someone perfectly in tune with you was one of the greatest gifts.
That emboldened me. “Come on, Maddie. All the cool cats know it and don’t need the Urban Dictionary.”
“Yeah, right. Lizzie, you aren’t clueless; you’re a jive turkey.”
Jive turkey?
I swatted the thought away, making a mental note to look that up when the coast was clear. “Whatever. If I’m so clueless, why is my life perfect and you just dumped Doug and have the hots for a lesbian who’s engaged to a gay man who happens to be my sister-in-law’s brother and the brother-in-law of your ex-fiancé?” I whistled, amazed I got all that out. From the open-mouthed looks I was receiving from both Sarah and Maddie, I still needed to work on my delivery. “Um, that came out wrong, didn’t it? Too heartless?”
Maddie held her thumb and index finger half an inch apart. “Just a scootch.”
Sarah drummed her fingers on the countertop. “Try researching the word finesse. Maybe watch more Cary Grant films—God knows you love him.”
My eyes roved the kitchen, searching for a solution. They fixated on the box of chocolates I’d failed to send home with Tie. “Chocolate?”
Both of them laughed.
“Nice save, Einstein.” Sarah hoisted her body off the barstool. “Would you mind bringing the tea to the library? I need a cozier chair.”
“Anything for you.”
***
Muffled voices drifted from the library. I clutched the tray that held three teas and a box of chocolates. Outside the door, I called, “Can I come in?”
“No!” Maddie responded.
It was good to hear the playfulness return to her voice. “I remembered the chocolates.” I positioned the tray in the open door so Maddie could see the collection of truffles.
She craned her neck. “What kind?”
I inched into the room. “A selection of raspberry, amaretto, cognac, cherry…” I checked the box again. “Passion fruit, salted caramel—”
“Bring them.” She ushered me
in with a flick of her wrist.
Sarah eyed me with a look I couldn’t decipher. Was she warning me to go easy on Maddie about the Courtney thing? Lately, all of Maddie’s projects, or whatnot, had been short-lived. Or was my wife simply tired? Now, everything made her tired; sometimes, just brushing her teeth wiped her out.
I placed the tray down on the coffee table, and Maddie flipped the lid on the box and scanned all the goodies. She popped a truffle into her mouth and sank into the couch. After chomping down a few times, she swallowed and then added, “As much as it pains me to admit it, you spoke the truth earlier.” But her smile was false and the sadness in her eyes troubled me. If I picked up on it correctly, Sarah was now on high alert, which worried me. She was busy growing two human beings in her belly. Maddie drama would only drain her more.
I lowered myself onto the couch next to Sarah, placing my hand on her knee. Maddie sat opposite, her legs tucked underneath her body.
“Tell me about Courtney.” I mimed waving a white flag, signaling I’d do my best not to judge.
“I don’t want another lecture,” she grumbled, clearly not buying my act. She popped another truffle into her mouth.
“Truce, okay. I’m just curious about her. Not many people turn your head. She must be special. Besides being a good dancer, how so?”
Sarah squeezed my hand.
Maddie sank onto the couch, clasping a pillow to her chest. “I’ll do better than that. How about the four of us do dinner this week?”
Inside I was screaming, “Nooooo!” If Peter or Tie got wind, I’d never hear the end of it. However, at the moment I was teetering on my pregnant wife’s shit list. “Sounds great. What night?”
Maddie tugged her phone out of her back jeans pocket. “I’ll text her now.”
Fantastic. They were already texting buddies, soon to be fuck buddies, if they weren’t already. Since they’d spent the weekend together, I assumed they’d done the deed. Was there a term for lesbian fuck buddy?
I turned to Sarah and smiled my This is what happens when my family comes over for dinner smile.
A Family Woman Page 8