I don’t look away from him as I work his buckle open, don’t blink when the sound of his zipper echoes off the walls, and refuse to look away even as I draw his slacks and boxers down his thighs.
I don’t dare close my eyes as I take him into my mouth for the first time.
His hiss of pleasure fills the room as I begin to suck him, and a pressure is already beginning to build between my legs.
“No,” he instructs with a strained voice as I begin to close my eyes. He wraps his hand in my hair, pulling until there’s just a bite of pain to keep me looking at him. “Don’t you fucking dare, Bucky.”
I don’t dare.
He moans when I take him deeper, and the moisture between my legs builds to an embarrassing level. I wish I’d thought ahead and pulled my dress up so I could at least rub my clit, but this isn’t about me. It’s about him, and I’m sure it won’t take much to cajole Shep into round three.
His breathing grows ragged and I can tell he’s already getting close.
“Fuck, this is so embarrassing. I’m about to come.”
I pull off him but continue stroking, giving him a lazy grin. “I can stop, if you want.”
“I swear, you’re trying to kill me.” He bites at his lip, pushing into my hand and stifling another groan of pleasure. “If you don’t keep sucking, I’m taking it out on your ass.”
“So much talk of ass play tonight.”
“Den?”
“Yes, Shep?”
“Suck.”
I take him into my mouth again, breathing through my nose as I take him deeper than I have before. His legs shake, and I hum with a thrill at his reaction.
“Fuckfuckfuck,” he mutters.
He pulls my hair tighter and the move nearly brings me to orgasm, all without him even touching me below the waist.
“Den, unless you want me to blow my load down your throat, move.”
I don’t move.
“Last chance,” he grits out.
I pull back but don’t let him go, working him until he empties himself in my mouth.
I release him, sitting back on my haunches, feeling satisfied as he collapses against the door, his breathing ragged and raw.
“Jesus, Den.”
“What did I say—”
“9%,” he huffs out on a strangled laugh. “I know.”
“Quit licking my feet, Shep.”
“Why would I lick your feet?”
“Um, because you’re a freak.”
“True, but I’m not that big of a freak.” He turns toward me, and I feel his breath on the back of my neck. “Two things: one, I’m too tired to lick your feet—you’ve worn me out with all the orgasms—and two, did you ever stop to think it might be Steve licking your feet?”
I don’t know how he had the energy to roll over just now. I couldn’t move even if I tried.
I didn’t have to wait long for Shep to return the orgasm favor. Once he regained his composure, he scooped me up off the floor and hauled me into a steaming shower, where he showed me that shower sex can be fun.
Then he showed me that sex on a bed is great too, and that’s where we’ve been ever since, too worn out to move.
“First, Steve knows I hate that. Second, are you telling me if you weren’t too tired then you would be licking my feet?”
Though I’m not facing him, I know he rolls his eyes. “Go to sleep, Den.”
“Snuggle me first.”
“I don’t snuggle.”
“You also said you don’t do commitment…or love…” I trail off.
He groans and wraps his arm around me, being the big spoon to my little.
“Can you tell me something?”
“Can you promise me you’ll go to sleep after I tell you?”
“Yes, and unlike you, I stick to my promises.” He pinches my ass with his free hand and I yelp, trying to wiggle away, but he holds me tighter. “There’s that ass play you’ve been promising all night.”
He shakes his head. “What do you want me to tell you, Bucky?”
“Was it something I did or said?”
I don’t have to elaborate. He knows exactly what I’m referring to.
They’re the same questions I asked him all those years ago, standing on that porch.
Did I do something to push him away? Did I say something to make him run?
“No, it wasn’t you.” He presses a kiss to my neck. “Zach and his fiancée broke up.”
“Now that I know he’s Delia’s Zach, I just cannot imagine him engaged to anyone else.”
“It didn’t last long, and it scared me. They were together for years before getting engaged. They were supposed to be that couple that made it through college. They didn’t, though. They failed, and I was terrified we would fail too.”
“You didn’t even give us a chance, Cap.”
“I know.” Another kiss. “But all these doubts started creeping in. What if I wasn’t good enough for you? What if I couldn’t make you happy? You were moving across the country for me—what if I didn’t give you everything you needed? What if I wanted baseball more than you? There was so much I didn’t have answers for.”
“That’s life, though. We don’t have answers for any of it.”
“Tell that to eighteen-year-old me, because I sure as shit always thought I had all the answers. I was the king of the fucking world.”
I laugh. “You still think you’re the king.”
I feel his smile against my neck. “Guilty, but I was wrong then, Den. I was wrong to project all my insecurities onto you. It’s something I’ve done time and time again. I’ve made that same mistake several times after…us, but I’m ready to own up to it. I’m ready to face it.”
I roll toward him, snuggling close and searching for his eyes in the dimly lit room. “What changed?”
Shep buries his face in the pillows. “Yurhunnawaf.”
“What?”
“Yurhunnawafatme.”
“English, Shepard—do you speak it?”
He turns to me, grinning. “Say what again. I dare you. I double dare you.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Um, what?”
“Oh god, you haven’t seen it.” He rolls away from me, pulling himself out of bed…naked. He moves around so fast that Steve falls off and darts under the desk, cowering in his bed. “Well”—he tosses his hands up in the air—“this was good while it lasted. I’ll be taking my dog and leaving now.”
“Don’t you dare touch Steve!” I shoot up to a sitting position, pointing at him. “I’ve seen Pulp Fiction. Now get your ass back in bed.”
“Oh, thank god,” he says as he exhales. He shakes his head, sliding back under the blankets. “I thought we were done for.”
We snuggle back down into the same spots we were in before.
“Tell me.”
“Fine, but no laughing.”
“Is that what you were saying? That I was going to laugh at you?”
“Duh. Anyway, it was Allie and AJ. They, uh, they’re the ones who made me believe.”
“In?”
“Love. Fate. All that other bullshit you subscribe to.”
“So then Santa, Valentine’s Day, and the dangers of mixing Pop Rocks and Coke?”
He laughs, remembering what he said to me all those years ago. “Yes, all that bullshit.”
“How?”
“They made it.” He brushes away a hair that’s fallen over my eye. “They made it through college, AJ’s baseball career, and all the other shit. They did it.”
I lean into him, getting close enough to where he thinks I’m going to kiss him, then against his lips, I whisper, “I called it.”
He chuckles when I pull away. “You did. And it just got me thinking about us…”
“And everything we missed.”
“God, there’s so much.”
“We could have at least three pugs by now.”
“Is Steve not enough for you, Den?”
“You can’t just ask a girl
how many pugs is enough. That’s barbaric.”
He laughs, and I roll onto my back and can feel him staring holes into the side of my head.
“What?” I ask.
“Last month, when I almost lost my career over one stupid decision, it made me realize all the other things I’ve lost to stupid decisions.”
“Like?”
“The respect of my parents. A relationship with my brother. Some friends. And the biggest one of them all…” He pauses then exhales a shaky breath. “You.”
“I’m right here, Shep.”
“I’m right here too, and I’m not going anywhere—not this time.”
I don’t say anything else.
I stare at the ceiling for a long time, so long that Steve begins to snore from his corner of the room.
Not Shep, though. He’s still awake…waiting, staring.
I roll back toward him, capturing his hazel stare with my own.
“I’m not going anywhere either, but Cap?”
“Yeah?”
“No bullshit this time?”
“No bullshit. Until the end of the line.”
My eyes widen. “I think I just came. You quoted Captain America to me.”
He winks. “You’re welcome.”
And then I smother him with a pillow.
27
Shepard
I’ve never been the type to talk about my feelings, always keeping shit bottled up because it’s no one’s business but my own. Last night, talking to Denny so openly about how abso-fucking-lutely terrified I am of heartbreak was a first for me. It was the most real I’ve been in a long time, probably since I had a screen and two thousand miles separating us.
I wasn’t lying when I told her I still love her. How could I possibly stop? Of course I fucking love her. I just didn’t have the goddamn balls to put my heart on the line back then.
Now in the car on the way home, I peer at her out of the the corner of my eye, admiring the way her lashes fall across her cheeks, loving the freckles that dot the bridge of her nose, the upturn of her plump lips, which are the same color as her nipples.
“I can feel you staring.”
“No you can’t.”
“Can too, ass.”
“Ass? Is that any way to talk to the guy who gave you a wild night of pleasure?”
“You might have fucked me, Shep, but I’m still a little mad at you.”
The word fuck leaving her lips makes my dick jump, and this is so not the time for that shit.
I clear my throat. “Why’s that, Den?”
“For then. For screwing up our dibs. For making me chase after you and then abandoning me.”
“I—”
“You never told me why.”
I dare a peek at her. She’s still resting against the window, eyes still closed like she can’t look at me for this conversation, and I can’t say I blame her.
I kind of want to kiss her for it because I don’t think I can stand to look at her right now either.
“I was scared.”
“I was scared. That’s your big reasoning for pretending I didn’t exist when I packed my life up and moved across the country for you? Leaving me completely on my own and scared out of my mind?” The irritation in her voice is clear.
“It’s the truth, Den. I told you last night I was scared to go through what my mom did. I was fucking terrified as shit that I could fall in love with someone I’d never met before, frightened out of my goddamn mind that someone could mean so much to me.” I squeeze the steering wheel tighter. “The only thing I was ever passionate about was baseball. That was it for me. That’s all it was ever supposed to be.”
“We were young, Shep. You had your whole life for baseball.”
“I had my whole life for love, too. I wasn’t supposed to find it then, not when I had a career ahead of me, a future I couldn’t dream of wrecking.”
“Yet you almost did last month…without me. You could have had me and baseball,” she argues.
I shake my head. “Not then. I couldn’t afford the distraction. It was either go after my lifelong dream of playing in the big leagues or chase after a girl I’d never met.”
“I hate the way you say that,” she says in a small voice. “Like what we had didn’t mean anything.”
“It meant everything, and that was the scariest part of all of it,” I tell her honestly. “If it had come down to it, I would have walked away from my dream for you. That scared me to no end.”
“You wouldn’t have walked away from baseball.”
I laugh. It’s dry and dark and sad even to my own ears. “But I already had.”
She sits up in her seat, finally looking up at me. “What do you mean?”
“I was recruited by another school with a better team.”
“What!” she yells so loudly she wakes Steve, who begins scrambling up her chest, whining like mad.
She cuddles him close. “Shh, shh. Sorry, buddy, didn’t mean to scare you. Your dad just dropped a big, unexpected goddamn bomb on me and I’m about two seconds from kicking his ass.”
“I could totally take you,” I tell her.
She glowers at me. “Don’t test me right now, Shepard.”
Denny scoops Steve into her arms and slides him into the crate in the back seat. She tucks a blanket around him and closes the door, not turning back to me until he’s snuggled in tight.
Spoiled little shit.
“Explain.”
“What, no please?”
“Shepard…” she warns, her tone enough to send a chill down my back.
I let out a long breath. “I already said it: I was recruited by a bigger, better school. I was days away from telling them yes.”
“What happened?”
“You sent me that acceptance letter for Christmas. I called them the next day and turned them down.”
Her mouth drops open and she shakes her head, staring at me like I’m fucking insane. “But…but…why in the hell would you do that!”
“You. Us. Dibs. Because you were coming to be with me.”
“What about AJ? He was coming too.”
“Right, but AJ is a baseball guy. He knew how big a deal it was to be recruited by that school. He was telling me to go for it.”
“Why would you do that, Shep?” she begs, desperate for answers. “Why?”
“I already said why: because of you, because I loved you, Den. I wanted to be with you.”
“Then why did you abandon me? Why did you ignore me? I showed up to that party and you shut me out—literally! Not only did you break my heart, you embarrassed the shit out of me. Why? A classic case of cold feet?”
“It got real.”
“What did?”
“Dibs.” I motion between us. “We got too real. You being there…it scared me. What if I wasn’t what you wanted or expected? What if we didn’t work out? What if we failed? What if I regretted not taking that offer?”
“Sure, Shep, sure, but what if you were everything I expected and hoped for? What if we did work out? What if we didn’t fail? What if you didn’t regret it for a second? What if the fucking Pope shits in the goddamn woods? There are a lot of what-ifs in life.” She shakes her head. “Being chickenshit isn’t a reason to walk away from something.”
My knuckles turn white against the wheel.
She’s right. I know she’s right.
If I could go back and change everything, I would. I wouldn’t push her away. I’d fight through my struggles. I’d fight for us.
But I can’t change it. All I can do is make it up to her.
“I know that now. If it makes you feel any better, the only decision I’ve regretted the last five years is not giving us a chance, not giving up that school. It was us…always us.”
She crosses her arms over her chest and lets out a sardonic laugh. “Good. You should. We would have been fucking amazing together.”
I chuckle and glance over to her, enjoying the way her lips twitch, like she’s
made herself laugh with her own sarcasm.
It’s typical Denny: fun, not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. She knows exactly who she is.
And I’m a goddamn fool for giving her up.
“We still can be, Bucky.”
Her gaze shifts my way and I catch her green eyes for a moment before she turns away and whispers, “I know, Cap, and that’s what scares me.”
“What are you doing this Friday?”
“Did you just ask my dog what his plans are this Friday?”
“What? Noooo!” she drags out. “But also maybe.”
“You have some serious problems.” I grab Denver’s suitcase from the bed of the truck and drop it to the ground. “He’s not busy.”
“Oh. Huh.” She reaches into the truck to grab Steve, and I have the best view of her ass as she stretches across the cab. “Good to know.”
I press myself against her when she stands, and I’m certain she feels just what the view she gave me has done to me.
“Neither am I,” I say, my lips against her ear.
Her breaths come out stuttered. “Th-That’s nice, Shep.” She steps away. “Quit trying to bang me again.”
“Don’t you mean again again again again ag—?”
“How many times are you going to say again?”
“As many as it takes to catch up to how many times we…banged? Is that the right word?”
“Ugh,” Denny groans, pulling Steve free from his crate and turning to face me. “Shut it.”
I laugh and take a step away from her to keep myself from tossing her right back into my truck and keeping her forever.
“Why’d you wanna know what Steve is doing on Friday?”
“Gala, duh.”
“We’re off until after the wedding.”
“Really? You mean I don’t have to spend the next two weekends with you?”
“Have to? No. Want to?” I lean into her. “You want to spend time with me, especially after this weekend. Don’t play, Den.”
We didn’t talk about our past any more on the ride here. We left everything we had said hanging in the air between us, especially that part about us having a future together.
I want one—I’ve always wanted one—and it gives me so much hope that Denny does too.
“How about we call a truce? Try for that future we missed out on?”
Texting (The Complete Series Page 82