“He’s a really good judge of character.”
I glance up to see Delia making her way down the hall. She has a small smile playing on her lips, but I know it’s not for me.
My right cheek begins to tingle when I see her, and I know that’s just the permanent reminder of the slap she gave me when Caleb dragged me to her apartment to “apologize”. We both knew back then it wasn’t much of an apology, but she let it slide anyway. I don’t get how she let me off so easily because I deserved so much worse, and she deserved so much better than that half-assed apology I gave her.
Why am I just now realizing this?
“Yeah,” I say. “I can see that.”
“Leave him be, Marshy.” She bends down and scoops up the goat then drops him off in a bed set up beside the stairs. “You can follow me.”
I trail behind her as she leads us into the kitchen, where Zach is moving around the space like it’s his domain.
“We’re having personal pizzas for dinner. Hope you brought your own.”
“Zachary!” Delia chides.
“Sorry, not sorry,” my brother mumbles, pulling open the fridge and grabbing two bottles of water.
He hands one to Delia and pops open the other for himself, not offering me anything.
Yep. Fun, fun, fun.
“I’m guessing you’re here because Denver found out about you fucking over my girl.” Zach takes a swig of his water then pushes out one of those obnoxious exaggerated aahs. “Here to kiss some ass and show her you’re not a total tool?”
I slide into a chair at their granite-topped island, take my cap off my head, and then scrub a hand through my hair.
“At first, yeah, I was only coming here for her, but then I saw Delia in the hallway and my cheek started tingling like it always does when she’s around.”
“Slapped ya that good, huh?”
“You did,” I tell her. “And it reminded me of that shitty apology I gave you back then and how I never truly gave you a real one, the kind you deserved. If I were coming here for Denver, it would be the exact same thing again. So, no, I’m not here for her—or for me, for that matter. I’m here for you, Delia.”
“For me, huh?”
I nod. “Yep. So, take a seat or keep standing or whatever it is you need to do, because I’m about to deliver the speech of a lifetime.”
She and Zach exchange a look. He shrugs. “This is on you two. I’m going to keep making pizzas. I’m famished.”
“You literally just ate an hour ago.”
“You calling me fat, D?”
“Never.” The grin she gives him says otherwise.
Delia makes her way around the island and takes the seat next to me. “You have my full attention, Shep.”
She stares at me intently. I can’t help but squirm around in my chair under her scrutiny.
“Well, fuck. Now I’m nervous.”
She laughs. “Don’t be. I promise not to slap you again…I think.”
Zach coughs out a laugh but continues to act like he’s invisible, working on flattening out the dough.
“Thanks. Super reassuring.” I clear my throat. “So, I guess I never really explained to you why I did what I did.”
“You said it was because I was pestering you about Zoe.”
“Yes and no. Honestly, it was annoying as shit. I mean, it was college, Delia—that’s what happens in college.” I shrug. “People hook up and it doesn’t work and that’s that. I shouldn’t have been grilled about it at Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I was upset for my friend, but you’re right. I mean, she did it to guys too, so there was no reason for me to jump on you about it. I’m—”
“Don’t you dare,” I interrupt.
“I’m with him,” Zach throws our way.
Delia pretends to zip her lips closed and throw away the key.
“Anyway, yes, I was annoyed with you for putting all my business out there in front of my family, but it wasn’t just that. I was jealous.”
“Of what? My super sweet Ryan Gosling pajamas?”
“Totally.” I laugh. “No, of you and Zach.”
My brother pauses when I mention his name and I can feel his eyes on me, but just as quickly as he stopped, he’s back to flitting around the kitchen.
“Why were you jealous of us?”
“You reminded me of what I could have had with Denver.”
“How did that come about anyway?” Zach interjects.
“Eavesdrop much?” Delia teases.
“What? A guy can’t have questions about a secret relationship his brother had in high school?”
“So nosy.” She tsks.
“AJ wanted to propose to Allie in senior year and I thought it was a really stupid idea, so I reached out to Denver to ask her to help me convince our friends they were idiots and way too young to get married. One thing led to another and…yeah. We became friends, and then we became something more than that.”
“Via texting?”
“Yep.” I nod. “Which is another reason you two reminded me so much of us. You had what I was supposed to have: an unconventional beginning with a happily ever after. You pestering me about Zoe and all the other mistakes I’ve made over the years and my jealousy all rolled around in my head until I sent the photo.”
“Why’d you take it to begin with?”
I wince. “Because I was a pig. I literally have no reason other than you were hot and I wanted it, so I took it. It was free porn.”
“That’s…thank you? I don’t really know what to say to that.”
“That ‘free porn’ really ended up costing you a lot, huh?” Zach grabs a container of cheese, plucking out a handful of fresh mozzarella and plopping it down onto another slab of dough. “Was it worth it?”
“Not even kind of. No offense, Delia.”
“Trust me”—she holds her hand up—“none taken.”
We fall into a silence, the only sounds in the kitchen coming from the giant knife Zach’s now moving through the onions he’s slicing.
Delia pushes her chair back and starts to stand. “Well, this has all been very inter—”
“I’m not done,” I interrupt, and she falls back into the chair.
“You’re not talking.”
“You should hear the shit running through my head.”
“Then spit it out.”
She’s so scary when she’s serious, which isn’t often.
“Fuck. Okay.” I exhale heavily. “I didn’t tell you all that to make it seem like I’m making excuses, because I’m not. I just wanted to explain what was going through my head at the time. The simple truth is, I did something stupid and wrong and dehumanizing. I shouldn’t have done it.”
I turn toward Delia for the first time. Looking into her eyes is painful, but it’s a pain I deserve.
“Delia, I’m sorry. From the very bottom of my heart, I apologize. I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I mean, I totally want it, but I’m not asking for it. I just need you to know and understand that I regret that moment in my life so, so much.”
I swivel toward my brother. He notices the movement and sets the knife down, giving me his full attention.
“I owe you an apology too, Zach. I’m sorry I betrayed your trust. I’m sorry I hurt your girlfriend, and I’m sorry I let you down.”
Neither of them say anything for a long time, so long I almost feel as if I need to leave and walk away, let the pieces fall wherever they fall.
Delia’s hand lands on my arm and I swing my attention her way, surprised.
Her lips part and I hold my breath, waiting for her words.
“First, I have to say this…” She grins. “That was the shit rolling around in your head?”
My lungs burn from the lack of oxygen and I finally take a breath, laughing heartily.
“Sorry, I’m not that good with words—probably why I always lash out with actions.”
“Hmm, makes sense.” She squeezes my arm. “Listen, I know you didn�
�t ask for it, but I’m giving it to you anyway. I forgive you, Shep, but not for you—for myself. It’s my way of letting all this go. I forgive you, but I won’t forget. I’ll always remember the betrayal and the hurt. I’m not saying things are always going to be shit between us, but don’t expect me to run up and hug you when I see you any time soon.”
“Thank you,” I say quietly. “I don’t deserve that, but thank you.”
She gives me a small smile and pulls her hand away.
“What kind?” Zach asks abruptly, moving toward the fridge.
“Huh?”
“What kind?” He drags a third slab of dough from the fridge. “Toppings—which ones do you want?”
I grin.
Pizza is Zach’s peace offering.
In that moment, I know everything with these two is going to be just fine.
If only I was so sure about things with Denny…
33
Denver
“I miss Steve.”
“You mean Shep?”
Yes. “No, I totally meant Steve.”
It feels so wrong to miss Shep when he did something so horrible, but I can’t help it. I’ve tried not to miss him. I’ve tried not to miss him with ice cream and chips and all the Oreos I could stomach, but none of it works. Not even binge-watching my favorite teenagers who use words that are way too advanced for their vocabulary to be realistic worked.
I still miss him.
It’s that it feels so right, which means it can’t be wrong…I think.
Monty crinkles her nose at me. “Steve’s the pug, right?”
“The cutest pug in the whole freakin’ world, yes.”
“She totally means Shep,” Zoe says, squeezing back between me and Monty on the couch. “Doesn’t she, Delia?”
“She does!” Delia calls from the kitchen.
We’re having a girls’ night, sans Allie, who is still on her honeymoon. How that lucky bitch can afford two weeks away on her salary is beyond me.
“It doesn’t make you a bad person, Denny,” Delia says, popping into the living room from around the corner. “It makes you human. You’re allowed to miss him.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
She sits cross-legged on the floor, a bowl of cereal balanced precariously on her lap. “If you’re harboring feelings of hatred toward Shep because of me then you’re harboring those feelings for the wrong reasons. I don’t hate Shep. I hate what he did, but I don’t hate him. We had a long talk over the weekend and we’re in a better place now.”
I sit forward. “You talked to him?”
“He came over for personal pizzas and finally gave me a real apology. It was…actually kind of nice. He was nice. Letting go of that hurt was nice. I mean, I’ll never forget what he did, but I can be adult enough to move on from it.”
She shovels a few bites of cereal into her mouth and shrugs.
“He…apologized?”
“Vwep,” she answers, milk dribbling out of her full mouth.
“In case you were wondering, that’s Delia speak for yes.” Zoe pinches her arm. “You pig.”
Looking embarrassed, Delia swallows and uses her t-shirt to wipe her chin off. “Sorry, I mean, yes, he did. He made sure to tell me he wasn’t doing it for you or himself, but for me.”
“Did he mean it?”
“You know, back when he first apologized, it was the most awkward thing of my life. It was completely half-assed and he wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.” She sets her bowl aside and pulls her knees up to her chest. “But when he was sitting in our kitchen, he faced me straight on, and it wasn’t like the first time at all. It wasn’t rehearsed or forced. It was genuine.”
I consider her words, rolling them around in my head.
She rests her hand on my leg. “It’s okay to forgive him. I do.”
“You do?”
“Yes. I can’t hold on to all that anger forever. It’s not me. He made a mistake. He apologized. He’s my boyfriend’s brother. I can’t freeze him out forever.”
“You totally could,” Zoe interjects.
“But that’s not who I am, Zoe, and you know that. Hell, you should know that better than anyone. I mean, I did totally give you permission to date my ex-boyfriend.”
“And I love you for that, I really do. Caleb is…” She fans herself. “Gah, I can’t.”
“He is pretty cute,” Monty chimes in.
“I know! And that baseball cap.” Zoe practically swoons. “Okay, okay, I’m done.”
“Are you? Need a few minutes alone in Denny’s bathroom?”
“You are not doing that in my apartment!”
Zoe shrugs. “I’ll just wait until everyone’s asleep.”
“You’re all a bunch of horndogs,” I grumble, sinking lower onto the couch.
“You’re just jealous because we all have hot wieners at home waiting for us and you don’t.”
“Oh my god, way to rub it in my face, Montana!”
“Can I just say Robbie was right? You saying wiener is the funniest fucking thing I’ve heard in my entire life.” Zoe taps around on her phone and shoves it into Monty’s face. “Say it again. I want to record this shit.”
Monty’s face flames red. “N-No!” She shoves the phone away. “You are like the female Robbie. It’s so creepy.”
“Creepy or cute?” Zoe argues. “Say wiener!”
“No, you creep! Go away!”
Monty flies off the couch, darting down the hall with Zoe hot on her heels, teasing her the entire way.
Delia laughs and pulls herself up on the couch, making herself comfortable next to me.
“You know, I used to believe in love and fate and the universe. I thought they were pushing me toward Shep, but now…now I’m not so sure. I don’t know how any of that is possible knowing what he did.”
“Wanna know my theory?” she says after a few moments of silence.
“Shoot.”
“I think maybe the universe is pushing you toward Shep, and I think that’s because you make him a better person.”
“But do I, Delia? I mean, look what he did to you because of me. That doesn’t scream good person to me.”
“I’m not going to be mad at you for loving Shep. It’s okay. You shouldn’t be basing your decision to be with him off me anyway. Even if he never apologized, I still wouldn’t judge you if you were with him.”
“Love?” I choke out. “Who said anything about love?”
She bumps her shoulder against mine. “You can’t fool me. I know what it’s like to love a Hastings/Clark family member. It’s exhausting and thrilling and that all-consuming kind of love. Even when you don’t want to love them, you do.”
I nod.
“It’s okay to be mad at him and still love him, to want to wring his neck and kiss him all at once. No one is perfect. Sure, what Shep did was exceptionally wrong, but that doesn’t make him a bad person entirely. He actually spent a good portion of Sunday telling us about the children’s diabetes charity he’s part of.”
My lips involuntarily curl into a smile as I think of how excited Shep gets when he hears how much money has been raised for the charity at each gala we attend.
“He’s so proud of it. The only time I’ve ever seen him so passionate about something and interested is when he’s talking about baseball.”
“And you,” she adds. “He’s like that when he’s talking about you too.”
“Moooooonty!” Zoe bangs against the bedroom door. “Just say wiener!”
“Go away!”
Delia and I fall into a fit of laughter.
I don’t know what the future holds for me and Shep, but I do know I feel better knowing he stepped up and did the right thing by Delia and Zach. It doesn’t erase all the worries I have about our future, but it’s a start.
And a start is better than nothing.
“So what’s going to happen with your article? Did you finish it?”
“Almost, but now I’m not sur
e I’ll be able to submit it. I didn’t quite finish out the agreement I had with Shep, so I don’t know how ethical it would be to run something.”
“I don’t think Shep will, like, go after you or anything,” Delia says, trying to reassure me.
“Did you think he would send a naked photo of you out to the entire baseball team?”
She opens her mouth then slams it closed again, shaking her head. “Touché.”
“He wasn’t always a total jerk, you know.”
“I don’t think he was ever a jerk. I just don’t believe he thinks things through very well and acts on feelings rather than rationale. He just needs to…grow up a bit.”
“How can you be so chill about all this?” I ask her. “So forgiving?”
“I learned a long time ago that I could harbor bad emotions for people and let them eat away at me, or I could face those emotions head-on and be happy.” She smiles. “I choose happy.”
“Choose happy, huh? Even if you’re scared?”
“Oh god, especially if you’re scared. That’s usually the best kind of happy.”
“I like you, Delia. I think I might keep you around for a while.”
“I got that on video for Allie! Don’t you dare try to replace me, Delia!”
Delia whips a pillow Zoe’s way, smacking her phone out of her hand. “Monty’s right, you are a creep.”
“Ha! Take that, you wiener!”
“NO!” Zoe whines, scrambling for her phone and rushing back down the hall. “Say it again! I wasn’t recording!”
“Do they make you want to nap too?” Delia says.
“All the time.”
“Have you read the paper today?”
“Um, Allie, I work at the paper.”
“Yes, I know, but you work in the sports department. Have you read the rest of the paper?”
“No. Why?”
She sighs. “Look in the personals.”
“Allie, if this is another attempt to get me interested in someone else to get over Shep, it’s not going to work.”
“It’s not,” she promises. “Just go look. I’ll stay on the line.”
“Ugh,” I groan. “Let me go grab a copy.”
“I can’t believe you don’t read your own paper.”
“Hush, Allie.”
Texting (The Complete Series Page 86