by Janet Albert
Jamie swept Miranda into her arms, lifted her off the floor and twirled her around. "Alone at last," she said, before kissing Miranda soundly on the lips.
Miranda kissed her back. "What do you say we go to your place?"
"We'll leave soon, but I have something I have to do first. Come to my office with me and keep me company." Jamie headed to her office with Miranda in tow. "I promise I'll behave until we get out of here."
"Actually, I kind of like it when you don't behave."
"Is that so?" Jamie smiled and winked. "I'll keep that in mind." She sat in front of her computer and logged on. "I've got a little work to do. Just let me finish this up and we'll get out of here. It won't take long, I promise." Jamie worked for about ten minutes while Miranda sat on the other side of the desk, reading a copy of an article about Jamie from a local newspaper.
A few more minutes passed before Miranda laid the article down. "Jamie?"
"What is it?" Jamie asked without looking at Miranda.
Miranda clasped her shaking hands together in her lap and gathered as much strength as she possessed. The brief talk she'd had with Valerie had upset her and she hadn't been able to shake it off. She knew she hadn't been fair to Jamie and she also knew that things would never be right between them until she dealt honestly and openly with her feelings. "There's something I need to talk to you about."
"Hang on a minute. I'm almost finished," Jamie kept her eyes glued to the computer monitor screen. "Just have to log off and shut her down." When the screen went black, she swiveled around in her chair, put her elbows on the desk and faced Miranda. "Okay, you've got my undivided attention. Now, what's on your mind?"
"I feel awful about something." Miranda choked the words out and her eyes filled with tears. "I have to tell you, I..." Tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Are you crying?" Jamie got out of her chair and knelt on the floor in front of Miranda. She held her trembling hands. "What's the matter?"
"I don't want you to think...I mean, I..." Miranda searched for the right words to say. "I want you to know that I heard you all those times--all those times when you told me you loved me. I'm sorry I haven't said the words back to you."
"Why haven't you?" Jamie asked. "I needed to hear them so much, but I was afraid to ask. I was afraid you hadn't said it because you didn't really love me. I thought maybe it was just a physical thing for you."
"Oh, no. I wanted to be sure, I..." Miranda turned her head away in shame. Jamie's eyes were so sad and yet they were so full of compassion.
"No. Don't turn away." Jamie gently used her hand to turn Miranda's face toward her. "Look at me, Miranda. I asked you this on the ship and I'm asking you again. Who was she and what did she do to you? Whatever it was, it's coming between us and it always will unless you tell me about it and get it off your chest once and for all."
"I know you're right. I need to talk about this." Miranda squeezed Jamie's hands and drew in a deep breath. She looked down at her lap while she talked. "Her name was Ellen. I met her in the hospital while I was doing my residency. She was an administrator and she was so gorgeous, she knocked me off my feet. I fell for her right away and I fell hard, Jamie. I couldn't help it, I just..."
"Go on, keep talking. You're doing fine."
"She was attractive and sexy and flirtatious and it seemed like everyone wanted to be with her, but she chose me. She said she only wanted to be with me...no one else. Soon after we met, we became lovers and soon after that we bought a house together. We lived together for eight years, but she..." Miranda wiped a tear from her cheek.
"I can see where this is headed, you think..."
"Wait. Let me get this out while I still can." Miranda took another deep breath. "I was proud to be the one she chose to be with. Everyone we knew envied us and I'm ashamed to admit it, but it made me feel very special to be the one she wanted. I talked myself into believing that her constant flirting was harmless."
"So that's why you didn't like it when you thought I was flirting?"
"I had no right to judge you like that, Jamie." Miranda allowed her eyes to seek solace in Jamie's eyes and in them she found the courage to continue. "I tried hard not to let her behavior bother me--I'm not usually a possessive person or anything like that. I never thought her flirting was serious or that it would lead to anything." Miranda hung her head again and closed her eyes.
"Go on. Tell me the rest." Jamie lifted Miranda's chin and met her sad eyes.
"The first time I caught on to the fact that she was cheating was right after our fourth anniversary. We had a party and one of our friends brought someone new along. She was really cute and Ellen flirted shamelessly with her. At the end of the evening, they were standing off in the corner, alone, and I saw the woman hand Ellen a piece of paper. When I asked about it later, she said it was just the name of a restaurant, but I suspected phone numbers had been exchanged. I told her what I thought and she laughed it off--said I was imagining things." Miranda paused, tears now running in steady streams down her cheeks. "I...I believed her."
Jamie tenderly wiped them away. "Don't stop now, you're doing fine."
"Right after that, she started staying late at work. Then the emergency weekend trips began, usually when I had to work or couldn't go with her. She'd tell me a friend broke up with someone and needed to talk or her mother was sick or she had to do something for work. I thought she was up to something, but I wanted to believe her, I needed to believe her, so I fooled myself into thinking I did."
"Do you think she was with that woman?"
Miranda nodded. "I knew it in my heart and about two months later after it was over between them she admitted it--but that wasn't the only woman and those weren't the only lies. Now that I look back on it, I bet I didn't even know the half of what she was up to. Boy, could she ever lie...so convincingly, so easily."
"I'm so sorry." Jamie kissed her hand.
"You must think I was stupid to have believed her lies."
"No, no I don't. I think she was the stupid one."
"Well, I think I was stupid and foolish. I'm so ashamed of myself. I just didn't want to believe that she would do those things to me. How could she say she loved me and then do those things to me?" Miranda shook her head, her face filled with pain. "How could anyone do those things to someone?" She looked at Jamie, knowing that she could not answer those questions--knowing that no one could.
"I don't know. I just don't know. Why didn't you leave her?"
"I should have, but each time I threatened to leave, she'd stop fooling around, she'd promise me she'd never do it again, she'd say she loved me--blah, blah, blah. Our life would be good again for a while and then she'd start all over with someone new. I can't tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep knowing she was with someone else. I used to curse at myself for being in love with someone so shallow and cruel."
"Loving her wasn't the problem."
"But I knew how she was and I should have known better than to get involved with someone like her. She was beautiful, but she was deadly. I guess I thought if I loved her enough for both of us, my love would change her, somehow." Miranda was silent for a moment. "You know what I regret the most?"
"What, my love?"
"That I didn't leave her before she left me. You don't know how I wish I had. One night I came home from work and she was moving out. It was humiliating."
"Don't blame yourself because she was a rotten person. It's not easy to walk away from someone you love. I know it wouldn't be for you." Jamie rubbed Miranda's arm. "Tell me the truth. Are you thinking I might cheat on you and leave you like she did?"
"No, maybe..." Miranda looked at the floor. "I don't know."
"I wouldn't. Look at me Miranda. I wouldn't."
Miranda looked up at Jamie. "How can you say that?"
"Because it's not my style and because I'd never do anything like that to you. I love you and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I promise you if our relationship isn't working, you'
ll be the first to know and we'll decide what to do about it, together."
"But you're even more attractive than she was. I see the way people look at you. You could have anyone...anyone at all."
"But I told you I don't..."
"Listen, Jamie. I understand that monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, I really do. I don't have a problem with that. It's just that it feels right for me. I guess it's how I'm put together, emotionally."
"Well, it happens to be the right fit for me and I'm nothing like her. I want to build a life with someone I can count on. I want that someone to be you."
"But, what if you get tired of me? When our relationship gets comfortable and routine, it might not be so exciting for you anymore."
"I like comfortable," Jamie persisted. "And besides, how could I ever get tired of you? You're intelligent and fun to be with and I can't imagine ever getting tired of looking at you, talking to you or making love to you."
"You really mean it?"
"I mean it with all my heart, so stop trying to talk me out of this relationship, because I'm not giving up on you." Jamie brought Miranda's hands to her mouth and kissed them and with her eyes closed, she pleaded, "Please take a chance on me and don't let your fear ruin what we have. I couldn't bear to lose you again, not now."
"What if you decide you want someone else?"
Jamie sighed. "Miranda, I really think you should stop holding my looks against me. Just because I'm attractive does not mean I'm frivolous and irresponsible."
"I don't, I..."
Jamie held her finger against Miranda's lips, just for a second. "Yes, you do. I never have enjoyed the kind of attention I get because of my looks. It's superficial and meaningless. If so many people want me, how come I'm so alone? I don't see anyone waiting in line just to be there for me when I'm sick or upset or feeling lonely. You're the only one."
"It breaks my heart to think of you being lonely."
"Well I have been. It makes me feel even more lonely when people want to be with me, but don't care about who I am inside. That's the worst feeling of all."
"I care about you and I know how beautiful you are inside--how tender and loving and sweet you are. I don't want you to be lonely, ever again." Miranda brought Jamie's hand to her face, pressed it against her cheek and closed her eyes.
"I want so much for you to trust me, Miranda. You're the prettiest woman I've ever known and yet I don't think that means I can't trust you."
"I want to trust you. Tell me I can."
"You can." Jamie looked her straight in the eye. "I promise I won't let you down. I'm as sure about us as I can possibly be and I want you more than anything."
"Don't you know you have me? I want you as much as you want me."
"Thank God," Jamie whispered.
"There's something else I want you to know. I love how sexy and attractive you are. I love to look at you and touch you. I love everything about you. There's no one but you."
"Then what worries you so much?"
"I can't explain it. I feel so silly."
"You're not silly. You feel things deeply and they mean a lot to you."
"I was so hurt by her, Jamie. That's why I left Raleigh and moved here to be near my sister. That's why I went to work on the cruise ships." Miranda sought refuge in Jamie's soothing blue eyes and for the first time, she felt the bitter stench of her past float away like a patch of foul air. The corners of her mouth lifted a little, then a little more, and then she lit up with a full-blown smile and said, "Ellen can go to hell for all I care. She never was worth it and she never deserved me."
"Yeah, to hell with Ellen. It's her loss." Jamie smiled back.
"Jamie, my sweet, sweet, Jamie. I know I should just let this happen."
"Why don't you?" Jamie asked. "Because I love you so much."
Miranda stood up, pulling Jamie with her. "You must know how much I love you by now, but it's time I actually told you." She held Jamie at arms length and looked into her eyes. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you."
Jamie laughed softly, kissed Miranda and gathered her into her arms. "Now, that just might begin to make up for all the times you couldn't tell me." She laid her cheek against Miranda's and stroked her hair. "I have a confession to make. It almost broke my heart when you didn't say the words back to me. I thought you loved me from the way you looked at me, the way you wanted me, the way you acted toward me, but I had to face the fact that you might not love me and I would have died if that were true."
"I wanted to say it, so many times. I love you with all my heart and I don't want you to ever think that I don't, not for one more minute."
"When did you first know you loved me?"
"I fell in love with you that night on the deck when you held me for the first time. You were so tender." Miranda's face filled with pain again. "I made such a terrible mistake when I let you go. I'd already given you my heart and when I left you on the ship, I left it behind. I longed for you all those months and yet, I can't explain why I didn't call or try to find you. When I think of how I almost lost you forever, I can't bear it."
"You didn't lose me because we were meant to be together."
"Thank God, because losing you would have been the worst thing that ever happened to me." Miranda snuggled into Jamie's neck and ran her hands up and down Jamie's back. "I want to be happy, Jamie, and I'm the happiest when I'm with you."
"Happy doesn't begin to describe the way I feel when I'm with you." Jamie kissed her and stepped away. "Look, Doctor, I'm done here, so if you're ready, why don't we go to my place? I want to spend the rest of the night showing you how much I love you."
"You already have. It's me that needs to show you."
"You already have." Jamie's face changed. "Hold on a minute, I've got one more question before we leave."
"What is it?" Miranda furrowed her brow. What was Jamie up to? She looked serious a moment ago and now a tiny gremlin of a smirk lurked beneath the surface.
"Where are we going for our honeymoon?"
"Our honeymoon?" Miranda's brow softened and she grinned from ear to ear. Holding the tip of her index finger to her cheek, she pretended to be deep in thought. "Boy, that's a tough one...let me see. What would be special enough?"
"It has to be very special."
"I've got it! How about a Mediterranean cruise?"
"That's funny, very funny." Jamie laughed.
"No? Had enough of that, huh?" Miranda laughed, feeling happier than she had in years. "I have a better idea. Let's go back to Venice. I should have been there with you that day you asked me to go and I said no. I wanted to see it with you. Then we could head down to Florence and Tuscany or anywhere else in Italy you'd like to see."
"Ah...Venice." Jamie's face lit up and she beamed. "Yeah, Venice. Now, that might be special enough for the two of us."
"I think so. At least it's a good place to start."
The End
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About the Author
Janet Albert was born and raised in Johnson City, New York. After living and working in Philadelphia for many years, first as a trauma and critical care nurse and then later as a school nurse, she moved to a place of solitude in the scenic mountains of Northeastern Pennsylvania where she lives with her partner, Mary, and two cats. Besides spending enormous amounts of time writing, she enjoys reading, traveling, being out in nature and delighting her family and friends with her cooking skills.
Because she's an avid fan of lesbian romance fiction, she hopes to make a contribution by writing the kinds of stories she enjoys reading. She also hopes to add to the ever increasing number of books that celebrate and affirm the lives of lesbians. After all, it seems there are never enough of them.