by Emily Mayer
Jack chuckled, finally giving me back his eyes. "What about you?
"Me?" I questioned.
"Yeah, you. Do you miss being a lawyer?"
I mentally kicked myself for opening the door to this question, but fair was fair. It was my turn to sigh and look away. I took a moment to organize my thoughts.
"No, I don't miss it at all. I miss the idea of it, and if I’m being honest, I miss saying it. Like when people ask, ‘So Evelyn, what do you do?’ I miss that, I don’t know, sense of satisfaction I always got from saying, ‘Oh, I’m a lawyer.’ God, that sounds so dumb and snotty." I cringed. “But I don't miss actually being a lawyer at all.”
I took another bite of soup, letting the warm liquid heat all the places that had gone cold when he asked the question. Thinking about the past, about the future, gave me intense feelings of anxiety. Almost verging on panic. I fought the feeling, focusing on the soup and the stillness of the night.
"Is that what you wanted to be, growing up?"
"Yes. No. God, I don’t even know anymore," I sighed. "I think that's the worst part. I have no idea why I went to law school. I just had this stupid plan that I had to follow."
"What was the plan?" His stare never left the side of my face. I could almost feel it boring under my skin.
"Get into a top-tier law school, make law review, get an internship, stay at the top ten percent of the class at all times, graduate with a job at a firm with a partnership track available,” I recited almost robotically.
"Jesus."
"Yep, Jesus." I nodded my head, turning to look at him.
"It seems like you kind of hit it out of the park, though." Jack gave me a sympathetic smile.
"I did. It was pretty awful, actually. Like ‘it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it’ awful." I scrunched up my nose, thinking about that tiny little cubicle and the feeling it had given me every morning when my alarm went off.
"Why did you do it then?"
His expression was all curiosity, no judgment. I exhaled another sad, sad sigh trying to come up with an answer.
"It's kind of hard to explain. I was just so focused on the plan that I didn’t think about it. I like plans. A lot. As long as I was sticking to the plan, checking things off the list, I was happy. Or I thought I was, anyway. By the time I figured it out, it was too late."
I gave a slight shrug of my shoulders, trying to play it off like it hadn't, wasn't still, devastating me. Like my whole world didn't feel like it had slid off its axis and was spinning wildly. Jack looked at me like he knew I was lying. I wondered if it was written all over my face or if he just understood what it was like to lose a dream. I turned away, needing a reprieve from that knowing look, and focused my attention on my soup, hoping he was going to let me off the hook.
"So what now? I’m guessing working for Ben isn't the new plan."
Right, then. Guess there would be no letting off the hook.
"Maybe you should think about law school if this whole ranching thing doesn't work out." I gave him a weak smile. My voice was light and teasing, completely at odds with how I felt. "It's the right-now plan. I didn't have a backup plan, so…"
My voice trailed off, and I turned back to look up at the night sky so Jack couldn't see how wet my eyes were suddenly. The panic was welling up in my chest at a rate even faster than the tears. I blinked hard and tried to clear my throat quietly. Breathe, Evelyn. Breathe. I repeated the words over and over.
"Lucky for Ben. I don't think his last assistant could spell ‘assistant.’"
I let out a strangled noise that could have been the love child of a laugh and a sob. I faced him hoping the darkness would hide the tear that managed to slip out despite the smile forming.
"I’m sure she had an impressive resumé."
Jack laughed, his left hand moving to rub his thigh just above the knee. The movement seemed second nature, almost involuntary. My eyes moved of their own volition to watch his hand. Warmth bloomed in my chest and spread outward. I forced myself to look back at his face.
"Sure, a real impressive… resumé. Now I know she couldn't spell that word."
I laughed a much more convincing laugh, smile stretching my cheeks, tears and panic forgotten for the moment.
"Harsh, but probably true. Don't you have to be up early? You should head to bed."
My mouth said the words, but my heart screamed for him to stay here with me in this little blanket cocoon.
"I do. You can put that on the list of things I wouldn't miss about being a rancher," he said, giving me an easy smile.
"You love it, though."
It was a statement, not a question. I knew he loved it the way I knew the sun would come up tomorrow and the day after that.
"I can't think of anything else I would want to be," he said, in a tone that left absolutely no room for doubt.
The look he gave me was the effortlessly confident Jack I knew. This Jack I could totally picture stepping into that rodeo arena—not just because I had searched the internet for him so much—and I could totally understand why he’d always had so many buckle bunnies following him around. Moral of that story: I needed to stay off the internet. This Jack also made me feel uncomfortable in my skin in all kinds of ways. The temperature under the blanket spiked at least ten degrees, and I was choking the life out of the mug of soup.
Jack fought back a yawn, stretching his legs even farther in front of him. His bare leg brushed mine, causing me to swallow a noise that would have sounded suspiciously like a moan if I had allowed it to escape. This was it. This was how I died. Spontaneous combustion caused by a leg brush. What was wrong with me? It was my migraine. My brain wasn't fully recovered yet. Yep, that was definitely it.
"Go to bed," I ordered, silently applauding myself for sounding unaffected.
He got up slowly, favoring his left side a little, and careful to make sure the blanket stayed tucked around me as he stood. Leaning forward so close that I could feel his breath wash over me, he wrapped the blanket that both our shoulders had shared tightly around me. My eyes traveled from where he still held the ends of the blankets in his hands, up toned arms and past broad shoulders, to meet his eyes. We stayed like that, so close our breaths mixed and merged between us, for long seconds, and I was sure he could hear my heart thudding wildly in my chest. Jack released the ends of the blankets abruptly and took a few steps back.
"Goodnight, Evelyn. I hope your migraine is gone tomorrow."
Just like earlier in my bedroom, Jack was through the door before I could respond, but unlike earlier, I didn't bother with a response. All my thoughts were jumbled somewhere between my chest and my stomach.
I finished my soup and sat swinging on the porch a little bit longer, completely content to watch the stars and listen to all the sounds drifting around the ranch.
When I finally did make my way back to bed, it was with the blanket Jack had tucked around us and the promise that I would ignore the uncomfortable feelings beginning to take root—starting tomorrow.
25.
Thankfully, my migraine was mostly gone when I woke up the next morning. There was only a weird pressure somewhere in the back of my skull and a tightness in my neck. A long, hot shower helped ease the tension in my muscles, and I made my way toward the kitchen, excited to get back to my new routine.
Mary greeted me first, dropping a spatula onto the counter to pull me into a tight hug.
"Good morning, honey. It's good to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"
"Much better, thank you. I think your soup must be magic,” I said, returning her hug.
"I’m just glad Gabe left you some. I don't know what it is with that boy and my soup,” she said, releasing me and turning her attention back to the eggs.
‘That boy’ swaggered into the kitchen, gloves clutched in one hand, and pulled me into a side hug.
"I’m all man, not a boy, and your soup is amazing. Glad you’re feeling better, Evie. We missed you yesterday." Gab
e kissed the top of my head before releasing me and heading to the table.
"Excuse me, ‘man,’” Mary said, correcting her previous statement. “How do you two want your eggs?"
"Scrambled, please,” I answered, making my way over to the coffee pot.
"I can do scrambled this morning. Evie," Gabe said, dragging out my name, "want to bring me a cup of coffee too?"
I laughed, shaking my head. "Only because you left me some soup, and I know now what a sacrifice that was."
I grabbed two mugs and filled them to the brim. I slid into the spot next to Gabe and placed the steaming mug in front of him.
"Do you think you’ll have time for a riding lesson today?" I asked over the brim of my cup.
"Sure, we'll make time, but you know you can take Photo out around the ring whenever you want to practice. You don't need me and Cole to help you get her tack on anymore."
"Really? You think I’m good enough to take her out on my own?" My voice sounded surprised and excited.
"Definitely. Don't try anything crazy and keep it in the ring for now, but you can walk, trot, and canter all you want."
"I am so legit now. I have cowboy boots, and I can operate a horse unsupervised." The smile on my face was so wide it almost hurt my cheeks.
Ben and Cole walked through the door, both wearing jeans that had clearly spent some time around dirt this morning, and wearing matching grim expressions on their faces. Whatever retort Gabe was working on was replaced by a knowing look and shared glances between the three men. My eyes bounced between the three, and then toward Mary to see if she was as confused as I was about the whole look thing going on. She was wearing the same frown as everyone else in the kitchen, so it looked like I was the only one left out.
Mary was the first one to recover. "What kind of eggs do you boys want?" she asked, turning her attention back to the stove. "Is Jack coming in?"
Her voice sounded like she was trying to force it to be casual when every part of her was practically screaming with concern. Her question confirmed my growing hunch that all the shared looks and frowns somehow involved Jack.
"No, he's not coming in for a while,” Ben answered trying to force the same casualness into his answer. "I'll ride him out something to eat."
"Okay, good. That's good." Mary nodded her head. "Now, how do you boys want your eggs? I have scrambled going right now."
Cole and Ben came to sit at the table, coffee mugs in hand, and took seats on the opposite side of the table.
"Scrambled is fine with me, Mary, thanks,” Cole forced out through a yawn.
"I'll be the difficult one this morning and ask for over-easy,” Ben said, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands.
"I think it's pretty safe to say you aren't the difficult one this morning,” Gabe said, giving the two men across us from a half-hearted grin. They answered with equally half-hearted chuckles and little shakes of their heads.
I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I felt like I’d woken up in a different reality and I had to put all the pieces of the puzzle together to escape back to the real world. The only thing I knew for sure was that Jack was at the center of it all. I sipped my coffee and toyed with the idea of asking what was happening. The Jack from last night had been fine—better than fine. What could have happened in the few hours between the front door closing and now?
"Is he any better since I left?" Gabe asked.
"Nope, just digging holes like a maniac and ignoring our existence,” Cole said, taking a long drink from his cup.
"Fucking great," Gabe groaned. "Sorry, Mary. I've heard worse out of your mouth, Evie, so don't look at me like that."
I punched him lightly in the arm.
"I don't know what you’re talking about. I'm a lady." The other two at the table both gave incredulous huffs. "You're all obviously delusional."
I slid out of my spot to help Mary dish out eggs and toast, while trying to eavesdrop on the hushed conversation coming from the table. I was starting to get a little annoyed at being the only one out of the loop, especially when the conversation came to a stop after I sat down.
The subject changed to what needed to be done around the ranch today, who was doing what, and when Ben would be back from dropping Rodney off at the airfield. I had forgotten Rodney was leaving today; I must have missed his farewell dinner last evening. Nuts.
Breakfast finished and dishes cleaned, I headed out of the house toward King's enclosure. King had been putting on some weight since the first time I’d seen him, and his ribs were no longer sticking out. He still wouldn't let anyone close enough to get a good look at his cuts, but the vet had given Jack a general antibiotic to put in his food that would hopefully stave off infection.
"Good morning," I called to King, hoisting myself up onto the first rung of the fence. "Sorry I didn’t come to see you yesterday. I had a bad migraine. You would not have wanted to see me with a migraine. It's not a pretty sight."
King's ears twitched, turning toward me and back again. Cole had explained to me that you can tell a lot about how a horse is feeling by watching its ears. According to Cole, King’s forward-facing ears meant that he was paying attention to me. He took a couple of tentative steps in my direction before coming to a stop.
"I hate to break it you, buddy, but it sounds like you have pretty stiff competition for head drama queen today. It sounds like Jack may steal the crown from you. I know—shocking, right?"
King's tail gave the slow swish I knew was meant to swat at flies before he took a few more steps in my direction. I forced my face and voice to remain calm, trying to keep my excitement over his movements in check so I didn't scare him.
"I don't know what to think about his mood. I actually don't know what that mood is, but judging from everyone who’s seen him today, it's not good," I sighed, resting my chin on my forearms. "It's weird. Yesterday when I was miserable, he brought me a ginger ale and checked on me. Then he sat with me on the porch swing and was all… I don't know… kind? So of course, I spent a ridiculous amount of time lying in bed this morning worrying about seeing him this morning. I mean, I don't have a great track record of not being awkward. Now I’m worried his mood is somehow my fault, which is stupid. What age do you think girls stop being stupid about boys?"
King was actually walking in my direction now—not taking tentative steps, but walking steadily toward me. I watched him carefully, pretty much holding my breath until my lungs were burning. He finally came to a stop so close to me I could feel his breath on my arms. Nothing had prepared me for this moment. I literally had no idea what I was supposed to do to not scare him away. I decided to play it cool, way cooler than I felt, and kept my chin on my crossed arms. Baby steps. Baby steps.
"Holy shit."
I heard Cole's voice from somewhere behind me, but I refused to turn my head around to look for him.
"I know. He's never gotten this close to me before. Maybe you should stay back there?" I said, keeping my voice at a normal volume.
No one said anything for a heartbeat. I just watched King, who watched me. I had no idea what Cole was doing back there. It was King who finally decided he’d had enough, and he walked to the other side of his pen, not bothering to look back. Honestly, I thought King and Jack might be soulmates. They both had that aloof, silent thing down to a science.
"Okay, well, I'll see you later then," I called, hopping down from my spot on the fence.
I turned around to find two stunned faces looking at me like I had just invented fire.
"What?" I said, raising both palms up toward the sky. "I told you he’s walked toward me before!"
"Don't get all mad, now, but—I can't speak for Cole, but I thought you had maybe misunderstood the situation,” Gabe said.
"Misunderstood?" I said, hands moving to my hips.
"I think what Gabe means is that we thought King was just moving around his paddock at the same time you were there, and you saw a connection between the two,” Cole answered
for Gabe, playing the role of peacemaker.
"Okay, rude, but I forgive you both. Do you believe me now?" I looked from one to the other; they were both nodding.
"Here's the thing, Evie. You've clearly got something going on between you two"—Gabe motioned between me and the general direction of King—"and I, we, are going to figure out what to do with it. But the timing is not great."
"Not great,” Cole echoed.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"Jack is just dealing with some things right now and he’s probably not going to listen to what anyone says until he works it out,” Cole said, a slightly nervous note punctuating his words.
"What kind of things?" I said, my voice taking on a slightly irritated tone.
The two men looked at each other, having some sort of silent conversation with their eyes and a few shakes of their heads. I huffed impatiently, more than a little annoyed at being left out of both this conversation and whatever was going on again. I was about two seconds from stomping my foot when they reached some sort of conclusion. Gabe rubbed the back of his neck and then adjusted his baseball cap. I knew this was his signature nervous move.
"Leigh called this morning,” Gabe finally managed to say, with a slight edge to his voice.
"Leigh called this morning?" I parroted his words back to him in question form. They sounded bitter in my mouth. "Oh. What did she want?"
"No idea. Nothing good. That girl has always been nothing but trouble,” Gabe answered. Cole nodded his head in agreement, his face uncharacteristically tense.
I swallowed down the awful feeling that had started to spread from the bottom of my stomach outward at the mention of Jack's former fiancée. I felt a strange sense of relief that these two men who I liked so much were obviously not members of the Leigh Decker fan club.
"Is Jack okay?" I tried to make my voice sound the right mix of concerned and curious, while shoving down the undeniable anxiety that was bubbling below the surface.
Cole answered this time. "He's taking his frustration out on the fence."