by Emily Mayer
“So?” She scrunched up her nose, sounding genuinely confused.
“So, Jack obviously can’t just pack up and move to Chicago, and I can’t just move out here…” I let my voice trail off.
“Why not?”
“Why not what?” It was my turn to be confused.
“Why couldn’t you move here? People do it all the time. You weren’t happy in Chicago, but you’re happy here.” She held up a hand to keep me from interrupting. “You are happy here. I can tell. And you love Jack. You said it yourself. I don’t see what the issue is.”
“I have an apartment! And a job. And… people. I can’t just pack up and move across the country,” I said, offering the saddest defense in history.
“Wow, that’s quite the list. Yeah, I can see why you wouldn’t want to leave all that behind.” Sarcasm dripped from her words. “Sublet your apartment, quit the job you’re way overqualified for, and figure the rest out.”
“I don’t know, Margot. I feel like I’m too old to start over.” She rolled her eyes. “I realize I’m not a senior citizen, but I should have it figured out by now, you know? Starting over just seems so much more daunting when you have student loans and health insurance and leases.”
“Evelyn, no one ever has it figured out. I’m basically parenting on whatever Google tells me. I legitimately took pregnancy advice from Wikipedia the other day.” She reached over and squeezed my hand. “But most importantly, it’s never too late to be happy.”
43.
Lying in bed later, Margot’s words kept replaying in my head. My mind and body refused to settle. I rolled over, careful not to crush Hank Williams, and checked the time for what felt like the millionth time since I’d lain down. The clock read 11:26, exactly fifteen minutes from the last time I’d checked.
I got up and made my way to the bathroom to get a glass of water. Halfway across the room, I changed my mind. I knew what I needed, and it wasn’t water. I cracked my door open and quietly padded down the hallway, coming to a stop outside Jack’s door. I took a deep breath and knocked softly. I listened for any sound on the other side. Nothing. I waited another few breaths and then knocked again, just a little louder this time.
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, second-guessing this plan. I had just turned to creep back to my room when Jack’s door swung open. He stood there, one hand braced on the door, wearing nothing but a low-slung pair of athletic shorts. Involuntarily my eyes swept from his sleep-tousled hair across his broad chest, then down those abs that looked like they’d been carved. I swallowed.
“Evelyn?’ Jack’s voice sounded like gravel, and his eyes, heavy with sleep, swept over me, taking in my sleep shorts and cotton shirt. I felt overdressed and not covered up enough, at the same time.
“I couldn’t sleep.” I forced myself to stop fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. “Can I come in?”
It felt like a pit had opened near my stomach, and my heart dropped through it while I waited for his answer. He didn’t know it, but he was witnessing what could be the boldest non-tequila-fueled moment of my life. I was terrified he would he say no.
He cleared his throat, stepping back into the room a little. “Yeah, of course you can come in.”
I gave him a shaky smile as I walked through the door, aware of the heat coming off him as I passed. I took in as much of the room as I could in the dark. The king-sized bed with rumpled sheets immediately grabbed my attention. I stopped a few feet from the bed and turned to face him. He was still standing by the closed door watching me with a curious look on his face.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. “I was thinking I could sleep with you. If that’s okay, I mean. We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. We can just sleep.”
Please say no, please say no, please say no. My thoughts were totally at odds with my words as I watched his chest move up and down where he stood across from me praying he was as uninterested in sleep as I was right now. I thought I might actually die if I didn’t get to put my hands on all of that soon.
My words finally seemed to penetrate Jack’s brain. I watched as his expression changed from sleepy and curious to predatory. His long legs ate up the distance between us. I sucked in a breath as his hands found my shoulders in the dark.
“Yeah, I don’t feel like sleeping.”
I barely registered the heated look in his eyes before his mouth was on mine. There was nothing sweet or soft about this kiss. I parted my lips, gladly granting his tongue access. His tongue swept my mouth again and again, making me dizzy. I lifted up on tiptoes so I could sink my hands into the too-long hair at his neck for purchase. Jack groaned, and started walking us back slowly.
My knees hit the bed, knocking my legs out from under me. Jack looked down at me with hooded eyes, causing heat to pool low in my stomach. I had to fist the covers to keep from pinching myself.
“Is this okay?” Jack rasped out.
I nodded my head, way too enthusiastically to be anything close to sexy.
“Yes, definitely okay. So okay.” My voice sounded unusually husky in my own ears.
Jack mumbled something about too many clothes, and then his hands were beneath my shirt. I felt a moment of panic when his rough hands traveled across the soft flesh of my sides and across a stomach that was not now and never had been flat. I was a normal human, and this man had been engaged to a model. I fought against the urge to stop him, to keep my arms trapped at my sides, as he slowly pulled my shirt up and over my head. The cotton dragging across my heated skin was replaced by cool air, the contrast causing shivers to dance across my skin. Jack’s stare felt like it had weight as it traveled over my exposed chest. I felt my nipples harden into tight peaks in response, desperate for attention.
“God, you’re so beautiful.” His words instantly chased away my insecurities. One of his massive hands moved to palm my breast while the other went to work tugging the band out of my hair, sending it spilling down my back.
“Love your hair, baby.”
His voice was just a whisper across my mouth, quickly replaced by his lips. He kissed me slowly, savoring the contact now that skin was touching skin. The rough pad of his thumb tugged at one nipple before cupping my other breast, sending sparks throughout my body. His other hand tangled in my hair, tilting my head to give him better access. I almost came off the bed when his mouth left mine and traveled to that hidden spot between my neck and ear. He bit the sensitive flesh gently before licking the sting away. My hands gripped his biceps, my nails digging into hard muscle.
“Jack. Jack, I need you,” I begged, almost drunk with longing.
He stood back, his hooded eyes echoing the same need. In one quick movement, he shoved his pants down, and then his hands were on my shoulders gently pushing me back as he crawled over me. My heartbeat was frantic as my hands found his chest, exploring all those beautiful muscles I had been secretly admiring ever since I’d seen him standing at the airport. My mouth followed my hands, kissing every dip, every ridge I could reach.
I whimpered in protest when Jack sat back on his knees, grabbing my wrists and pinning them above my head. He gave me a grin that made me strain against his grip.
“My turn,” he growled, grinding his hips into me. His head dipped down to dot kisses along my neck, sucking and nibbling a path to my collarbone. When the wet warmth of his mouth found my nipple, my entire body jerked at the contact.
“Jack, please.”
Meaningless words tumbled from me as his tongue licked a warm path to the other breast, laving the neglected nipple with the tongue I was growing fonder of by the second. He let go of my wrists and caressed the ticklish skin by my ribs, his thumbs toying with the underside of my breasts.
I moved my hands to thread through his hair, tugging it roughly to get his mouth back where I needed it. He groaned, and I tugged a little more roughly this time, until his mouth found mine again. His hands were on my hips, lifting me just enough to shove my shorts and underwear off in one
fluid move.
Panic tugged at the corners of my lust-fogged brain when Jack sank back on his heels to stare at my completely naked form. Goosebumps appeared every place his gaze landed. Almost unconsciously, my hands came up to cover the slight curve of my belly. Jack’s gaze flicked to where my hands lay, in a position that was more appropriate for an exam table at a doctor’s office than in the middle of sex.
“What are you doing?” His eyes traveled from my hands to my eyes. I could feel the blush start on my chest, rapidly spreading to my face. I groaned, mind racing with ways to avoid answering. I was completely naked, spread out like a freaking Thanksgiving feast for this man, and I was dreading giving him this one little truth.
I shook my head from side to side, slamming my eyes shut. “My stomach. It’s not nice. I don’t really… I don’t like it.”
I cracked my eyes open when I felt Jack’s hands covering mine. He smiled down at me as he lifted each hand, turning them so our fingers were laced together. Pinning my hands by my head, he leaned forward until his mouth was next to my ear. When he took the lobe between his teeth, all thoughts fled my head. I squirmed beneath him.
“That’s better.” I felt the curve of his smile against my ear. He kissed a path straight down my middle, lingering a little in the valley between my breasts.
“For the record, I love every single part of your body,” he said between kisses. “You don’t even know what you do to me. You’re fucking perfect, baby.”
His hands deserted mine to wander down my body. My fingers found their way into his hair just as his fingers parted me. His thumb swirled around the bundle of nerves at my center, making invisible patterns that left me panting. His lips found that spot on my neck again as one long finger dipped inside. My hips moved to grind against his hand without conscious thought. He increased the speed to match my hips’ frantic movements, and I almost exploded when a second finger joined the first, stretching me almost painfully. My muscles clenched around his fingers, urging him on, begging him for more.
“No, no no,” I pleaded when Jack’s fingers left me. I saw him reach for something on the dresser, followed by the sound of plastic tearing.
He chuckled, lowering himself onto his elbows so we were pressed chest to chest. One of those big hands swept down my side cupping my leg behind the knee. I felt his hardness pressed at my center, and I lifted my hips to meet him. Jack slid inside me, slowly stretching me, inch by inch.
I released a sound, some combination of whimper and moan, and I could hear Jack’s rough curse near my ear. I dug my fingers into his forearms, the corded muscles there bunching as my nails carved little half-moons into his skin. Then his restraint snapped and he filled me with one quick thrust.
A startled gasp tore from me as long-neglected muscles came to life and adjusted to the welcome invasion. Jack’s forehead dropped to mine, his breath coming in short bursts.
“Jesus, you feel so good, baby. Are you okay?” His eyes searched mine, looking for any hesitation.
I nodded, words escaping me. Satisfied with my nod, he started making wide circles with his hips until I was writhing beneath him and begging for more, more, more. I was always begging this man for more.
Jack began pumping into me with slow, languid strokes. The hand cupping my leg squeezed it roughly, and his mouth found one nipple, then the other, rolling them between his teeth. His pace increased when my hips moved to meet each thrust. He hitched my leg higher, fingers biting into my flesh, deepening the angle each time he drove into me. I felt release building in me like a wave, so intense that my hands grabbed onto those broad shoulders for fear it might sweep me away. With one more thrust, I exploded around him, coming so hard I literally saw stars.
Jack’s pace became more frantic, his strokes getting shorter until he buried himself inside me with one deep thrust that made my sensitive muscles spasm. He grunted my name as he came, giving me some weird primal satisfaction in my post-orgasm bliss. I smiled as his mouth found mine for a quick kiss before he collapsed on top of me, careful not to completely crush me under his weight.
I rubbed my hands over his back and up over his shoulders until they were buried back in his hair. He sighed, then rolled us over so I was draped over him like a blanket. I rested my chin on his chest and peered up at him. He wore a satisfied smile that made my heart do a happy dance I was sure even he could feel.
“How did I get so lucky?” he asked, one hand stroking a path through my hair. The vulnerability I heard in his voice told me he was genuinely curious.
I kissed the spot on his chest where my chin had just been resting. “I was just wondering the same thing.”
I felt his laugh shaking my whole body. I smiled up at him, rolling off of him reluctantly. We lay in silence for a minute, just long enough for my mind to start racing. What’s the post-sex protocol if you live in the same house but aren’t living together-together? Do I go back to my room? Do I stay here? Is this weird? Am I being weird? When can we do that again?
I smiled up at him, rolling off him reluctantly. “I should let you get some sleep, I guess.”
Strong arms wrapped around my waist, and I was on my back before my feet had even hit the ground. I huffed, staring up at Jack with surprise.
“Where are you going?” he asked, his playful smile softening the harsh tone of the question.
“Umm, back to my room?” My answer came out sounding more like a question. Cool, confident Evelyn had officially left the building.
“Dining and dashing, huh?” He pressed kisses to each corner of my mouth. “I thought you wanted to sleep with me.”
“I did,” I pointed out, sounding a little breathless from the kisses. When he stopped to give me a confused look, I felt the need to clarify. “Sleep was code for sex. I wanted sex. Sex with you.”
I felt that familiar rush of heat flooding my cheeks as Jack pressed his lips together, clearly amused by my explanation.
“Ah, thank you for clarifying.” I swatted his chest playfully, eliciting a chuckle. “You should stay.”
“Stay?” I parroted back like an idiot, because those little kisses had started again.
“Yeah, stay here with me. Actually sleep. I’m not ready to let you go yet.”
There was absolutely no way I was saying no to that offer. “I like that idea better.”
Jack pressed a quick kiss to my forehead and hopped out of the bed. I watched his perfect backside make its way toward the bathroom. It was hard to believe all that was mine. I wished I had my phone, so I could sneak a picture to memorialize this sight forever.
I snuggled under the covers, surrounding myself with his smell. I inhaled deeply, needing the reminder that this was real life. A few seconds later, Jack slid under the covers and pulled me into his side until my head was resting on the slab of concrete that was his chest. This man.
“Are you comfortable?” Jack’s voice rumbled through his chest, making my head bob a bit.
“Yes,” I lied. He leisurely stroked my hair with one hand, and I almost purred, every part of me humming with contentment. I listened as his breathing evened out and his hand eventually came to rest on my shoulder. I fought the urge to fall asleep, wanting to experience as much of being snuggled up against Jack, surrounded by his warmth, as I could. Hoarding up the moments for when I was alone in Chicago, wishing I could be right here. The thud, thud, thud of his heartbeat was the last sound I heard before sleep won.
44.
I yawned, slowly blinking open my eyes against the bright sun drifting in through the windows. My hand reached blindly for my phone on the nightstand. What time was it? I bolted upright when my hand landed on empty bed and tangled sheet. My gaze dropped down when cool air hit skin—naked skin. I looked down to confirm that I was, in fact, naked. Memories of the night washed over me, instantly heating my skin. Jack’s bed. I was in Jack’s bed. Did I caress the empty spot next to me and bring the pillow up to my nose to sniff, like a creep? I sure did.
My happi
ness was quickly replaced by the realization that I would need to find my pajamas and head back to my room. I groaned, dragging my hands down my face. How old was too old to do the walk of shame? The sun beaming in gave me a small jolt of hope that everyone would already be up and out working, allowing me to sneak back to my room. I didn’t really want to have explain to Ben why I was leaving his brother’s room in my pajamas.
I did a quick check in the mirror and smiled at my knotted hair. Once I had my hair de-sexed and my clothes straight, I paused in front of the door, listening for any noise before I opened it a crack. A quick glance down both ends of the hallway, and I was off. Montana Walk of Shame officially underway. A wave of relief crashed over me when my hand hit my room’s door handle and I pushed the slightly cracked door all the way open.
Hank was still snoring happily on the bed, clearly unconcerned with where I’d gone or why I was slinking back midmorning. I gave his belly a little good-morning rub before hopping in the shower. The warm water massaged the sore muscles I had earned in the best way.
Because I was very much still me, as I washed away all evidence of the previous night, I worried that Jack and I weren’t on the same page. I closed my eyes, tilting my head back into the spray, and recalled all the words that I had committed so carefully to memory. His love of my hair, of all the soft flesh I constantly worried about. But I clung to the one word that had weaseled its way into my heart. Stay.
Dressed in yoga pants and the ‘Bless This Mess’ sweater my sisters had gotten me when I was studying for the bar exam (I was a mess—not a hot mess, just a mess), I made my way to the kitchen, following the smell of bacon and coffee. That smell was the stuff dreams were made of. The man standing at the sink wasn’t bad either.
“Hi,” I aimed at the back I’d gotten very familiar with very recently.
Jack turned, his face wearing a warm smile that was a balm to my anxious heart. He moved toward me with those confident strides that affected my heartrate more than five shots of espresso.