by James Jones
“Of course. It would be different then. When you went to the Mainland I would go with you. I would be your wife.”
My wife, he thought. Well, why dont you do it? There was a rising desire in him to do it. Wait a minute, kid. Thats the way they all feel, all the men who finally get married. Like Dhom felt. On one side they see their freedom, and on the other they see a piece of ass right there where they can always get it, without all the bushwhacking buildup, always there handy to be reached, without the months of preparation, or the sluts that are the other alternative. What do you want?
“If I married you and took you with me,” he said cautiously, “there would be no difference. We would both be outcasts. Nobody in the States would associate with us. Anyway, just because I was married to you wouldnt mean I’d have to take you with me. Being married means nothing, to most people it means less than nothing. I know.” Like Dhom, he thought, who married for his piece of ass and after he was hooked she suddenly didnt want to give it to him any more.
“But you still dont want to marry me,” Violet said.
“You goddam right I dont,” he said, his voice rising under the sting and guilt of the truth of what she said. “If I was gonna spend my life in Wahoo it would be different. I’ll be movin all over, goin all the time. I’m a thirty year man. And I aint no officer to have the govmint pay for transportin my lovin wife all over the goddam world. As a private, I wouldnt even get subsistence for you. A guy like me aint got no business bein married. I’m a soljer.”
“Well, you see?” she said. “Why not go on like we are?”
“Because,” he said. “Because once a week just aint enough. I’d rather buy a rubber glove and flog it, see?”
“Theres a war comin in this country. I want to be in on it. I dont want to be held down by nothin that will keep me out of it. Because I am a soljer.”
Violet had lain back in her chair and rested her head against the back, her hands dangling, dangling over the ends of the arms of it. She kept on looking at him, curiously, across the chair back. “Well,” she said. “You see?”
Prew stood up and stepped toward her. “Why in hell would I marry you?” he shot down at her. “Have a raft of snot-nosed nigger brats? Be a goddam squawman and work in the goddam pineapple fields the rest of my life? or drive a Schofield taxi? Why the hell do you think I got in the Army? Because I didnt want to sweat my heart and pride out in a goddam coalmine all my life and have a raft of snot-nosed brats who look like niggers in the coaldirt, like my father, and his father, and all the rest of them. What the hell do you dames want? to take the heart out of a man and tie it up in barbed wire and give it to your mother for Mother’s Day? What the hell do you . . .”
There was no hood of ice over his eyes now, like there was when he had been facing Warden, like there was when he had been trying to talk her into it, they were blazing now, with the fire of a strip mine that smoulders and smoulders and finally breaks out in the open for a little while. He took a deep shuddering breath and got hold of himself.
The girl could almost see the white icecap of anger rolling down across his eyes, like the glaciers of the ice age rolled across the earth. She lay back in her chair letting it sweep over her, helpless as convicts being washed down with the firehose, letting the force hit her, yielding instead of fighting it, with a patience born of centuries of stooped backs and dried apple faces.
“I’m sorry, Violet,” Prew said, from behind the ice.
“Its all right,” the girl said.
“I didnt mean to hurt you.”
“Its all right,” she said.
“Its up to you,” he said. “This transfer changes my whole routine of living. It works with a different rhythm, like a new song. They aint at all alike, the old song and the new.
“This is the last time I’m comin up. You can either move or not, its okay. When a man changes his life, he has to change it all. He cant keep nothin that reminds him of the old life, or it doesnt work. If I kept comin up here, I’d get dissatisfied with this transfer and I’d try to change it. I dont aim to do that, or let anybody know I want to do it.
“So its up to you,” he said.
“I cant go, Bobbie,” the girl said, not moving, no change in her voice, still from the chair as she had been before.
“Okay,” he said. “Then I’ll be leavin. I’ve seen lots of guys shacked up in Wahiawa. They have a good time. Them and their wahines have parties together and go out together, movies and bars. All like that. The girls aint alone. Not any more,” he said, “than any human being is always alone.”
“What happens to them when the soldiers leave?” she said. Her eyes were looking off at the hilltop trees.
“I dont know. And I dont give a good goddam. They probly git other soljers. I’ll be leavin.”
When he came back out he carried the sneaks and the whiskey, the nearly full one and the nearly empty one, rolled up in the trunks, all the things he had owned here, all that he was taking with him. The little that they were, they had been deposited here as security for a pass of entrance, collateral for the loan of a life that existed off the Post, and in taking them away he had revoked his claim.
Violet was still sitting in the same unchanged position, and he made himself grin at her, drawing his lips back tautly across his teeth. But the girl did not see it, or notice him. He walked down the steps and around the corner of the house.
Her voice followed him around the corner. “Goodby, Bobbie.”
Prew grinned again. “Aloha nui oe,” he called back, playing the role out to the end, with a strong sense of the dramatic.
As he crested the little hill he did not look back, but he could feel through the back of his neck that she was standing in the door, leaning against the jamb, one hand propped against the other side as if barring the door to a salesman. He walked on toward the intersection, never looking back, seeing in his mind the fine tragic picture his figure disappearing down the hill must make, as if it were himself standing back there in the door. And the strange thing was he had never loved her more than at this moment, because at that moment she had become himself.
But thats not love, he thought, thats not what she wants, nor what any of them want, they do not want you to find yourself in them, they want instead that you should lose yourself in them. And yet, he thought, they are always trying to find themselves in you. What a wonderful actor you would have made, Prewitt, he told himself.
It was only when he was below the hill that he could end the role and stop, turning to look back, allowing himself to feel the loss.
And it seemed to him then that every human was always looking for himself, in bars, in railway trains, in offices, in mirrors, in love, especially in love, for the self of him that is there, someplace, in every other human. Love was not to give oneself, but find oneself, describe oneself. And that the whole conception had been written wrong. Because the only part of any man that he can ever touch or understand is that part of himself he recognizes in him. And that he is always looking for the way in which he can escape his sealed bee cell and reach the other airtight cells with which he is connected in the waxy comb.
And the only way that he had ever found, the only code, the only language, by which he could speak and be heard by other men, could communicate himself, was with a bugle. If you had a bugle here, he told himself, you could speak to her and be understood, you could play Fatigue Call for her, with its tiredness, its heavy belly going out to sweep somebody else’s streets when it would rather stay at home and sleep, she would understand it then.
But you havent got a bugle, himself said, not here nor any other place. Your tongue has been ripped out. All you got is two bottles, one nearly full, one nearly empty.
And that we cant take through the gate, friend, he told himself, because the MPs will drink it up themself, and that we cant cache along the fence because there are guys who get their whiskey that way, look for it every night. Shall we drink it, friend? I think we’d better. We are much clo
ser, sometimes we can almost see each other, when we’re drunk. Lets go to the tree.
The tree, below the hill, halfway to the intersection, was a gnarled old kiawe tree filling up its little field, where on his trips up here he had gone before to sit, and where the brown bottles of his past trips lay in the grass. He walked to it through the kneehigh matted grass, having to lift his legs high until he got under it where there was the flattened smooth place that he always sat with his back against the roughness of the bark and no one could see him from the road because there are times every man must be alone and in the squadroom there is no aloneness, only loneliness.
The ancient thorny-fingered guardian that all day protected its little patch of virgin grass from the philandering sun’s greedy demanding of that last maidenhead in the field, spread its warped washerwoman’s arms above him now as it had the grass all day, protecting the philandering prodigal now as it had its daughter’s greenness, until he drank his whiskey, thinking some about The Warden and the Company, the jockstrap Company, but mostly about Violet and the fact that a man could never move without finding boxes to pack the curtains and the canned goods. It was all one to the tree, him or the grass, since being female all it needed was a thing it could protect.
He added the two bottles to the others on the grass and caught a ride home, to the crowded loneliness of the barracks—home, to the separateness of the squadroom where there is no solitude—home, with a 13th Field Artillery truck taking swimmers back from Haleiwa, and went, drunk, to bed.
And when the end of the month and Payday came, he took his last pay as a First and Fourth, the money that was to have set Violet up in Wahiawa, and with a fitting sense of irony, blew it in the gambling sheds, determined to start even. He lost it all across the crap table at O’Hayer’s in fifteen minutes, and he did not even keep out enough to buy a bottle or to buy a piece of ass. It made a lovely gesture, and the large bets he faded created quite a furor.
Book Two
The Company
Chapter 9
THE COMING OF the rainy season, in March and in September, was the only index to the changing seasons in Hawaii, the only yardstick of the passing year. And the yardstick smacked down twice as hard upon the fumbling wasteful hands since slyly slipping time applied it only half as often. Each man has six months of memories and visions of all the things left undone, instead of only three, to haunt him.
The rainy season was the nearest thing to winter in Hawaii. Perhaps, in the winter months, the sky would be a little duller, more hazy and less blue, and the sun not quite so dazzling. But winter in Hawaii was never more different from summer than was our late September. The temperature remained the same, and the lack of winter in the great red plateau of pineapples where Schofield Barracks lay was the same in winter as in summer.
There was never any cold to suffer in the winter in Hawaii. But neither was there any persimmon-flavored air of fall’s October, nor any sudden awakening to the warmth and quickened thighs of spring’s young April. The only time there was ever any cosmic change, in Hawaii, was in the rainy season and so its change was always welcomed by the ones who could remember winter. All, that is, except the tourists.
It did not come all at once, the rainy season. There was the usual feeble storm or two in waning February, like a man who feebly kicks and struggles just before he dies, but bringing promise and a breath of chill, saying there was water near, hold on a while. Then the early storms gave up, after the thirsty earth had taken all the moisture in them, and they ran away before the onslaught of the sun which dried the mud to dust again, leaving only a caked cracked memory that crumbled underneath the round-toed bluntness of the GI shoes.
But in early March the times between the rains got shorter and the rains themselves got longer, until finally there were no times between, but only rain, of which the earth would avidly drink its fill and then, like a man dehydrated in the desert who can’t keep from drinking too much, vomit all the rest it could not assimilate, down the streets and down the hills, along the flumes and irrigation ditches that webbed the carmine earth of the plateau and now were torrential rivers. Until at last the whole earth and everybody on it, like a honeymooning bride, begged for thirst again.
It was then that Schofield moved indoors. Field problems were replaced by lectures on the various armament nomenclatures in the Dayrooms, Close Order and Extended Order were made to step down for dry-run target exercises on the porches and for the hoary venerated triggersqueeze. All, in their monotony, having to compete with the exciting luxury of being under shelter while the rain beat down outside.
Drill in the mornings was great fun, because great novelty, in the rainy season. But in the afternoons grinning greedy Fatigue, like a gambler’s pimp, went on seducing relentlessly, just the same as always, even though the recreations of the officers, the golf and tennis and the riding, ceased.
Raincoats, of two kinds—the rubberized kind that absorbed the water like a blotter, and the slicker kind that shed both air and water until the wearer was so bathed in sweat he might as well have worn the other kind, appeared from out of hiding in the combat packs hung on each bed foot. And on those evenings when the rain would cease long enough for men to go back to their restless midnight walks the newly issued gadgets called “field jackets” would appear upon the streets and roads with gratitude instead of the contempt all innovations suffer in the army, gratitude against the chill that made so many hunger after apples, the same chill that made them all desert the bigness of the airy squadrooms in the evening for the smaller Dayrooms and the illusion of warmth that comes from many bodies close together.
And now, in the rainy season, when the groups of men moved in on the roofed over Boxing Bowl behind the old Post Chapel, coming from all over, radial spokes about a hub, they carried blankets, both to spread out on the cold concrete that brings down the piles and to wrap around them. And perhaps a hidden pint for extra warmth, if they had been able to sneak it in without the MPs getting wise. And here in Hawaii’s autumnal March, under the roof of Schofield’s Boxing Bowl where two nameless ciphers fought each other in the ring, football, apples, and October and all the thousand little towns across the nation with their little highschool football teams hovered low above the Bowl, brought momentarily alive again by an illusion.
With three Smokers still to be run off in the Bowl in the second week in March the Hawaiian Division Championship had already been decided. Dynamite Holmes’s “Bearcat Cubs” had lost, by thirty points to the 27th Infantry, twice as much as they could hope to pick up in the last three Smokers, and the great gold ring with its golden fighters in it had been removed from its case of honor in the sallyport to be ready for its presentation to the winner when the season ended.
Dynamite could be seen moving around the Post with sagging shoulders and an irritated brow and it was rumored that he would be shipped down, relieved from boxing, and for the first time in several years G Company had two court martials in a single month and sent two men to the Stockade.
But in the big octagonal hole in the ground with its serrated scalloped concrete sides it was not important, to the spectators, who was fighting, or who would win. It was only important that the winy air and excitement of anticipated conflict be enjoyed, bringing back the distant continent of home where all the grave young highschool athletes who, despite their coaches with their turned-up topcoat collars and conflicting visions of Knute Rockne movies and jobs they feared to risk, fought frantically with the magnificent foolishness of youth as if the whole of life depended on this game, and who were still young enough to cry over a defeat, an illusion that their coaches never shared, a thing that like Santa Claus they themselves would lose all too soon before the widening range of vision and the knowledge that their loyalty was a commodity and could be shifted easily, and a thing that the men who perched on the concrete of the Boxing Bowl remembered fondly in their own hunger for a return to innocence.
The Regiment did not suffer over its defeat near
as much as Dynamite, or as much as Dynamite thought it did. Its loyalties had been shifted from one outfit to another too many times, and its depression lasted exactly the time it took to walk home from the Bowl and get a small change crapgame started in the latrine. The bright light of the boxing squad faded rapidly. Payday was much nearer than next year’s season, and there were rumors that half the houses between River Street and Nuuana Avenue had got in shipments of new girls.
But if the honor of the Regiment had no other exponent except Dynamite, it had a great one there. After his interview with Col Delbert and the securing of his borderline reprieve, he collected his charts and maps and began the planning of next year’s campaign which was to be the greatest yet, and would bring the trophy back where it belonged. “It shall return,” he said, and even before the last Smoker had been played out he had begun to make his overlays and gather up his forces.
No Jeb Stuart, for his Pennsylvania raid, ever picked his personnel more carefully; no U.S. Grant, on this move against Jackson, ever deduced the counter movements of his foe more shrewdly; no Blackjack Pershing, in his fight for an American Army in France, ever played his politics more staunchly. And in addition, Dynamite Holmes ran his company, too. He even took care personally of the transfers that he needed.
Milt Warden was standing in the corridor doorway when Holmes loosed the thunderbolt of the transfer of the cook, Stark, from Ft. Kamehameha. It was raining hard that day and from the doorway he watched his commander come striding through the silver curtain, oblivious of the muddy quad, his tailored belted topcoat with its collar up around his ears flapping soddenly, but still smartly, around his booted legs, and shamefully there was none of the traditional, cheerful adoration in The Warden’s heart. Something about the striding figure told him this was not a routine trip to see that everything was running right and he was afflicted with a sense of foreboding ill.