by Jon Fosse
Yes what do you want? she says
and she peers at me, either angry or crabby somehow, or else just indifferent, and no oh no, I think, so I did get the number wrong, I screwed up yet again
I was sleeping you know, she says
and I think I probably need to say something, but what should I say?
Well? she says
and I say I’m so sorry, she should please forgive me, I am so very sorry, because I made a mistake, I rang the wrong doorbell, which is bad in any case, I say, but especially bad so early in the morning, that doesn’t make it any better, going around waking people up
You didn’t wake me up, the old woman says
I’m glad to hear that at least, I say
I almost never sleep any more, she says
and I don’t know what to say
I almost never sleep any more, I’m just waiting until I fall asleep forever, for eternity, she says
and I just stand there and again I say that I’m very very sorry and I say that I was trying to ring the bell of a woman who I think is named Guro
You think? the old woman says
Yes, ha, her, she says
Yes there are men coming round and ringing her doorbell at all hours, she says
So you go right ahead and ring there, she says
She should be ashamed of herself, she says
But she doesn’t know the meaning of the word shame, she says
And she had a good husband too, then she kicked him out, she says
and she shakes her head and she says it doesn’t make any sense, she herself never kicked her husband out even though she had every reason to, he went around with other women, yes, it wouldn’t surprise her if he was going around with that Guro woman too, even though she’s so much younger, but she stuck it out with her husband, she did, she didn’t go running around after men, and after he died she really missed him, she did, he was a good man despite everything, he did the best he could, he worked and toiled and supported himself and his family the way a man should, he did, but then, and I see her wipe her eyes with the back of her hand, yes one morning he was just lying there, he was dead and stiff, it was some years ago but it still brings tears to her eyes just thinking about it, she says and I say yes I truly am sorry I bothered her and she says I should just hurry on down the street and ring that hussy’s doorbell in that case, since that’s what I want to do so badly, the old woman says and I say no and sorry and she shuts her window and then I see the light go out and I think so I got the number wrong again, same as always, it wasn’t number 3 The Lane where she lives after all, I guess, and so I really hope she’s at number 5 The Lane, where it says Guro next to the doorbell, if she isn’t there I have no idea where to go get the dog, Bragi, and if Asle doesn’t get his dog back, no, what’ll that do to him? I think, but the woman who took the dog with her did say The Lane, I’m sure of that, because words I remember, yes, I’m good with words, that’s why I can read and reread books, too, several times even, I think and then I turn and cross The Lane and I see the sign saying 5 and I see that it’s dark in all the windows there too and then I push the doorbell next to where it says Guro and I see a window open in front of me on the right and the woman named Guro, yes, it’s her, thank god it’s her, sticks her head out and says in a sleepy voice yes who’s there?
It’s me, I say
Aha, she says
and her voice doesn’t sound exactly nice and then I hear a dog start yapping and I go over to stand under the window
Oh it’s you, she says
I, I thought it was somebody else, she says
Ah, I say
Just someone, she says
and she laughs a little and it seems like she’s awake now
Yes, you know, she says
I was asleep, I, she says
Ah, I say
Yes well, you know how it is for a single girl, she says
and I just stand there and can’t get a single word out
But won’t you come in? she says
and I don’t say anything
You can’t just stay out there in the cold, it’s nice and warm inside, she says
and she says I need to come in, she’ll come open the door for me, she says and I realize that I don’t want to go into her house, I’ve never liked going into people’s houses, it’s like I’m getting too close to them or something
You’ve been here before, after all, she says
Lots of times, she says
and she laughs
But I guess you don’t remember? she says
You didn’t even recognize me last night, she says
I would’ve thought you would, she says
and she says she’s thought about me a lot, because I did used to come looking for her, yes she says come looking for her, lots of times, but I must’ve been too drunk to remember anything, yes, clearly, she says, clearly I was too drunk, she says, and anyway she’s definitely wide awake now, I think and I say yes I was just, the dog, I
You woke up early? she says
Yes, I say
You couldn’t sleep? she says
No, I say
You were lying in bed thinking about him? she says
and I say yes that’s true I was lying in bed thinking about how Asle was doing, yes, and now I want to go home, drive home, and take his dog, Bragi, well she knows that’s his name, I say, with me, of course, yes, as I’d planned, I say
Yes, yes, she says
And I know, I remember you live in Dylgja, she says
and she gives a short laugh and I nod and she says that as she’s already told me she’s gone to see every one of the shows I’ve had in Bjørgvin, at The Beyer Gallery, up on High Street, she says and she nods in that direction and she emphasizes the words The Beyer Gallery, as if it was something big and special, and she emphasizes High Street, just like how Åsleik emphasizes the words St Andrew’s Cross, yes, exactly the same way, identically, with the same provincial pride, I think and she asks yet again if I won’t come in and I say no and then she says well now I know where she lives anyway, because I’d probably forgotten? so the next time I’m in Bjørgvin I should drop by and see her, she says, but it would probably be a good idea if I called beforehand, she says, since, she says and she stops and she gives another short laugh and I ask if I can have the dog and she says yes of course of course and her voice sounds a little annoyed and then she’s gone and then I hear footsteps and the front door opens and there she is in a yellow bathrobe holding the dog against her chest and she hands me the dog and I take him and hold him against my chest and I rub his back and I say thank you thank you so much for your help, I say and she says it was nothing, of course she had to help in a situation like that, she says and I start to put the dog down and I realize that the leash isn’t there and I ask about the leash and she says wait, wait here, she’ll go get it, she says and she shuts the front door and goes back inside and I stand there rubbing and rubbing Bragi’s back and I think it’s good to have you back, Bragi, it’s good I got you back, I think, and I wait and wait and isn’t she coming back? what’s happened to her? she was standing there in the doorway and then she was just gone, I think, because it shouldn’t take that long to find a leash, should it? I think and then the window to the right opens again and she sticks her head out and she says she can’t find the leash, of course, isn’t that always the way, she must have put it somewhere or another, she says, but if I come back a little later I’ll get it back, because it has to be somewhere, she’ll find it, it’ll turn up, she says, and it’d be nice if I came by again anyway, she says and I say thank you, thank you, and I apologize for waking her up, but now she can just go back to sleep, I say and she says well then she’ll expect me later, to come back to get the leash, and she’ll make me a cup of coffee and a bite to eat, she says, yes, maybe she could even make me dinner? she says and I say thank you, thank you, but I need to get going back to Dylgja right away, it’s a long drive, I say and she says to have a nice
day anyway and it was nice to see me again and I say thank you, same to you, and then she shuts the window and she turns out the light and I start walking up The Lane with the dog held tight against my chest and it does me good to feel the warmth from the dog against my chest, it feels comforting and good and I walk up The Lane and I tell Bragi how nice it is to see him again and that we’re going to my car now, I say, and then we get up to High Street and I go straight to my car and I unlock it and I see myself putting Bragi into the back-seat and then I sit down properly in the front seat, take off my shoulderbag and lay it on the passenger seat, start the engine, and it’s already cold again in the car but the heater is on full strength so it’ll be warm again soon, I think and I pull out onto High Street and I think there’s probably no reason to drop by The Hospital first, I probably won’t be able to talk to Asle, it’s too early, or else he’ll be too sick to see me, I can feel it, I know that, I think, Asle needs to just rest, he needs to sleep, I think and I’m afraid, what if Asle just sleeps and sleeps and never wakes up? I think, and I think now, now I should drive back home to my house in Dylgja and then I’ll rest too, get back to normal, and then I should paint, I think and I think that when I get home I can call The Hospital and ask if I can see Asle and if I can stop by today then there’s no reason I can’t drive back into Bjørgvin, at least if there’s anything I can do to help him, I think and I drive confidently up High Street and I quickly turn around and see Bragi lying there on the back seat sleeping and I look forwards again and I see Åsleik standing and looking at the picture with those two lines crossing each other and then he says St Andrew’s Cross, and it’s like he’s proud of knowing the term, and I think that I’m sure he teaches himself new words every now and then, studies them, yes, and once he’s learned a term he has to say it whenever he can, like St Andrew’s Cross for example, it’s like he needs to show that he’s someone who can do something too, the way he emphasizes the word shows that yes, he can use it, him too, even though he has just a middle-school education, he only did what was mandatory, nothing more, but that doesn’t mean he’s stupid, oh no, not Åsleik, even if he says for instance St Andrew’s Cross with provincial pride, I think, no, he’s a sharp one, Åsleik, he can say the smartest most insightful things and make someone understand something in a way they hadn’t understood it before, see something in a way they hadn’t seen it before, and that’s exactly what you’re trying to do when you paint too, yes, see something you’ve seen before in a new way, see something as if for the first time, no, not just that, but both see it afresh and understand it, and that’s the same thing in a way, I think and I see that the two lines are Asle lying on his sofa unable to think anything except one single thought, the only thing he can think is that now he needs to get up and then he’ll go down to the sea and then out into the water and then he’ll wade out into the sea and the waves will wash over him and he’ll just be gone, gone forever, because the pain now is unbearable, the suffering, yes, the despair, whatever you’d call it, yes, the pain was so unbearable and heavy that he couldn’t even lift a hand, and plus he was shaking so much, his hands, his whole body was shaking, so he had to stand up, had to get himself something to drink, at least that, first I’ll have a little drink and then I’ll go down to the sea, wade out into the sea, Asle thinks, lying there on his sofa, thinking, and at the same time I was standing there in my living room or studio or whatever you’d call it and painting him as two lines of paint, one purple, one brown, I think, and I look at the road ahead and I feel happy, I’m so happy, so happy, and I don’t understand how I can feel such joy just from driving away from Bjørgvin, I think and I think that maybe it’s because I have a dog with me now, Bragi’s with me, I think and when I get home I’ll call The Hospital and ask when I can come see Asle and if I can bring him anything and I’ll ask them to tell him that his dog, Bragi, is all right, I have him at home with me now, so he doesn’t need to worry about that at all, I think and now I’m already out of Bjørgvin, I think and I’m driving north and I turn around and see the dog, Bragi, lying asleep on the back-seat there and I feel both great joy and also worried, I realize, I have such a strong feeling of being worried that it’s like something’s breaking inside me, and I keep driving steadily north and I think that I just drove past Sailor’s Cove, I didn’t even look down at the building where Asle’s apartment is, I think and I’m driving north and I’ll be home soon, I think, and the first thing I’ll do is go to sleep, because I feel so tired, so tired, and I fall into a kind of stupor and time just passes and I approach the turnoff and the playground and I think that even though I feel so tired I shouldn’t stop at the turnoff and I shouldn’t look at the playground and I shouldn’t look at the old brown house where Ales and I used to live, because it’s so hard to look at that house, when I do the loss of Ales overwhelms me and I drive past the brown house and I see a young man with medium-length brown hair, and he’s wearing a long black coat, and a girl with long dark hair, I see them go up towards the brown house, hand in hand they walk up to the brown house and I look straight ahead and I keep driving north and I see Asle standing holding Sister’s hand, his sister Alida, the two of them are standing by the side of the road, and it looks like maybe they were thinking about crossing the country road but they’re so little, and why are they there alone? where are their parents? and do they live in one of the two white houses visible behind them, two houses next to each other on a not so steep hill? I think and I see Sister turn around and she says look, look at the houses behind us, she says